Shocking News

[amw]

My husband had two falls week before last, they finally convinced him to come to the inpatient unit to work on adjusting some of his meds, as they needed to increase his steroids due to the tumor growth and he has started retaining fluid in his abdomin and feet, mostly. This past Tuesday afternoon he was admitted. When the doctor was talking to me about his condition I asked him to be honest with me about how much time they felt he had left. I was expecting to hear him say 2 to 3 months from all the research I have done on his cancer form, but the doctor told me it would more than likely be within 2 weeks, and if the med changes helped the most we would have is 6 weeks, but he feels from his knowledge it will be closer to the 2 week mark. This has put me in panic mode, as we are still in the process of getting all final papers in place and he just seems to want to procrastinate, or is having a rough day and we can't get out to take care of it. I feel so much frustration and anxiety right now, and he also gave me details that Jim will have to be sedated at the end and may be this way for days, which will end all our communication. Never to hear him say he loves me, or anything else he might want to say. They also told me he could bleed out due to where his tumors are located they seem to be very concerned about this happening. I don't know if I am right or wrong, but I have asked them not to give him the details about time and bleeding out, because I want him not to stress out about anything and be able to just be happy each day he has left. We have talked about the sedation when it is time that they need to do that, he is okay with it, and understands he will have to pass at the inpatient unit instead of at home as he had wished, but said it that is the way he won't suffer then he will go along with it. I worry about all the financial stuff that will hit once he passes, we don't even have the money to cremate him and I don't want to tell him and get him upset, but I will have to live in our van because I won't have enough money to keep our apartment, let alone pay for food and utilities. I can't tell him how scared I am about all this stuff because he is even arguing with me paying the rent this month, and I'm not sure why unless he knows the end is close and wants to have at least that much for his cremation.

[kayc]

You must be feeling panicky with all of this looming before you. Take a deep breath, it will all sort itself out. The most pressing thing seems to be getting his will done and if you need on a bank account with him jointly or survivorship of vehicles, etc. I'm afraid you'll have to push for it because he won't feel up to it. If you have any questions about how he wants things handled afterwards, please ask him now (does he want a service, etc.).

If you are renting, they have to give a 30 days notice to evict you in most cases, check the laws in your state. I've lived in my car temporarily before, at least we're coming into good weather now...do you have parents or siblings you could stay with temporarily until you're on your feet?

About cremation, there are places that advertise free cremation if you donate the body to science, when they're done, they give you the ashes, it's a consideration if you have no money. Also, if you do decide to pay for cremation, make sure you call around because they do not always charge the same and sometimes there's coupons in the newspaper, just a thought.

Try to only let yourself think of these things between certain hours and the rest of the time, spend enjoying your time with him, the worry won't change the outcome but the time spent sitting with him will give you memories to carry you later.

(((hugs)))

[west]

so difficult to have to worry about all that is happening to you, my prays are with you and your husband.

You can go on line and print out a will and have him sign it.

[kayc]

Yes, I used Legacy Writer, I think it was only about $20, and I'm sure someone at the doctor or hospital would be able to notarize it for you.

[mfh]

Dear amw,

I am just so sorry for all that you are going through in the midst of losing your beloved husband. There are no words but I do just want you to know that I am reaching out to you at this time. It is difficult to enough to walk through this loss without having to worry about so many other difficult things. I know you are trying to just deal with the absolute essentials so you can be with your husband and even those are heavy. Know you are cared about. Peace to your heart in the midst of the anxiety and loss, Mary mfh

[amw]

KayC,

Thank you for your support and advice. Hospice has hooked us up with an attorney and he is coming out today to have the legal stuff done, one less worry off my mine when it is finished. I have to rely heavily on my faith right now for the rest, that it will pull me throught. But, I to know I have this place to come and all here understand, even if it is hard to write back or know what to say at times! Thank you again!

[amw]

West,

Thank you for your prayers, they do help! Thank you for suggestions, too!

[amw]

Mary,

You have commented on some of my other posts, I so appriciate your support and understanding!I know from reading some of your post that you truely know where I'm coming from, and I keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and thank you for caring.

