My Heart Runneth Over

[sunstreet]

I know that what I am going through now is normal and neccessary for me to move through my grief but I want to scream "enough already" I am having flashbacks to so many losses in my life. I think it is good that I am finally able to weep over some of my losses that I have managed to bury out of neccessity in order to survive them all. I find myself wondering how did I make it through? I find myself searching for meaning in it all. I think that I am finally accepting that I am slowly going deaf and this acceptance has just served as a catalyst for other losses to come flooding to the surface again. It has given rise to flashbacks to past trauma's that I have long since survived. Sometimes lately I feel so overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks, and can not decide what to eat, if to eat, do I want to eat. I want to hide away under my wolf blanket and just weep and weep, not face any challenges, any responsibilities. In essence, I think I want respite from carrying it all for a while. If only I could shut my brain off for a time.

I know that the great depth we can feel our pain, the greater our healing. I know this time will pass and I will once again feel like engaging in life again but in the meantime it is so utterly painful and frightening.

I have been talking with God all night and I know how He has been with me through it all and I know He will not abandon me now but honestly it just doesn't feel like enough just now. I need more. I have to search for more. I know that not getting any sleep last night is also adding to my emotional unrest at present. I feel afraid to sleep, the nightmare's have returned, and my soulmate is not here any longer to hold me, comfort me when they happen. I have to face them on my own now. I can do it I know but I am so frightened. God, only let's us remember what we are ready to remember that is my firm belief. Thank you for letting me rant, it has been helpful. This raging storm that my mournful heart feels will pass and once again feel in balance.

Thank you for listening.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[Guest NancyL]

Carol Ann, I don't know what I can say to help. I know right now you must face your losing your hearing on your own. But know that I care about your troubles and wish I could help. I've always hoped when people are hurting, that they could think of me and send me some of their pain so they wouldn't have so much. Please if it helps, think of me and send me your pain so you can sleep tonight. Peace and restful sleep tonight. Nancy

[Jay Wyatt]

I have been talking with God all night and I know how He has been with me through it all and I know He will not abandon me now but honestly it just doesn't feel like enough just now. I need more.

Carol Ann,

We are physical as well as spiritual beings. We commune with God through the spirit but the physical part of us was created for physical communication. I have had the exact experience that you are having now. Below is my journal entry from October 23, 2010. Hopefully it will help you to know that what you are feeling is normal and that others have been through it also.

In Christ's love,

Jay

October 23, 2010

I like solitude. In fact, I need it. I need time alone with just me and God everyday. Usually the first thing in the morning is when I prefer to be alone with God. It is a time of prayer and reflection on what matters most in this life and it is very important to me. On the other hand I hate and dread loneliness. Loneliness is very different from solitude. Solitude is a choice to be alone for a time to refresh and renew the mind. Loneliness is a feeling of despair that overtakes one's mind and causes hopelessness and loss of purpose. I never knew what loneliness felt like until Mary was gone. She was my reason and my purpose in life. I know that I am blessed with loving and caring family and friends who are there for me any time I call on them. But Mary was my very special companion. God knew that we needed companionship. When He created man He said that "it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him". I have lost my companion and my helper. God said that "a man will leave his father and his mother and be united with his wife, and the two shall become one flesh". I am not whole anymore. There is a part of me missing. I know that I have God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit with me at all times and that I am truly never alone but I need someone special in the flesh to share my life with and to share my love with. I suppose that some people are satisfied with living this life alone. Maybe there own company is sufficient for them or maybe they are too selfish to share themselves with someone else. Maybe they have found that Jesus is all they need and that they don't need fleshly companionship. I find that I need someone to care about, to provide for, and to share love and life with. Ever since Mary has been gone I find that I am lonely whether I am by myself or in a crowd. Yes I enjoy my time of solitude when it is just me and God but I was not created to be alone. God blessed me with Mary to be my companion, my partner, and my best friend; and the curse of sin took her from me. I pray that God will grant me the grace to live life without that someone special in the flesh or either bless me with someone just as special as Mary was to fill the void that is in me.

[LostmyHoney]

WOW Carol Ann,

You have touched me deeply!

I too have had quite a bit of trauma in my life, not from my childhood, but from my 1st 2 marriages and related situation. Though as far as I know I have not suffered any permanent physical damage. Some of what happened to me is still such a mystery as I only get bits and pieces of it. I can only hope that I can be as brave as you have been when/if I finaly do remember.

On another note, one of the lady's I work with gave me a hug a while back and I made the comment "Those are what I miss the most" since then every time she sees me she give me a hug. I hope that you can possibly fine someone like that for yourself. In the meantime HUGGGGGSSS to you!

Rachel

[sunstreet]

Nancy, thank you for your response to my post. You have helped me just by responding. I feel heard, less alone, less burdened, thank you. I am sorry for your loss.

Jay, thank you so much. How kind to share your personal journal entry. I am both sad and comforted that I am not alone with how I am feeling. I am sorry for your loss. Your words express so clearly what is on my heart. I am deeply sorry that you and others have been and will be here at this place in this painful journey.

I feel understood and supported, thank you both so much. I was able to have an emergency session with my therapist today that was both deeply painful and healing at the same time. I feel blessed this moment.

My fear has lessened, my burdens lightened, I feel lifted.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Rachel, I am deeply sorry for the trauma you have endured and survived. You are already brave Rachel, you "SURVIVED!" I think for myself the fact that I have survived so much trauma makes any subsequent loss that much more difficult as the subsequent loss serves as a trigger to past loss, that we might not even have realized or remembered yet. I understand Rachel, you are not alone. I too hope that God brings safe people into my life that I can receive and give a hug too. I so need that. Currently, I have no human to receive a hug from, nor give. I am sorry, deeply sorry for all of your loss Rachel.

Thank you for your hug, I feel it, and HHHHUUUUGGGGS!!!! to you too. Please feel free to email me should you feel the need. You have helped me, thank you.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann