Do You Feel "abandoned" By Family And/or Friends

[0623]

My husband passed away in July, 2013. We were married for 33 years, and I loved him very much. His entire family has dumped me, including his son, who was supposed to help me start a business and help me, which never happened. I have no family of my own. My mother died in 2007 of Alzheimer's; we took care of her. This has become a nightmare of biblical proportions. I know I should make new friends, but I am 64 and John was the only real friend I ever had, except for my parents. I do have a neighbor who I am close to, and a couple ladies who I talk to on the phone, and a slew of pets. The problem is I have never done anything on my own. Before John it was my parents, and I was content with that. We never were invited to Thanksgiving or Christmas; we always celebrated by ourselves. When I married John, I finally had somewhere to go on the holidays. My mother never felt comfortable with these people, and was uncomfortable going to their houses. She particularly didn't trust John's son. Now I know why.

I don't have much money anymore. Right after John died, a developer offered a large sum of money for my place. I feel comfortable here, and, like a fool, didn't take the deal, relying on my stepson's offer to help me start a business. My problem is I have been a trusting fool all my life. My stepson promised his dad on his deathbed that he would take care of me. He never calls, and I have only seen him a couple times in two years.

I could go on and on. Is this a common occurrence, or is it just me? My dad was a man of his word, and if he said he would do something, he would try his best. I guess I was used to being a beloved wife and daughter, not being treated in this manner.

John's sister is even worse. We even had two memorial services -- one for his sister's family, and one for us. It was the worse case of sibling rivalry I have ever seen. She is now fighting with a ghost. This woman is a marriage and family counselor, and I am not even sure that I am going to get John's share of his inheritance. His 100-year-old mother is still alive, and John's sister can manipulate her to do anything she wants her to do.

[kayc]

0623,

Do you have a name we can call you? I feel funny calling you 0623. I am so sorry for your loss. I was married 23 years to my kid's dad, which ended in divorce. Then I finally got a man that adored me and I him, and we were blissfully happy, and he died 3 years 8 months after we married. There will never be another George. I don't have a lot of friends either, it seems every time I make some, they move away. I, too, have pets...you'll find a lot of pet lovers here. If you look on "Loss of Spouse" section there is a thread about our "furry friends" that we post stuff about our pets...when something happens with them or something.

You asked if kids/family disappearing is common...unfortunately, yes. My husband would be shocked to find that his family disappeared on me, I have slight contact with his daughter on Facebook, but she lives in another state, so it's not surprising, but his siblings and dad all live a couple hours away and I hear from NONE of them. It's as if we never existed. Our friends disappeared too. I think George would be very surprised to learn that, but I've been on my own since he died, and it's been ten years now.

I wouldn't say you're a fool for not taking the deal (on your place), it's hard to make big changes right at first, familiar is comfortable and with losing our husbands, we have enough to deal with without having to change homes, etc. You might feel more amenable to change on down the road, but for that time, I really understand your not taking the deal. Are you working or retired? I lost my job after my husband died, and got a new one just as unemployment was due to run out, but it was the worst job of my life. They laid me off for a year (cut me back to one day a week but wanted me to get full time work done in that day and bugged me all the time at home...during that year I looked hard and wide for a job but didn't get one. It was the height of the recession plus no one wanted someone "older". I was brought back to four days a week and then let go altogether. At that time I decided to retire, it was my 61st birthday, and I didn't want to go on unemployment or face another year of rejection for nothing. It's been almost two years since and I am glad to not be working any more. Commuting 100 miles a day had factored in to my decision, plus I'd had two accidents due to no fault of my own, one the night before my layoff. So I'm broke but peaceful.

It's hard making these major decisions without our husbands to talk it over with, isn't it.

I hope you'll start your own thread in the "Loss of Spouse" section, it gets more traffic, it'll be good for others to see you here and respond to you. Anyway, welcome to our site, I hope you'll continue to come here and read and post.

[sharirouse]

0623, I am sorry for your loss and sadly, it seems that losing people can bring out the worst in others. Its enough to make you want to jump off a cliff. Hopefully you will be able to make some friends here! And oddly enough, the loss of my dad strengthened a friendship I had when she found out her Nana had cancer. She thinks Im incredibly strong and I think shes weird for that haha but its nice to have someone to just weep too!

I definitely do not think you are a fool at all for that! I didnt want to give up my dads house after he died and I didnt live there. I cant imagine the idea of moving out of a house that I shared with a spouse. You had been married to him longer than I have been alive and I dont think anyone would look at you as being foolish for not moving. And oh my gosh, I ended up getting fooled by my brother so dont feel bad about your stepson. The loss really opened my eyes and Im sad I didnt open them up before but Ill be damned if he can think he can fool me again. I got a whole story on that if you ever want to complain! 

The abandonment is definitely a common occurrence which is ridiculous. But you are definitely not alone, so just remember that!

As for the inheritance, I think since you were married to him you are legally entitled to it. If they are going to be mean, dont be afraid to stand up for yourself. Its not like theyre there for you now.  

[Guest]

Oh brother, this the topic at my house so often. We have so many relatives, and honestly only hear from our own children, ever. It's been 6 months since we lost our youngest son to suicide, and 6 months since we have apparently developed leprosy as well. A contractor came by to give us an estimate on a shower remodel and we practically fed him dinner and begged for his life story, not wanting him to leave. Poor guy, LOL. We don't have dinners out with people unless we set it up and do the inviting. We see the photos from parties, gatherings, vacations, weekends, trips, etc.. on facebook, so we know all of our friends and family are still alive and well. But nobody calls. Yes, we've reached out and asked for more contact, to no avail except maybe a text to ask 'how y'all doing?'. It's so impersonal and quite frankly - cowardly.

Honestly, the only places where people speak to me now is at work or in a bar. So those are the places I go. I try to avoid children, so that is an issue I would imagine. But 'they' don't know this about me, although they probably assume it. 

I too didn't know that I'd be mourning the loss of our son along with all of our relationships as well. It still surprises me even though we've been complaining about it for many months. I have made 3 new friends, and this is a blessing. 2 are older ladies that I can really sit and talk deeply with. The other 1 is younger, and fun to hang out with for chatting and even laughter. It's a new world, a new me, a new us... nothing is the same. 

[LadyCarrie]

Has anyone noticed that Jerry and my photo is where Marty's photo belongs; Fae's lovely fairy is where Jerry's and my photo belong, and I believe Marj's cat is where Fae belongs?  Interesting.  This is how it's been showing up for me for a couple of days.   

Carrie

[kayc]

I'm not seeing it that way, Carrie, but some odd things have been showing up.  Hopefully it'll all rectify eventually.

[MartyT]

I think the problem rests with your computer, Carrie, as no one else seems to have that issue (including me). I suggest that you try clearing your cache, history and other browser data, and then re-boot your computer. Please let us know if that solves the problem . . . 

[LadyCarrie]

Thanks, y'all.  That got me straightened out.  I did think it was neat to be "Administrator" for a day though, if only on my own computer.  Thanks, Marty.  Happy and grateful to be back in my own spot again also. ?.  

❤️

Carrie

 

[katrina407]

 It seems to me that family, friends go by years, rather than how I feel, at least when I keep busy I am OK! Like this heat wave, I can,not do anything, walks, I find I miss her even more! Do you all agree, we are living in fast pace more and more. Because I do! Indeed when I try to reach for HELP , no one is there for me, in fact sometimes they close the door! Well for now I am alive and well, but there are times, I son,t like to be treated by these so called friends, friends that tell me to shut! My true friend is a Pet! One thing about the women I lost, never ever treated me that way! Like Mother like daughter! God bless, sorry I have not been online, this new tablet at times,,

[Guest]

I'm having a hard time with this subject almost every day. My therapist said that I have abandonment feelings, I say it's REAL.

[kayc]

Carrie,

I got a smile out of your Administrator remark.  

Katrina,

I'm not good at using my Kindle OR my laptop, I feel much more comfortable with my PC, so I understand how hard it must be to try and get used to one.

My bestie is my dog, Arlie, too!  Why would he not be?  He never judges, he's always there for me (and with enthusiasm!), he's adorable to look at, cuddly, and always ready for a walk!  He could care less what my weight is or if my makeup is on, he's funny and goofy, and always brings me a smile.

