Free Fall

[Miss Ngu]

I feel frantic, and there is no where to run. My husband and I put a bid on a house today. Of course, I called my dad to tell him. He only wants to hear the good news, it seems, not my fears (he kind of sounds agitated that I even have any). There is no one to tell my fears to now that my mother has gone. The house we currently own is so affordable. The house we bid on today will cost almost double (monthly) from what we currently pay. Another consideration -- how will the neighbors there be? Can I handle the packing, cleaning and moving -- and then -- selling our current house as well? The move will get us closer to where my husband works, and into better weather. I should be happy and excited, but right now, all I feel is scared.

No mom to talk to. No friends to call, and certainly no one who will help me like my mother could.

I am taking deep breaths, and am trying to keep the panic manageable. What is "meant to be", will work out easily -- and be ok. Right??

Oh dear -- how am I going to make it through the rest of my life without my mom here??

[emptyinside]

**hugs*** Know how you feel. Are you able to talk to your husband about your anxieties?

[niamh]

so sorry Miss Ngu,

like Em I can totally related to not having that one person to run to with your fears. My Dad was my go to person and no matter how big the fear, even if he couldn't fix everything immediately or even at all, just the words he would use and having him to talk to would be enough to calm me down and stop worrying. I don't have that now, my Mom gets just as scared as I do so sometimes I don't say anything to her as I don't want to worry her.

Some close friends are good to listen but they can't really calm me or comfort me, I guess I just doubt everyone else who says "it'll be ok", it's only my Dad I would truly believe that from.

Now when things get me very anxious I ask my Dad (actually shout and scream sometimes at him) to help me and I try not to think ahead and just get through minutes at a time. I will often ask myself if the thing I'm fearing is something I have to deal with right now this every second (and it's not because it's always something in the future, whether days, weeks, months etc) so I just try to forget it. Sometimes it works, other times it doesnt so I have a good old cry, I have my "poor me" moments and do the best I can.

I still don't know how to get through an entire lifetime without my Dad and it truly scares me thinking of it so back to just getting through today is enough.

No words of advice or comfort hun as I know only your Mom could give you the peace of mind that you need but just know you're not alone with the fears,

wishing you much peace and ((hugs))

Niamh

[MartyT]

Excellent suggestion, Niamh: just getting through today is enough ~ one day (one hour, one minute) at a time . . .

Miss Ngu, you may find this article to be of help: Coping with Anxiety in Grief ♥

[Miss Ngu]

Hi - and thank you emptyinside, niamh, and Marty for your posts and support. I really appreciate your responses.

To emptyinside - Regarding talking to my husband, yes...I can talk to him about my fears and anxieties, but he is not impartial. So, it isn't as easy. He is a good guy, and we always have been able to communicate. Still, it's hard to explain, but I know you know, that my mom just had the magic words -- or something -- that no one else has. Very special -- and very missed. Thank you for responding to my post -- and so rapidly! Hearing from you made me feel better.

To niamh - Your words are always so sweet and comforting to me, and what you write about your Dad sounds so similar to the relationship I had with my mom. I agree, taking it a day (or minute) at a time helps, instead of worrying further into the future. It's all conjecture anyway, and a waste of time thinking about all the "what ifs", and - none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, anyway. It's just that buying a house could be a joy or a nightmare that can last for a while, and I SO don't want to "step in it" - if you know what I mean. My mom was so good at making decisions, and helping me to figure things out - and feel better while going through it. When I calm down, I think about what my mom might say to me. Sometimes, I think I know, and other times, I don't, and then I am sadder. At least you know how I am feeling. It means a lot.

Oh Marty -- the cats...the husband...the dad...the house...the hormones...the grief... -- stress and change all around. I don't want to misuse this website, and am confused as to what falls under "grief" at this point, but the understanding and comfort I get from writing on this site helps me so much. Thank you for the article. Yes...I am working on breathing through the rough patches, and keeping my thoughts on the positive side as much as I can (not as easy right now). I am also still exercizing, although I'm not losing much weight (which is frustrating), but moving my body helps me to release some of the emotional pain.

I feel like I am tired and depleted -- yet -- others' in my life still want so much from me. My mom and I were so close, and loved each other so much. She helped "fill my heart back up", so I could go back into the world strong again. I knew, no matter what, I couldn't fall far, because she was there. Now it's life without a net -- and I'm supposed to no only adjust, but enjoy each moment as it comes. Oh well...I'll keep working on it -- one minute at a time.

My heartfelt gratitude to you all.

[Aquarius7]

Hi Miss Ngu,

I am so sorry for your loss. One step at a time indeed! Day by day.

In addition to grieving and dealing with the loss of a love one, dealing with change can be a huge complicating factor. Myself, I do not think making huge changes while in mourning is a good thing. Bad decisions can be made and snap decisions are not a good thing in my opinion. Sometimes, however we are forced into things we don't want to do, as was my case and I am still very, very bitter and angry about it. After not quite 2 years, I am still in shock of it all. Not just the loss of my Mom and becoming an adult orphan, but also the change that was forced on me (not my own choice; read my story if you are interested).

But anyway, my point is, we have to take it step by step and not make decisions we may regret later. Hope this helps.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Aquarius7, and thank you for your post. I agree with you about not making huge changes while grieving, and, if I wasn't married, I wouldn't. It's funny (and not so funny...), our bid on the house probably has fallen through (as another buyer is willing to pay cash - which we don't have, we got a loan) -- but -- right after we find this out, my husband says to me, "Well, maybe now we can go and visit my family". To me, all I hear is going from one stress (the house) to another (traveling...leaving the cats...) -- but -- I am happy to finally be married -- and to a man I really get along well with -- so, I want to make sure I compromise. Life goes on even though I am still deeply in shock at my new life without my mom here. I also agree with you that I'd rather not create regrets if I can avoid them. Thank you for these reminders, and for your input.

I had a dream last night that I was talking to my mom on the phone. It was GREAT!!! Heard her voice and got "that feeling" of being with her. Then...in the dream...I remember thinking how wonderful it is to be able to talk with her, and how I never wanted to take this for granted. Then again, in the dream...I started remembering that she died...and then I woke up. So happy -- and then -- so sad.

Oh well...onward...on the roller coaster...through the fog...

My best to you, Aquarius7 - with much appreciation.

[Miss Ngu]

I need to write...I am feeling so alone. Calling a friend, talking to my husband, playing with my cats, going for counseling, all have been tried. Breathing deeply, walking in nature, gardening, cleaning, singing, screaming, helping others, etc. -- nothing is bringing me relief right now. The grief I am feeling has to be acknowledged. It feels like it is changing, again, to something, again, I never could have imagined. Missing my mother, after 13 months of her passing, has me living in a new reality that I just don't like. That's the truth. There is no relief. Nowhere to run -- and nowhere to hide.

I have been working extra hard to behave well towards my husband, father, family and friends. I keep my real truth to myself anymore. There is no reason to release it to anyone, as I don't feel better afterwards, as the opinions that are felt by those to whom the truth is told, creates stigmas that I'd rather not have to be viewed through. What does feel better, at least to those around me, is that I have been remaining as calm as possible, with a positive attitude, to diffuse others' upsets (either upset with me, or, whatever...). It's like, verbally, I am the voice of reason.

Inside -- my true feelings are very aware that I am not receiving much of this "unconditional love" that I am trying so hard to give. I am giving out as much love as I can for different reasons. Mostly, because I feel that that's what I am here to do in my life (to diffuse angry energy and to infuse loving energy into the world). And, if it's true you get what you give, then I guess I am not willing to take any chances (even though this mantra doesn't quite show-up in life as "fair" - seemingly).

I used to have more love to give, as my mother was there to listen and to know the real me, and her words always refreshed and enlightened me, and filled me back up. It was wonderful to feel understood and truly loved through anything -- even when she was talking some sense into me.

