11 Yrs And Still Hurting

[carolinagirl]

I'm new to this board but not new to the pain of the loss of a child. I not only endured the loss of one child, but the loss of two children. Here is my story....

I'm not sure why I haven't done this sooner... talk to somene about the hurt I've been carrying in my heart for 11 yrs. I guess one can say after so much time, ones heart would surely be healed by now. Not so, atleast not in my case. I became pregnant at 19 and married the guy out of fear of having a child out of wedlock. Marrying my sons father was the worst mistake ever! You see my exhusband is a junkie. Anything and everything he can get his hands on that will get him high he will try. During the first trimester of my pregnancy was normal and even into my second trimester was normal. Went to Dr.'s appointments faithfully, took care of myself, ate well, I was even working as a nanny. I'm not sure what really triggered the next string of events. It all happened so quickly, I barely had time to think. I went into premature labor at 17 1/2 weeks along. The Dr.'s tried to stop my labor but were unsuccessful. 20 hours later my son Christian was born via c-section. His embilical cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times. He survived 3 hours of breathing on his own before he was put on a vent. He lived for 3 days before I had to make the choice to take him off. Was the hardest decision I've ever made. About 4 months later I got pregnant again. I was almost into my second trimester before I knew I was pregnant again. I had no symptoms and had gotten my period for those first 3 months. I was terrified. I was so scared I was going to go thru another loss. Fortunately I had a normal pregnancy. Went full term and delivered a 5lb 11oz boy happy and healthy w/out complications. I went home and for the first 3 months everything was great or so I thought. My exhusband was abusing my 3 month old son. I didn't know he was abusing my son, until after we got to the emergency room and was diagnosed with shaken baby syndrome. I went hysterical, crying my eyes out and wouldn't let go of my son. I was terrified that something was wrong and I wasn't going to let him out of my sight! Charges were brought against my exhusband and my son was taken from us. I was in denial and because of it lost my son to the state of FL child protective services. For years I have been carrying the quilt of what I should have done differently. My heart has been hurting for so long that I don't know if it will ever be healed. Since I lost my two sons, I've suffered two miscarriages. One in 97' at 22 and one last year at 29. I am now 30 years old and still cry over my loss. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to eat, shower, get dressed or go to work. Today is one of those days but I forced myself. I just don't know how much more energy I have to carry this heartache before it totally consumes me.

[emcee]

Hi Carolina,

I didn't lose a child and Im not a parent yet. But I recently lost my little sister. Throughout this whole thing, I cant even imagine what my mom is going through. I cant even begin to imagine having to lose a child and I wont even begin to tell you how to feel. But one thing that I can tell you is not to feel guilty. The last few months of my sister's life, my mom and her were always in disagreement. My sister was becoming a young adult and it was really hard for my mom to give her the freedom that she wanted cos she's the baby girl of the family. They went through counceling together and in one of the last session of their counceling, my sister realized that my mom loves her and that's why she was like that. After her death, my mom was overcome with guilt. Feeling guilty is normal cos I, too, feel guilty about my sister's death cos she had collapsed at my apartment under my care. I am not gonna say to stop feeling guilty cos I, too, havent passed that yet. But what I can tell you, in which I remind myself also everyday, is that our relationship with our family, may it be mother-child, brother-sister, or sister-sister, there will always be forgiveness and unconditional love. It's tempting to look back and think about what we can change but the truth of it all is that in out lifetime there is no happiness without sadness, no ambitions without failure, and no peace without pain. From this pain that we're going through, we can only find peace when we grow and learn from it. The pain of losing my sister is unbearable. I know I cant change the past but Im still living to change the future. We are all not given one chance nor second chances, but we are given infinite chances each second of the day and thus, its when we can change what's ahead of us...In the passing of my little sister, I began to believe that everything happens for a reason. I have to. I have to believe that there is a purpose for all of to find and learn from her death. It may be hard for you to believe but somewhat I believe that there is a purpose of why your children are taken away from you. I have to believe that or all are done for nothing. Life is not really about what we can do, what we can accomplish, but it is about what we can learn from it. And what we learn from it, we can give to those after us. My sister left behind that honesty to oneself is the core of our individuality and life.....Your didnt leave you with nothing, they left you with love and lessons from their short time with you. Embrace what they left behind and use it to make them proud.......

Another thing too is dont question the length of your grieving. We are gonna be sad cos we miss them and nobody can erase that feeling from us.

Always praying for you and your children,

Marie

[julianna85014]

I'm sorry for your loss. I understand your guilt. I feel it was m fault my son died. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not my fault, but everytime I think about it objectivly, I winde it around to myself again. Maybe it's selfishness. I don't know. I lost my son on the 17th of May, 2005. My pain is still fresh, and I feel guilt is going to overcome me. I'm depressed as you are. Maybe because my grief is so new, I shouldn't be talking, but I understand what you're feeling. I'll understand it as long as I live.

Julianna

[carolinagirl]

The pain we endure from the loss of a child is no different because I suffered my loss 11 years ago and yours was less than a month ago. It still hurts, and I appreciate your response. No doubt when I posted this I was at the very bottom of the deepest pit of sorrow in my heart. As July-August-September near I get into this depression I can't seem to shake. The traumas I've been thru were in those 3 months.. some much joy and sorrow.. what a mix of emotions! Thank you all for listening and taking the time to respond. You & your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

[erin_monahan]

I'm so sorry for your loss - I cant imagine surviving the loss of two children. You're a very strong woman to have come through this as well as you have. Don't question your timing, we each do it our own way, in our own time.

My little girl died 4 years ago of congenital heart defects, and the guilt is the part I've had the hardest time letting go of. Mommy is supposed to protect the child, especially during pregnancy, right? All I could think for the longest time was that I must have done something wrong. Chances are, neither one of us could have changed a thing. I can't pretend to understand what your specific details were, but I DO understand how we eat ourselves up with the "what if" game. What if I had eaten better, what if I'd have been less stressed out... we can what-if for the rest of our lives and still never know the answers. 11 years is a long time to hold on to the guilt- not to say you ever truly let go, but you should try to forgive yourself for whatever it is that you feel you did wrong - only then can you begin to heal.

Personally I've found that the most rewarding thing I've been able to do since my daughter's death was to channel it into something positive, and opened a website (a bit like this one) and a charity to aid other parents who've lost children. It's a new endeavor, but already I feel like I've accomplished something my daughter would be proud of - maybe find something, some way, to do positive things to help overcome your feelings of guilt?

http://www.poeticacceptance.com

[anne123]

Hi I also last a child in 1991 she was 19 and yes you feel better but you never get over it. I am still greaving for my daughter after all this time. I have other daughters amdI love them more than I can say but the one I lost still has a place in my heart. Take care