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Well, today is just a bad day but to make matters worse I brought in the mail and noticed someone had sent me a Christmas card. When I opened the envelope from my "friend?" I saw that she had sent me a picture of her and her husband on vacation. On the back she wrote "Merry Christmas." Really? Are you freaking kidding me? No note asking how I'm doing. No indication that this might not be a joyful time of the year for me. No recognition that I am deep in grief and having a difficult time facing the upcoming celebration. I'm trashing the picture and writing her off as a "friend." We really haven't been in close contact for quite a while but she is aware of Brian's passing because she sent me a sympathy card. The other thing I know about her is when we would get together the conversation revolved around her life. I guess this is not a surprise but it sure made my already bad day worse.

Thanks for letting me vent. Hugs to you all.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Linda,

I am so sorry this happened to you. I don't think people realize how hard this journey is. You have to go through this to understand it. She didn't have to include a picture of her and her husband, the card would have been sufficient. :wacko:

I have been avoiding everything Christmas. It is going to be so hard to celebrate when my love isn't here to be with me. I thought about putting up the tree a few times and then I just tell myself maybe later. Don't know if it will ever be put up. I know the Christmas cards will start coming shortly. I guess I will deal with that when it happens.

Linda, you can vent anytime you want. You are always there for all of us. Lean on us for awhile. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,

Kat

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Thanks, Kat. The thing is the picture was her "card" and it wasn't even one of those pictures made into a card. At least she didn't send me her rambling yearly letter. Don't think I could have read her yearly commentary.

I don't think I'll be doing much decorating or celebrating this year. I got a candle the other day and put it on top of my entertainment center along with a picture of Brian and me. I might get some lights to put there also and maybe some garland. I think that will be about it. I used to enjoy decorating with Brian. A few years ago he went to Lowes and got red chili pepper lights because they were on sale and he decorated our front tree. From afar they just looked like red lights. But when our friends got close and noticed they were chili peppers, they just laughed It was so like Brian. :D After Christmas he strung them up in our back yard on the hedges. They were really great when we had our Cynco de Mayo party this year. It was such a joyous occasion. Now I look at the pepper lights in our backyard and cry. So much changed so quickly. I miss him.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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OH! I read your post wrong. I didn't realize that she wrote on the back of the picture. That was not appropriate to send. I would have reacted exactly the way you did. I am so sorry. Put it out of your mind and concentrate on all the good memories you shared with Brian .... like your "chili pepper lights". They may bring tears but try to remember all the smiles they brought. I know it is easier said than done. We are going through this together. You lean on me and I will lean on you. :wub:

Take care,

Kat

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Linda:

I am sorry that this happened to you. But it is to no surprise to me that there are just some people that only think of themselves. You know how many times after my husband passed that I received call from family members that had to tell me about what is going on in their life, not even mentioning anything about me and my situation. Two weeks after Alex passed I called up Alex's cousin to ask him how his mother was doing, because she just had a heart attack and he went on and on and never asked how I was doing.

So, Linda, you have to write these people off or just accept it. You have enough to worry about in your life and don't let any of this upset you.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

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Linda,

I am so sorry that happened to you especially when your heart is crying. I had a friend text me to see how I was doing less than a week after Dean died and when I text back how much Derek and I missed him she replied she was sure its hard and went on to text how busy she was and how much laundry she had. I texted back "Take Care" and I really don't care to hear from her again. That was it for me. I don't care how much laundry she had to do. I had just lost my husband, my friend, and my son's father. She was one of those toxic people that makes life all about her and her family. Our life changes and we come to realize we drifted apart from familiar friends. I have learned we can still love people for whats in their hearts, however we grow through this journey and we need people that understand. You have a pure heart Linda, and I have every confidence that your "true" friends will be by your side, just as we are. Here's a hug from me to you and good for you for tossing it. I would have done the same thing..... Blessings, Debbie

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So many insensitive people around.

I had someone showing me pictures of their family on their camera at my husband's memorial service. Sure, I wanted to see her happy snaps while 200 people waited to see me!

I'll concentrate on the others who have shown me incredible support and I'll be involved in their lives. That's what makes for friendship and love.

Certainly not looking forward to the inevitable single name on Christmas cards now but will try to accept it as loved ones letting me know they care. With much affection and thoughts for you all...Susie Q

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Linda - grief does indeed re-write our address book. I've had friends for years who somehow melted away, completely oblivious, or not wanting to deal with me, I guess - I don't know, and now, I don't care. I pretty much laid it on the line in the beginning, and I was pretty harsh - the friends who truly cared about me, cared to understand this, and think about it. And they're the ones who stayed, and the ones I appreciate. How can I say this? Grief has kind of given me a laser vision - whoever falls by the wayside, it's meant to be. Some, I understand their feelings - some I don't, but I'm just letting them go. There are friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime. Don't let the Christmas cards get to you - Hugs, Marsha

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Hi Linda: I am so sorry you had to go through that pain. Some people are "me-me's" as I call them -ie- only think of themselves and we are all supposed to be as interested in their lives and families as they are. Ego maniacs! My Mom passed away in 2006 (am still in grief and think of her everyday) and I had stupid people sending me cheery birthday cards in May that year for my 1st birthday without her! (She passed away in April). Then came Christmas that year and the cards started rolling in. Some were sensitive and said they were holding my son and I in prayer as we faced our 1st Christmas without my Mom , but others went on and on about their wonderful lives that we were supposed to be as thrilled about as they were! Those ones didn't mention one word about my Mom or even inquire how we were doing. You really see people's true colours when grieving. My neighbour just lost her husband of about 50 yrs last week and I was thinking today of getting her a special sympathy Christmas card this year -- they are available in the stores . (I already gave her a regular sympathy card). I don't want to not send any card for Christmas as I always gave him and her a card every Christmas , but I hope she doesn't think a special sympathy Christmas card is tasteless. Those cards do acknowledge the loss and pain of not being with a loved one on Christmas. I'll think about it and see what is out there. If I do send it I hope I am making the right choice. My sincere sympathies to you Linda and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Linda-

I think, unfortunately, bad behavior will arrive in all forms thru the next few weeks for all of us.

My Aunt told me that when my Uncle died she put all of her cards from the extended family and friends in a bowl and opened them six months later. She said she didn't want to see the family pictures or read those horrible "what we've been up to" letters.

My husband's sister sent out an e-mail to the family and her friends this weeking stating her Christmas Tree was up and she was done with all of her shopping... and she went on to say she could not wait to open her gifts. I read it and felt sick to my stomach. She also wrote a mutual friend that she was sad for two weeks when her brother died and now feels much better.

She is not a bright woman and has made some horrible decisions in her life so I try to rationalize her behavior to that but it hurts and I take it personally as a disrepsect to my Husband's memory. Probably the wrong way to feel - but I do.

I guess we protect ourselves by excluding these individuals from our core support system now and going forward. I'm sorry you were hurt by the insensitivity of that woman.

-Linda G

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Linda you certainly have reason to be upset. How heartless this "friend" must be. Lean on those of us who can offer you that "shoulder to cry on" I have found old friends of mine were the ones to rally round me back in July when I was wheelchair bound from my injuries in the motorcycle accident. These friends came weekly to shop, clean, take care of the pool, bring me lunch. Then I had new friends who did the same. My two sisters were awesome, one staying July and August to take care of me. Without them I would have been lost. They all cried with me, too. I do consider myself blessed but not only were they my friends they were Duke's too. Today, 5 months after the accident, I got the good news from my Boston M.D.'s that I was A OK. No spine problems and my tibia is stronger than before...Again I am blessed. If only they could mend my broken heart? I read your posts often and know how much you and Brian shared. I see that you are moving forward in your grief. Time will be the healer for all of us. Keep a smile when you think back on all the memories you made. It's okay to cry for what we won't have anymore, but smile for those memories are what we have now. God Bless you.

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Dear Linda,

I think there are just going to be insensitive people that we write off at all times of the year. I sent cards and family letters asking for stories of memories of Bob. I was hoping to get some replies from people I hadn't heard from. I got two, one from a dear old friend that understood and was very thoughtful. The other came from one of Bob's old co-workers, saying he really didn't know him that well and only worked with him for a short time. He didn't mention anything touching or sympathetic, or even tell a funny story of them working together. Bob admired this man and made sure I included him every year in our cards. I found him to be rude and it seemed like he was asking to be removed from our list which I did instantly.

Couples on vacation, the visual is painful to conceive so early in your grief. It was inconsiderate and you are right to disregard her as a friend. I hope you find new friends along the way that will be more understanding and I hope you are blessed with old friends that will continue to be there for you.

Kath

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Dear Linda My Friend,

What a bummer....In a book on grief that I'm reading mentions that our unconscious mind has to catch up with our conscious mind..that really hit me because yesterday my mom wanted to see Bob's memorial and I thought I could handle it in my conscious mind...more data than emotion...well, all our memories are in the unconscious mind and when I watched it with her I felt sad but did not cry...then she wanted to hear some music..I put on our music "Sade" and thought of how we used to dance in the livgingroom and I got sadder...hours later I cried like a baby....I tried to control it, but it just comes over us and we have to let it have its onery way...I wouldn't say that is a friend either not to ask how you're doing...fair weather friend...I will pray for you...You can vent here anytime...that is what we are here for....Bless you Rochel

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Hi Debbie,

This is a good post because we have all had those insensitive people in our lives...I had this gal house sit my house and doggie and last year she had given he a little clock...when I got home she said "do you notice anything missing"?? I said Yeah!!! My Bob...she said "No silly, your clock that I bought you, it needed a new battery" then she said (really valuable huh!!) I was rather astonished....and just walked away...Like you said they do not have a clue...You are right, they are toxic especially when they talk about themselves...Have a blessed day.Rochel

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Dear jrm,

I'm glad to hear that you are getting better physically...you are right, it is very hard to have our broken hearts mended..tears, time and tasking is how I'm coping...staying busy so I can't think is best...staying with my mom has helped but unfortunately my mind came with me with the memories flooding in at times..at least the sick feeling in my gut is lessening...Bless you, Rochel

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The whole thing just plain sucks! I will try not to let insensitivies get to me, as I think that most of these people just don't know what to say or do. But there are others..... well, best not to waste emotions on them. This is truly a great place to vent.

I am not going to send out Christmas cards, this year. I am in the process of finally sending out thank you cards (note I didn't send out thank yous for baby gifts, but somehow I think people will understand). It is hard enough signing these without Scott's name.... I have decided to make photo calendars up for my family and my inlaws, centred around The Girl (Scott always used to call me The Girl - now Kailyn is The Girl) for Christmas gifts. Anyhow, I am rambling a bit...

Take care,

Korina

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