Specific Bereavement

[Guest Shannon]

You'll have to excuse me, I've never done this type of thing before. I hope I don't get too long winded, but I figure it's time I find out if anyone else is going through the same type of things or if I'm just going crazy!

I have recently experienced many different types of loss within the last year. It began this time last year when I lost my best friend since the 6th grade (not a death but the loss of a long time friendship). Shortly thereafter my mother's husband left her and she basically had a breakdown and has moved with us (I lost the mother that she was and now basically am taking care of another child).

In March of this year, my father died (he basically bled to death internally due to severe alcoholism). We buried him on my birthday. He was not apart of my life everyday, but there were so many unresolved issues from my childhood at the time of this death. I grieved for things that were that never should have been, and things that should have been that never were! If that makes any sense. But in all, it was a healthy grieving process and it gave me closure.

I was beginning to feel better about things until a month later when a woman who was like a mother to me died of cancer. She fought it for many years and we knew that the time would come eventually, but that doesn't make it any easier when it actually does happen. At her request, no one was allowed to come to see her at the very end and there was not a traditional funeral or wake, she was cremated and we held a memorial service at her home. It may sound selfish, but I still don't feel as though I was able to grieve properly for her. In my opinion, funerals are not for the dead, but for the living. I think we need them in order to confront our feelings and face it. As a result of this, I still cry every time I think of her (she is everywhere in my home, so that is often) and I miss her sooo much!!! It is also such a different type of grief than what I experienced for my father.

It is now September and my grandfather just died of cancer. He had his kidney removed in March (the same week my father died) and was supposed to fine after that. He told me that he would be here next year to walk me down the isle at my wedding. He began to recover from the surgery, but then began to get sick again and then was told that the cancer had spread to his limph nodes, brain, and lungs. Within 3 months, he died!

I am just so shaken up at this point that I don't know if I'm coming or going! I want to scream one minute and cry the next (and most times I do). My finance is supportive, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Sometimes I think I will go crazy!! How much am I supposed to take at once??? Or maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself!!

Any advice out there?

[bev]

OH WOW !!!!! poor you....big hugs to start !!

No wonder you feel so confused etc....and no I dont think you are feeling sorry for yourself.........any of these losses would be hard enough to come to terms with never mind so many so close together !!!

I had quite a lot happen to me in a short space of time too ( though a longer period than 1 year!) and it is very difficult.......you wonder what will be next? I became quite paranoid about more and more happening.....

I dont really know what to suggest to you as Im not a counsellor or anything....Im just speaking as someone whos had her own troubles......hopefully someone wise will maybe answer !

But I want you to know your story has been read .....Im thinking of you and hoping that soon youll start to feel more at peace.......Im sorry I cant be more help but Im still busy dealing with my own mess !!

But I do know.........give yourself time....as much as you need....these things cant be rushed and there is no set time limit on healing........take it one day at a time....take time to feel the feelings and look after yourself.....

[Guest Shannon]

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

But I do know.........give yourself time....as much as you need....these things cant be rushed and there is no set time limit on healing........take it one day at a time....take time to feel the feelings and look after yourself.....

That is good advice. Although at times when I do take the time to be sad, I end up hearing...."Snap out of it, will ya?" And then I end up going balistic and ranting and raving because I can't handle the flood of emotions that I feel all at once. I can't thing of one without thinking of all the others and I become so overwhelmed that I do become a lunatic! And then of course I feel bad for everyone around me that has to put up with it!!!! I used to spend Sundays making big meals for friends and family and watch football. Now... I just sit on the couch all day and won't let people come over when they call... I don't even cook Sunday dinners anymore. My kids and finance aren't very happy about that! But I just can't help it, I just don't feel like it anymore.

And I too have become paranoid about what will happen next. I still some times jump or panic when I hear the phone ring because I wonder what bad news is coming next. I hope this part passes soon.

Well.. thanks for listening. It helps to talk about it (evven though I cry the whole time I'm typing it.) But it is a way to get it out, I guess.

[bev]

Hi again

I was once told this......All things pass.......no matter how bad it gets , all things pass.....we just have to somehow get through these difficult times.....

Oh writing how you feel is excellent therapy......I have an on line diary and when I feel the need I log on and just pour my heart out into it........sometimes it doesnt even make sense when I read later....and often I sob as I write....but its such a great release of feelings !! and often it makes things seem a little clearer even.....

Im glad you felt able to share your feelings on here...

God bless

Hugs

[STARKISS]

Shanon, I can not imagine how you are feeling with all your losses but know that God only gives you what you can handle. I remember that saying when I get feeling overwhelmed myself. You have had lots of changes and losses and in time it will get easier. I lost my mom in April 2005 due to complications of diabetes, and I lost my dad in August 2005 due to non hodgkin's lymphoma. I lived with my parents to their deaths and that was for 40 years in the same house. After their deaths I had to move out of the house where I grew up leaving friends and my comfort zone behind. I had to move in with a sister and her family who have many different ways of living. I also had to give my dog up because my sister said she could not live with them. I had my dog since she was five weeks old. I had to relocate so I had to give up my job. I am still having a hard time because I lived in a small town and now I am living in a much bigger place and I used to be able to walk down the street and people knew me and now I feel I am very alone. Take care Shannon and know things do get better and I will say a prayer for you

[shell]

Shanon,

I lost my father, my uncle, one of my cats (who are truly my children), my moms cousin and a dear friend in two and a half months. My mom has had a hard time with all this too (she is 85 and I knew, of course, she would take it hard, but she seems to have just quit thinking very clearly) and I take care of her and our cats. My mother has also changed and I sometimes feel like her mother instead of her daughter! So, I know what you are going through. And it is very, very overwhelming! No, you are not going crazy. You are grieving and trying to deal with everyday life and then all the extra problems too.

I can only echo Bevs wise advice. Hang in there and be sure to take care of yourself.

Hugs,

Shell

Starkiss,

You too, have been through so much. At least I could stay in the same house, the same place and not have to get rid of my animals (THAT would surely kill me!) I just can't imagine how you are handling so many changes! My heart goes out to you, truly.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Thanks Shell,

Thank you for your kind message and It is so nice to know that there are people out their that really care about how others feel. I will pray and keep you in my thoughts and thank God for people like you who really do care. Thanks again Shelley

[shell]

Shelley,

You are welcome, and thanks, to you too, for sharing your story. We are all, more or less, in the same boat, and by sharing our stories, we can hopefully help each other end up in a safe harbour.

Hang in there and give yourself a big hug,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

Thanks to everyone who has shared their stories, I agree with Shell if we keep sharing than we maybe able to help each other with our grief. Eventhough our grieves are different we all follow the same path, some do it differently then others but it is the same in the end. God Bless you all and again thank you all for sharing. Take care and stop and smell the roses some times when you need a break.