They All Forget So Quickly

[KmB22]

I feel so lost, so alone. I've read through these forums almost endlessly and know there are so many feeling the pain as I but in my small world...I still feel so alone. It's only been 2 weeks since I lost my son but they all seem to be moving on so unaffected. People already have gone away as if it's all over now and we should all move on. My heart just cries, though I feel so numb. Only a couple still stop by and I feel I need to hide my grief to not make them away too; though it makes me so sad to know no one cares enough to hear my pain only two short weeks later.

People can be so inappropriate, they can be so insensitive. I try not to get angry, it's sometimes so hard as it's the only emotion which tends to make me feel safe...but I hate it so much. I wish I could just disappear.

[MartyT]

My dear friend, I am so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious son only two weeks ago, and please know that we are holding you close in our hearts. I think the loneliness and isolation you're experiencing is precisely why it's so important for you to find and be with other bereaved parents, preferably in an "in person" support group. Right now, they may be the only ones who can relate to you in a way that will feel truly genuine and real to you. Please consider using the chapter locator of The Compassionate Friends to find a support group near you. This is way too big for you to even think about going through all by yourself.

In addition, I hope you will find some of the articles, books and resources listed here to be helpful: Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild

It also helps to share your story, and this is one safe place where you can do that. We're all here to share and to listen, and I promise you that we will not shy away from your pain. Can you tell us more about your beloved son?

[KmB22]

Thank you Marty, I have seen many of the articles and have been reading these forums for days trying to stop the feeling of isolation. My family is so fragmented and my hope they would be supportive through this...well it was only another disappointment added on to all the ones before.

He was my oldest child whom I had been a single parent to since he was five. He was soon to be 26 and had just been married only a short nine months ago to a woman with whom he shared a once in a lifetime love with. He was trying so hard to do everything right. He owned his own home, just got married and had just started back at school to finish his engineering degree. He had worked all day, went home to have dinner with his wife, and headed off on his bike for school. A 73 yr old man pulled out of his driveway in front of him and he just couldn't stop in time. The only solace is we were told it was instant and there was a priest who happened to live close by who stayed with him until the paramedics arrived.

I keep wanting to say the worst part, but there have been so many. At the moment, I struggle the most with the fact he and I had been in our own struggle, with our relationship, this past year. I may feel safe enough here someday to share this but the short story is some hurtful things were said and, because he unfortunately inherited my stubborn side, we hadn't resolved it. Part of me thinks, though I was so very happy for his happiness and I couldn't have picked anyone better for him, I still struggled with the fact that someone else's thoughts and feelings were more important than mine. There had been times throughout the years, especially those teenage just starting to drive ages, when we had had struggles in the past but, this was the first we hadn't gotten over it in a very short time. I don't doubt he knows I love him, and people keep trying to tell me he wanted to resolve things but, right now, this only makes it worse as we ran out of time.

Thank you again for reaching out. I've read many of your posts and appreciate the love and kindness shown to everyone on here struggling with the unimaginable pain of losing someone we love.

[MartyT]

Oh my dear one, I am so, so sorry I'm the mom of two grown sons (and a third who is an angel now) and I can totally relate to how difficult motherhood can be sometimes. Our children can drive us to distraction, most especially when we must live with the consequences of the choices they have made. I pray that one day you will find a way to put the unfinished business between the two of you to rest, as I'm sure that you did the best you could as a mom, and Heaven knows it is not always an easy task. My heart aches for you, and I hope and pray that here you will continue to find the comfort and support you need, and so richly deserve.

[KmB22]

Thank you again Marty. It's true, it certainly wasn't easy at times. I used to also say it's so hard to be the nurturer, teacher, and disciplinarian all at the same time. Unfortunately the balance of everything gets thrown out of sync through divorce, especially with a non-supportive ex. Though I had to let go of most of that pain and anger to keep myself sane (for the most part) I still have some resentment for the many times he could have made it just a little easier...even now.

