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Recent Loss Looking For Answers


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Hello Everyone,

My wife left to be with the Lord 2/14/10 after 9 months of intense and aggressive

treatments for Lung cancer, I was her primary care giver and made every trip

with her all the up's and downs and in's and out's, I am a complete and total basket case

I miss her so much and the emptiness I feel is as if there's a hole in my heart....I'm working

but each day has a new feeling of that being lost and confused....I found this site and I'm hoping

a few of you can give me some starting points on how to deal with this....I pray and pray and that indeed helps

but I'm sure by hearing some of your thoughts will help as well.....

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Nats - - I am so, so sorry for your loss of your dear wife. I lost my husband, Stephen, after a three year illness where, like you, I was his xhief caregiver. After a loss this great, we feel raw, like someone took away our skin. Everyone reacts differently. Sometimes we even think that our reactions are crazy. They're not. Scream, cry, sit silently, need to be alone, need people - - anything and everything is o.k. if it takes away a little of the searing pain. Just remember, you must take care of yourself. Our loved ones fought so hard for life because it is previous. It is a tribute to them to take care of ourselves. Eat, breathe, try to sleep (almost impossible for me). I don't know if you had hospice, but they have counselors and groups that may help. Personally, I could not have survived without this site. Everyone on it feels like family. You will find nothing here but love and support from people who get it because they have been there. My best to you and I know you will find strength that you never knew you had.

Kathy

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Thank You for the reply, raw never came to mind but you bring a good point

that's how I feel I'm trying to work thru anyway I can...

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Hi nats,I lost my wife on Dec.3rd 09 please believe me things do get better.It just takes time.Look after yourself and make sure you eat even if you have to do so 'by the clock' not on appitite.I feel this is most important.

Frank G.

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. I lost my Larry over 4 years ago (so hard to believe) and found this site. If it was not for the support of the wonderful people of this site I would not have survived. Your loss is so new and the emotional roller coaster is normal right now. This is a difficult and painful time and I hope you will continue to share and come here for support. That will help you heal in time. Deborah

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Hi Nats,

I grieve with you as you begin this new journey of life without you wife.

You feel as if there is a hole in your heart because half of you has been taken away.

I wish I could give you some words of wisdom that could help you but I am no expert and words do not really help much in times like this.

It has been four hundred sixty three days since my other half took the greatest trip of her life as she went home to be with our Father.

Her breast cancer came back in the form of several tumors in her liver. She had excellent treatment and was free of cancer when she died but the cancer and resulting treatments caused her liver cells to fail to reproduce and so her liver simply stopped functioning.

Like you; I was her caregiver. However; she was very easy to care for and she was really in fairly good health except for her last two days here on earth.

I am grateful that God made her death as painless as it was for her and that I was able to hold her hand and pray as she went home to be with our Father.

If there is a starting point or advice it would be to continue praying and asking the Father for guidance and comfort each day. Trust Him to lead you in all things and wait upon Him.

It is OK to ask God why and it is OK to cry. It is OK to be angry and tell Him what you feel. God understands and He still loves us even if we voice our anger to Him.

I guess it is natural for a man to look for the love that has been lost. God made a woman to have a special kind of love and a man needs that special love.

I know that I find myself longing for the physical love that is no long present. I do not mean that in a sexual way. I mean that I miss the physical presence of the love that was with me for almost forty five years.

I miss holding hands, her gentle touch, her beautiful smile, and her beauty as a wonderful person, soul-mate, and friend.

One mistake that I made is one you should avoid. That mistake was to start dating too quickly and getting involved with another woman too soon.

I took some bad advice, started dating only seven months after my wife died, and almost got married again.

The prayers of my friends and family probably were responsible for God showing me that the new woman was not suited for me and that she was not what He had planned for me.

I still do know what God has planned for me but I do know that I just need to continue to trust Him everyday and to seek His will for my life.

Well; I ramble.

I am a singer and an old song just came to my mind: "My Jesus knows just what I need". He know what you need so ask Him to supply all of your needs.

I pray that He will.

JJ

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Nats:

My heart goes out to you in your terrible loss. It is very, very new, and in my experience, it will be very difficult. My mother in law, who lost her husband many years ago, and my mom who lost her mother quite young, pulled no punches when they told me it would take a long time to feel better. It was honesty I appreciated even then, as it steadied me somewhat for the months to come (my husband died 8.5 months ago).

