MartyT Posted June 10, 2010 Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Steve, I want to thank you for sharing your experience with all of us. Your message is a powerful one ~ and we are very grateful to know that you are here with us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2010 Hi Steve, Thanks for sharing your story with me, I have promised both my therapist and my family doctor if it gets bad for me I will call one of them ASAP... Shellley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 Hi All, I am so glad I know that sucide is a sin because I am having one of those days today... I just looked in the mail and I have to pay income tax of 1200.00 dollars by a certain time, I went to my Endontist today and to fix my tooth it is going to cost 1423.00 dollars and I lose my job in 6 days and I have a family who thinks that I am just an insecure little girl who does not know how to look after herself...So you see I am glad I know suicide is a sin... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aquarius7 Posted June 25, 2010 Report Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi Shelly. You and me both! In addition to grieving my wonderful Mom's passing, I have tons to deal with. Not only did I get one, but got two letters from the IRS saying I owe back taxes from 2 years! And a business I deal with wants their money; money I went out and earned FOR THEM! They want it NOW! Then, I have to have a hip replacement in the future (can't wait forever for that one). I don't know if I should do it now or wait until later. It too will cost a lot of money. But my future seems so uncertain living situation wise and financially. Had my Mom still been alive, all of this would have been so much easier. She just knew how to deal with things. Were she still here and well, none of this would be as bad as it is. She always had my back and always helped me with things and guided me right. Now, I have no idea what to do or how to do it. Frankly, I am scared to death about life! Sometimes I am ready to check out right now. I even have thought about how I would do it. I know I won't though. She and my Dad certainly would not want that and I certainly don't. But life is seeming more unbearable as the days go on. I have never been this miserable in all my life and never expected to ever be. I am even starting to sell things that I own to try to make ends meet, as I know the money is running out day by day. It is horrible! I think about how great things used to be even as recently as last year. My life has changed forever and I honestly do not like it anymore. My DEAREST, CLOSEST AND BEST FRIEND OF MY ENTIRE LIFE was taken from me 3 weeks ago last night. Nothing else matters. Nothing makes me laugh. Nothing makes me smile. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing is the same and nothing will ever be the same again. I am absolutely miserable. My life and all I loved about it has been ruined. I am crying as I write this. I am seeing a grief counselor and she is helping a little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi Aquarius7, Thanks for all your sharing, and I am so sorry for everything you are going through... I just wish I was magic and could shake a wand and take it all away for the both of us... I am really beginning to hate my life... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 25, 2010 Report Share Posted June 25, 2010 Dear Ones, I've just finished listening to a powerful audio program from Open to Hope that I really wish the two of you would listen to, as I think it will normalize what you are feeling now, and maybe give you some hope for the future. The person being interviewed is Ron Villano, whose 17-year-old son was killed in an auto accident. He describes how he struggled to survive this traumatic loss, and so much of what he felt in the aftermath of his son's death reminds me of what you are experiencing now. Please take 20 minutes out of your day to listen to this outstanding program. Click here: http://opentohope.co...through-change/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted June 25, 2010 Report Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi Shelley & Aquarius I am sorry for the financial worries you also have added to an already horrendous time youare having.I have those worries on and off,sometimes I will get very panicked then other times I just can't even care. money was one thing my parents never really worried about....don't get me wrong,they struggled over the years,losing a business,my Dad being made redundant,worrying about losing there house when I was a kid etc but they always tried to live with the idea that God will provide somehow someway and that was how my Dad lived. So I try so hard when the panic about money kicks in,sometimes it works sometimes not. I just listened to the link Marty posted and I relate so much as I'm sure you do. Just hearing the guy talking about wanting to die,be with his son,not caring about living.....YET NOT WANTING TO KILL himself, it's good to feel normal. I know people hate to hear me talk like that but as Ron says until someone has been there,there is simply no way to understand. I've also heard people telling me that one day something just suddenly changes....again noone says when or how it just happens. So i guess for now we just try to keep going thru the storm,being there for each other. It comforts me to hear Ron sounded as hopeless as I do,he was Once where I am now but things have changed for him. I still can't comprehend how, truth is I still don't believe it can happnd for me but I will struggle on,doing the best I can,it's all I can do. Thank you for sharing with us Marty as always. Hugs and love dear friends xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi Marty, I just finished listening to the program, and I want to say it was the best 20 minutes I have spent in the past two years... Thanks for sharing it with me... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi All, I just wanted to add that the way the man felt is what I feel like, I did not lose my house or business but I had to move out of my parent's house that I had lived in for over 30 years and I had to change jobs and lost alot of my friends and neighbors I knew for along time... I moved to a strange city and had to start all over to find out that the family I am living with have now broken my heart and lied to me... They are monsters instead of family... Now I have lots of money problems and need a new job and I am still grieving over my parents too... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted June 28, 2010 Report Share Posted June 28, 2010 I hope you will find a job Shelley, at least that would be one worry you could forget about then. hopefully your Mom will help out from up above, hugs niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2010 Hi Niamh, Thanks for the support, I find this website and all the people who use it more support that my family I am living with... For example my brother in law got angry when I told him that I applied for jobs all over the area and he said that was stupid because I would use of most of my earning on travel expenses... I think he seriously thinks I am always going to live with them... I have a surprise for him I am also looking for a new place to live because my therapist said that the place I am now is to full of toxic and negative people and I need people who will support me and not bring me down... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted June 28, 2010 Report Share Posted June 28, 2010 GOOD FOR YOU SHELLEY, you should be so proud of yourself ....in the midst of everything you are out there applying for jobs, and everywhere. I'm sorry your bro-in-law is so horrible to you, there is just no need to be saying anything like that when you are working so hard on everything. So many people just don't bother even trying to get jobs when they lose them. Getting your own place sounds good, it will be your safe haven then, you know you won't have anybody there being mean to you, getting angry with you, nobody bringing you down even more. Your parents are so proud of you now and maybe it is them that are giving you the strength to do this. I am glad for you, this sounds like such a good step, niamh xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2010 Thanks so very much Niamh, You have been so kind and understanding... I think between how Jamie and his daughter treat me it is one of the reasons I have thought of killing myself... They just do not stop and I get to the point that I think it would be better to be gone from this world... But than I think of all of you and my nephew Evan who I know will always love me, and all the supporters who have helped me get this far and I change and think I have to stay here for all of them... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2010 Hi All, Last Thursday and Friday were extremely bad days for me, I did alot of thinking towards ending it all but remembered my promise....I get thinking about my mom and I miss her so much and I know if she were still here she would not allow Jamie or Mackenzie to talk the way they do to me.. I still have days like that but the medication is starting to kick in and since last Friday I have had a couple of pretty good days... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 Hi All, Very, very low in feelings today,,, called therapists to see who I can go and see today... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted June 30, 2010 Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 so sorry Shelley, wish there was something I could say, hugs and comfort to you niamh xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 Hi Niamh, Just knowing people here are pulling for me is great, I just really need a family who can be here for me rooting me on too which I do not have... My family and I are about to end it all together as I have been told many times to do away with all the negative people in my life and fill the spots with people who are loving and caring.. And if my family can not do it than I have to look elsewhere... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 Hi All, I feel a little better but found out both therapists went out of town for the holiday weekend on a happy note my family is also leaving town tomorrow for the long weekend... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted July 1, 2010 Report Share Posted July 1, 2010 I hope you will have a peaceful weekend Shelley, nobody around to knock you or be nasty and hopefully something good on tv Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Hi All, Just wanted you all to know I am still here, this is the first week day that I have been out of work... I am a little low but I am trying to keep a positive outlook on things and I keep praying and asking God for help each and everyday... I still have the thoughts of killing myself on a daily basis but try to positive think about other things... I went to see my therapist's last Saturday afterall and we discussed things and she has been so great she gets me back off the negative stuff and starts me on the positive thinking... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 5, 2010 Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Shelley dear, that is very, very good news Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Hi Marty, I have decided to look for a job for the next little while and if nothing comes up than I will check out courses to further my education... My sister keeps telling me that people who take lots of courses in college and university are just scared of finding a job... I do not think so I think if you are good in school and you want to keep learning than you should be able... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 5, 2010 Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 And I think what YOU think is what really matters, here, Shelley. Your plan sounds perfectly sensible to me. This is YOUR life, not your sister's ~ and frankly, I don't think much of the advice she is giving you right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Thanks Marty, I am actually a three day job club next week, since I have not been in the real job world lately... The job club shows how to do a resume, a cover letter, and how to handle interviews... It also shows you how to stay confident well looking for that all important job... I still have days where I get down very low and think that maybe it should be over but than somehow I find the courage to keep moving on... I think that my therapists Monique and Suzanne deserve most of the credit for that though... They keep me on track every day by giving me so much encouragement and showing me that there are people who really care.... I thank this website family for this as well... You are all awesome in my books... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted July 6, 2010 Report Share Posted July 6, 2010 hi Shelley, Good luck to you with job hunting, hopefully your Mom has some pull somewhere and you will find a job or go back to college if that's what you want. Try not to take any notice of what your sister says. You are so right, if people want to keep learning, that is there choice and good for them. I am glad your therapists are so good for you helping you to keep going. hugs niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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