"let Me Fix It"

[Jay Wyatt]

I'm a fixer. That's what I do I fix things. There's nothing that I can't fix. I stick with whatever is broken until I get it fixed. I don't give up. If I have enough time I will get it fixed. I was in the process of fixing Mary. I prayed nonstop for her healing. I believed without a doubt that she would be healed. I shut my ears to all of the people who were trying to tell us that she could die. I studied her disease so that I would understand it better and be able to make sure that she was getting the proper care. I constantly reassured Mary that we were going to get through this and that we would do whatever it took to beat this cancer. I spent sleepless nights caring for her. I spent all of time that I had everyday working on getting this fixed. But my problem was that I ran out of time. Cancer took her life before I could fix it. I feel like a failure. I keep retracing my steps to see where I failed. I keep telling myself that I did everything possible that I could to fix this but I still keep feeling like I must have done something wrong. I keep asking what went wrong and why couldn't I fix it. Does anyone else feel like this? Like there was something else that they could have done to fix it. Are there any other fixers out there who feel like they failed?

[LostmyHoney]

Im not much of a fixer but still feel like I failed...sorry thats all I can say now.

God Bless Us All!

Rachel

[abergsma]

I too keep retracing my steps and think "what if"...but my Doctor etc keep telling me it would not have made a difference.

However I still keep wondering??????

What if...

[Cajie_Laurie]

At times, I do the same thing. That's when the If Only's come in. Right now, I am at the point where I have to rely on the fact that God knew what he was doing when he took Tommy away from me. He is in no more pain and neither is your Sweet, precious Mary.

It's hard to accept, I know... because in doing so, I feel like I'm saying it's OK he died because it's not. It was unfair. We (all of us) can't beat ourselves up over things we can't change or fix. I'm reminded of The Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Take Care Jay... God Bless

[Jay Wyatt]

Thanks so much for the replies. I needed to hear this.

Jay Wyatt

[Guest NancyL]

Yes, I was a fixer too. When Don became paralyzed from a virus attacking his spinal cord, I read up on everything that could help. And when nothing more could be done, I made sure we continued to do the things we always did, go out and just live our life. I fought insurance to get the equipment he needed to make his life easier. When his leg had to be amputated because of a MRSA infection, and he became delerious for weeks, I watched over him, read about the drugs they were trying to give him, and forced them to release him to the rehab hospital when they gave him anti depressants which only made him sleep. He said I brought him out of the delerium, and our life went on. When he was diagnosed with yet another immune disorder, ITP, I again researched and joined forums to talk with others. I was assured nobody died from ITP, it was a problem, but everyone lived with it. I let my guard down, and he died from massive bleeding in his brain. I couldn't help him, I pleaded with the doctors to help him, they said there wasn't anything left to do. Yes, I know, how to fix things, and I also know how to fail. I just wish I could fix my broken heart.

[emptyinside]

I'm a fixer, too, and I never thought this would happen. I always thought I could fix it somehow, through prayer, through information, through other people. Well, I failed, and I can't shake the feeling that I let my loved one down.

[Lostdaughter]

Jay,

I am so sorry you lost Mary. And I know you did everything humanly possible. At times we just have to accept that in spite of whatever we do, some things are not fixable. I think that is part of life. We are mere mortals and, for whatever reason, it was Mary's time.

I am not a fixer. Well, maybe I am on some level. But I realize there are some things in life just bigger than me that cannot be fixed. I've had a hard time coming to terms with that and it's not easy. I, too, have done the research and prayed and things didn't turn out as I expected, but that's a different topic. I hope you will find some peace soon and remember the happy times you shared more than the sorrow. They say that happens and I hope it's true.

Well, I know I have no words of wisdom, but I did want to write.

LD

[sunstreet]

Jay,

I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you feel you failed. I understand your feeling as I too feel I failed. Feeling states are just that: "feelings" They are sometimes not rational, nor accurate. Being a fellow fixer I am sure you did everything and then some. I don't believe Mary died because you failed. I hope you can grasp and own that reality one day. You gave Mary the biggest gift of all, you gave her love. We don't want our soulmate to die, we don't want to believe it was their time. It is sometimes easier to take the pain that their death was somehow our fault, rather than to accept that we had no control over it at all.

I wish peace upon your heart.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[melina]

Jay,

I did the same thing. I prayed every day for my husband's healing, discussed the medications, searched the internet for possible cures. I was certain he would beat the cancer. He was a healthy, active man. We were both sure - even up to the day before he died. We sat planning vacations together in his hospital room - thinking that he'd be coming home in a couple of days. I also keep going over and over in my mind things I could have done to fix this. I wish I could have gone back in time with the knowledge I have now and stopped the cancer in its early stages.

There is a book called "The Year of Magical Thinking" - by an author who did the same thing, tried to fix and heal her husband and daughter. She wasn't successful either.

Melina

[elb]

I posted this yesterday in "Loss of A Sibling or Twin" but LostmyHoney suggested I look at this forum and I feel like the people here would understand where I am coming from:

I feel very alone because so many people write as a female losing their sister or a male losing their brother but I am having trouble finding someone who is a woman who lost their brother and feels the way I do. My brother, Oren, and I were 5 years apart (I am the eldest of 5) and I always felt like as the eldest I was/am responsible for the care of my siblings. I have always taken my job as eldest very seriously, never missing a school play, a hockey game etc. Even when I was in college. I felt like I let myself and Oren down by not being able to save him and I feel like I let my other bother, Josh, down by not being able to protect him from witnessing Oren's death. Now in everything I do I feel like a failure. I feel like this was my fault and that Josh will never see me the same way again. I am sad.