Failure To Thrive

[Jay Wyatt]

I'm having another sad day today. I can't stop thinking about Mary. Every thought that comes to my mind today somehow reminds me of her. God, If what I am going thru now is working out for good then it should be exceptionally good because it is exceptionally horrible right now. I can't find the words to describe my feelings today. It seems that I keep saying the same things over and over again. My life is without purpose or meaning. The future looks dark and cold. The plans and dreams that I had are meaningless without Mary. All of the warmth and brightness of the future is gone because I can not share it with her.

It is like I am starting my life over but at the same time I am not. I still live at the same place and in the same house. I still sleep in the same room and the same bed. I still have the same job at the same place. I still have the same routine that I did before. Everything is the same but everything is different. The joy, excitement, and satisfaction is gone from my life. I am just existing in life now instead of thriving.

I recall on one of Mary's final doctors reports that he recorded her condition as "failure to thrive". She was not eating and she was loosing weight. Her strength was not improving and she was getting weaker. Mary was just barely existing physically at the time. I feel like my emotional condition at this time could be described as "failure to thrive". I see no improvement in the 7 weeks since Mary died. I'm still just as sad and heartbroken as I was that very night.

[nats]

Jay,

I feel your heartache and fully understand your feelings as well as thoughts, I felt much the same when my wife Ruth joined God rather unexpectedly due to complications from chemo after 9 months of battling Lung cancer, I find we must deal with our grief a day at a time and sometimes an hour at a time, we do have a "failure to thrive" feeling in the beginning of our grief but it subsides, I wish a could tell you a magic number or day when it will happen but it varies, for most people around 90-120 days, if we do not think past today things seem to ease and comming to terms with the fact we are going to have to alter our way of living now that we have no "other half", but I see a very strong "will to thrive" by you taking the time to post and share, it's indeed a wonderful forum and you will find some good things here to help you on your new journey, the journey none of wanted to take.....but I know one thing with the help of each other here and with God we will all find some comfort by sharing as we all have so much in common....take care of yourself and look for positive things to focus on and your journey will be smoother, I pray God will offer you some comfort in my words....

NATS

[melina]

You've expressed my feelings exactly. Except I'm now nearly 10 weeks out after my husband's death from lung cancer (a non-smoker). He died unexpectedly from complications from pneumonia, and possibly also from the cancer, since it had spread to the bones.

I've been through the same thing - feeling that life is meaningless, I was merely existing, there was no joy, no future and that I might as well not be alive at all.

All I can offer as comfort is that during the past three weeks, I have, more often, periods of time where I feel that life almost has meaning again, that there might be a future and that I do want to live. Sometimes these periods are brief, other times they last a while. I still cry every day, I still feel deep sadness and fear of the future. But those times that are fairly decent happen more often and last longer than they did three weeks ago.

Then I'll get an aftershock and the grief and pain washes over me again. Fortunately it does pass. The problem is that I never know when one of these aftershocks is going to hit. You just have to roll with the punches I guess and enjoy those rare moments when life seems kind of okay.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Jay, this is such a hard journey, and I am so sorry that you have to travel this road. Melina said it so well, one day you will realize that there are periods of time when you feel better, that life has some meaning again. My husband Michael died on January 13, now after over 9 months, I feel that I am starting to move forward. I still have some bad days, days that I just want to crawl into a hole, but I don't, I have gotten stronger. I like what Nats said, try not to look to far into the future, just take it one day at a time, and do the best you can in that day. If I look ahead to the future, all I see is me alone, without Michael. If I just work on today, I can manage. I am starting to enjoy life again, I try not to dwell on Michael's death, but rather on the good memories of our 20 years together. I am very fortunate to have supportive friends and family, and this forum is a great place to come, where everyone understands what we are each going through.

Just know you are not alone Jay, we are all traveling this road with you, we are at different steps in the journey, but we are all on this same road.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Billw]

Hi Jay, I'm sure sorry to hear about your situation. It hits the nail on the head though when you describe your feelings, we all identify. Grief is one of the most baffling things that I have experienced yet in my life. The future seems dark and it is hard to find the bright spots as they are few and far between. NATS mentions a strong reliance on God and it has helped. Human power failed me several times in my life and I also rely on a higher power. I have seen myself as a very strong independent man all of my life needing help from no one with anything, this deal is different. I was finally able to love another human being truly with my heart for the first time in my life and now she is gone, it has literally brought me to my knees. I am re-learning how to not only let others help me but from time to time I have even asked for help. I do have faith that things will change and some day I will know what "normal" looks like again. Failure to thrive comes and goes for me right now, my wife and I worked a lot of years to get to the point where we could do some things and have some fun in life. We had finally learned how to love and enjoy each other without all the expectation and drama that I see in other couples. We had a pretty darn good future planned out and all of that came to a halt when she was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer in October of 08. She tried so hard to stay here, her doctor called her a "warrior", she did not want to leave. She made it until April and she just could not recover. She told me weeks before she passed that I was not to mope around the house the rest of my life, she said I was to finish all of the stuff we started together and enjoy life. Now I continue to look for a new future, as hard as it is to imagine, that is the only way I can think of to honor her memory in my heart. She only wanted the best for me and I wanted the same for her so I will continue to look for happiness on a daily basis. Some days are better than others with that one as we all know. Take care of yourself Jay and I hope things turn for you soon....BW

[kayc]

Jay,

All of us feel that way when we lose a spouse. Eventually we get used to it but we never learn to "like" it. How can we? And platitudes like "all things work together for the good..." don't even seem to apply here. For the good of whom? Us? Not hardly! I don't see how anyway. Maybe eventually it will be good again...when we die and join them. Right now we just do the best we can with what we're left with. I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm sorry all of us have.

[PopPop]

Jay, please accept my sympathies for the loss of your beloved Mary. I am starting my fourth month on this journey and as you said it is like starting life over but it is not. We all may still live, work and sleep in the same places but we are no longer the same individuals as we were before we suffered our losses. I have only just come to the realization that I no longer am the man I was prior to Jume 23, 2010. It's like learning who you are all over again. At 45 I thought I had a very good idea of who I was, what I wanted out of life and how to achieve it, but not so much anymore. All I can do is try to figure out who this new guy is and what he can accomplish with the rest of his life. At the same time I have to make sure that the new guy is someone that Robin would like to know and be proud of. All the best and I hope things get better for you.

[Lainey]

Jay,

Sorry for the loss of your wife, everyone here knows exactly how you feel.

I lost my husband over ten months ago and have been doing fairly well until the beginning of this month. Now I feel like I am back to the beginning. My days are filled with memories of the pain and confusion we were going through, my nights are full of dreams of the final days in hospice.

"Failure to thrive"- an appropriate way to put how I am feeling right now also. Emotionally I am wiped, physically I make myself go walking, eat half-properly and do what has to be done. I just want the next few months to go by quickly.

You're right, everything is the same, yet everything is different. We are all becoming different people,I think knowing our spouses/partners have made us all better people.I also hope that in the future I will have new dreams and hopes. Life is too short to be sad all the time. Our loved ones would want us to be happy and to go on with our lives.

Lainey

[nats]

Lainey,

"You're right, everything is the same, yet everything is different. We are all becoming different people,I think knowing our spouses/partners have made us all better people.I also hope that in the future I will have new dreams and hopes. Life is too short to be sad all the time. Our loved ones would want us to be happy and to go on with our lives". You are so correct that's the attitude I take and it has helped....

NATS