As already mentioned, it is very important to try and take care of your health, because the emotional toll is very hard on your physical being. You may have to force yourself to eat, but try to put something good down the gullet each day. And walking or whatever your favored mode of exercise is may actually make you feel better (though I don't condone overdoing it by any stretch - I found I knew when I was ready to do more, when I couldn't do anything - I actually listened to my body). Somedays you may not want to move, and somedays, this may be what you need. Sleep is so hard to come by in the beginning - no question. I would have to stay up till exhausted so that my mind shut down when my head hit the pillows. Or often I would fall asleep to the drone of the tv.

Give in to the tears if you are able to. It is so hard to face our loss and our grief, but if we don't, we will never learn to live with our loss. Writing about it may help. Coming here certainly helped me.

I had to focus on one moment to the next, one day to the next. I still do. But amazingly, I have at times, even in the beginning, found moments of laughter and smiles (though in the beginning, I was certainly numb, so it was probably also a way for my mind to protect me).

My thoughts are with you - I hope you are able to find solace in our on-line family.

Korina

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The best and immediate advice that I can give to you as a recent widow, is to find a Grief Counselor and talk at least once a week at first. Try to find a person thru your local Hospice who can provide one on one counseling. Eat. Read. Write. Walk. Force yourself to leave the house a few hours everyday. Don't let anyone tell you what you should be feeling or doing - go with what is comfortable. Ask for help if you need it.

Take Care.

- Linda G

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I thank each and everyone of you who responded....

you have all given me some very good starting points and tips, I intend on

giving anything a try to ease the pain, starting here was good choice glad I found

this site, looking forward to chating and sharing more of my grief and looking forward to your responses...

Thank Again

NATS

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Well today is week 4 to the day and I'm feeling so lost...I cry everyday

and the hurt is so bad at times...I'm manitaining working which I think is helping

but the evenings and mornings are rough....it's helping reading other

posts and responses, it lets me see where I'm at....

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Nats...so sorry for your loss. I, too, am at week 4. My husband passed away February 13, after battling stage 4 colon cancer for 3 years. The last few months were really rough, but even when the end came it was so much faster than I expected. I am glad he didn't have extreme suffering for months on end, but I was just so unprepared for the loss. This site and another one I joined have helped me a lot. It helps to talk about your pain, ask questions, and just vent sometimes.

I don't know if you have found this to be true, but one thing that really took me by surprise was how much the "little" things hurt. I dealt with some big issues, like clearing the closet, putting away his medications, toiletries, etc. I even made it through the dreaded 1 month anniversary. But those silly little things blindside me and I never know when they will happen. Things like finding a pack of gum he left in the console of the car, seeing a movie out on DVD that he had wanted to see when too sick to go to the theater - these things tear me apart. And doing my laundry that first week...I barely had enough for a load and it was so heartbreaking not to have his clothes to wash.

Everyone tells us time will help. I don't think time actually heals because I can't imagine missing him any less in 5 years than I do today. But I do believe that we will adapt to the change and make the necessary accommodations to help cover this gaping hole left by the loss of our soul mates.

I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers

Angie

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Angie,

Thanks, yes the little things do indeed set me off into the crying mode, I never knew

someone could cry so much, I made it thru today it was rough I tried to do some yard work

and we always did it together but today she was no where in sight and it tore me apart

so much I just finished then went inside....I also can not imagine not missing them any less

later I think we'll just adapt better....I pray for all the greiving individuals here and everywhere

this is the most I've ever hurt in my whole life, when I lost my Dad it was tough but not this bad

and this is way differant because we became one when joined by God in our union of marriage....

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I also had the garden 'thing' to set me off on Saturday.My June was the garden person and always cut the lawns etc.I have been doing my best with the mower but my daughter came round on Saturday to do it for me.I sat with the grandaughter watching TV and as the mower and edge-trimmer were in action it suddenly hit me it was my daughter not my June and this set me back for the whole weekend.I was doing alright till then.

Stay strong everyone.

Frank G..

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Well today I'm a total basket case I've been crying since

I woke up and can't seem to shake it....I'm so lonely and miss Ruth

so much, the hurt is like nothing I've ever felt before, I have things

that need to be done but I can not get going today and if I don't

get them done I'll have to wait until my next 2 days off next week....

I'm praying God will send me some strength and drive to get going....

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The thing about grief is that you can be blindsided by the triggers. I remember going through a grocery store and passing by the things my husband liked and it almost bringing me to my knees and I remember thinking I can't go anywhere without remembering. I still don't wear eyeliner because I cried it off everyday I put it on. Now after 13 months I feel tremendous sadness by the triggers and yes many times I cry but I can function and sometimes I can have a good day, but the evenings are tough. I continue to be hurt by friends and family who don't get it but on the otherside am blessed with those who do. I see a grief counsellor every couple of weeks and share my feelings with her and feel that she helps me tremendously. I never would have believed it but it does get to the point, with help, where you can deal with the tremendous loss of the love of your life. One step in front of the other, breathe and live in the moment.