Shawn, my son, was also my rock. He was rarely unhappy, always upbeat, smiling, and helping everyone around him. Ours was the hang out house where the kids were almost every day (a couple still stop by often) until he decided to move out to his first place. I thought THAT was such a huge loss at that time but I was happy he was growing up so well and responsibly. He was the one I didn't worry about!

My youngest was, and is, a different story. He's 22 and he isolates. He's had quite a few struggles these past few years but he refuses to speak about them. When I try, he gets upset, when I offer to find him help, he gets upset. He allowed me help with the details of some of these struggles but again when I tried to speak about them the typical response was "I'm not Shawn, I don't like to talk about things!". I love him so much but I can't seem to reach him. He had been in the military for some time prior to being injured and coming home. Through our letters I thought he had started to open up to me. His letters were so kind, loving, and thoughtful. I thought finally we had crossed that line and he could trust me enough to tell me his feelings. But when he came back, he shut right down again and now this. I'm petrified of what this is doing to him but he won't talk to me about it and I'm at such a loss. People tell me let him be and when he's ready to talk he will but I know how far he can shut down and don't know I have the strength to watch him fall...I'm at such a loss.

I try very hard not to think of unfinished business. Though Shawn and I fought, at times, we would usually both go off feeling justified for a while and one would always come around. I have no doubt it would have happened this time as well. I know I raised a good man. There were well over a thousand people, who came through to pay their respects, who told me so just in case my constant doubt of myself told me I could have done better. This too would have passed, in my heart I know. The last time I saw him he gave me a hug, said Mom I love you don't worry we'll work it out. That's the part I have to hold on to.

Most of all I really miss him and just don't know where life goes from here.

[Lindakay]

Go on Youtube. Type in Adam Lambert(American Idol runner up) Now look up Sleep Walker. The words suit us so well. Especially the way you're feeling now. Beautiful song too. LindaKay

[KmB22]

Thank you Linda I will check it out. I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time as well.

[rainie]

DEAR ONE...

I FELT THE SAME WAY WHEN I LOST,,,FIRST MY 21 YR OLD SON TO A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT AND WENT THRU ALL THE FIRSTS BEING EXPECTED TO GO TO ALL MY HUSB'S FAMILY GATHERINGS AND "APPEAR NORMAL" AND NO ONE EVER MENTIONED MY SONS NAME...

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING THRU...

THEN I LOST MY OTHER SON TO SUICIDE...AND THE SAME THING HAPPENED IN THIS FAMILY...

OF WHOM HAVE EACH OTHER..AND ARE REALLY IN GROWN FOR THEY DON'T NEED OTHERS..

ANYWAY..

IT WASN'T 'TIL AFTER THE LOSS OF MY SECOND SON THAT I HAD THE COURAGE TO SAY "NO"...NO I AM NOT GOING TO THIS OR THAT..."NO" I WILL NOT PUT MYSELF IN THEIR PRESENCE ..

ANYWAY....

I REALLY CARE....

AND I KNOW TOO WELL WHAT YOU'RE GOING THRU AND WIL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TRYING TO ADJUST TO AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT YOUR DEAR CHILD...

RAINIE64

[Lynnettem123]

When I lost my son my heart breaks into a million pieces forever. The heartache and sadness in no way ends when you leave the cemetery. In most cases it is just beginning. Everyone goes on with their lives and time keeps moving forward. You just want to scream "My son just died and I just want the world to stop and realize that".

Your heart is broken to pieces and there is a hole in your chest and everyone just goes about their life. Grief is a journey and it takes a long time before you start to heal. I went to a mother's bereavement weekend at Faith's Lodge in Danbury last weekend. What I realize is that we just want to talk about our kids and tell their stories. Now the people in our live don't want to keep hearing the stories over and over after two years. Our friends think we should move on and may tell us so anytime we bring up our kids who have died. I think our biggest heartache is that our children who have died will be forgotten. I am hoping to help people deal with grief and that is my tribute to my children. Just keep moving forward not matte how hard it seems.

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