[Rochestergal]

My sweet daughter age 20, died suddenly in a freak car accident on Labor Day 2014.  Like you can imagine we were devastated and are coping as best as can be imagined.  We were abandoned by some friends and family like everyone here.  We have had some time to process these feelings and I came to the conclusion that anyone who abandoned us never really had our back to begin with; they were fair weather friends and family.  It took us a while to come to that conclusion; we were hurt and angry and focused too much time on them, while not giving much thought to who was actually there for us.  The number of those who stuck by us, while we were on the emotional roller coaster was small, but their humanity and compassion far outweighed the others.  During periods of heavy grieving, I was fixated on those who abandoned us; it was a waste of time.  I no longer need/want them in our life and we are no longer hurt or angry; it is, what it is.  We are still in the long process of redefining who we are as a family and as people.  Focusing on them would be a hindrance to our new normal.  Redefining our lives is hard work, just like grieving is.  Unchartered waters and uncertainty, which is if you think about it, life itself; every day is different.  Changing yourself and your life is very difficult, especially as you get older, but necessary.  When I reached the realization that some people were not there for us; it opened my mind and life to other experiences, once again it was not easy, but for me in order to move forward I had to.  We had a happy, loving family before our daughter died and we need to get that happy back in tribute to our sweet daughter.  This is what she would want, no doubt and we are doing all we can to honor her, in our own way and in the way of our family life.  Madeline died, but it does not mean we died along with her, even though for a while it felt like that.  Our lives will never be the same, but we are doing all we can to get back on a healthy track.  I exercise daily; go to tap dance class, yoga and journal my feelings.  We also count our considerable blessings; our other sweet daughter who is in pain and lost her sibling, our intact and happy marriage, our good health, our financially stable life;  it took us a long time to realize this.  We know that on and off for the rest of our lives, we will grieve.  But we are still alive and must go on, not only for ourselves but for Madeline, who loved life more than anything.  God Bless everyone here who is hurting; I hope my words alleviated some of your pain and you appreciate the people in your life that did not abandon you.  Below is a photo of Madeline, taken two months before she died.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your daughter, it must have been a horrific shock.  It sounds like you've learned the things I've learned on my grief journey, perhaps with the aid of a grief counselor.  It does take a lot of effort to do our grief work, but I see that as the way forward to rebuilding our lives.  Thank you for sharing here.  A lot of people read and don't post, but your post will give a lot of people encouragement that if you can go on, they can too.

[Rochestergal]

To call it a shock was an understatement!  Madeline was the perfect child, never gave us anything problems what so ever; she was accepted as a transfer student to Cornel University a month after she died; her dream school.  With this said; I found a counselor who herself, lost her son in a tragic car accident when he was 23 yrs old; he too was a perfect child.  She was 4 years into her grief journey when I started with her, she was a Godsend to me.  I also follow life coach Tom Zuba, who in the span of 15 years, lost his wife and daughter suddenly and then a son to cancer at age 13, his book and being part of a grief Facebook counseling was a great healing tool for us.  Grieving is hard, hard work and you have to be willing to open your wound to receive the beginning of healing.  Tom Zuba has coined the phrase "a new way to do grief", which means not closing yourself off, not living in the past, not holding yourself accountable for the death no matter what the circumstances were, and valuing yourself and your life to rebuild.  The old way to do grief does not work and it compounds pain on top of pain; shutting yourself off, keeping "busy" to "forget"about your pain, feeling guilty.  In his book Permission to Mourn: A New Way To Do Grief, he tells us to give ourselves permission to cry, wail, talk about your loved one until you no longer feel it is necessary, stop blaming yourself and others and much, much more.  Shutting down and trying to forget only makes the situation worse, the phrase "letting it all hang out" is how you heal.  A lot of people are terrified at the thought of opening yourself wide open to feel the pain and isolation but, it is the first steps to healing.  Your heartbreak will never go entirely away, but we were not put on Earth to suffer and like everything else we do and know about life, it a choice you make - be in pain and misery or turn it around.  Thank you for your kind words; it is appreciated and much healing to you. 

Edited May 14, 2016 by MartyT
Link inserted

[MartyT]

My dear, I am touched by your wise words and the sheer determination it must have taken you and your husband (and your other sweet daughter) to process this horrific loss. Your Madeline is beautiful ~ thank you for sharing that lovely photo with us. I agree completely with your recommending Tom Zuba's wonderful book, as well as his sensible and practical approach to grief. Like you, he speaks from experience, and his wisdom is hard-won, genuine and real.

Thank you so much for joining us and for taking the time to share your thoughts with us. Blessings to you and your family.  ♥

[Rochestergal]

Marty, thank you for the editing to my post.  I wanted to make it clear that Tom Zuba helped us to turn our grief around and he deserves a mention of his book, in addition to my therapist.  Thank you also Marty for creating this site.  Websites, blogs and social media sites are tremendous tools that grievers now have to express themselves, not to make light of our situation, but what a time it is to grief with all these healthy and helpful options; if you are willing. 

[MartyT]

Yes, my dear, "if you are willing." That is the key. Support for grief is all around us nowadays, but we must muster the strength and the courage to look for and to find it and, as the saying goes, "keep what is worth keeping and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." I respect and admire your willingness to do just that. (Tom Zuba's book is listed as one we recommend on our Grief Bibliography page, here: Grief Bibliography.)  ♥

[Pam in RI]

I got it off my chest so I deleted the comment.

[KATPILOT]

I too am sorry for the loss of your daughter Rochestergal not only to you but your entire family. You speak from wisdom through the time you have spent on this journey. Your courage and and family love are to be admired. Thank you for sharing your insight. It is a good day when we can let go of the one's who let go of us.

[kayc]

Pam in RI,

I didn't see your comment before you deleted it, but rest assured this is a safe place to post, and we're here to listen when you're ready.

[surfergirl]

Everyone's story here resonates with me so much right now.  Long story short: mom diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  my relationship with mom (I am in my 40's) has not been easy.  I come from a family with intergenerational trauma, resulting in childhood neglect and emotional abuse, focused more on the eldest daughter (me, my mother and my grandmother).  Therapy has helped me and I admit I haven't always acted in the most loving way towards mom when I was realizing the depth of deprivation I experienced as a child.  We barely spoke over the past two years (I live far away) and now her cancer.  Talk about guilt!  So many emotions coming up with me.

I have (or so I thought) a small group of good friends back home that I figured I could rely on to accommodate me, to give me a bed and just be there for me while I am visiting family next week for the first time since the diagnosis.  None was forthcoming.  In fact, when I asked, nobody even responded.

I finally called one friend five days later to follow up - she said she didn't respond because she didn't want to feel uncomfortable and didn't want drama.  I told her life gets uncomfortable sometimes, that's just how it is.  I live by the beach and since I moved here 2 years ago she has stayed with me twice for a week at a time.  Finally she texted me offering her place but now I am not sure I want to be with her since she doesn't seem to be able to hang with the discomfort and I really don't want to be a burden.  Ugh.

My other friend is even worse.  When I texted her how anxious I felt about seeing my mom (who, in the two months since I saw her has had a seizure and a stroke and lost mobility and memory and is losing her 'filter' so has angry outbursts at everyone), she gave me a list of advice I really didn't want, need or ask for.  Then I get a text that was clearly not meant for me.  It said: "she's worried her mom will be mean to her.  Like I said, its all about surfergirl now.  She's not the one dying and going through chemotherapy.."

I was stunned.  I reached out for support from a "friend" of almost 20 years and had my heart ripped out of my chest in return.  I called her and she didn't even know she had made the mistake.  To her credit, she let me talk without interruption while I told her how she had broken my heart and I need non-judgmental, compassionate support, not advice.  I told her she needs to be the bigger person here. Then I let her go.

I am wondering what else I can say to my "friends" who clearly cannot understand and are even judging me for my feelings.  I have received more compassion from perfect strangers than from these people.  Thankfully, I have found a place to stay with a person in my hometown I have met ONCE.  Should I just drop my friends and focus on new ones?  Should I be more understanding of their obvious lack of capacity to empathize?  How can i explain to them what I need?

 

 

 

 

[ChinUp54]

Surfergirl, my heart goes out to you during this most difficult time. Your family dynamic sounds so much like mine. I too am the oldest and have always felt as though I was "practiced on." You are a strong person for making the trip and do not deserve any judgment by others. Do what you must but take care of yourself first. If the person you've met only once is where you will stay, that tells me so much about her and her compassionate heart for you. That is what you need right now, compassion for yourself and from others.

I have been going through a transition in my life that has caused me to let go of some long time friends who no longer fit into my life or serve me in where I am headed. While some may view "blessing and releasing" people from my life may be harsh, it's actually freeing for me. Transition is difficult but worthwhile. 

Please keep us posted as to how your visit works for you. Again I am so sorry you're experiencing this. Keep coming back to this site for support. 

[kayc]

Surfergirl

I am so sorry for all you have gone through and are currently going through.  It is very hard when friends disappoint us on this level.  When my husband died our friends disappeared.  I know death makes people uncomfortable, it confronts them with their own immortality and they don't know what to say or how to respond, and it changes the dynamics is previous "couplehood".  However, I would not have done that to them and to me, that was a dealbreaker.

You will need to decide for yourself if you want to continue being friends with these people, but right now might not be a good time to decide that.  Put them on the back burner, out of your thoughts, you have more important things to occupy your mind with right now.  When things settle down for you then you can give it some thought and decide if you want them in your life and if you want to let them know your feelings about it.  I'm the kind that would tell them how they've made me feel, but we don't all respond the same.  Most importantly, do what is best for YOU.

Good luck with what you are going through.  Family can be complicated and not all of us came from perfect homes and it seems to me that your being there for you mom when she has need of you is a full of grace action, bless you for it, I know it's not easy but you're taking the upper road.  And yes, this IS about you, as well as her.

[surfergirl]

Thank you both for your kind words.  I am dreading the journey and the visit, to be honest.  My in-laws here on the coast have recently lost a loved one to lung cancer as has my husband's ex-wife (who we are close friends with) so I do have a LOT of support and compassion locally.  My husband lost his brother to cancer a few years before I met him.  Having been through it, everyone here seems to know what to say, how to say it and what to expect, which is really nice.  I guess I just assumed everyone else would be as compassionate.

This experience has also caused me to cast my mind back to when I felt helpless and at a loss when friends were mourning the loss of their parents.  I can't recall being so callous or giving trite, un-asked for advice, however.  I just couldn't relate.  I don't know.  I feel very judgmental and that's not a good feeling.

As difficult as it is, I will put it on the back burner for now and focus on the support I DO have.  Like you, kayc, I have let them know how it made me feel over the phone.  And I have never, ever avoided someone when they were mourning.  However, I believe a real, unscripted, unfiltered face-to-face talk is necessary if the friendship is to continue.  It just feels like this hurt is piling upon more hurt just when I am at my most vulnerable.  Fairweather friends are not true friends.  I am sort of introverted and do not make friends easily, which is sort of why I feel this loss so acutely.

I guess this is why there are support groups for folks like us - we can relate to each other's pain.  My husband keeps telling me I will come out stronger for it.  My relationship with my brother has already gotten a LOT closer.  

Why do I feel so guilty about wanting to talk about myself and my feelings?  Yeah, its self-absorbed but isn't this normal?  

 

[kayc]

I totally agree with all you are saying, it sounds like you are a lot like me in personality and response.  You are handling this well, you're thinking it through, and I believe you will deal with it when it is appropriate for YOU.  You are right to focus on the supportiveness you DO find now.

Yes it is normal to focus on what you have been and are going through.  Loss is something that grabs your attention!  If it makes us self-absorbed, so be it, anyone else would respond the same.  And it's NEEDED to focus on self right now, it takes everything we can muster to get through this.

People really do not get it if they haven't been through it themselves.  Some people find it easy to forgive their fairweather friends, for myself, it changed things and never was the same again, nor could it be.  If that narrows my friend field down, so be it.  I have a high standard for friends...but then I live up to that high standard myself.