Wallowing In Grief Or?

[Guest Nicholas]

How do you know if you are grieving "normally" (whatever that word means) or wallowing in grief? I have always had a tendency to wallow in grief and make the most of my own misery, but just recently I have become confused about all this. My doctor, who knows me very well, thinks I am wallowing a bit in my grief and says I could do more to make myself feel better - this was in response to my telling him I felt sad and lonely. And I know that by going into my son's room or looking at his photos or going to his memorial website, I will only succeed in making myself cry and feel even sadder. Is that "wallowing in grief" or "normal" grieving?

Is there anything I should be doing differently? Working from home doesn't help matters, though I do force myself to go out each day.

Many thanks in advance to all those who have an insight into this.

Nicholas

[sunstreet]

Dear Nicholas,

I am sorry that your doctor has said this to you. Nicholas, it has only been just a few days shy of 5 months since Thanomsil died. I see you doing remarkably well in your path of grief. No-one can say what your journey should be it is not their loss. Frankly, I feel a little angry at your doctor. I am not a professional in the field of grief and loss by any stretch but I have experienced an awful lot of loss and what I can say for certain that from my experience you are moving in your grief. I do not experience you as wallowing....I see you experiencing normal feelings and doing normal behaviors after the loss of your son. I see you expressing your pain, getting out each day, dealing with the daily tasks of life, despite your pain. This is not wallowing in my opinion; this is healthy in my thinking. It makes sense to me that you are feeling sad and lonely, Thanomsil was not only your son, but your friend and you shared a home together. I say good for you for putting words to your pain with you doctor and shame on him for letting you down this way.

I gave up long ago to fit into anyone elses idea of what my healing path should be or look like for I beat to my own drum. The only thing I can offer is to surround your self with like minded people and continue on your path of healing that I see you doing so brilliantly and courageously.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[mfh]

Dear Nicholas,

I'm with Carol Ann on this. It sounds like you are doing quite well. Looking at pictures, crying, etc is not wallowing...it is dealing with your loss. Remember doctors frequently like to fix things...see results...feel successful. As far as I am concerned he has probably never suffered a loss like you have, should not have said that, and perhaps needed to listen and reach out more...if he could. YOu get out daily, you are working, you are in touch with people....keep on keeping on.

[Guest Nicholas]

Dear Carol Ann and mfh,

Thank you both for your thoughtful and insightful posts. Though my doctor knows me very well - he has treated me for almost 20 years - he definitely is not an expert on grief and has admitted such to me. He is younger than me and I don't think has even had to deal with a patient who has lost a child before. He tries to help and wants to, but probably isn't suitably qualified to do so, I think he specializes in heart disease (and not broken hearts).

Our discussions are always forthright in nature, and we even email on occasions, and I did try to explain my position to him, I am sure he means well but lacks experience. And that is why this forum is in many ways more helpful as posters like you know more about bereavement than my doctor.

I shall continue to remember my son the way I choose.

Thanks again.

Nicholas

[niamh]

hi Nicholas

I too agree with Carol Ann and mfh, I really don't think someone can "wallow" in grief, it is painful, it is miserable and you feel whatever you feel for how ever long you do and nobody can say there is something wrong with it.

You are doing so much already, working, coming here talking with everyone, making yourself go out as you say.

Nothing at all wrong with going in your son's room or doing anything that makes you cry. My thinking is nothing can really make one even more sad after they have lost someone so looking at his photos going to his website, letting those tears flow is far from wallowing, it's simply what you need to do at that time so it's good for you. Nobody knows your grief better than you do Nicholas, you are the one true expert on it so I say just go with the flow of it.

sending much peace and comfort your way

Niamh

[hello123]

Hi Nicholas, I know what you/he means though but I think its better to do that. In the beginning I did have times where I chose to 'wallow' going out of your way to look at photos listen to music you know its going to make you cry but thats comforting! Pretending everythings fine and doing other things isn't healthy. However there are times when if you did 'stuff' you would be able to forget well not forget but it wont be as consuming, but only you know when those days are. I understand it though sometimes I purposely stayed at home looked at his clothes and made myself cry and now I do that less I chose not to but sometimes it is comforting and in time you might decide to do other things and do that less but you should do what makes you feel good. And if that means staying in and grieving do that but if its not then try and go out and do things and see if it helps?

[Guest Nicholas]

Thank you for those two additional replies; I have emailed my doctor with some of these postings and told him his comments upset me and am waiting for a reply. It is not that he doesn't care - he was extremely concerned about my mental state after Thanomsil died - he just isn't very good at dealing with grief-stricken patients I think. Also, the fact that our relationship is not the normal doctor-patient one (we often discuss other non-medical matters), he probably feels he can be rather more blunt to me than he would to other patients. Only on this occasion, I think he was a bit tactless.

Thanks again & I shall continue my wallowing!

Nicholas

[Babypod]

Nicholas,

I am with the other posters. First - everyone deals with grief differently. My Grandmother lost her daughter to cancer in 1961. My entire life I remember coming into the room and catching her crying - not every day - but very often - at least weekly. My Grandmother always kissed my Aunt Mary and my Grandfather's photos before bed. Every night she did that and told them "good night". On their birthdays she sang happy birthday - on the anniversary of their death she always cried. Every Christmas there was always a tear or two shed for them. She missed them.

I do believe there are some people who touch our lives so much that we never stop grieving for them. They were such amazing and wonderful people - and they touched our lives in a way that the grief never really goes away. Some people never experience those people - and that is sad. People who are lucky - like us - have these great and shinning people enter our lives, but when they leave it leaves a hole that can never be filled - and will always be empty. We learn to find a way to go on - we find more and new things to love - but that pain from the loss of that person will always be there - for our love is always there for them and I believe their love is still here in us.

From the stories I heard about my Grandma when my Aunt died and my Grandfather things did start hurting less after about a year. For me - most of the time she talked about my Aunt and Grandpa it was with love and joy - sharing her memories of them with me - thus I know she did hit a point where she was able to look at photos of them without crying. She found a new way to live and survive. She found a new way to have them in her life - but it took time.

Now - I admit I am new to this type of grief. I have lost those I loved - my mother in law, my step father, my step Grandmother, my step great grandmother, a dear friend - I did love them all and miss them, but my the loss of my Grandmother truly shows me the difference between losing someone you love and losing that person who brings the life to your life. Before the loss of my beautiful Grandma the most intense pain I felt was a late miscarriage - 20ish weeks - which was almost 12 years ago. Last year was the first time June 17th came about and I didn't cry. In all honestly - and I hate to say this - last year June 17th came and went - and somewhere around June 20th it hit me.

I guess where I am going with this is that I think it is still too soon for you to be where you Doctor things you should be. Doctors see death differently than we do (I have worked with MANY doctors). You are not "Wallowing" in your grief - you are missing your son.

Those are just my two cents.

Angel

[MartyT]

Beautifully stated, Angel ~ thank you. And thanks to all the members of our GH family who've responded so appropriately to Nicholas's question. It's a simple fact: not every health care professional is schooled, trained and experienced in dealing with grief.

[Guest Nicholas]

Thank you Marty, and a big thank you, too, to Babypod (Angel), whose post summed up my feelings perfectly and so eloquently. Anything I added to that post would be superfluous, other than I have emailed it to my doctor in the hope that he better understands (my) grief.

Nicholas

[Rachael_NI]

Well done Nicholas for coming here to get some advice so you can trusting your own grief process. Of course I agree with everyone here, all these people who are still in their grief, they know how it is. Feel the pain as much and as often as you can, for if you try to put a lid on it, it will resurface at another time in life, and will be much more complicated.

I hope you continue to be gentle with yourself as I could not be.

