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Loss Of A Husband And Best Friend


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I lost my husband on Oct.15,2004. He was 65 and I was 51. He died of leukemia after only being ill for 6 months. He was a paramedic/firefighter in the community we live in. We were married for 21 years. Our careers intertwined as I'm an ER nurse. I've read some of the books on greiving and am trying to keep putting 1 foot in front of the other every day. I am having trouble figuring out who I am without him. Many of you know what I mean. Lately I have been feeling very lonely. My adult children and grandchildren are close by. I have friends close by. I know all I have to do is pick up the phone and talk to any one of them but it doesn't seem to help. Many times they are busy with their lives. How do you fight the lonliness even though you are sometimes in a crowd? Do you know what I mean?

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unsure.gif oh boy yes i know what you mean. The lonliness is only somthing that can be fixed by the presence of your loved one. I miss Ron so much. He died in June 2004 after a long illness. I try and stay busy and be with friends and family but most of the time it just doesn' t help. It isn't the same as being with him. I miss the things only we did together. I miss kissing his forehead at night. I miss coming home from work and having the porch light on which meant that Ron made dinner and was feeling good. I miss getting in the care and just driving with no particular direction in mind. I often wonder if I can ever expect to have another relationship and then I think why would I want what I can't have? I want Ron. Ron was 59 I am 47.

It definately helps to find a message board like this to connect with other people.

Take care and have a peacefull day.

Becky

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I can really related to what you are saying. I have 4 grown children and they try to make things better for me in any way they can, but it will never be the same as having the one you have shared your life with, for me 46 year. I miss my husband every day and wish so much to have him back. I lost him this past OCt, 2004 after fighting prostate cancer for the past 7 years. I never ever thought I would really lose him, I just knew they would get it under control and we would have many years left together. when he died I could not believe it really happened. I still have a hard time realizing he is gone from my life forever. I am so lonely and empty inside. writing down my feelings to others who share this grief in their lives helps me to get thru these times. I feel and understand your pain and what to be there for all of you like you are there for me. God Bless

Grace

ONLY YOU 7/1/38 - 10/20/04

My LIfe, My Love, My Everything, You are just a breath away

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just found you all by googling. My beloved Ron died 2/27, in my arms. My daughter is close by, friends have been wonderful but .... Some days I function better than others. Today I worked at my shop and was busy but was sad all day. In between customers I got teary. Now I am sitting here with tears streaming.

I miss my man so much it hurts so much. He had cancer that had spread but he fought so hard to overcome it until there was no fight left. Hospice was wonderful, they made both of us comfortable at home and made it possible for me to care for Ron at home with their assistance.

Dealing with all the stuff that has to be handled is just too much some days, like today. And there is so much stuff, paperwork, phone calls. Everyone I have dealt with have been helpful but it is just so mind boggling. I have always been a strong and independent woman but this so far is just slipping through my fingers.

Thank you for reading.

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  • 1 month later...

I too lost my husband of 20 years and my best friend. He was 44 and I was 40. This August will be three years and it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. Our girls will both be graduating next year and it saddens me that he is not here to be with us. My younger daughter received an award at a school banquet and I came home and cried silently thinking how unfair life is. I saw all the other kids with their parents and it makes me very sad. My girls appear to have adjusted well thus far but I'm beginning to hurt more as time goes on. My husband was sick for many years, never complained and always fought to live but we lost. I have stayed very active and have a huge new group of wonderful friends but unless you've been through it you just don't get it.......

