Hospice

[Aquarius7]

My brothers and sister took our Mom for the radiation treatment. The radiologist said she needed to see the oncologist. She said that the radiation treatment would have started working my now and it has not. Then she said it was time for hospice. This is such a horrible day. One of the worst in my life. I am in absolute shock and grief. Everything is so surreal and feels like a dream which I would wake up from. So now, we are discussing how to do hospice: In my Mom's home (where I live)? In a hospice center? Or in another city where my other brother and sister live about 80 miles away. That seems to be what is being pushed for by my siblings and I am 100% against it. The

reasons are that my Mom would want to be in her own house and has said so (even though she has not been in a good decision making state) and also she would be too far from the people and things she loves. Also, I would like her to pass away in the city she was born in and not in this other city which I cannot stand. That may also lead to the services being there and everything else. I am 100% against that too. I am already fighting with my siblings against that idea but they will probably get their way (as usual) and it is making my whole situation and feelings worse than ever. This is adding insult to an already great injury. They keep saying they want what is best for her and where she would be the most comfortable and have the best care. I agree on that part, but I say let her live out what little life she has left where she chooses. Whatever happens will happen. Any experiences on dealing with the hospice issue?

Thanks!

[loulou]

I dont have any advice on Hospice,my dad and grandpa passed quickly.However my grandma passed of cancer.My father moved in and took care of her until it was the very end,and then she had maybe 2 days in the hospital.I have always thought that my dad did the most selfless and stand up thing by being there for his mother.I know it was extremely hard on him,but he was there.And I KNOW it helped him after she died to know he was there for her when it mattered the most.My aunt is a nurse for gosh sakes!She didnt really help him...I agree with you 100%,she should be at home where she will be the most comfortable.Why would anyone argue with what she wants?I'm a pretty stubborn girl so I may be saying the wrong thing,but I think you should stick to your beliefs,and go head to head with your siblings for your own piece of mind,and your dear mothers.Good luck to you,and I'm so sorry for your situation.

[Guest Kathy K-H]

Dear Aquarius, I have worked in hospice for many years, as a social worker and also a bereavement coordinator. Both my parents used hospices in other states. Please know that there is a trained hospice social worker available to you and your siblings. She can outline all the options. Consider asking her to facilitate a family meeting where everyone's feelings can be aired fully. The hospice philosophy is holistic comfort for your mother, and support for the whole family. Your mother is center stage at this time in her life, so whatever would increase her comfort and ease should be considered as the best option. It is not about anything else. If her health and symptoms require round the clock nursing, she would be eligible for the hospice in-patient home in the the city you live in. Excellent care can also be provided at home, so your siblings' concerns might be allayed by the skill and ability of hospice workers to keep your mother comfortable and cared for in her home. Generally, people prefer to end their days in their familiar, comfortable surroundings, with the people nearby who have been part of their lives when they were healthy. In addition, the hospice can sometimes provide a few days of in-patient care while the family decides on the best plan. Much will depend on her condition and expected decline. I so hope you all can take a little time to examine the concerns motivating everyone, realizing that she comes first (or what she would want if she could make her wishes known), and compromise based on those considerations. I feel for you, knowing that shock and fear are colliding with difficult decisions in a rushed atmosphere. Know, too, that hospices provide extensive grief support for you and your family later on. You will have time over coming months to sort out many of the feelings and thoughts overwhelming you right now. I would guess all your siblings want her close so they can express their love fully in this last period of her life. It is difficult when you live in neighboring but distant towns. These are issues the social worker may be able to help you all with. My prayers are with you. Kathy

[Darl]

My husband was a hospice patient for quite a while before he passed on. He stayed at home and they provided wonderful care coming to the house and when he would have a bad spell they would come out immediately. I don't know how bad your mother is but it might be a possibility that she could stay home until you could no longer take care of her. He was fine when he went to bed Satirdau night, did not wake up on Sunday so was taken to Hospice House and died Monday night. My heart goes out to you on this decision. A nurse will come to your house to evaluate your mom and help you decide. I don't know how I would have made it without Hospice, the social worker, nurses, minister and the wonderful care they gave him, especially keeping his pain under control.

Best of luck to you and your family

Darlene

Diagnosed lung cancer Oct. 15, 2008 Died Aug 16, 2010