Love and Blessings

Rachael.

[Guest Nicholas]

Dear Rachael,

Thank you for your response, I am still waiting to hear back from my GP after I emailed him some of these postings. I guess NHS GPs are not really trained to deal with such intangible things as grief; they need to be able to "see" a disease and issue a prescription, or if it is a psychiatric disorder and pills don't help, to refer you to a psychiatrist. I did ask if he thought I should see a grief counsellor and he specifically said no, but that I could/should continue to see him as often as necessary. That was very kind of him but he just lacks the qualifications and know-how to deal with a bereaved patient.

It is 21 weeks today since I lost my son, Wednesdays will never be the same again (nor will any other day).

Nicholas

[Guest Nicholas]

Found this online, well worth emailing to GPs who are inexperienced in grief:

Understanding Clients Who Suffer the Loss of a Loved One

The anguish of dealing with death

People talk about it being wrong to "wallow in grief" and use phrases

like some of these:

* Tears won't bring them back

* Time heals all wounds

* You had many good years together

* I know how you feel

* You should get a dog, they are wonderful companions

* They died immediately and never knew what happened

* They are in a better place

* They are better off dead. It was a blessing in disguise

The truth is that most people are clueless about the impact of death

and simply unable to comprehend the human suffering that is unleashed

following such a death. Read on here >>>>>

Edited May 25, 2011 by MartyT
Source cited

[MartyT]

Nicholas, dear, by way of explaining my editing your post, above: This is an outstanding article and I so appreciate your finding it and sharing it with us. I did manage to find it online, and although I completely understand your reprinting it here (and "tweaking" the last paragraph for your physician's consumption), in order for our public site to abide by copyright laws, we cannot re-post an article without the author's permission, we cannot alter its content in any way, and we must cite the source. Still, I thank you again for posting such an important article, which certainly does a fine job of addressing the topic at hand. I agree with you: I wish every person in health care would read this article! Accordingly, I am posting a link to it on Twitter and on my Grief Healing Facebook page!

[sunstreet]

Dear Nicholas,

Thank you for sharing this article with us. It really says it so well. Nicholas, I was really struck when I read that when you asked your GP if you should see a Grief Counsellor that he specifically said "NO" and you should just continue to see him as much as you like. I am sure your GP's intentions are well-meaning but it really sounds though that he is lacking in understanding of what your needs are and the process of navigating such a loss as you have had to endure.

I encourage you to listen to your own instincts about what you need Nicholas. It may be that you need to seek out a professional who specifically deals with grief and loss. You are in charge of your own healing process Nicholas.

Know that I continue to hold you in gentle thought and prayer.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Guest Nicholas]

Dear Marty,

Yes, I copied that article & edited the last bit as it came from a non-medical/legal site I believe, but I fully understand your re-posting it in the correct fashion; I only run my own website not forum so am not au fait with the posting ramifications. I found it summed up perfectly what every doctor should know.

Carol Ann, I got a nice email back from my doctor; he kind of apologized, he isn't by any means qualified in the field of bereavement but wants to monitor me and then see if I should see a counsellor I think. At the moment I am not really sure what I want/need, I am still in the shock phase.

Thanks again,

Nicholas

[niamh]

thanks for sharing the article Nicholoas, as everyone says it really does sum it all up perfectly

wishing you a peaceful day

Niamh

[sunstreet]

Dear Nicholas,

I am happy to learn that your doctor sent you a nice email and kind of apologized. It is ok to not know what you want/need right now Nicholas and I think it quite normal too. Your doctor I am sure has geniune care and concern for you but may not be the only one to give you what you need.

Sometimes when I have to make decisions or think I do I take some time for quiet contemplation and just let all the thoughts wash over me without judgement. Then I will journal about it; and always the answers come to me.

Take all the time you need Nicholas. It is your healing journey and you are in charge of it. I continue to hold you in gentle thought and prayer.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann