Lost My Only Child, My Daughter Jessi

[jessismom]

On Thanksgiving day November 25, 2010 I lost my only child Jessi 14 from effects of chemotherapy after being treated for 5 months for AML (acute mylogenous leukemia). Jessi just turned 14 in October. She was diagnosed June 26 after returning home from a vacation with a very close family. In one day our life changed. Jessi endured 5 months of treatment and long hospital stays because AML treatment is very harsh. Jessi, me and her dad were all so very close. We did everything together. Now.....we are lost. Devastated. I really can't find the exact words to describe what this is like. The thought of forever is excruciating. There are days that feel like we won't make it. How do people do this? How do you go on when your future is gone. We did'nt just lose a daughter, we lost a son-in-law, grandchildren.......where is one to go from here. I feel as though life is hell now just without the heat. It's simply uncomprehendable. Any one with words of advice are welcome.....this will be my first mothers day without her.....im simply dreading that day which is in one week.

[Guest Nicholas]

Hello, you have definitely come to the right place as many people will tell you. We are all suffering similar pain and so can write from varying degrees of experience.

They say losing a child is the worst loss of all, and I can vouch for that personally. I lost both my parents when I was young (my mother when I was 19, my father when 23), but neither of those two losses compare to the sheer pain of losing my only son in December, even though he was adopted and not a blood relative. He had been part of my life for 21 years, but after years of drinking, his liver and other organs gave up on December 29th 2010.

I wish I could offer you something positive, but I can't. You will need immense strength, good and loyal friends and family, a caring physician/counsellor, much talking (if you feel like it), crying and reading (there are many helpful books on this topic).

Advice from others on here will also help enormously.

Your religion may help, too, if you have one: my son was Buddhist so he believed he would be re-born, that may be of comfort to some.

Feel free to contact me if you think that might help, I am not a counsellor - just someone who has also lost the dearest person in their life.

Take care.

Nicholas

[Babypod]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine. My Grandmother lost my Aunt Mary when she was 12 to Acute Erythro Leukemia - a rare form of AML. I will admit that she did have other children - but she was very close to my Aunt Mary. I asked her once how she moved on - This is what she told me, "I never moved on. I still think of Mary everyday. I love Mary and always will, but I know in my heart that Mary would have wanted me to move on. Mary would have been disappointed if I didn't keep going. I keep her alive in my heart and I have kept her alive to all you guys - and by doing that she isn't really gone." I don't know if these words help you - but I can say she did keep my aunt alive to all of us - I never met her but I feel like I knew her. My Grandmother always had a very strong faith as well and she believed she would spend eternity with Mary - and I know that helped her as well. Now, I will admit - even to the day she died at 90 she still cried for the loss of Mary - she just found a way to keep going.

Is there something you could do to help her to live on. Did Jessi have any strong passions - animals, environment, sports - anything like that you try to focus on to do in her spirit?

Hugs - I am so sorry. We lost our first late in the pregnancy and as hard as that was I know it doesn't compare to your loss. Please keep writing here - everyone here is so loving and kind.

[rose20]

Hello Jesismom!

Your post caught my eye because my little girl's name is Jessi and she is now 13 born in October. Not many spell Jessi with just the i at the end.

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss of your only child. There are just no words good enough to express a tragedy like this.

I know your heart is breaking and all you long for is your daughter.

My son was taken from us instantly in a car wreck. He just turned 20 years old and one month later he was gone. A very special boy. IT was a dark night on an unfamiliar road that he was taking my nephew home and didn't see a stop sign and the curving of the road. His car hit into a ditch which sent the car airborn and hit into an old tree.

Losing him has left our family so empty. My heart breaks new every day to just see him, to hear his sweet voice, to touch him.

I am no longer the same.

It's like when you lose a child you lose your identity as a mom.

I was so lost inside.

Time does not heal the pain or make it all vanish away. Only having our child back could do that. But time does help us to learn how to cope.

We function, first like a robot it seems, just going through the motions with no feelings in it, but in time we learn how to cope with this new way of life, a life without our child.

Of course we carry them in our hearts and oh how sweet it is to have a dream of them. At least in a dream you can see them and hear them.

Writing was always a big part of my life and after this I just could not write but then I began slowly but at least I began. I am so glad I did. Journaling does help. You can get out a lot of emotions on paper.

God helped me, even though I felt like God had vanished with my son, He had truly never left me and He is there for you too. He provides the strength needed to face each day.

I planted a lot of flowers. Seemed like getting my hands into the soil helped me. Seeing the new flowers grow gave me peace somehow.

Sitting at my son's grave I really felt the closest to God and felt peace there because there I was able to weep openly and talk openly to my son.

Being part of a grief support helps also. Talking with others who truly understand this heartache, makes you feel you're not alone.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

My heart goes out to you.

~rose~

[Guest Nicholas]

Dear Rose,

Whenever I read or hear about anyone losing a child, it makes me so sad and brings back all the pain. I am so sorry about your son. Although my son was adopted, the pain is just as bad, some say it is worse because you feel that you let them down after promising to take care of them. But I wouldn't know about that. I often think if I had done things differently, what might have been. I have no grave to visit or cry over, but I do have his ashes which some may consider creepy. But I talk to him all the time anyway, ashes or no ashes.

Take care.

Nicholas

[missingmyson]

I also lost my only child he would have been 22 on the fourth of July I miss him, he was my best friend his name is Brandon its been five months I miss him so much. He crossed over in a motorcycle accident. I am sorry for your loss. I cry every day. He was my only child also. I still talk to him, I think about him every min of every day. My heart is broken, I had him when I was 17 we grew up together. I know we will be together again one day.

Take care

Jen

[pmpupdamike]

My heart goes out to all of you. I am so very very sorry for the losses that everyone here, has shared. Losing a child, is perhaps the cruelest of life's events. I wish I had something constructive to share or say. Wishing all of you, strength and peace.