A Crack In The Ceiling

[mfh]

I am still in Denver, ready to leave. I am done here but the flight is Tuesday...and today...desperately needING time alone I took several hours this morning and again this afternoon (and again tomorrow)...to write, think, journal, walk...something was stirring within me...so early this morning I wrote the following...a commitment to me....to continue this journey that i began two years ago.

the journey

trauma, loss, grief, confusion have left me so very lost...

who am i? pieces of you? bits ofeveryone? no one?

scattered, i am like popcorn flying all over

when the lid is removed toosoon.

where am i? i have looked everywhere since you died...

in memories, in others, inmeaningless chatter,

in photos and books, tapesand journaling...

but i cannot find myself.

it has taken all this time just tobelieve

that i am still here, but lost....so very lost

and confused...lonely and sad...and unidentified

I know that only in solitude (never in empty busy-ness,

or any kind of busy-ness) will i find myself.

and though i have lookedhard,

I now need to go deeper into this darkness (my cave)

digging gently into the floorand walls

i will plumb the depths, until i getto my own soul.

like an animal taking bits offood back to its cave to digest insafety

i bring the pieces of my life to my cave, my darkness,

to digest, integrate,discover...

and hopefully, i will identify my essenceonce again

and yes, my love, you willalways be a part of me,

an essential part of my identity...of my very soul.

alone for months...I feel I have been living

on this earth and also inthat other world.

living in two places belonging to neither.

what do i want? i do not know

first i must find out who iam.

where i belong? or if i belong?

where do i begin? what do i need?

i cannot do this completelyalone

(how i need those who understand and support)

but solitude is critical.

these days away have opened acrack

in the ceiling of my cave...mydarkness.

i did not expect light toshow up.

it has taken me bysurprise...a sliver of it flows

showing me just the nextstep....

"go home, go inside" thevoice says,

listen to your heart...lightenyour schedule...

find yourself...it is time...

eliminate that which you arenot.

give yourself hours, space, more time alone

balance life so it leanstowards solitude

take a chapter just for you. it is time.

your world, your soul, yourbeing

has been turned inside out, upside down, torn, shredded.

your being shaken to thecore.

he is gone, Mary, taking partof you with him

you started the journey and you have done it well

but you are far from finisihed...really you are justbeginning.

there are many twists andturns ahead...layers...depths to plumb...

and at the end?? (don't asknow) just begin,

the light, the voice within, willshow you the way.

the journey begins...again

4 22 12

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

Mary,

This is one of the most affecting pieces I have read...it got to me when you wrote "empty busy-ness" and "meaningless chatter" because I feel like since George died I am "passing time", like nothing really has meaning anymore. I don't get up and feel I have something to look forward to anymore. So many used to come here and no longer do...have they found the key? Have they been able to "move on"? Or have they just given up and they're resigned to what is?

I do know what you are talking about, I have read the books of the great mystics, I understand solitude and centering. It is not merely spending time holed up at home, it is not in watching t.v., but rather in connecting within our inner selves...emptying before we can be filled, losing all of the "stuff" that clamors for our attention in order that we might find ourselves again, our souls cry out to be still...

[mfh]

Getting some distance from my life helped me to get some perspective and know I am on a path and what changes I need to make...all of them changes I have been thinking about but somehow getting the courage to make them has been challenging. It most likely -well, it DOES- include letting go of my publication. I am bored with it and I have better uses of my energy, talents and time down the road. So I return to do some purging (not including Bill's things yet) but my publication is on the chopping block. I just need to go inside now...I mean really inside...and look around to see whatever I will see. It means making more time...uninterrupted time...for that. As hard as I worked...I KNOW it is time for ME...time out. My publication is a distraction and routine and letting it go means facing a lot of fear...it means shedding a persona in my town and surrounding towns...sort of going naked so to speak...making room for what is next...letting go of the pittance of money I make on it but more important the ego boost it provides...the assurance that I am a part of something....so that and more...to be identified. I don't know where people go...they go on...some are done...some no longer need this supportive place. i do not know if i do or not...i shall see. i do know that the answers are ALL inside of you and me...waiting for you to discover them...to put meaning into your moments....and you shall. Keep in mind that you support a lot of folks on this site...and that IS meaning. Peace to your heart, Mary

[MartyT]

Keep in mind that you support a lot of folks on this site...and that IS meaning.

Supporting others on this site with your openness, honesty and the wisdom of your experiences is priceless, and both of you are beyond measure in that regard. I hope you never, ever underestimate the immeasurable value of that. ♥

[mfh]

Thank you, Marty. Part of the reason I post my "pondering" is that it might help someone else. I am off to..guess where....The Tattered Cover...the best book store in the USA...coffee...a billion books...good chairs...a credit card and time. Bill and I spent a lot of time in LODO's Tattered Cover....

Of course, you know that the value of your presence here is also beyond measure...way beyond measure.

Peace,

Mary

[mfh]

Today, before I left for some alone time... I set up my friend's computer so she could watch the eagles' nest (a pair) on live cam. She is amazing on the computer. They return every year and now their 3 babies are growing. I said to my 94 year old friend, "one of those babies is pretty close to the edge...a bit scary." She looks at me and replies, "Just like you, Mary, you are near the edge too, but you can fly." This woman is a wise crone who I have known since she was 56....we missed her husband's funeral 4 years ago because Bill was sick. Her husband married us...he was a judge. Her kids moved her here as three are in Denver. Listening to some of these elderly people (except for Helen) has been a reminder of how I do NOT want to be as I age. I sat and listened to complaints, etc. This is an elegant setting but the heart of it is no different than any assisted living...and I pray I can stay in my home and go out like Bill did....feet first as my mom used to say.

If you wish to watch these eagles: http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles Scroll a tiny bit to the black screen and wait for the cam to come in. You can click through the commercial very soon after you get there, enlarge the screen in the lower right corner to monitor size, listen to the birds and breeze (or rain or whatever). It is usually on 24/7. Both parents are there and come and go with food. Usually only one parent is there at a time. I can not tell them apart. The nest is 5.5 feet in diameter and 80 feet above the ground. It is about two hours from our house. I have watched them since before the eggs were laid...

Walking into the Tattered Cover, book store this morning ...a place where Bill and I spent hours....took my breath away and tears flowed down my face....I literally could hardly breathe. The last time we were here...Bill was with me....we usually ended the day at dinner and symphony. I cry just typing this. But I also rejoiced in the memories..so grateful for him. Bittersweet life is.

Mary