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We Got Married


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We finally did it, we got married after being together for 5 years! It is so bitter sweet, knowing we will probably never even get to have our first year wedding anniversary, let alone a 10, 25 or 50yr. The hospice we are connected to has a small chapel, they just opened their new facility about a year ago, and our chaplain that is on our hospice care team found out we were wanting to get married and offered to perform the ceremony so we called the hospice to see if they had a chapel, and asked if it would be ok to use it for our ceremony. The staff went wild, they were so happy we wanted to use the chapel to celebrate life. We said the staff and volunteers seemed to be as excited as we were, if not more so! They wanted to have a couple local papers cover it, so we said ok, but it ended up being 4 newspapers and a local news channel that covered it. They joked that we had poperattzi like Prince William and Kate Middleton. They also held a small cake and punch reception for us. One of they young ladies that worked in dietary made us a beautiful three tiered cake it tasted as good as it looked!

Since the wedding Jim has gone down hill so quickly. He has edema going on and even lasix doesn't help, and he fell twice this past week once hitting the back of his head because I couldn't get around the van quick enough to catch him. His nurse thinks he could of passed out because he fell straight back. They wanted him to go to the ipu for the weekend but he refused. He has no strength in his legs, I think part of it is the edema causing numbness and some is meds causing balance and stability issues. I just can't believe how quickly he has declined in the past two weeks, do all patients take such a rapid decline. I'm not ready to loss him, and I know it's out of my control, I just want our good days to come back and continue a little longer.We were going to try to get away for a long weekend honeymoon, but he declined so fast we didn't get to. I just want as many good memories as we can have, because once he's gone they are all I will have left.

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Dear One, I simply want to acknowledge your post and wish you every happiness, even though I cannot imagine how bittersweet those words must seem to you under the circumstances. I know that many of us have read your news, but scarcely know what to say to you. At a time like this, there simply are no words. Please know that we are holding you and your beloved very gently in our hearts

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Thank you for your kind words. I agree that people don't know what or how to say things to anyone going through this situation. On one hand they want to be happy for you and on the other just don't know what to say or are afraid to say the wrong thing. We had a beautiful wedding and we know it will never be for as long as we wanted it to be, but we have every day and it means that much more to us because we know we are on barrowed time.

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amw,

I am glad you got to get married, I think it's important to acknowledge the love you share. None of us know the day or hour we have left, it's just some get more notice than others. You're going through so much right now, you are wise to enjoy what you can and not let the bad rob you of the good.

I'm sure you've talked to his doctors about the edema and if they could control it they would, lots of water, elevating feet above the heart, laying on the left side, cut sodium, etc. Is he able to take diuretics? In my case, sitting seems to elevate edema when I have an episode.

Please stay in touch with us, let us know how it's going and how YOU are doing. You're in our thoughts...

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Kayc,

Thank you for posting and sharing our happy moment! It was a truely beautiful day and I will cherish it forever! Unfortunately Jim is having extreme weakness in his legs and can't stand or walk, so the edema is not getting better. After our stay at inpatient I understand better what is going on in his body, not that our nurse hasn't tried to explain, she just feels the way I do, that we need to know all the gory details, but Jim should just try to enjoy the days he has left and not worry about the pain and stuff to come that he has no control over and would cause him more stress and anxiety. The only thing he is worried about is suffering in the end, and I promised him I would do everything in my power to see he doesn't suffer and is comfortable and pain free. I would take all his pain and suffering on myself if I could. I just want him to enjoy everything he can until he has to be sedated at the end, which is coming soon, much sooner than I wanted... just thought we would have a little more time. We did a beautiful hand print calague at hospice with the art therapist and bearevment councelor while there last week, he placed his print on the page first, and then she asked where I wanted to place mine. It was as if someone else took my hand and placed it over his as if our fingers were interlocking and holding hands, and I said to him look honey now we will be holding hands forever! That is what she titled our prints, and we put a second set from our other hand on it then included our baby, our three year old shuizu with a couple of paw prints. There is even room that I can put a few pictures down the side, and a friend is looking through some frames she has to put our memory into for me to keep close. He finally opend up and we talked after the bearevment councelor talked with him and explaind there were just some things I needed to hear from him and that I am a strong person and could handle anything he said, even if it made me cry. He just doesn't like for me to cry, especially in front of him. But, no matter how strong we all are we still love our partners and we have to grieve over the lose of their health, ability to get out and do things with us, what we use to have, what we are losing and so on. It is just hard for them to see us go through this, plus they are going through their own stuff and coming to terms with dying and leaving us behind. I'm trying to just make his last days relaxed and as enjoyable as they can be, and take his worries and burdens away!

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Truly you are a compassionate and conscientious caregiver to your beloved, and he is blessed to have you at his side. I am so grateful to know that hospice is supporting you through this challenging experience . . .

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Marty,

Thank you for your kind words, but I am only doing what my heart is leading me to do for my husband. I truely believe I was brought into his life to be by his side through this rough road he must travel. Yes, hospice and the team we work with through them helps a great deal. But, this site has been a God send to say the very least. I am so greatful I found it and the wonderfully caring and supportive individuals that also are here, including you! Thank you for having such a place for us to be able to come and express ourselves and have a place to say what we can't always say to our loved one or people in our lives that don't understand for one reson or another.

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You are an awesome person and I know your husband must be an awesome person to have snagged you! I am so glad they had you do the hand prints (and paw prints), what a great idea! I love that.

You haven't mentioned if you did a will or not, and I know it's hard to think of right now, but it might be a good idea to have a brief discussion, print it out on line, bring in a notary and sign. You will be glad you did later on, it just clarifies legal standing. I don't recall your mentioning if either of you have kids.

I know these days are very full and poignant, you are certainly in my thoughts and prayers as you go through them. I hope that today he has less suffering and can just "be" and that you have a chance for some time alone together that is special.

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We finally got the will and other legal stuff finished yesterday, one burden off my mind. We only have a cute little shutzui three years old together, we both have children from previous marriages, but there is major betrayal issues with stuff his kids did to both him and I. I hear this is not uncommon in situations like this, but it hurt him so deeply, and because it caused him pain and heart ache it caused me heart ache. I had to step in and call agencies to protect him and it was a big mess for a while. All of our children are adults, and he has six grandchildren we can't even see now, and we use to have them all the time and even take them on vacations with us. His youngest granddaughter was the closest to me, as she was just 5 years old when we got together and she spent the most time with us. She even would tell people that I was her grandma when they would ask who I was. I have no grandchildren of my own yet, but I always concidered his as my own. So it is just us and our fuzzy baby Chloe, now.

He sleeps most of the time now, which is hard for me just because I want the conversations and to hear his voice, as I know it won't be long before it will be scilented due to him having to be sedated at the end, and then by his passing. I feel so selfish at times because I just want more, more time, one more vacation we can enjoy together, more conversations, more kisses, more snuggling. I see it fading each day, and I think that is one of the hardest parts of watching a loved one go from a vibrant active person to one that can't even stand up or take a step, he keeps telling me "my heart tells me I want to do these things, but my body just says no!" I see the bewilterment in his eyes and come over his face when there is something he can't do anymore.

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Is there a way you could record his voice to preserve it for you for later? I was brokenhearted when George's voice disappeared from my cellphone messages and my land line.

I wish families could realize the importance of putting aside differences and trying to get along, esp. at times like this, I'm sure they'll regret not having made more effort later on. I'm really sorry you're going through this, esp. when you could use their support right now, and so could he.

It has to be so frustrating for him. I am very glad he has you, it is making all the difference in the world to him.

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I am working on trying to get a hard copy of the interview the local news channel did for our wedding. That way I can make back up copies and be able to play it any time I need to hear his voice. The pr people at the hospice we got married at is working on that for me, as well as getting copies of picture the newspapers took that day. Memories I will cherish forever.

I know we need to make and preserve any memories we can, as we know all to well just how short life is, and we can't get those things back once our loved one is gone.

It is sad, I agree that his children did what they did, and are not here for the father that has always been there for them. But, as you said, they will regret it down the road, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day.

I wouldn't of ever let him go through this alone, no matter how hard it my be on me and my heart I made him a promise many years ago at a deny's resturant when we seen an elderly couple come in arm in arm, one using a walker and the other a cane helping each other to their table. We both agreed that was what we wanted, and when he was diagnosed I told him again, even thought he tried to push me away, I'm not going anywhere I'm here for the long haul!

I ment every word I said, even if it is difficult for me, it doesn't compare to what he has had to go through.

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And that, my dear, is why he married you. He knew you were special, you are his world, and he wanted to let that be known, that you joined hearts and walk arm in arm together, just like that couple in that restaurant.

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That's how it was with George and I. The last night we were together, he wasn't feeling well, so we sat up in the loveseat-recliner together to sleep. We made the most of all of our time together, and I would give all that I have just to have him back for five minutes.

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  • 5 months later...

I just lost my husband sept.24th 2012..He ws diagnosed with cancer august 6th 2012..It came to an absolute shock to us..We thought he had a rotator cuff problem..Here he had lung cancer that metestasized(spelling) in his shoulder..By the time they found it it was stage 4..He lived 7 weeks to the day..In that 7 weeks we renewed our vows, celebrated our 34th anniversary and his 60th birthday..He got a chance to talk to each one of our 10 kids one on one..But gee I wish I would of read this forum sooner..I love the hand print idea and I would of recorded his voice over and over..Just was in denial of everything I think..But from the minute he was told he had cancer he went downhill..Out of the 7 weeks he was in the hospital all but about 10 days..I miss him so much..We spent alot of time in the hospital together..He didn't want to be left alone..So I would be with him from morning to night, than one of our kids would spend the night with him..The hospital he was in is just fantastic.Couldn't of asked for better care and although he was in a semi-private room they blocked the other bed in the room so it was available for our family to use..I'm still in so much shock..I'll be okay for awhile and than it hits me like a ton of bricks he isn't coming home anymore..He was a long distance truck driver so I wasn't use to him being home everyday more like once a month, but I tell myself well this is hte weekend he would probably be home..Tonight I cleaned out our filing cabinet, even that was emotional..One of our sons and daughters had birthdays this week and I couldn't even give them a card because I didn't want to sign it from just me..Little things like that really bother me..They say it gets easier..WEll everyone take care and it is nice to know there is a place like this just to go and vent..Take care all..

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Oh Cindy, I feel your pain. I'm glad you have your kids and that they were able to be there in your husband's last days. It is the things like signing the birthday card by yourself that are so hard to adjust to, a million little deaths all of their own. We're here to walk the journey with you, and I'm glad you found us too.

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Oh Cindy.... I am so very sorry. There's no quick or easy way or path but know that with time it will get easier. Do what you can and don't do what you can't. Everyone grieves differently and the cycle of grief is different for everyone. Wishing you some comfort and so very sorry for your loss.

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There is a post about that (holidays) in "loss of spouse" section, by Missing Him. You might want to read the responses there.

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Thank you very much hockeymomm..Yes I'm learning alot about this grieving..Sometimes I'm doing pretty good and other times not so much..So I take one minute at a time..Because the next minute could be absolutely different..

Without question, honey. There are times I'm sure it's like getting hit by a ton of bricks and other times when you feel some semblence of normalcy. Take the good moments for what they are and the bad as well and know that down the road it will get a little less painful. Sending you hugs!!

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Thank you again Hockeymom..Today was a pretty good day..I still can't really talk about my husband without crying..I had a dream last night that my husband and I was seperated, and we decided to get back together again and I was so happy!!!Than I woke up and realized it was just a dream..I hate that..I kept asking God to let me dream about him, now sometimes it is upsetting, but I still want to see him in my dreams..Hope you are doing good..Have a good night..

Cindy

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Hi Cindy. Hope today is one of the good days. Funny thing about dreams - can be a double edged sword. At times the realness of the dreams makes for hope until the reality of waking up sets in. Maybe take them as a sign that your husband is letting you know he misses you and he loves you and he looks forward to when you are 'back together'. Sending hugs!!

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Hockeymom.. that sure is a nice thought..I think I'm doing a little better..I have been going through vhs tapes and recording them on dvd for the kids..It wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be watching them..But after doing that for a few hours the other night..I was looking at some other tapes and when I turned it on it was our son's band and I turned it on right where our son was singing "statue of a fool" That was a song I always loved hearing my husband sing when he was in a band because he sang it so BEAUTIFUL..And I absolutely lost it..I started beating my pillow and yelled at God and cried like a baby..I think it isn't happening as often as it was..I get watching the videos and lose all track of time..I laugh, I cry and I feel sad through them all..SO how have you been doing? I hope all is well with you..Thank you for your support, it really means alot to me..Have a good night..

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All good here - I try to roll with the punches and do the best I can every day. It's a process. You find the moments like you did where the reality of the situation punches you in the guts, you get out the anger and frustration and then you pick yourself back up by the bootstraps and pray for a good day tomorrow. :)

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