[mfh]

I do get the picture. Losing Bill took my breath away and brought me to my knees. I still find breathless days and hours or even weeks...and though I am doing much better...which I never thought I could or would, believe me....I live with tears just behind my eyes and emptiness within. I do have hope now, which I never thought I would say, that my life will be ok someday but I will miss Bill forever...that is just a given. I lost part of me when he died....an amputation. I know you understand all that and will understand it even more later on. Right now, the most important thing is to be with your husband...all else can be dealt with and I am relieved Hospice got you an attorney to take the load off. Hospice is off the charts great. I do not know what I would have done without them. I wish you peace. Take an hour at a time and remember to breath...we tend to hold our breath when stressed and then the whole body is affected.

Mary

[amw]

Mary,

It's as if you speak the very words I am thinking and feeling. I know right now my heart is just breaking, but once he is gone he will have taken the very biggest piece with him. I try to just think of today, but we as caregivers are the ones carrying all the baggage of financial, medical and what we have to do to move on each day of the present and continue to have to think about the future. I don't feel like I even want to move ahead without him, and am just trying to give him the best and happiest days he can have left. He sleeps most of the time and I hate to bother him as I know how tired he is from the cancer, yet I can't help thinking in my head, please wake up and just talk to me, joke around with me the way you use to, snuggle with me, just hold me so tight never letting go. I worry about finances and how to even pay for his cremation as we live pay check to pay check so to speak. I have only been able to save a few hundred and when talked to the cremetory they said they had to have it in full. So, I am trying to sort throught stuff and have my son do a yard sale to help get the rest, I just have to have faith that it will all work out in the end. There is just so many things to have to deal with, when all I want to do is sit by him and hold his hand. Thank you for your continued support Mary! I'm so glad that you have gotten some hope back, yet life will never be the same. I pray that each day is giving you more hope and eases the pain of your loss of Bill, and that you can see little things that bring you enjoyment and some happiness each day! We both just have to remember to breath, and if need be take it as each minute comes!

[mfh]

Dear amw,

One of the most difficult things about this part of your journey is that you lose him before you lose him. I remember the light in Bill's eyes going out even in the middle of a sentence some days and he was gone...I never knew in the last few months if he would return and if he did, would he know me. As much as you want him to talk to you and interact, I believe...he knows you are there even if it appears he does not know and you are comforting him. I know it is one sided now and that hurts deeply...but he is still there breathing..he is still there...so let that bring you as much peace as it can bring to you.

I am leaving tomorrow on a short trip and though I have traveled alone countless times in my life and never given it a second thought and traveled with Bill many times also, of course...I find my anxiety skyrocketing and tears flowing. It took a while to acknowledge what was going on...but I know it is one more step on my new path coupled with leaving my dog and our home. You are on a new path now...and the most important thing you can do is listen to your heart and that voice within to guide you as to what you need to attend to and do. My heart goes out to you. When Bill was dying, I sat up with him 24/7 the last few days/nights and when I knew he was about to take his last breath, I asked the nurse friend who was present and my brother to leave the room. I then crawled into bed with him and put my hand on his heart and his head on my shoulder and wrapped myself around him...so he was surrounded by me and I by him as he crossed the threshold. We just laid there together for a while and then for a couple hours after he died. I KNOW that gave him the courage or whatever he needed to let go. Our dog was laying on our legs. I will also be so glad that I just listened to the voice that led me to do that. It was our very last moment together.

My heart goes out to you. There are lots of folks on this site who understand. Peace, Mary

[amw]

Dear amw,

One of the most difficult things about this part of your journey is that you lose him before you lose him. I remember the light in Bill's eyes going out even in the middle of a sentence some days and he was gone...I never knew in the last few months if he would return and if he did, would he know me. As much as you want him to talk to you and interact, I believe...he knows you are there even if it appears he does not know and you are comforting him. I know it is one sided now and that hurts deeply...but he is still there breathing..he is still there...so let that bring you as much peace as it can bring to you.

I am leaving tomorrow on a short trip and though I have traveled alone countless times in my life and never given it a second thought and traveled with Bill many times also, of course...I find my anxiety skyrocketing and tears flowing. It took a while to acknowledge what was going on...but I know it is one more step on my new path coupled with leaving my dog and our home. You are on a new path now...and the most important thing you can do is listen to your heart and that voice within to guide you as to what you need to attend to and do. My heart goes out to you. When Bill was dying, I sat up with him 24/7 the last few days/nights and when I knew he was about to take his last breath, I asked the nurse friend who was present and my brother to leave the room. I then crawled into bed with him and put my hand on his heart and his head on my shoulder and wrapped myself around him...so he was surrounded by me and I by him as he crossed the threshold. We just laid there together for a while and then for a couple hours after he died. I KNOW that gave him the courage or whatever he needed to let go. Our dog was laying on our legs. I will also be so glad that I just listened to the voice that led me to do that. It was our very last moment together.

