I'm Lost - Is This Normal?

[spela]

My dearest friend, the man who was the most important person in my life, died 7 weeks 6 days ago. He was just 32 and died after 3 years struggling with cancer. For 3 years we were hoping and praying and BELIEVING that he would be ok, that he was getting better and that he would be soon able to do the things he wanted to ... When he died, my hopes and beliefs died too - everything I prayed for, everything I wanted. I don't talk to God anymore. How could I? How can I believe anything now?

I don't know what to do. I used to like my job a lot. I thought it was important and I had some goals there. Now I just don't care. It's not important at all! I've been thinking about changing my job - but I think I would feel the same anywhere! Some say changing the environment could help - like going on a holiday - but I'm afraid it would be even worse, as I wouldn't be able to go to his grave or talk about him with people who knew him or - when I'm able to do that - visit places where we were together.

On one hand I need to talk about him. On the other hand I avoid people. I rarely answer the phone to my friends, I don't go out with them. I can't stand being around those who worry about things that don't matter. Nothing matters to me anymore. The only living thing I love spendind time with is my dog. We go to school and that is the only thing I do normaly. I think about my love all the time, I cry a lot, I am often mean to people who ask me things (though I know they want to be nice but I just want them to leave me alone) ... It's only been less than a month and life seems so long as he's not coming back. How will I live like this in the next years and probably tens of years???

[ana]

Hi Spela

I think I reply to almost every post because I really don't know what to do with myself sometimes.

I think what you are feeling is normal.

It's been 6 months now for me since my only sibling and older brother passed away at the age of 30.

Everything that I had wished for in the future I don't even think about or care about anymore. Like you, travelling, my career, and spending time with friends - I just don't care.

And being mean. I remember an outburst I had the first week after my brother had passed away. It was unlike me. A girl almost hit my car with hers (she wasn't paying attention while driving) and when we had to stop our cars for a train, I got out of my car and just freaked out on her. So unlike me because never in my life would I have ever done that.

My understanding is that grief forever will change you. I mean, our lives have been turned upside down and this one time, we can't fix it like before. The person that was always in our life is now gone and a piece of us has been taken away that use to make us whole. And I think alot of us wait...we wait for someting...maybe wait for everything to be the same again.

It's still very fresh for you. It's still very fresh in my mind for me.

Take care of yourself,

Ana

[spela]

Hi Ana and thank you for your answer - I feel like I know you ...

I know I will never be the same again. My life will never be the same. The pain will never go away. I don't know when or if I'll start caring about things around me. On the day of the funeral, as I was going home, I felt clearly his presence. I KNEW he was there with me and that he couldn't be in the grave. Now I'm trying to have that feeling again. Maybe I'm trying to hard and it doesn't go that way. I hope someday that feeling will help me to smile, talk to him, tell him not only that I miss him terribly, but tell him something silly, a joke maybe ... We laughed a lot and he had a great sense of humour - even while talking about his chemotherapy ... He said he wouldn't mind going to chemotherapy for the next 100 years - because that would mean he has at least a hundred years more to live ... I believe he IS with me and he will be always. If I didn't believe that I would go insane. I want to believe that I just have to be open enough to fell him here again. I'm not sure I can explain ...

I haven't been to his grave since Monday morning. Since I saw his name on the stone. It was such a shock, I didn't expect that seeing his name and the date of his birth and death would upset me so much. I was shaking the whole day. I knew his name would be there one day, under his mom's who died 5 years ago, but seeing that - was still such a shock. I started shaking and couldn't cry until I came to work. It's like I could have imagined before that he would be back someday, but now it became final. Though I still haven't accepted it and I think I still wait for his phone call or want to call him.

I can see him all the time, lying in bed, and can still feel his hand. He suffered so much, the pain he felt was horrible, and there was nothing I could have done but to hold his hand and tell him I love him and would always be with him. He was the most wonderful person I have ever met. Why did he have to suffer so much???

[sdkd9]

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.

I lossed my husband 4 months ago and I cry everyday. Everyone tells me this is so normal but I miss him so.

I write back to you to tell you how I share the same feelings. I don't want to talk with people. i don't want to do the same things with others as we did together.

