We Don't Have To Be Strong

[MartyT]

From an article in Hopeline Newsletter by Cathy Heider:

We Don’t Have to be Strong

I remember when my baby brother died, although I was only about four years old at the time. I must have been told that he had gone to heaven because the next time I saw him, he was in his small white casket. I remember a lot of people crying. I remember my Mom was not. But mostly, I remember never hearing anyone speak of my little brother again.

A few years later, my favorite cat disappeared and was never found. I cried over the loss of my pet. My family asked why I was crying, and I said it was because I loved my cat. They said I was silly. People don’t love cats. So I learned to cry in private.

When I was 22 my father died. Everyone said I must be strong for my mother’s sake. She cried a lot. I held my tears in. I showed everyone how strong I could be. It was hard to be strong, but I did it because that’s what I was taught.

When my daughter died almost four years ago, I found out that I didn’t have to be strong for anyone else. I didn’t have to hide my tears, and I didn’t have to stop talking about her.

We need to teach our children and others that it’s normal to grieve over losses. If we help each other, then no one has to pretend to be strong. The real strength of healing will show through in time. We can cry together, not alone. And then we won’t be afraid to talk about our loss. Tears can heal and memories can bring smiles to our faces.

– by Cathy Heider, The Compassionate Friends, Algona, IA, in HopeLine Newsletter, February 2005, HOPE for Bereaved, Inc., www.hopeforbereaved.com

[spela]

Thank you Marty. I wish more people read this, not only those who are grieving. I know I don't have to be strong but the truth is, it's getting more and more difficult to talk about how I feel - as for other people it's something from the past, something that happened a long time ago. But we live without them NOW, and that's not something from the past.

[aunt]

this is very helpful marty. when my nephew died 11 weeks ago, my mother (77yrs old) kept telling me that i should try to hold it together for my sister's sake. when my tears would get the better of me in the presence of my sister, i felt i was making things worse for her and being selfish. each time i apologized to her she would say that she didn't feel that way at all. my mom is just old school. she has lost many people in her long lifetime and that's just the way you did things back in her day.

my children are 17 (son) and 20 (daughter). i have always believed in openness about our feelings, whatever they my be, and have raised them this way. at the time- and since- they lost their cousin they were both, even my son, able to allow their feelings to show, at home, at the service, at the visits to the cemetery, etc. i believe it is unhealthy to repress or internalize our feelings. i believe that we have to let the painful things hurt before they will begin to get better. thanks for posting this.

[aunt]

i replied to this the other day but it has disappeared.

thanks for posting this article marty.