My Load Feels Too Heavy Tonight

[sunstreet]

I am struggling so very much tonight. I can not seem to settle, and let myself sleep. I have to many burdens that I carry. Normally, I do fairly well with it all but tonight it feels like such a weight upon my heart. I know this time of year is so very hard for me for so many reasons.

There are so many whose burdens are far worse than mine. I struggle tonight to feel grateful. I am loosing my health, my good strong body is loosing it's battle. I could dissociate from my physical pain before but I can not any longer. Perhaps this is a good thing, I do not know.

I am weeping for the loss of my health, my hearing, and my financial well-being. I am frightened of the unknown. I have been struggling financially ever since my wife suicided, going from two incomes to one, my wife left a lot of debt behind, that I did not know about. Such a load for one income. My car needs work, can not afford it.

I feel so ashamed because I want to climb the highest mountain and scream out does anyone care? Do I matter? Why am I feeling this way? Can you die from not having any physical contact from another human being? Can it affect the way you manage your burdens?

I have so much to be grateful for and yet I weep. It is hard, so hard this time of year, it magnifies it all, and is unbearable tonight. I hate it!

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[MartyT]

My dear Carol Ann, we cannot take away your burdens, as they are yours alone to carry ~ but we can invite you to lay them down for a while so you can rest. And while you do that, please know that we ~ every single one of us ~ are lifting you up, and holding you in gentle thought and prayer until you find the strength to carry on. ♥

[beakerj]

Hey Carol Ann. So sorry to hear you feel so bad right now.

I've seen you do so much for others on here & wish there was some way that your burdens could just vanish.

Are there strategies you've used before that might be helpful now? Things you haven't needed to use for a while...or is there someone you could call that would just let you spill it all out? Yelling from a mountain sounds quite good, though it's really hard to find anywhere secluded enough to really yell. The inside of a moving car is the best I can find.

Just know that you are being thought about, with real sympathy.

Warmest wishes & hugs,

Becka XXX

P.S. If this has posted as 2 separate things it's because technology sometimes wins over my intention.

[sunstreet]

Marty,

Thank you so much. I needed a reminder to lay them down for a while. I forget sometimes, that what is best is to just rest, my mind, body and soul, and replenish, restore, so I can find the strength to continue on. I think this time of year especially, I can get triggered into others believes about me, and I start to believe it again. Your post has helped me to remind myself that I need to get back to my own belief system and that I am allowed to rest.

My blue feeling has lifted today. I am sure the fact that I got a very good night's sleep last night helped tremendously. I did not get much sleep on Christmas Day night, as I awoke from a nightmare and it was like I was right back in bed with Melissa and she was dead. I am grateful that it did not paralyze me and I just sat and wept. Maybe next year I won't even have a nightmare.

Anyhow, I am feeling so lifted by your post thank you.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[abergsma]

"I have so much to be grateful for and yet I weep. It is hard, so hard this time of year, it magnifies it all"

I hear your pain Carol Ann..Remember one day at a time!

Hugs Allana

[sunstreet]

Becka,

It has touched me deeply that you have replied to my post, thank you so much. Thanks for wishing my burdens could just vanish. When I am feeling some darkenss as I was last night it is hard to see the many blessings my burdens have given me. I do know that I have been blessed in many ways through the adversities in my life as difficult as they all were and are. It is my belief, that the darkness that comes in the journey of grief and loss, if we learn how to experience those times in a healthy coping way, they indeed become our blessings and we find even more Light than we had before. This has just been my experience anyhow.

Thank you for asking if there are any strategies that I have not used or needed in a while. As this has given rise to me thinking that there is something that will be helpful now again. That is my tape recorder, it is time that I talk out loud again, into the tape recorder. Thank you so much for causing me to think on this.

Yes, I too have screamed in the car while driving. I don't have anyone in my life that I could call and vent it all out to, except for my therapist, and all of you here. I will be seeing my therapist on Jan 2, we have two hours booked, so I will be able to do alot of venting then.....seems so far away right now though.

Know that I gently lift you in thought and prayer as you weather your own journey. Hugs to you.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Oh Dear Allana,

It touches me deeply that you have heard my pain, in the midst of your own pain. For sure Allana, thanks for the reminder...one day at a time. (((( HUGS )))) to you too!

I am feeling so much better today. Last evening was so tough, and kind of caught me off guard, but I rest knowing more healing came because of it.

I wish you some peace and joy.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[STARKISS]

Hi Sunstreet, I feel so ashamed of myself, here I am telling you all my problems and I have not realized how bad things are for you, I wish I could take them all away from you and give you a very peaceful life but I can not... I can pray for you and send you hugs and I will keep you in my thoughts always my friend and I will be there right before you if only in spirit... You are a true friend Carol Ann and I think of you as amazing.. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Shelley

[sunstreet]

Dear Shelley,

Thank you for seeing that I too was in pain. I don't know if you noticed but I started this post in December 2010. I am no longer at that place in my healing journey Shelley. I don't have times any more when the pain is all consuming and seems unsurvivable. I allowed and welcomed my pain and then went about learning what I needed to do to heal and move through the pain. So rest your mind about me Shelley, I am ok. My life is peaceful now Shelley.

I validate the shame that you feel and I understand it but I don't believe you deserve it at all my friend. I commend you for being able to reach out to me as you have and it has been nothing but a blessing for me. You did not add to my load, in fact you have helped me too, so I thank you. I consider you a dear friend as well. I think of you as amazing as well, consistently choosing a path that will lead you to healing and integration and reconciliation of all your loss so you too can feel this peace that I now feel.

Shelley, I feel you and everyone here supporting, understanding and caring. That is what it is all about Shelley, reaching out, finding courage, sharing, breaking the silence, shedding Light upon the darkness so it can not take root and you are doing it my friend.

Sending you (((( HUGS )))) too my friend.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[STARKISS]

Thanks Carol ann for all the nice words, I feel so special to have friends like you who really understand and care about us all.. I feel like I am a member of the human race here.. Thanks again Shelley

[sunstreet]

Dear Shelley,

You are more than welcome Shelley. You are special and a valued member of the human race here and everywhere dear Shelley. I do understand, more than likely you are aware...and I have faith in you and your ability to weather your chosen path of healing and continue to blossom into all that you have a right to.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann