Guilt

[mik]

I feel bad even posting with so many dealing with much more serious issues than mine, but I could really use some advice. I am going to meet somone for the first time since Dragon has passed away. I actully am feeling a twinge of excitement, coupled with anxiety, guilt and fear. I have already suffered from two migrains this week beacuse of it. I feel guilty even though Dragon had told me to continue to live life without him. I worry that I will really like this man and am afraid of that. I don't want to betray his memory. The other individual is aware that I lost my partner less than 5 months ago. That too makes me feel guilty...how long is the right time before actually going out? What if I develop feeling for this other individual? Part of me wants to stay isolated away from others that might become important to me for fear of losing them in the same way. I don't know what to do to cope with these feelings that are overwhelming me right now. I don't want to lose the memory of Dragon and the life we had even if it wasent perfect.

[kayc]

Don't feel guilty for posting what's on your mind, just because other people have worse situations doesn't lessen what you are going through in the least.

I caution you, be very careful. Guard your heart, it takes time to heal enough to the point where you are ready to embrace life and in particular, someone else. You are, in essence, still very vulnerable. I may come across suspicious and paranoid but there is good reason for that.

My story is bared for all the world to see in "Loss of Love Relationship" but it is a lengthy story so I'll try to condense it here. When George passed away, a so called friend of his (how great of friends they were I can't ask him because he's dead) called and availed himself to me in my need. He was there to listen to me, to talk with me, and feigned caring about me. 1 1/2 years later we married. Little did I realize, but he was a con, and a very good one. He went into business, using my credit, and then got into drugs. He'd set his life up to live a dual life, in a different city from me...I didn't know it would turn out like that, he'd pretty much told me what he wanted me to hear and then did otherwise. I'm not a stupid person, but this man was very very good at what he did, and he manipulated and used me, and discarded me without the blink of an eye. I discovered him living with another woman and I gave him another chance, well he did it again, and this time he quit his job, drew thousands of dollars out of the bank that we didn't have (I didn't even know you could do that, but apparently you can) and went into hiding with this woman in our new motor home...a motor home I got stuck paying for and paying the insurance for, and I never even got to use it. I also got stuck paying for his cell phone, his business expenses, couldn't even claim them on my taxes because he'd put the business in his name instead of mine like he'd said, but the credit was in my name. In all, he cost me over $50,000 and with interest, you can double that amount.

I know, it sounds like a t.v. movie, but believe me, it didn't develop that way. When I got together with him, he was ambitious, charming, always paid his bills on time, visited me every weekend without fail, we talked on the phone every day, morning and evening, and he was there for me. He'd fix my barbeque or lawnmower and help me split wood. We had a great time together, riding around on his Harley and visiting places, doing things together. We got along together great. He led me to believe we'd have a future together. It was 2 1/2 years into the relationship that it all fell apart, and you can't believe how fast it turned into a nightmarish hell that will haunt me the rest of my life. I know, everyone thinks this couldn't happen to them, but it does. I've met other widows it happened to too, details, names and places are different, but pretty much similar scenario. Guy woos girl, guy is there for girl, girl falls for guy, THEN it all changes. Some people prey upon widows. Some of us are broke widows, not rich ones. In my case, I didn't have the $50,000, my house was against it, and then I lost my job and the stress really started.

I am not saying this guy is like that. The trouble is, when you are grieving, your mind isn't always working right enough to tell who is who or what is what. And you're so vulnerable. I am saying go careful. Be cautious. Determine to have fun with life but do NOT get over involved with anyone at this point, seriously, guard your heart. Go SLOW! Slower would be better yet! Do you get my drift? You probably won't listen to me, I probably wouldn't have listened to anyone six years ago either, but I feel I have to say it anyway, and I hope you won't take offense because I seriously only have your best interests at heart.

You asked when people are ready to date. I don't imagine there is a prescribed time that suits everyone. Some do at two months and manage to luck out. Some, like myself do NOT luck out. Some aren't ready years later. More important than the time is where you are in your journey, are YOU ready? Have you gotten through the death, the grief, are you READY to settle down, commit to someone? If you can do lighthearted dating and keep from falling in love or getting serious, great, but most of us don't work like that. Just soul search real deep. Ask your close friends and family what THEY think about it, tell them you want their honesty, and listen to them. They have your best interests at heart and they know you. And if you can proceed and feel no qualms and it all works out great, more power to you, I wish you the best possible outcome.

[mik]

I have not been on much but want to thank you for your wise advice. I know in my heart it is too soon to be involved with another. I am sorry for what happened to you and will learn from your mistakes. Thanks again for your words of wisdom.

Kim

[Brokency]

I know this is a trying thing for you!! My husband died in a car wreck after 5 years of marriage when I was only 23 years old. It was quite a struggle, wondering what the 'right' way to do things was. I knew I was handling things badly when I went to a bar the day after his funeral so I could bellow "amazing grace" on the karaoke to all the local drunks. Ha!! And just to be frank and honest, I jumped from one relationship to another simply b/c it was so gut-wrenching to be alone, b/c my grief consumed me when I was alone. He was buried less than a month the first time I went on a date, and I'm sure that probably appalls most people, but it wasn't b/c I was over my grief or b/c I didn't love my husband, it was in fact b/c I loved him so much, and it left such a hole in my heart that I was desperate to fill it through whatever companionship I could attain. None of those relationships really went anywhere, as I had nothing to give to a new relationship, but I was very young and very lost for a long time.

My point in all that is that each individual's process is unique and you can't hold yourself to a timeline for anything. If you want to go out with this guy, if it brings you a bit of joy and excitement, then go for it, b/c your Dragon would have wanted that for you. Maybe you like the guy, maybe you don't---maybe he helps you through your healing process---and maybe you never go out again. Either way, don't be afraid of it, and don't feel as if you are betraying him b/c regardless of the outcome, this is part of your grief cycle, and doing this will help you break down some of your fears. I look back on my actions after my husband's death, and in a way I wish I had done things differently, but then on the otherside I accept that it was part of my grieving process, and those guys I dated helped me work through my grief by giving much needed companionship. Was it wrong or would my husband have frowned upon it? I don't know b/c we never expected him to die suddenly at 23 years old so we never even discussed it, but I do know he'd have supported whatever I needed to do to come back to life for our children. Hope this might help.

[widower]

Sure be cautious and as aware as you can be of your vulnerability etc etc, but don't be SO cautious ("freaked out") or guilty that you refuse to give the guy or yourself a chance to enjoy each other's company or possibly even have any kind of relationship, whether it's "easy going" or not. I do agree on going slow for sure (that's good advice any time), just saying it's possible to go too far the other way and that could be just as bad of a mistake. Loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be and you deserve to LIVE, to laugh, to have some fun. Good luck!