I hate to whine -- but -- I just need to write-out my grief. What I feel inside is so different than what I show, as positive people are much more uplifting to be around. Every minute that goes by is another minute that feels so lonely and distant, and different from anything I knew.

I miss my mom so much -- it hurts!

[Miss Ngu]

How embarrassing!! When a friend or family member finally seems to want to talk about how I am REALLY feeling, I get, like, one sentence in to my truth, and then they are finished with the conversation (by either ceasing texting, going offline, or totally changing the subject). Do I ask them, then, if we can discuss my topic a bit more (haven't tried this one yet), or are they showing me they are too uncomfortable? Either way, I am silenced and truly unknown to them. I try to cover-up the embarrassment I feel (in that I would even TRY to really share with them), with whatever humor I can muster in the moment. I am alone with my pain, and getting more angry with people. So I thought I'd write. Will try dancing some of my pain out, and then some meditation today. I have to get through this.

[MartyT]

Dear one, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Given the lack of support you're experiencing, I wonder if you've considered joining a mother-loss support group, or having a few sessions with a grief counselor? In any event, I just wanted you to know that you've been heard (and felt) ♥

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Marty, and thank you for your reply and input. It really means a lot to me, and helps me to know I am not alone while I am feeling so much pain during this time in my life. Yes, I will remember that a hospice counselor is always a phone call away --thanks for this reminder. Again, I am very grateful to you and to those I've connected with on this website.

[niamh]

hi Miss Ngu,

I can totally relate to that, it's SO awkward when that happens, I've been there many times. I have since distanced myself from those it happened with even though some were very close family. For me I felt of all the people in the world I should not have to pretend with them or hide my true feelings but it also made me VERY uncomfortable to be met with silence when I would bring up my sadness and so on. I think some people just do not know how to deal with someone grieving and although they care they just dont know what to say, hence the silence. I don't want one way conversations where they sit and listen but then say nothing, I don't want pity or anything but just an acknowledgement of my feelings and it's very hard when you feel like you're just talking to a blank wall. When the subject would be changed or ignored I would then be the one to go into silent mode thinking "if you can't talk with me about my feelings, I really don't want to hear about you and your life". I know that might sound harsh but it's how I feel. All relationships are a 2 way street and nobody should have to pretend or hide how they are feeling to avoid silence.

I am still distanced from them and have encountered the silence even in the last few months (2.5yrs later) so I still stay away.

I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about, this is their issue not yours, you feel what you feel and nothing wrong with it.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone with it. I do have a few close friends who can deal with it so I am very grateful for that......I wish I could share them with you (",)

((hugs)) to you,

Niamh

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Niamh, and thank you so much for your post. It really made me confused -- which is good -- keeps me thinking. So...it seems all this time, the only advice I have received, or seen, is to let my caring(?) but silent friends and family off-the-hook in giving me any comfort or understanding whatsoever, because they are uncomfortable. And now, I see your post (which totally made me cry, in that I felt so understood by you!), especially when you wrote, "if you can't talk with me about my feelings, I really don't want to hear about you and your life", that maybe I should keep re-defining what I am looking for in my friendships. What you wrote is EXACTLY how I feel. For me, I haven't always been able to relate to what my friends are going through, but I think I have always been able to just listen and, at least give them a chance to vent. I usually have a follow-up question, or stay engaged in the conversation. I am worth that as well. So -- what you wrote makes me re-think, once again, what I want, and what I will accept.

It is also very sweet that you'd want to share your wonderfully caring friends with me. I am happy they are there for you! I feel like a failure in the choices of the friends I've made throughout the years. I think this has been upsetting me more and more each day. I take responsibility for this, as I chose these people as my friends, and thought I had chosen a better support group. I let them talk to me about their lives and problems, and always made time for them. I am really changing when it comes to what I am willing to give to those that don't have the same to give to me. I do tend to lean toward the people-pleasing side, so I have to watch-out that this doesn't create an inauthentic imbalance -- I can't allow that pattern to go on -- it obviously hasn't worked.