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi, I just recently lost the light of my life...04/18/05. This was so sudden and unexpected. I have a 14 yo son. He wasn't sick and went to work on 04/18 as usual like any other day and I had just talked to him that morning. He was only 42 and I am 39. Within a half hour after talking to him, his boss pulled up and she told me that I had to go to the hospital because something happened to my Charlie. He was a plumber, the best in town and everyone knew him well. When I got there, he hadn't even arrived in the ambulance. It was about 15-20 minutes later that the ER clerk told me that he just arrived and they were working on him. All I knew at this point was that he just collapsed and they had to revive him. Five minutes later, the chaplain came out and that's when I knew it was serious. He pulled me and my husband's boss into a private room and revealed my worst fears, my husband hadn't regained consciousness and they were trying to revive him again. When the doctor who was working on him came in, my world came crashing in. I just had his wake on Saturday and scattered his ashes in the sea as he wished. It's been a week and three days now and I am hanging on by a thread. We were together 21 years. High school sweethearts. I want to just lay down and die, but I know I have to go on for our son, but I feel like my heart and soul are missing. I know he is in a better place and pray he didn't suffer. I guess it hurts so much because he was so healthy and noone can tell me why his heart stopped beating and we are still in shock I guess. I can't bring myself to sleep in the room now that family and friends have gone home. My son and I both have been on the couches these past two nights alone and everywhere I turn I am reminded of what I no longer have. We couldn't wait to grow old together. My son asked me the day it happened, who will teach me to drive next month on my birthday now that Daddy can't keep his promise. I don't know how to live my life without him. They say time will heal the pain, but for now when will the fear and the tears slow. I feel bad because the few friends that I still have here, try their best to console me and my family calls me everyday to check on me and though I thank God for the support, how do I keep the tears and thoughts from thinking about my loss because I know my sadness hurts them to see. I want to be strong but at the same time, I feel I am barely holding myself together. For a week I couldn't sleep without the aid of a pill, and I don't want to numb my pain but now that I have tried to sleep without them, I am up until the wee hours of the morning and the only sleep I get is that when I pass out from exhaustion. I don't even think financially, I will be able to stay where I am and will be forced to move back home with family to help support me emotionally. Everyone tells me that it will be harder for me to stay where everywhere I look or go will only bring memories of my life with my husband. And all our friends are here. I don't know what to do now. Any advice on how I can learn how to just breathe and get off the couch in the morning without having to talk myself into it? sad.gif

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I'm so sorry for you. What I keep telling myself is that life's worth living, to keep my memories of him alive ... though it's one thing to say and completely another thing to do ... It's been 3 months 4 days since my dearest friend died of cancer and I don't think it's getting easier. He was just 32 - I'm 27, my birthday was just yesterday. He died two days after his birthday - and, no, I didn't expect that. I was so sure he would be ok, and he believed that too, and then, all of a sudden, in two days ... it still seems like a bad dream ... What helps me is that I do believe that he's here. Sometimes I can feel him so clearly ... right now I wish for that feeling to come back, to feel this huge hole in my life ...

As for moving away ... I don't know, people are different. Maybe it could help to some people. After he died, I went abroad once, for not even a week (to a seminar, not on holidays). It was ... so unreal. I can't describe, I had a feeling that everything would be well when I come home, and I would see him and talk to him again ... Then, at night, I "remembered", and it still seemed so unreal, like I was only an observer of my own life. But I had bad dreams, I was dreaming that he's dying and I'm far far away ... I think it's good to talk about him - it helps to talk to people who knew him and who cared. Talk to your son, it will help him too ... they say that if you don't express your feelings, they will not disappear but will come back at some point and appear, sometimes as a disease ... or write here, if you can't talk yet. It's easier to write for me too .. take care!

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I lost my husband on Mar 19th.....it has only been 6 weeks....there are days that I seem ok and others, I do not know if I am coming or going....my 3 children are grown adults and have been by my side, but they are having a hard time themselves believing their Dad is gone...my 10 grandchildren were all so close to their grandfather, they are so sad......I have been out of work with Carpal Tunnel surgery since Jan....my husband had been sick for some time....but he suddenly passed in his sleep with a heart attack....no one is ever prepared for this....it is just an emptyness you feel and it is so very sad to think you will not be with him day in and day out....I try to keep as busy as I can, but I am limited with my hands and trying to get them strong to return back to my job....some days I do not want to deal with all the paperwork and phone calls to clear up things that must be done...I am thinking of going to a grief support group...I hope this helps me...I also go on a few spiritual web-sites to just read and meditate.

Any advise I would appreciate....thank you and God Bless

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Irm, I really don't have any "good" advice except to say: keep doing what you are doing. I am having all the same issues. Sometimes I function well wading through all the paperwork and condolences and at other times I don't.

