Loss Of My Daughter`

[Guest Karen]

Well it all started when my daughter, Lucy, was 2 years old she kept having these terrible throat infections that wouldnt go away. Eventually we got fed up with being fobbed off by our GP and took her to the hospital where they told us that she had Leukaemia - our world collapsed before our eyes.

We were sent to a specialist hospital where we were told she would have to endure over 2 years of chemotherapy, i thought i would never stop crying, but we did it and we all got through the nightmare years and Lucy was once again a healthy child (now 5 years old).

Well for 9 months she lived a happy normal life then one day i noticed bruises appearing all over her and i had that terrible sinking feeling that the leukaemia was back. The very next day we went back to the hospital for her regular check up and they confirmed to us that she had relapsed, by this time her father and i were separated, i was once again thrown into turmoil, her 8 year old brother kept me going. She spent 5 weeks hospitalised and i had to sit and watch my daughter deteriorate in front of my eyes i knew in my heart i was losing her.

On July 20th 2003 she died in my arms it was the worse feeling ever ive never cried so much in my life the pain was excrutiating i wish i could make it go away. I have to be strong for my 8 year old son but some days i just feel so tired ive tried to get counselling here but there seems to be a waiting list which seems crazy to me so a friend found this site and thought it may help so i thought i would give it a try

[MartyT]

Dear Karen,

There simply are no words to express the sorrow we all feel as we read of the death of your darling daughter, and I can only imagine how devastating this must be for you. Of course your life is forever changed as a result of Lucy's death -- because there is nothing, nothing, nothing as painful as losing a child. After all, we are not supposed to outlive our children, are we? It goes completely against the natural order of things, it is so terribly unjust, and it is so very hard to accept.

I'm sure you already know that the bond you have with your daughter will be with you always, just as long as you keep her memory and the love you share with her alive in your heart. You will always be Lucy's mother, and Lucy will always be your beloved daughter. Death may have ended her life, but it certainly does not end the relationship you have with her. Although she is no longer physically present, it doesn't mean you cannot continue to love her in her absence.

As you have discovered, grief is exhausting and saps every ounce of energy you may have, which makes it very difficult to be there emotionally and in every other way for your eight-year-old son. Of course you still love your remaining child dearly -- but he is not the daughter you have lost, and you have every right to miss your precious Lucy as much as you do.

Since it's only been eight weeks since she died, I sincerely hope you've found someone to talk to about all of this. Grieving is difficult enough without having to do it all alone. Sharing your feelings, reactions and experiences with another gives you a safe place to express yourself, helps you understand that what you're feeling is normal, and may give you the hope that if other mothers have found a way to survive a loss like this, then you will find your own way, too.

You say you've looked into counseling and "there seems to be a waiting list"-- but please don't rule out talking to a trusted friend or relative, a neighbor or co-worker, a clergy person, even someone on the Internet. I also encourage you to contact The Compassionat Friends (at http://www.compassionatefriends.org ) to see if there is a support group near you comprised of other grieving parents. Even if counseling isn't available to you right now, try contacting your local library, mortuary or hospice organization to find out what other bereavement resources are available in your own community -- and if you don't have the energy to do this research yourself, perhaps you can ask a friend, relative or neighbor to do it for you. (Remember all those people who have said to you, "If there is anything I can do please let me know." This would be a good assignment for them!)

I'm so grateful that your friend directed you to this Discussion Group (which can be a wonderful source of support and is always available you). If you haven't already done so, I hope you'll also take time to visit each of the pages on our Grief Healing Web site (at http://www.griefhealing.com ) -- it contains a wealth of information as well as links to many other helpful sites, each of which I've visited and reviewed personally. See the Links/Human Loss Links page on my site, at http://www.griefhealing.com/HumanLossLinks.htm. Scroll down the page to the category labeled DEATH OF A CHILD/GRANDCHILD. See especially these sites, each developed by parents whose feelings and experiences may be similar to your own:

Baby Steps, at http://www.babysteps.com

Bereaved Parents of the USA, at http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org

The Compassionate Friends, at http://www.compassionatefriends.org

Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Love, at http://www.loveneverdies.net

Mothers in Sympathy and Support, at http://www.misschildren.org

You can also go to your library, bookstore or on the Internet to find and read some of the wonderful books others have written about coping with the death of a child -- they will help you learn what to expect in the weeks and months ahead, and they can reassure you that, although no one can do it for you and you must find your own way, you are not alone in this terrible grief journey of yours. See the Articles and Books page on my Web site, at http://www.griefhealing.com/columnsbooks.htm for suggestions. Once there, scroll down the page until you come to the section labeled Suggestions for Further Reading. Click on any title and you can read a description of each. (You don't have to buy these books from Amazon unless you want to; if you see a title that interests you, write down the title and ask for it in your public library.)

Please know that we're all holding you in our thoughts and prayers, and we hope that from time to time you'll let us know how you and your son are doing.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[bev]

Im so sorry to read of your loss.......Im so sorry theres nothing I can say to make it right......Im just here as someone whos lost loved ones.....and a mum Im not a counsellor......so I have no soothing words but your story made me cry........I feel soo much for you , I lost my dad to leukaemia at 65.....he managed to catch the childrens leukaemia at that age but lost his battle in 3 weeks ! Its still a devastating illness ....and yet I remember when we told people what was wrong , almost without fail people said...oh they can do lots for that now !! YES they can but for some its not enough......

Im thinking of you and wishing you strength and everything you need to get thro this terrible time.....God bless

BIG HUG

[Hans]

About 14 year ago, my Aunt Betty lost her son Scot in a single car accident. He was 26 and the beacon of the family. His death rocked our family. Today, Scot's brother (my cousin) Craig and I are best friends, just like brothers and we would both do anything for one another. Had this tragedy not occurred, Craig and I would not have developed our friendship the way we have. Of course, I would have Scot back in a minute but this relationship I cherish as I cherish looking at my little son, or like the love I share with my wife. So I am forever grateful for the opportunity to develop my relationship with Craig.

My Aunt Betty went through a couple years of depression medication and a lot of therapy and then put her life together. When my mother died recently, it brought back those feelings to Aunt Betty of losing Scot. She said that everyone when the time is right has to make a decision to be there for the other people that love and need them. She could have just laid down and given up, and I think she did just that many times as she moved forward in her progress. Her love for her other children and her husband saw her through a horrible time. She will never be the same, but she is OK and gets a lot of joy from the other positive milestones that have occurred since then: Graduations, Baptisms, Grandchildren. I now know that life is for certain a double edged sword and only our minds can keep us on the dull side.

[gdoty]

I too lost my little angel in May of this year her name is Cheyenne you will find her story in another post but time and love will see us through this there are good days and bad days this is not an easy journey to be exact it is one of the hardest journeys I have ever had to go on but I also believe that God has a purpose for all he does and even though we don't know his purpose right now we just have to have faith and trust in him that he knows what is best and even though our pain is very intense our children feel no pain where they are at is wonderful I know that just sounds like a lot of the same stuff others keep telling you and believe me there are days I don't want to hear any of this either but I know if I ever want to see Cheyenne again I have to believe that what the bible says is true and I have to live my life the best I can and it's ok to cry and it's ok to grieve and it's even ok to question God. No matter what you feel at this moment it's ok you just feel it. If it helps to write it write it Good luck on your journey and god bless you.