My heart goes out to you. There are lots of folks on this site who understand. Peace, Mary

Mary,

I feel the same way, I'm with him 24/7 and many nights just sit next to him and hold his hand and listen to him breath. He told me today leaning his head on my shoulder, "I'm just so tired." I told him I knew that and I just wanted him to rest and not worry about anything. I know that was his atempt to be close, and yet also express he knows the end is near. I worry I might fall asleep and he will slip away and I won't know it. I get what you are saying about them being here, yet not being here, too. That's mostly where we are starting since late last evening, majority of the time he sleeps since a few hours after getting all final paper work done. It's as if he was hanging one to do that and now he knows all is taken care of, and he can rest peacefully.

I hope your short trip will be enjoyable for you, I know it can't be easy without Bill, and leaving your dog and home that both have so much meaning to you and the connection to Bill. We have to learn to take baby steps and you are such an inspiration to me! Please try to make the best of your trip and remember Bill is there with you, as you will always carry him in your heart, it's just not the same as having them next to us, I know. Be safe, talk to you soon I hope.

amw

[mfh]

I remember being so worried about that..that I would fall asleep and wake up and he would be gone. Sometimes I believe that people choose to die when those they love are asleep or just stepped out of the room. Maybe it is easier for them, maybe they are trying to make it easier for you. Somehow in the middle of all this, know that however this happens, you are doing your best and that is all you can do. I do so know your feelings as you sit there holding his hand. I actually, the day before Bill died, took my phone out and took a picture of our hands together for the last time. I am glad I did it. I also cut a tiny bit of his hair and have it....I did not know if I was being disrespectful but I know he would not have cared. I just needed to hold on to something of him...and I keep that hair in a special box with his rings and when I open that box I weep but it feels good to have it.

You are doing fine. I will check in from time to time. I will not have a hook up in Colorado except on my friend's computer...I will do the best I can with checking in. Peace to your heart. I so know what you are going through...Mary

[mfh]

Thinking of you this morning as I prepare to leave. The friend I am staying with has no wireless but does have internet. I have my laptop and other access toys with me and will stay in touch as best I can. Thinking of you. Mary mfh

[amw]

Mary,

I understand about the hair, I am doing the same, I have a plastic heart that is clear that opens up to place things in just a little larger than a locket. This is where I will put a small picture and his hair. We sound so similar in many ways, it's nice to know there is someone who truely gets you! Thanks for you e-mail, will try and send on this weekend. Have a great time in Colorado, I have never been there, but have some cousins there, maybe I will get there one day, too!

amw

[mfh]

I do get what you are going through, though no journey is the same....I only sent the email in case it feels comforting to "talk" (write) or whatever. I have no expectations....Your priorities, as you know, are right where you are-just do what YOU need. Colorado is lovely. We lived there for 4 years...in the mountains at 9,000 feet...on the back range. I will not visit that area on this trip...way too hard. Peace to your heart, Mary

[kayc]

We are here for you. I am so glad you got the will done and it's behind you, am also glad you have your little dog there too. The hair clipping was a great idea, wish I'd thought of that when I lost George, but I was in shock, it wasn't expected. It's funny, even now, after nearly seven years, I miss him like it was yesterday, he just impacted my life so much. They are truly irreplaceable.

[amw]

KayC,

You couldn't speak truer words, they are irreplaceable. I have been sitting here today writing the thoughts that are flooding my mind as I watch him sleep. He is still here for now, yet so much of him is already gone. I feel so alone at times, try to keep busy with laundry and dishes and such. But there is only so much of it to be done, and I help him when he is awake, which is less and less. I look at him and realize soon I will never see him again, I try to etch every memory of his face, his eyes, his smile and even his voice so that I will never forget.