I carry on right now because I need to take my boys places and they need to carry on. If they weren't here I would just sit and sulk.

It's hard . I wonder will I ever be happy again.

I know how you feel. Try to take care of yourself. You are important !

I guess you don't get over this but get on with it.

Feel better,

[spela]

Thank you. Though it seems strange to read "husband", which he wasn't. The truth is though that I loved him. I still do. As the time is passing by, it's getting harder and harder coping with people who, most of them, don't and can't understad. For them life goes on, my two best friends from high school keep asking me out, they say it's been a long time since we haven't seen each other and that we should. After I said that I can't go out and that dog school (fortunately I have my dog to keep me busy) is the only place I go to besides my job, one of them said: "I know, but still, it has been two months ...", telling me that I should go out with them, just for a coffee if nothing else. But I can't! And she doesn't know how I feel! I can't pretend that everything is normal and that life goes on! Sometimes it feels like it's just happened. Sometimes there's this picture in my mind, and I feel all the fear of the last two days, when he was dying. When I was so desperately hoping he would get better. When I was relieved to see that he fell asleep and that the drugs seemed to help - I believed it would be good for him to sleep for awhile, rest, gain power again. I couldn't imagine then that he would not get better and that he was slowly dying ...

I managed to go to his grave yesterday. It took me a week after I first saw the headstone. I was dreaming about it, I didn't want to see his name there again ... When I got back again, it seemed to me that someone else is buried there, not him. It seemed so strange. When I got home, I suddenly realized that I was kind of waiting, not, expecting his phone call. It seemed to me that he would call me any minute, that I would see him and that these two months while he wasn't there would be all forgotten ...

I'm sorry for your loss. I've been wondering too if I'll ever be happy. I can't imagine this is possible ... Take care!

[Nikki]

Hi my name is Nikki

I lost the love of my life on Jan 13th. It was a very sudden and violent death. I am now trying to figure out what to do. I've read a lot on the subject of loss in the past few weeks (at first I could not read anything without having to read it 5million times) One of the books When Bad things happen to Good People said something like, Don't let their death be your only memory your long lasting one of them, let the love and their life be what you rely on for strength to get through this, we have the ability to get through this all in our own unique ways we just don't know it until it happens. I never in a million years would of guessed I would be 32 and without the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with- he is gone but the memories and the lessons he taught me will never be forgotten. I miss him in my life every morning I get up and almost evey second of the day I think about him. I am very sorry for your loss I hope you can understand what I mean. My thought process is all screwed up but I hope to have it back soon, minute by minute day by day I hope it will come.

Love and peace

Nikki

[Nikki]

Hi again its me Nikki

I forgot one of the most liberating things I have encountered on this journey It is that fact that I can allow myself to feel anyway I want, we are grieving. Be patient and gentle with your self.

[spela]

I'm sorry for the loss of your love. Thank you for your words. It's just ... such a confusion in my head. There are days when I can clearly feel his presence. On the day of the funeral, when I was going home, I had a really strong feeling - I just KNEW he was with me and not in the grave. Since then I haven't had that feeling again - maybe I'm trying too hard. I think a lot about the times we spent together and am thankful for having had a chance to know him, to be with him, to love him. I know he will always be with me, in my heart and I do believe he somehow feels how I feel and still cares ... But other times I just feel such emptiness ... It seems to me that it's getting more and more difficult and most of my time I feel so lonely ... I don't know what to tell people who ask me out. I don't feel like it. My two best friends from high school say that I should go out with them, that it's been more than two months ... One of them has passed an important exam and got a new job since - when I was listening to her, it seemed so unreal that there was so much going on for some ... I can't cope with people who tell me to "get over it". What are they thinking? They don't know anything! Next month is my birthday, I'll be 27 and he won't be there! It's been 8 weeks 6 days - and for you it's just two weeks more. It seems not like yesterday but like last week ...

What happened to your love, if I'm not asking too much. If I am, I'm sorry

[Nikki]

Hi spela

I sent you an E mail with my E-mail address. E-mail me back

[spela]

hi Nikki!

I must have deleted your email by mistake

and I hope you won't do the same with mine ...