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Nats:

I have totally had days like yours today. I think we all have. It truly is incredible that one person can 'feel' so much.

As far as getting things done goes, can you break your tasks into small sections? I found (and still do) that if I was just able to accomplish something on my "list", no matter how small, it helped me both mentally as well as in terms of the workload itself.

Hang it there, and take it one moment at a time, one day at a time.

Korina

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Well somehow with the help of God and prayer I got a couple

of items done...one reason I was dreading was I needed more copies of

the death cert. and had to go get them, not a fun task and no one to help me out

kinda doing this on the as need to learn basis...I have an atty. handling the major

items but I need to do something on my days off...I'm doing the house chores, laundry and such

but I still have other things most people don't think about you having to do

buy yourself when you are now alone....I am taking small steps as mentioned but those are sometimes major...

I'm going to a local Hospice Support Group tomorrow evening, I figured I need as much help and support

as I can use and have plenty to gain by giving it a try...I'm glad I found this forum it's been a nice outlet

with many helpful people and lots of stories to learn from.....

NATS

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Dear Nats

When the loss is so very recent it's natural to believe that the incredible physical, mental and emotional pain of missing your loved one won't ever go away, even for a minute.

I survived the first four months by just letting the overwhelming grief happen whenever. I can't say the pain is any less now but I can function in the world and do things, like be at work, that I never thought would be possible again. The deep hurt is always close to the surface but I seem to be able to decide now (most of the time) when I will let it engulf me. From those awful times I seem to draw strength enough to get up and have another go tomorrow.

It's now seven months since I lost my husband.I don't know where the time has gone, but by the same token I know I've lived every minute of it. I ache just to talk to him and hold him , but somehow I am finding the strength to recover just a little. I so miss being happy and feeling fulfilled but will try over time to build some kind of a life without him - he would want for me to do that.

You shouldn't feel disappointed that you can't do 'normal' things for yourself. I accepted, with lots of help from people here who knew more than me, that my life was a long way from normal now, that I was dreadfully wounded, and that it was OK to take some time to just find myself again.

We know your pain only too well but we can reassure you that some better hours will eventually come. Susie Q

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Dear Nats,

On the 24th of this month it will be 6 months since I lost my husband Bob to Prostate Cancer...I have asked myself if it gets any easier and the answer is the pain and loneliness comes and goes....Yesterday we would have celebrated 35 years together, instead of having a husband to wine and dine me last night, I stayed home drank some wine and painted my wall in the livingroom (Red) the red is because it is a shouting, screaming, and why did you have to leave me color...

Nats, try and be around the right people such as the great people on this site...people that will love on you, people that care or just people that will stay silent in your pain....talk to widowers that will be on the same page as you...Try to find the right group for you and keep looking and do one on one counseling with a Hospice counselor...they are very devoted and have had much experience pulling us griefy people out of our caves of loneliness and despair...The Lord is the only one we can turn to that will always be there and take the heavy burden off of us...Keep praying and talking to him and take it one day at a time...Bless you, Rochel

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Iam so very sorry to hear of your loss. As a widower of almost six years, I know your pain. All I wanted to say is " She is with God now and he is the only one that loves her as much as you." She is in good hands. She will be safe, happy and healthy till you join her. But your work is not finished.

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Thanks folks for your replys it's great to hear from you...

I went to a local Hospice Greif Support Group tonight which I wasted no time in

sharing my story as I know it helps, it was also good to here the others stories as well,

between here and that group I have found some valuable advise and direction, I am continuing

day by day with many times of uncontrolable emotions, but with God's and all your help

each day I think things will get better as you've all said....

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Oh Nats, I am so sorry for the loss of your Ruth. I lost my Ron to lung cancer 7 months ago. I miss him more than I can describe. I know time will help heal, but I too am not there yet. Some days I cry all day and believe it or not just crying seems to help. Continue to pray for strength, not only to our dear Lord but also to your Ruth. I begin each day by asking my Ron for strength and I truly believe he helps me through each day.

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Last couple of days have OK until the afternoon and evening

I am having lots of emotions missing our evenings together

and discussing our days...God I miss her so much...I feel I'm

managing fairly well ( I think) by myself and with this group and the one

I attended locally, the only family I have is one of sons lives

here in the same town and a few friends but we lived a

fairly private life, Ruth's children live near but we do not

stay in contact as we should, I call and sometimes I get a called back...

I have all the paperwork underway and that's another issue all it's own....

so for now hanging tough, and praying God's eyes and hands are watching and touching us all....

NATS

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