So...now it was your turn to remind me that it is ok to feel what I feel. Thank you.

Knowing that you can relate to what I wrote helps me so much. Your words, comfort, and hugs are thoroughly appreciated.

My best to you!

[niamh]

hi Miss Ngu,

thank you for your lovely kind words, it's nice to know what I write can sometimes "help" someone.

I really don't think it's a case of you choosing the "wrong" friends, I think even the best of friends can fail someone who is grieving because they just do not understand the enormity of it .......my attitude since this happened is that it needs to be spoken about, it needs to be brought out into the open, the world needs to be educated about the true impact of losing a loved one and not continuously sweep it under the carpet because it's been here since day one and it's here to stay !

You are totally worth someone staying enganged in the conversation acknowledging what you are going through, how you are feeling but I definitely don't think you should "blame" yourself for chosing these people. I'm sure deep down they care and they just do not know what to say, how to act in these conversations as opposed to them not truly caring. (it's mainly very close family this happened with for me and I know the care underneath it all but just don't seem to be able to talk about it the way I need for now).

I have definitely changed in what I will give and accept from people since this happened. To be honest I think I have stopped having expectations from anyone now, it kind of makes it easier because there's no lash of a let down then. Just do what you need for yourself Miss Ngu, if you don't feel up to listening to others' problems take the time out you need, you deserve that at the very least, now it's time for Miss Ngu pleasing

((hugs)) as always,

Niamh

[Morganrothmommy]

I need to write...I am feeling so alone. Calling a friend, talking to my husband, playing with my cats, going for counseling, all have been tried. Breathing deeply, walking in nature, gardening, cleaning, singing, screaming, helping others, etc. -- nothing is bringing me relief right now. The grief I am feeling has to be acknowledged. It feels like it is changing, again, to something, again, I never could have imagined. Missing my mother, after 13 months of her passing, has me living in a new reality that I just don't like. That's the truth. There is no relief. Nowhere to run -- and nowhere to hide.

I have been working extra hard to behave well towards my husband, father, family and friends. I keep my real truth to myself anymore. There is no reason to release it to anyone, as I don't feel better afterwards, as the opinions that are felt by those to whom the truth is told, creates stigmas that I'd rather not have to be viewed through. What does feel better, at least to those around me, is that I have been remaining as calm as possible, with a positive attitude, to diffuse others' upsets (either upset with me, or, whatever...). It's like, verbally, I am the voice of reason.

Inside -- my true feelings are very aware that I am not receiving much of this "unconditional love" that I am trying so hard to give. I am giving out as much love as I can for different reasons. Mostly, because I feel that that's what I am here to do in my life (to diffuse angry energy and to infuse loving energy into the world). And, if it's true you get what you give, then I guess I am not willing to take any chances (even though this mantra doesn't quite show-up in life as "fair" - seemingly).

I used to have more love to give, as my mother was there to listen and to know the real me, and her words always refreshed and enlightened me, and filled me back up. It was wonderful to feel understood and truly loved through anything -- even when she was talking some sense into me.

I hate to whine -- but -- I just need to write-out my grief. What I feel inside is so different than what I show, as positive people are much more uplifting to be around. Every minute that goes by is another minute that feels so lonely and distant, and different from anything I knew.

I miss my mom so much -- it hurts!

OMG! I could have written this! This is EXACTLY me, and how I am feeling. I'm feeling so lost and disconnected. I just lost my mom on July 7th, 2012. So it's still fresh and hurts more than anything right now. My emotions have been getting the best of me lately. I've snapped at my husband on multiple occasions, I don't want my husband touching me. I go hot to cold with my husband and my two children. (2 months old and 23 months old). I go from wanting to love on them, and never let them go, overfilled with saddness, to so annoying because everyone needs me, wants to be on me, etc.....

