Am I Totally Abnormal?

[beakerj]

Hi, my name is Becka. After nearly 2 years of fighting lung cancer my Mum went into a Hospice 5 weeks ago, & died 2 weeks ago today. I've never had a close bereavement before & was very close to my Mum. A few days before she went into the Hospice I suddenly stopped sleeping & then eating, out of nowhere, & have only made it through the last weeks with medication & drinking milk/milkshake/build up drinks etc. Basically I've had a breakdown & am not functioning, i.e. not working/driving/being on my own. My dogs are staying with friends. I've been diagnosed with depression & my Doctor has just changed my medication, so I'm in transition time.

The other aspect to this is that I've been having a lot of frightening thoughts about God (normally I'm a practisisng Christian), I feel everything's been shaken up & mixed up & I can't make sense of anything normal, everything looks terrifying. Everything difficult & hard in the world makes me flinch & cringe. I have had problems with anxiety for most of my adult life, but wasn't expecting my reaction to be this severe, & certainly not the weird thoughts.

The counsellor at the Hospice said this was all normal stuff for bereavement, but I'm not convinced. I just feel like the world's weakest person (my siblings are sad , but functional)& like this will never end.

Anyone have any wisdom or experience of this?

Thanks

[LostmyHoney]

Hi Becka, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been reading this forum for a few months now and from what I have read you really are quite normal. Everyone goes through this process diffrently. Most of our life experiances will determin how much something like this will effect us. Your previous anxiety has been amplified by quite a bit.

I hope you can find some peace here on this site as I have, we are all in the same boat here though not all journeys are the same. This boat that non of us wanted to board.

Rachel

[grace10]

Hi Becka,

We all go through our grieving process in our own way. It does not mean that we are crazy because we are questioning so much and feeling so lost and anxious. I would honor and accept whatever feelings are coming up for you and try to do things for yourself that resonate with self care. Even when one has anxiety, there are usually some periods of calm between the anxiety. This is all a process that we go through at our own pace. Take care!

[beakerj]

Thankyou for this....do you all know of anyone who's been through similar with the weird thinking, & come through it? I'm so shocked at this, although I understand I'm not in my 'right' mind right now. I just feel it's never going to stop, which is a horrible feeling.

[sunstreet]

Dear Becka,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I think you are experiencing very normal feelings and thoughts. I was once at the very place where you are now and I have come through. It is not fair to compare yourself to your siblings or anyone else for that matter for we all our inviduals. None of our journey's in bereavement will be the same. The pain is similar but the the journey through will be different with each and every one of us. I encourage you to welcome and honour whatever feelings and thoughts come up for you and look to them as opportunities to heal and move along in this journey.

You have found a safe place here. Keep coming back. We are here. You are not alone.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[niamh]

hi Becka,

I am so so sorry about the loss of your dear Mom. I don't have words of comfort, I don't think they exist but what I can tell you is that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. I lost my Dad suddenly on 17th Dec 2009, it turned my world upside down and inside out. I was off work for Christmas holidays anyways but I could not go back until March. I tried two times and ran out of the place in panic. I too am Christian and it rocked every single belief and thought I've ever had. There is no aspect of my life that this has not touched and turned topsy turvey.

Nothing makes sense, I've been there, sometimes I am still there, I'm not sure we ever truly understand what death is while we are on this earth. Everything is very frightening, the security that you had in this world has been taken from you, whether someone is dependant on a parent or not I believe they still provide an invisible security blanket and they provide the bottom of the world for us, when that it taken it is unbelievably scary.

This is all normal reaction to you losing your Mom. All I can say is to do some research on grief when and if you can and you will slowly realise you are not going crazy, the shock is beyond enormous and everything is normal, I can't stress that enough.

I found a book ......more like a reference guide actually that you can simply look and read about a particular feeling and it lets you know that it's ok to feel that, think that etc. It's called "How to survive you grief" by Susan Fuller. It lists about 50 emotions/feelings and simply has 1 or 2 pages on each so it's easy to read and relate to.

Just allow yourself to feel everything you feel and know that you're not crazy as much as it can feel like you are simply losing your mind, that is just the shock to your entire system, physically, emotionally and mentally.

And know that as alone as you feel right now, we are all here with you, while our grief is unique to each of us, there are aspects we can relate to. So always feel free to write whatever you feel, whenever you are up to it.

Sending hugs and love your way

Niamh

[beakerj]

Thank you Carol Ann, I'm really really encouraged by your reply. Will keep coming back. I'm so pleased you have come through. XXX

[beakerj]

Niamh, I find this hugely encouraging & helpful. Everything you've said resonates with me. This is all my mushy brain can manage for now, but thank you so much. I thelps to know I'm not as 'unique' as I feel in this way.

Love & hugs back,

Becka

[MartyT]

Becka, dear ~ As you can see from the responses you've received so far, you most certainly are NOT "Totally Abnormal" and I hope just knowing that will offer you some small measure of comfort. I'm a firm believer that the more you know about what is normal in grief, the less "crazy" you feel, and the more you can discover how to manage better your own reactions. In addition to the fine book Niamh has recommended, I want to point you to the list of all the other books our members have read and recommended: Grief Bibliography. If you find it too difficult to concentrate on a book right now (another common reaction in grief: difficulty concentrating ) you'll find links to dozens of helpful articles on these pages of our Grief Healing Web site:

Death of a Parent

Articles by Marty Tousley

Articles by Other Authors

[niamh]

Niamh, I find this hugely encouraging & helpful. Everything you've said resonates with me. This is all my mushy brain can manage for now, but thank you so much. I thelps to know I'm not as 'unique' as I feel in this way.

