dave s Posted June 9, 2011 Report Share Posted June 9, 2011 Today is the day I lost Mike 1 month ago exactly, all say it has gone fast, i maintain that it feels like a lifetime. I have reached the anger phase for the past 3 days, mad at Mike for not taking better care of himself, mad at mike for not listening to me, and following up with the doctor, as i believe that if he had this wouldnt have reached this point....mad at his upbringing that was an alcholic unsupportive environment that never showed love, mad at myself for falling in love and therefore recieving a broken heart....mad at god for allowing this to occur....wishing I could cry right now as it would feel better than this anger.....how do i deal with this anger, Mikes favorite birds showed up this am at my kitchen window, was sort of a peace sign from him, he needs to do more! I feel so betrayed for losing him, I feel so angry at the lost dreams and memories....What am suppose to learn from this tragedy? all my memories right now are clouded with his illness, death, and this month of grieving....occasionally I remember a good moment, smile... and then get so angry knowing that there will be no more....Am i in a normal state right now.....I have no idea, dont know what to trust in my emotions anymore... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Sure sounds normal to me Dave. I think you said what all of us have felt at some time. I had a tough time remembering happy times early on but I am able to do that more now...at 14 months. I feel robbed also of dreams and plans and growing old together. I understand your pain. Anger is one of the emotions we feel when we lose someone or something we treasure. One thing that helps me when I know I need to cry (and I am grateful that comes easily for me) is to watch a movie that is sad. I know that sounds weird..to watch a sad movie when you are already sad but it could help you get in touch with the pain and hurt that is beneath the anger. I think there is a list on this site somewhere. I will go search for it and come right back. Another thing that might help is to write a letter to those with whom you are angry...spit it all out, say it all...and then write another about what hurts so much. Just some thoughts that help me. I will come back after I search for that movie list. Mary mfh I found it. Marty posted this a while back and people add to it, I believe: Grief Movies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perkins808 Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hi Dave, I oftened wondered how time could be so unreliable...one second it felt like Jeff had passed away a lifetime ago, then the next second it seemed like just yesterday he was holding my hand and telling me he was going to grow old with me. I think the anger is the hardest for me to deal with. Personally I think my anger comes from feeling such a loss of control. I couldn't make the cancer go away, I couldn't bring him back when he went into cardiac arrest.....and in the beginning I couldn't even control my own emotions. I have found that not fighting things when they come up has helped. When I feel a good cry coming on I find a quiet spot and just let it happen. The anger was harder to deal with, but as stupid as it may sound, sometimes just screaming into a pillow helped. I also have some wonderful friends that I could pour out all my emotions to....but this I would use as a last resort because I never wanted to take my anger out on them. Normal? I don't know if anyone can really judge what "normal" is - but I can tell you that I, and a lot of others here......have felt or are still feeling exactly the way you are feeling now. Be patient with yourself. Cut yourself some slack on your bad days and if a moment of happiness comes along, enjoy every second of it. Hugs, Tammy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Dave, Yes it's normal to feel angry. You won't stay in your anger, but you may experience it for a while. Sometimes our emotions are all over the place, esp. in the earlier part. A broken heart is the price we pay for love, but I wouldn't have done away with one second I had with George...to absent yourself from love might eliminate the pain, but to do so would also sacrifice life itself. "The Dance" always spoke to me (Garth Brooks). I'm sorry you're hurting so much...anger does come from pain. Sometimes we try to make sense of something inexplicable and it's just plain hard. I have found it does help to voice it though, as it validates your feelings when you are heard. Keep coming here and posting, you are not alone. Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted June 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 mfh, thxs finding myself feeling better the next day after verbalizing the hell I am in, enjoying the birds, my nephew and only a few tears today..dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted June 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 KayC, feeling better today for awhile, just hope i dont shut down my heart so I wont have the opportunity to dance again.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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