Like you, my mother is the ONLY one that I could talk to about EVERYTHING, without judgement, and she never brought things up again. She was the only one that loved me unconditionally, and would be there for me in an instant. she is the only one that got me, entirely. Knew what I was going to say before I said it, knew when I needed her, before I knew I needed her. I just feel so lost without her. I miss talking to her everyday, and I miss our adventures. I miss her loving on her grandbabies. I just miss her so SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Niamh,

I want to thank you for your post. I have really been thinking things out, regarding my conversations with my friends. Now, instead of accepting their silence or changing of the subject when I talk about my life now that my mom has gone, I will ask them to comfort me, and stay in the (uncomfortable) topic just a while longer, and be there for me. Yes, you are right, not only do people need to be aware of the process of loss and grief, they (we) also need to really listen, and help those that we call friends. I am very aware of just how long the (one-sided) conversation goes on, before I am then asked, "Oh...and how are you?" -- only to then say how I am -- and then be met with silence or a change of subject. Well -- no more. I am handling my new communications like I am taking a life class. There is no real need to be "brutally" honest -- but -- honesty can be spoken well -- and I will try my best. I am looking out for myself more, trying to expect less from others, and working on being ok with my new self. Thank you, so much, for the wonderful support and insight -- and especially your sweet heart and ((hugs)). You are a Blessing to me.

Hi Morganrothmommy,

Thank you for writing! I am both happy, and sad, that you can relate. It is sad that our beloved mothers are gone from the planet, but, at least we find that we are not alone in our feelings. Please accept my condolences for the loss of you dear friend, your mom. My mom (and grandmother) were such wonderful women. No one could ever understand and love me as much. I am very lucky to have had their love.

I so can relate to feeling such a need to bond tightly to loved ones -- and then -- the opposite feelings of feeling so smothered and needed, that I can get lost in everyone else's needs, and get angry that I have no time for myself. Yes, stiking a balance is important, but you are SO fresh into your grieving process. I was just numb for so long after my mom's death. I do know that when I let my meaner side emerge and speak in harsh tones and saying mean things, I just feel worse about myself after, and I also get a lot less understanding from those I am seeking it from. So, as I wrote above, I need to be able to tell my truth, without being brutal. Still, again, this is just so new for you, and I am sorry. Be gentle with yourself -- and with those you love -- as best you can. Missing my mom, and being on this planet without her, will take a while for me to get used to -- if I ever do. Going on without her hurts in its own way, but, life does go on, and we have to keep up, somehow. Our mothers wouldn't want us to be in so much pain, but, feel what you feel, and then, minute-by-minute do the best you can. Wishing you comfort and strength.

[Miss Ngu]

Haven't written in a while. I check the site daily, but haven't had much time to write. And, as others have also written, I still really wish this wasn't my reality -- my life without my mom -- and being on this site reminds me of that reality. Still, I need to be here to write-out my pain. And I am so Thankful for this site, with such wonderful and caring people.

My life became a series of interruptions. I felt that I couldn't have my own thought for more than a few minutes before my husband or father needed to tell me something -- anything -- everything!! I have to honor myself, and realized that I don't want to live my life this way. My "work" in this life is to keep it simple, keep the faith, and love. Much more of a spiritual path than a path of accumulating "things". I need to remind my loved ones that I have my own path that I have to live, and to check to see if they really need to communicate every last detail to me. I then said to them, that if I were to communicate my every thought, they wouldn't be so happy. Whew -- it's exhausting.

My dad's health, Thankfully, is much better. He is back to being "my father the flirt" -- and embarrassing me and my sister terribly. I'm still very uncomfortable when he asks my advice about a woman he is trying to date -- and there have been a string of them. I am trying to remember that this too shall pass, and that I am happy his health is better.

My husband and I are in the process of purchasing a house. Yes...now I have this stress to deal with. It's exciting, don't get me wrong, but, I have so many things that I'd love too (NEED to) talk to my mother about. I feel so lost and scared without her here, and am, again, feeling the desperate need to call her. I do know that she is with me, in spirit. For instance, when we first went to the house we are purchasing with our realtor, the keys didn't work, and after driving an hour, we thought we wouldn't even be able to go inside. After 10 minutes of my husband and the realtor wrestling with the keys and locks -- they walked away, and I walked up to the door, and the handle just turned -- and we were inside. The looks on their faces were priceless. I think the realtor thought I knew how to break-in, or that I used magic, or something. Also, the very first bid we gave was accepted by the seller. No haggling at all. Anyway...I view them as little miracles my mother is performing.

I am a person who enjoys healing with gemstones and crystals. Something happened with a pink fluorite wand that I was holding. I was having a particularly difficult day, and put the wand next to me. When I went to pick it up, it had broken in two. Usually, I would be so upset that my gemstone was broken, but, when I picked-up the pieces, I said to my husband, "it broke, so I don't have to". It was a perfect break, and I glued it back together -- as I am trying to mend my broken heart, and come back together to feel like a whole person again.

Still have to go on a long trip to visit my aging in-laws as soon as we can. I don't need more stress in my life, and I really hate to travel, but I know that they, too, shall pass, and I need to support my husband during his parents' golden years.

Money fears, dad fears, travel fears, buying a house fears, selling our current house fears, packing, moving, painting, cleaning... -- and my mother is gone. On my own here, and trying my best -- while feeling quite overwhelmed.

[kayc]

I don't know how I missed this thread, but I forget to go into this section, maybe because it's behaviors and I associate that with newer grief in my mind, I don't know.

How is the house sale coming along? Have you been approved (loan)? They surely wouldn't approve you if they didn't feel you could swing it financially.

I know the bigger issue here is your not having your mom to turn to. I've never had a mom to turn to, I always had a husband, but the last several years I haven't had that either, and I've had to learn to just wing it on my own. I can relate to the anxiety...it seems to well up when I'm feeling overwhelmed and scared. I can make things much bigger at 3:00 am, LOL! Even on medicine, I'd hate to think how bad it'd be without it.

I get what you're saying about friends too. I have a couple of friends I can talk to, but that's about it. I used to have a lot of friends, but so many have moved away over the years. I like your idea about making them listen and be there for you for even a little while, yes, I think all of us need to learn to listen and be there for each other. I wanted to insert a giant thumbs up when I read that!

Your dad is undoubtedly going through his own grief and it's hard for him to be there for you or anyone right now. Plus men don't always know how to respond, what to say, and someone else talking about their feelings sometimes puts them in a deer-in-the-headlights mode, ha! It DOES help to explicitly tell them what you need/want from them at that very moment, it helps them know what direction to take, they almost need a roadmap with things like that. I know we'd rather they could read our minds and just provide what we want, but they aren't wired that way. My George was different, the big exception, how could I not love him...I used to say he seemed to have a woman's psyche in a man's body...believe me, that was intended as a compliment, because he was very intuitive and nurturing. It's hard to find someone like that. Maybe that's one reason you miss your mom so much. (((hugs))) I hope it just continues to get better. My MIL was like that, she was like the mom I always wanted and never had, but she's been gone for 25 years now so I tend to forget what it's like to have that relationship.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Kay, and thank you for your post. I wrote in one of these posts that I didn't know what fell under "grief" anymore, and didn't want to abuse the website, so, Behaviors in Bereavement seemed like a better place to post than Loss of a Parent or Grandparent?!? Funny, I thought opposite from what you thought, that since I am past the beginning stages of grief and numbness, that I no longer should post in Loss of Parent or Grandparent, and switch to Behaviors. I tend to read the new posts in all categories, but realize that the Loss of Spouse or Partner and Loss of Parent or Grandparent get the most reads. There is so much support in the Loss of Spouse or Partner section, and members do keep writing about their ongoing experiences of living after their loved ones death -- like a support group -- not just around grief. You are very right -- that even though I am writing about my current life stresses, the biggest problem I am experiencing is not having my mother, my very best friend, here on the planet anymore, and that I don't have anyone to turn to. As I have written, my husband is a great guy, and will listen to me -- but -- it's just not the same (and I don't expect it to be).

Thank you for your interest and support in the purchasing of our house. Found out yesterday, that the appraisal will support the loan. They don't tell you what the house is actually worth -- just if it is worth lending the money we bid. Now...to actually GET the loan we were pre-approved for. The last hurdle. I must say, I almost feel my mother around me, helping me handle all that is happening. It's comforting, and I think I need to let that feeling nurture me more.

George sounds like he was a very special man, and had his male/female sides very attuned and balanced. Was the mother-in-law you refer to George's mother? If so, then, maybe that is where he got it from.

Thank you, Kay, for finding my Free Fall topic, and helping me to know that, even though we don't physically know each other, online -- I have friends that care, like you, that find what I write, and write back with words of understanding and encouragement. It's a different safety net than I am used to, but a safety net, just the same. Your writing means a lot to me -- not just what you write to me -- but what you reply to others as well. You are a very special soul.

[Chai]

Dear Miss Ngu,

Please accept my hugs for your loss and for everything you are going through now. You are not alone in wishing that this was not your life, and I can also relate to "if you can't talk with me about my feelings, I really don't want to hear about you and your life", regarding how to communicate with old friends and family in your life. They just don't understand grief, and they're afraid of it...but we have to take care of ourselves. Please, please don't compromise on that. Take care of yourself. If that means asking them to continue talking about it, as you have, then do it. Otherwise if you compromise, it will only hurt even more later...

I wish I had something to say that would help. but all I can say is that I relate. I, too, feel like there's no one else to turn to for advice and comfort quite like my dad. There are some people who are pretty good, and I turn to them...but after almost 4 years, I still feel like, "I wish my dad were here to tell about this." I think I always will feel like that. No one can give advice or make me feel comforted like he did. I think that hole will always be there.

((((Hugs))))) to you,

Chai

[kayc]

You can request a copy of the appraisal, most banks don't hesitate to furnish a copy upon request. I'm so glad it will go through!

Have you thought of writing to your mom and tell her what's going on in your life? You can keep her up on what is happening...

The Loss of Spouse section does get a lot of reads/posts, maybe because a spouse affects every aspect of your life, and as such, it necessitates support getting through it. But some people are particularly interactive and close to their parents or siblings, or perhaps a close friend, and they also may need that support for years to come. Don't ever feel apologetic for continuing to come here, it helps others know they are not alone in their feelings of loss and what they encounter with their grief. This is a place we can receive support and lend help as well, and both are needed.

Nope, my MIL was my kids' dad's mom. I was in the family for 23 years and only got to keep George a short few years before he passed.

[Miss Ngu]

Dear Chai, Thank you for your very sweet reply. I wish I could say I tested out niamh's theory of asking my friends for a bit more support and attention to where I am at and how I am feeling -- but -- I don't hear from anyone -- and -- when I think of calling them -- I think -- why bother?! I write them emails -- and keep the emails upbeat -- and, sometimes, get a response. When I write how I am missing my mom and adjusting daily to my new life without her here, I, mostly don't hear back from them at all -- and when I do, what I wrote is not addressed. Oh well -- I have learned to rely more on Faith, myself, my husband, and what I think my mom would advise me to do.

It has been 4 years for you, and even though it is hard to read, I know that I, too, will always miss my dear mom -- how could I not?? She was the best!! Yes...we can be told by others how this will feel, but, living through it is the only way to really know -- so there is no way to truly prepare. I am just as ripped apart in my emotions regarding my mom's death as I was on the day of her death, I just am not overtaken by my grief as often now that she has been gone almost 1 and 1/2 years now. It is always there, and I can, and do, cry at the drop-of-a-hat sometimes -- most times. But, I do feel like my mom would want me to keep living life, and doing my best -- so I keep trying to live the way she lived (enjoying life), utilizing the lessons she taught me. I am so Blessed and grateful that my mom and I created a relationship that I will treasure every moment of my life. That cannot be taken away from my soul.