I don't think it matters if it happens quickly or slowly we can never be prepared for lossing our partners and mates. And we never got the chance to have enough time with the ones we hold so close to our hearts, no matter how long we have been with them. Having a piece of them, such as a locket of hair can help, but can never replace them. I'm sorry things happened so quickly for you, yet don't wish the journey I'm on right now to anyone. Having them here, yet not here so to say is difficult. I could only imagine having George go quickly was just as hard. I'm so sorry.

[kayc]

My MIL was my best friend, and she got cancer and after it reached her bones, they broke and she was bedridden the last nearly three years of her life. Her husband stayed with her at night but he was unable to cope, so I packed up my babies and went to her place during the daytime. I was her link to the outside world. My world became about caretaking. I don't know how I got through it except I do so one day at a time. I stayed in the present. There was no time for support groups and such, I had my hands full. I remember how hard it was when relatives would come visit her for a few days, which meant I now had company to prepare for, more cooking, more dishes, etc. It was a tough time and in the last month we had to limit visitors to the pastor and family only, it was just too hard on her.

When my father died, it was in the hospital, I knew for the last month he wasn't going to make it and I had the chance to say my goodbyes to him. It was hard as I was pregnant and it meant he wouldn't get to see his grandchildren. But at least I had the warning and a husband by my side as I went through it.

When George died, it came out of nowhere, we were living our lives as everyone does, thinking you have years left together and all of a sudden boom, your life is turned upsidedown and life as you knew it no longer exists. I wish I could have had that "last talk" with him. I know that time is never enough, but still...

I can honestly say, whether by lingering illness or sudden death, both are hard...just different. There is no comparison. And in the end, it is the finality that is the hardest. I am glad I believe in afterlife, for without that, I don't know how I could have handled it. Some do not believe they'll see each other again, honestly, I don't think I could handle that, I don't know how they cope. Knowing I'll be able to hug George again someday is what keeps me going. I've been called weak for "having to have a crutch" (believing). Whatever. We all believe as we do and cope how we can. I feel no judgment for someone for how they survive this, it's hard at best and more power to us all!

[amw]

KayC,

You are so right with everything you said, I remember having my two small children to care for while taking care of my mom for 2 years while she went through cancer and tratments and such. It was a very difficult time and my father couldn't handle it. But, when you are losing your life partner, the one you share your entire world weather quick or over the longer illness it is that much more devistating. I'm so sorry you lost George so quickly, and wish I could give you and he more time together and that one last talk. I know how important it was for me to hear certain things from Jim, and he tried to tell me last week while he was in the hospice unit. He is to the point he only mumbles now and it is hard to make sense of what he is trying to get out, I mostly get blank stares and head nods. I believe that we will see them again, too! Jim told me he will watch over me and be my guardian angel, which gave me some comfort to know he still wants to try and protect me.

[mfh]

Dear amw,

I finally got on line and wanted to let you know I am still here for you. I think of you sitting there with your love and just want you to know I am thinking of you. I will have internet access a couple times a day until I get home and will check in. I read these posts on my phone but replying is not as easy so I waited to get on my laptop. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

amw,

You are so right, you can't compare the loss of anyone to that of your spouse, although everyone's relationships are different. Some are super close to their moms, others not, some have wonderful marriages, some need out of theirs. My MIL was my best friend, we talked on the phone several times a day, she was the mom I always wanted (I have a horrid mother), and they used to come up to our house for dinner three times/week and play cards afterwards. She was a wonderful grandma to our kids, even though she was bedridden, she always thought of her grandchildren. I miss her still and it's been 24 1/2 years. But if you lose someone other than your spouse, you still have your spouse by your side to go through it with you, and your everyday schedule isn't altered as much as with a spouse. A spouse impacts you on every level, they're your greatest admirer and best friend, they are the one you wake up to and go to sleep with, they share all of your holidays and weekends and special events, they're the one you talk to, the one that takes care of you when you're sick, the one who can finish your sentences, the one whose hand you hold. They do half the chores and bring in half the income. It's the combination of both your strengths and weaknesses that forms a whole and complete unit. When I lost George, I was reeling... I remember thinking I couldn't survive the loss of him, yet I am still here. I was right in that I couldn't survive it in how my life was, everything would change for me, and I had to adjust to a new norm, nothing was ever the same again, but I have learned new strengths along the way and am a different person because of it.

[mfh]

Just checking in amw....hoping you are doing as ok as you can given the situation. Peace, Mary