Love & hugs back,

Becka

I'm glad to hear Becka,I remember so well having these emotions and feelings I never had before and I thought I'd felt it all in my "old" life,couldn't have been more wrong!!. So often i would simply google a feeling,add the word grief to the search and was relieved to come to the realization I was not losing it.

Then I came here,read for ages before I could even write,my head was complete mush and I didn't even know how to put words on it.

Knowing that there was at least one other person in the world who just got it was the tiniest comfort. This is such a safe place to be able to talk freely knowing nobody will tell you what to do,how to feel so a big huge welcome and we are all here with you on this lonely road.

Xoxo

[beakerj]

Hey Niamh, did you ever get your head sorted out about your faith? Did anything help?

[niamh]

hey Becka,

I wish I could say I did but nope I'm so lost with it all. I've had to go to a few Masses the last few weeks for my Dad and I've just wanted to stand in the church and scream at God to come down and justify all this to me...........and they are the times when I feel I can acknowledge him. Sometimes I wonder, I've got some "signs" with songs which I kind of think they were from my Dad but then another part of me still questions it all. My Dad & I were so so close, he would do absolutely anything for me & here I am in a world without him and I wonder why he doesn't push through whatever to be able to visit me in a dream, send me a feeling like he's right here with me, hugging me......knowing how much he loves me I can't get why he doesn't do this. Then the doubt sets in and I wonder is he really there, what if he's not, it doesn't make sense he doesn't come through to me.

I did buy a book called "Hello from Heaven", I started reading it but found it extremely hard and had to stop although at the same time I do believe when others talk about these experiences with their loved ones who have crossed over. But I need it for me, I need to be one of those people experiencing it, not reading about someone else's experience.

I also bought "Life after death" by Deepak Chopra, didn't finish this either. It was like I was waiting for the magic moment, the hard evidence, proof beyond a doubt that this is an afterlife but it never came so I just couldn't read any further.

I think I am searching for more on just the afterlife itself Becka, if God exists and is somewhere, I am still very angry with him. I went to Rome, Italy with my Dad last year, just the 2 of us, we'd always wanted to visit the Vatican where the Pope lives.......it was amazing. As much as I doubt everything then there is another part of me that just wants to go back there to where I was with Dad, to see if I can feel some connection to something.

So as you can see it's a lot of mush Becka, going around in circles, trying to work it all out while know at the same time I won't get the full proper answer in this life. I don't think there is anything wrong with that though, it's normal and I think well if God (or whatever he/she is called !!!) is there then he understands all our questions, doubt, anger etc. So just with everything else Becka, I just let myself feel whatever I need to about my faith aswell.

I only wish I had the proper answer for you.

(((hugs)))) hun,

Niamh

xx

[beakerj]

Hi again Niamh, huge thanks for your reply - I appreciate your honesty & not giving out platitudes , it's so weird to be questioning & scared about something that has underpinned my life for so long...I wish neither of us had these things to go through & we both had the 'proper' answer. I just feel really encouraged by you sharing with me & being so accepting. I'm very fortunate to have a lot of very caring people around me, but talking to those who 'know' right now, is so helpful.

Big hugs to you too.

Becka

[sunstreet]

Thank you Carol Ann, I'm really really encouraged by your reply. Will keep coming back. I'm so pleased you have come through. XXX

Becka, it warms my heart to know that my reply has helped you feel encouraged. Thank you for letting me know. I am glad that you will keep coming back. This journey is one that we did not ask for or want but here we are on this journey. I have come through much loss in my life and my journey ever evolves. I firmly believe in God, and it is entirely OK to be angry with Him. This is the beliefs I have and I will share with you. I believe God is not a forceful God. He allows us free will. All we need do is have our hearts open and we will experience the wonderful works of God. I have at times been furious with God but in the end he is not mortal like us otherwise I would be the first one in line asking Him how could you let this happen? God does not come to us, he does not interfer, as that would be taking away our free will and our own power. When we have a loss, God's heart is breaking too, he mourns with us, he cries with us and He prays that our hearts remain open so healing can take place. This is my belief system and it has served me well in my life.

I pray you find a belief, so as to have faith, so as to have hope, so as to heal.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[niamh]

Hi again Niamh, huge thanks for your reply - I appreciate your honesty & not giving out platitudes , it's so weird to be questioning & scared about something that has underpinned my life for so long...I wish neither of us had these things to go through & we both had the 'proper' answer. I just feel really encouraged by you sharing with me & being so accepting. I'm very fortunate to have a lot of very caring people around me, but talking to those who 'know' right now, is so helpful.

Big hugs to you too.

Becka

you're very welcome Becka, yep I always questioned things but it was more like in discussions, even with my Dad, we would chat and wonder about it all while still having a firm belief in something.

We had a big chat about the afterlife in Rome and sometimes now I feel jealous because I think my Dad knows it all now, he has all the answers to everything we talked about that night.

I'm so glad there is some little comfort for you here, it has been and still is such a lifeline for me. I too have some very caring people in my life but to just have people here who just get all of it and are living it right now adds extra support. Sometimes I feel I'm out of words with friends and family, I've said it all over and over but here it's just easier to still talk about every little aspect of it all. I'm glad you found your way to us, I like to think my Dad had a part in me finding my way to this site, that all our loved ones are somehow bringing us together here. I wish I wasn't part of this club but now that I am I think there couldn't be a better bunch of people to share it with,

xo

[beakerj]

Thanks Niamh, it is comforting to come here. I'm not having a good day today, feel like my grim thoughts will never end, & life never go to something worth living. Hope your day is better! XXX