When I am in need of comfort, I think of my mom, and picture myself hugging her -- and try to feel her holding me as well.

Sending my best wishes to you, with great thanks for your understanding.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Kay, Thank you for your helpful reply. I will try writing to my mom, as I haven't tried that yet, and see how I feel. When I "speak to her" (aloud -- in the air), I just get complainy and feel sad for myself. Maybe writing it out to her will feel as good as it does when I write on this website. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thank you, also, for your support on our house loan. We were able to get the appraisal amount, just as you said. We are still awaiting final approval, and might not know for 2 more weeks. It's been a tough wait -- and no mom to help ease the stress. Knowing that you care what is happening in my life, and pulling for a good outcome for me, really feels good, and I thank you. I'll let you know how this goes as well.

In a few weeks, my 51st birthday will be here. Time moves on, even though my heart still aches for my mom. My second birthday in my life without her here. Trying to take it day-by-day, minute-by-minute, as you have recommended. Too hard to look too far ahead.

I am glad that you have experienced what a mother's love can really feel like -- it's such a warm, welcoming, and caring feeling. I know my cats have a wonderful feeling towards me as their human mom, and I am glad I can be that for them.

Sad to see that you didn't have more time on the planet with George. It is another reminder that every moment is precious.

I really appreciate your writing to me. It makes me feel good. Thank you.

My best to you always.

[enna]

In a few weeks, my 51st birthday will be here. Time moves on, even though my heart still aches for my mom. My second birthday in my life without her here. Trying to take it day-by-day, minute-by-minute, as you have recommended. Too hard to look too far ahead.

Dear Miss Ngu,

When I read your messages my heart sank knowing how devastated you are feeling. I am so very sorry. Many, many years ago I too lost my dear mother. My heart is still empty and sad when I think of her. She was truly the BEST person I ever knew. Gentle, kind, loving, caring, best friend, confidant, and so on and so on . . .

I can only tell you that you will always have those loving feelings for your mother. Those feelings do slip into the background as years pass but they will always be there. This site helps all of us express the loss we are feeling at any given moment. It makes no difference how short or long ago the loss it is still loss. I have found it helpful to read others posts because when you have lived as long as I have you'll find that you have suffered many different losses. Each loss is as unique as the individual. Not one of us fit into a 'category' or mold. The people here listen and they do 'get it.' Our hearts are broken and we sometimes think we will never be able to go on without someone we loved, but we do and we will and sometimes we just need to say things outloud. That is what this site allows us to do.

May the sorrow that you are feeling in your heart today lighten by the love that surrounds you. Journal to your mom, ask her for advice – and in a quiet moment you may just hear a reply – celebrate your birthday knowing that your mom is with you – not in the way you would like her to be but she is with you.

Please check out Marty's link titled 'Self-Healing Expressions' for her take on the loss of a mother and she posted a poem that speaks to all of us on the loss of our mothers. I found comfort reading it. Peace and hugs. Anne

http://j.mp/a0rrvM

[hockeymom]

I had a grandmother that I lost five years ago and she was my 'one'. I would tell her everything and she never judged, always understood. I wish I could say that it gets easier - maybe a little but you lose a small part of yourself. In the past five years I have reexamined a lot about my life and the people that are in my inner circle. I lost my two closest friends at the same time I lost my grandmother, all within a four month time period. However I have real friends, better friends, SOLID friends now. I still don't have that one person I can tell anything to but that's okay. It's amazing to thing that even at my age (in my forties) I'm still learning about what it is to be a friend and how many simply don't know how or want to. You will get through all of this okay and learn a lot about yourself during the grief. In the end, you will be stronger for it. ((hugs))