Aching Sentimentality

[Alden]

Since losing my wife I have been experiencing what I call and "aching" sentimentality. If I see one of my kids' old toys lying in the basement, I can tear up thinking about how fast they are growing up. Watching my 87 year old father wave goodbye to me as I drive away will send me into a puddle of tears. A Christmas ornament from my childhood home gets me going. And as I look to the future I well up thinking about the losses to come. MY oldest will leave for college in the fall and I feel like I cannot face another person "leaving me". But somehow I will.

I suspect I'm not alone in this sentimentality but am curious what others experience and who can relate to this phenomenon of being sentimental about things that are not directly linked to the person we lost. One of the things I find most helpful in facing grief is the sharing of experiences, helping me know that I'm not out here alone with "my stuff".

Thanks to anyone who can comment on this topic.

Alden

[MartyT]

Alden, dear ~ while these incidents can be disturbing, what you are experiencing is normal. You are experiencing sudden (but temporary) upsurges of grief (known to some of us as STUGs) in response to something in your environment that "triggers" your grief. See this article: Dealing with Grief Triggers after a Loss

[Alden]

Marty, thanks for your response and reassurance. When they strike and seem unrelated to my loss, it leaves me feeling as though I simply cannot cope. (and believe me, they strike a lot).

Alden

[marsha]

Alden - a half enpty can of WD40 did it for me, just recently as I was cleaning out the office at work. That was one of the last things Joe did, repair the lock on the back door of our deli. In the beginning it was overwhelming- it seemed like there were reminders everywhere I looked. Everything, and I mean everything, seemed to relate to my loss. Now it's a pang in my heart, and it still happens everytime I come across something. A lifetime of memories - of course we react, with tears, and yes, sometimes with a smile. (the smile came when I came across 10 tubes of caulk, all throughout the house - Joe would buy a new one for every job). Hugs to you, Marsha

[Sharon3]

OMG Marsha....when I was going through my husband's things I found about 20 of everything....every size hinge you could imagine. My husband was a carpenter and rather than look for what he needed he would just go and buy another.just like your husband....(I found lots of caulking too).............Sometimes when I was going through this process it was horrific but sometimes I had to laugh. I found a Xmas gift he bought for me last year and misplaced and bought another (a bottle of perfume). I saved the one I found until this Xmas and opened it then ...it was getting a gift from him this Xmas.

Alden...this morning my Mother fell, we had to get the firetrucks to get into her house and then an ambulance....just got home and fortunately she did not break anything....but my coping skills are nil....trouble is you don't really know the level to which you can cope with a situation until you are in it.............grief obviously affects every part of our being and our ability to put things into perspective...at least for me. Many times I need someone else to show me the way.

[azusaman]

Alden, as Marty said this is very normal. I see it in every room of my house...whether it's pictures or old stuff in the garage, it still reminds me of my grief. Hang in there..it does get better.

Best,

Ted

[Alden]

Thanks to all of you for your insights and stories. I am in my 7th year of grief over my ex, but lost my best friend and my sweet mom two years ago, so things are all jumbled into one big wad of grief. So I have known these sensations for a long time, and have had that "on the edge of coping" sensation for a long time. I feel like I should be pulling out of it all, but I just don't. The tears still flow hard. One day at a time here.

Alden

[MartyT]

As you so aptly describe, it feels as if the cumulative losses you've endured are now "all jumbled in one big wad of grief," and each of those losses deserves to be mourned separately. As I wrote in response to another post,

In his amazing book A Grief Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, Jerry Sittser writes:

I learned early on that I did not even have the luxury or convenience of mourning the loss of my loved ones as a group. Instead, I had to mourn them as separate individuals. As my grief over one loss would subside, grief over another would emerge. If it was not one birthday I wanted to celebrate, it was another. If one piece of music awakened sorrow for [my wife] Lynda, another would awaken sorrow for [my daughter] Diana or my mother. I had to face what felt like one wave of sorrow after another. I could not get away from it, no matter what I tried. The pain was relentless, like midday heat in the Sahara (p. 45).

Harriet Hodgson makes the same point in her article, Multiple Losses: Start with the Pain.

[jrm]

Marty, I have so many reminders of my grief and sorrow. I lost my husband of 40 years on July 8th. The next property is his parents home and where Duke lived all his life. We cared for his parents and watched over and helped them all our married life. In 2007 his Mom passed at home with hospice as we cared for her for a few weeks. Duke's Dad was in the hospital and then sent to a rehab. for cellulitis and IV antibiotics at the time of Duke's death. After the 90 days in rehab. Duke's sister has taken him to her house to care for him and for some unknown reason the family have alienated him from me and my family. He is 93 years old and following their lead. The house remains empty now, a place where my babies were born for we lived in the attached apartment until we outgrew it and built on the property next door (the sister had MY land surveyed and drove stakes in while I went to FL to try to relax.) I watched as my neighbors Lynda and Mark cried and screamed as we watched their house burn down. These triggers have overcome me this 6th month though I get out of bed, dressed, clean house, cook, go to Y, bingo, socialize, but when I get home I just cry and cry and cry. I can't stop, Marty.

[MartyT]

Jude, dear ~ It seems to me that what you're describing are much more than "triggers" -- they are significant losses piled on top of significant losses. You are in what I call a state of "grief overload." I strongly encourage you to find an in-person grief support group and / or a grief counselor so you can get some face-to-face support for everything you're dealing with. This is just too much for you to bear all by yourself. You can find grief counseling services in your own community by calling your telephone operator or public library. Ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. (You need not be suicidal to get a grief counseling referral from a suicide prevention center.) Hospices in your community will have lists of counselors and support groups; you'll find an online hospice directory here: Hospice Directory. Another good source for a referral is your primary care physician. Please give this some serious thought, Jude ~ you don't have to deal with all of this all by yourself.

[jrm]

Marty, Debbie, a grief counselor from Catholic Charities, has visited me every two weeks since I got out of the hospital. You see I also was injured in the motorcycle accident and now my broken bones are healed and I've finished P.T. I'm trying to do all that I can but lately I'm overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. Even though I have great support in friends and my boys there seems just too much going through my head at once. I lose important papers, then go through the house til I find them (I always do) I was a very lucky person to have had Duke care for me for 40 years...it's just too much to handle now.

[MartyT]

I hope your counselor is still coming to see you regularly, Jude ~ meanwhile, please continue to use these forums as one of your sources of comfort, understanding and support. When it feels as if too much is going through your head, tell yourself to slow down. Find a quiet place. Sit down. Put your feet up. Relax your body and your mind for a few moments. Just breathe . . .

[jrm]

Thank you Marty. I do feel the forum helps me focus on the good things. When I'm here I know I'm not alone with my grief. There are so many people here who share their stories. I pray every day for all of my friends here at the forum. I will remember to take your advice and take time to relax.