Today I am off from work and should be cleaning, but I am sitting mindlessly doing nothing. Today is one of those hollow days - feel like such a big part of me is missing. Some days I can get my mind focused on what must be done and not feel the loss quite so much. Other days it seems to overwhelm me.

I lost my Ron on 2/27/05.

All I can say is just keep trying.

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I've been having a really difficult time. My birthday was on Friday and I was feeling so alone, so depressed ... Everything seemed so meaningless and it really seemed to me I couldn't make it ... Then, there came a sign from him, just at the time when I needed it most. I believe it was from him, I really do. And now it's a somehow easier - I feel he's around ... It's like he knew I was so desperate I needed "something" ... Take care, all of you

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello. I have never posted on a discussion group before but I found this site while I was searching for an article to help my twin daughters deal with grief. My best friend and husband of 20 years died just 12 days ago of colon cancer. He was only diagnosed on December 1, 2004. I have been so consumed with his treatments and taking care of him that I feel overly stimulated when I go places, it's quite overwhelming.

I am grateful that we were able to be at home most of the time and that he was able to pass away at home in my arms.

He was in so much pain and he suffered so, I thought that I would be OK with his passing but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Reading your postings has helped. I know that he wants me to love and care for our beautiful children and I am grateful to have his spirit in them. I think that no matter how this journey on earth ends for someone, those of us left behind always wish for one more hug, one more kiss, one more snuggle, I know I sure do. My birthday is this fri. and while I sometimes don't know how I will go forward, I guess I will.

Thank you all for your postings, they helped my soul.

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  • 2 months later...

My LIfe, My Love, My Everything, You are just a breath away

This was posted quite a while ago but it really spoke to me...to think, my husband IS "just a breath away"! smile.gif I like thinking of it like that...none of us knows when our time to go is, and the thought that in just one breath's time, I could be with him, that brings me much comfort and hope. I want to be with him!

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We have a lot in common, my husband was a firefighter/paramedic most of his adult life and he also died in Oct, 2004. My son-in-law is the fire chief of a city here in Arizona and he had prepared for me a fire fighters funeral for my husband. Bag pipes, last bell and all. He would have been so proud to see so many of his fireman friends and coworkers come to say their goodbys. Even though cancer took him he was always the hero to me and my children and he loved being a fireman and helping people. That is why our last tribute to him was to give him this honarable farewell. Not a day goes by that I do not miss him with all my heart. My husband was just 66 when life was cut short for him. He never really had the time to enjoy retirement as the cancer took him down. I will miss him forever.

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 -10/20/04

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I am sorry for your loss of your husband...he sounds like someone you could be so proud of. Our fire chief just passed away here in our small town, and he was just in his 40's...he drowned. His wife can probably really relate with you. They too had an honorable send-off for him, all of the firefighters were there paying tribute and I thought of how proud his sons must be of him. I hope knowing that he was a hero as well as your husband and friend, brings you much comfort.

God bless you.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I lost my husband on Nov. 16th after 45 years of marriage. Instead of getting better I seem to feel worse as time goes on. I wonder what my purpose is? My daughter lives close by but she has a life of her own. It just seems like there is no purpose for my even getting out of bed in the morning...I try and stay busy but in the end all there are is tears. I hate to thinkof existing like this the rest of my days. I just don't know what to do?

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Everyone's grief journey is unique and there isn't a set time-table as to where we should be on it. It is very understandable that you feel no sense of purpose, you lost your main purpose in life. That is how I feel a lot of the time too, and I'm sure the others do too. Sometimes it helps to get involved with something that might have meaning to you, helping others somehow...at first it won't seem purposeful, but eventually it should. It's not the same as having your loved one...nothing is ever the same after that loss, but rather we try to pick up the pieces and go on...at first, maybe not so much for ourselves as for our kids, but eventually (we hope) we get healthier feeling. I am sorry for your loss. You had a very long time together and that means a huge, huge adjustment. God be with you...keep posting, we're listening and care.

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