Miss Ngu Posted October 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 Hi Anne, and thank you for your very sweet reply. Knowing that you, and others on this site, understand how I am feeling really makes such a huge difference in my life. And reading and receiving support feels so good -- as I know I am not as alone as I feel. This site has been a lifeline for me (thanks Marty!). Thanks, also, for reminding me to re-read Marty's link, and the poem. Yes...it really does help. Going on without my mom physically here is a major adjustment, and I can see that I am learning to live in a new normal, without being so freaked-out by it. Still, I must honestly say, I don't like it -- but need to keep continuing to learn how to live happily in life, as my mom would want me to. You wrote, "May the sorrow that you are feeling in your heart today lighten by the love that surrounds you." Anne, thank you for your love surrounding me -- and for understanding my heartbreak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted October 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 Hi hockeymom, and thank you for your reply -- it means a lot to me! Not only, as you said, do I feel that I lost a small part of myself, I also lost a whole support system that I thought was going to be there for me. Even after all this time since my mom died, my "friends" (and I felt Blessed to have many of them) still are just as distant as ever. Some even email me, and tell me that they will call soon. I wonder when "soon" is for them -- and also wonder how they live with going back on their word to me. It is sad for me to say, but I feel resentment towards them, and hope they have other friends to go to when their parents start dying, as I don't feel that I will wish to be as giving of myself to them as I was in the past. Fair is fair -- and I must respect and honor myself. Please don't get me wrong, I love my friends and wish them well, but, I can't not know what I know after this experience, and feel what I feel. Unfortunately, I can't really say that I have had ANYONE (other than my sweet husband and this website) that I can be real with, and show my true emotions -- and feel listened to and understood. How depressing, eh? Still -- I am (somewhat) open to any future friends, if any real good ones happen to show up in my life. The love I received from my mother and grandmother keep me going. I know I am lucky to have such wonderful memories of them -- and -- mostly -- I am fortunate to have known their love and strength, and to keep what I learned from them alive in me. Thank you, hockeymom, for your vote of confidence for me. I helps me to know you understand -- and care! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted October 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) Hi Marty, I found your blog post, Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations, and, once again, really found help, comfort and understanding in your writing. I don't know how to re-post it here in Free Fall -- but I'd love to include it here if you can attach it. Thank you!! Edited October 15, 2012 by MartyT Link inserted ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted October 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 No one to talk to...so...I will write...my sister has some friends visiting (as they visit every year, and will be moving to our small town in a few months). Anyway...these friends renewed their wedding vows yesterday, and everyone in my family was invited -- except me (and my husband). My sister was officiating the renewal, and since my family (14 of us) are the only people the visiting friends know here, it is hard on my emotions that my husband and I were not included. I was told that these vows were going to happen during this visit, but, never got an invite. My dad never got an invite -- but my sister told him, "I told you you were invited -- you just don't remember". My dad admitted to me that he is old, but he doesn't remember hearing the invite -- and neither do I. My dad just happened to call my sister on the day of the renewal, and she said she'd see him there. So, I guess then, my husband and I were the only ones not invited. It just feels crummy. Since my brother and mom died, I have also had the experience of grieving the relationship that I have with my sister -- or --lack of relationship, I should say. I am experiencing so much grief and pain, but I am not willing to remove myself totally from my family, as I want us all to remain as much as a team until my dad passes on. After that -- who knows?? What also is upsetting to me...is that I truly feel bad for myself regarding having no friends who will really talk to me. When I do "phone a friend", I listen to what is going on with them, but truly don't feel any better once I've opened-up to them -- and -- I can't open-up too much, as I can sense -- something -- that is just uncomfortable, and I never get to the point that I really feel heard anyway. I have never been this alone in my life. Truly alone. Only dad and husband -- who talk way more than listen -- and, of course, who then want to fix it. There is no one to just talk-out the details to. Therapists have let me down so much, that it is hard to try that route again -- so -- I am writing. Kay -- I have been writing emails to my mom. I cry everytime -- so -- that has been good for my healing process. Writing to her sometimes feels a bit too painful (because I know there is not going to be a real response), but it has helped me really listen to the voice deep inside that I know is her talking to me -- or, at least -- hearing the lessons she imparted to me during her life. So, thank you for this suggestion. Writing on this website, receiving comforting and insightful responses, and reading others' posts, have helped me so much. Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 My dear Miss Ngu, If you find yourself unable to connect with friends who will listen so that you feel truly "felt" and heard, and if therapists have let you down too, then you need to find alternative ways to mourn ~ including finding ways to connect with and to memorialize your mother in ways that hold meaning for you. In addition to the support I know you'll continue to find here, I invite you to explore some of the resources (articles, books and websites) listed on my Death of a Parent webpage ~ and know that here, at least, you are being felt and heard by all of us, and you most certainly are not alone. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted October 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 Oh yeah...forgot to mention that this invitation oversight comes after this past Friday's scene. I bought tickets to see a show with my sister and her visiting friends -- but -- when I get to the theater -- my sister says, "Oh -- I forgot you were coming -- and didn't save you a seat". Ugh! Not a shock to me (sadly), as I figured there was a 50/50 chance of this happening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted October 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 Hi Marty, and thank you for your reply. I will re-visit your Death of a Parent webpage, and pick-up my next resource. I have really been focusing on honoring my mother, by living each day as best I can (stumbling, and learning as I go). This is new for me, as I was feeling abandoned, and don't feel that way as much recently. I feel more powerful with her "here" with me. The only thing that (oddly) bothers me about this "keeping her here with me", is that, somewhere, I heard that relying on our loved-ones who have passed keeps their spirit tied to this planet, instead of moving onward. Still, I watch the tv show "Long Island Medium" (about a woman who communicates with people that have died), and am comforted to think that my mom is here with me. I would, obviously, never want to do my mother's spirit any harm or hinder her spiritual growth in any way. I know this is not really answerable, as there are many beliefs surrounding this topic -- but -- that's always in the back of my mind. Anyway...Marty, your last sentence comforts me so deeply. You are here -- when I need you the most. Thank you is not enough to say how grateful I am to you -- and the readers and writers here. I have checked-out other grief support groups online, but only this one shows itself to be truly safe (I am judging this by the level of writing and interaction). Marty -- that difference is you. I am lucky to have found (and trusted to sign-up with) a group with such a caring, knowledgable, and "on it" moderator/counsellor. I am NOT alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 17, 2012 Report Share Posted October 17, 2012 Ditto to what Marty wrote, I agree and that was so sweet! Miss Ngu, Relatives or no relatives, I wouldn't want to expend much more effort to people who'd treat me this way. About the "oversight", I would ask pointedly about it, at least find out if it was mailed and never reached you, although for 14 people I would think phone calls could have been made. At any rate, it's done, nothing can be changed now. You mentioned your dad, are you close to him? If so, maybe he is someone in your corner? If you aren't being heard and cared about by friends, either they don't know how to care for you in a way you need and can feel it, or you might need new friends. I would begin by letting them know how I feel, in a kind and tactful way...convey my concerns and what I need from them. If you are always there for them, they should do no less. If they are unwilling or don't care, honestly, I'd move on and try to find new friends. For some people this seems to come easy, for others of us, it doesn't seem to be easy to find new friends...maybe we don't get out and meet people enough or aren't around the right kind of people, I don't know. At any rate, you have us here. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted October 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 Hi Kay, and thank you for your reply and support, as always! You are right, I have been learning a lot about give-and-take in relationships, and, recently, am coming from a much more self-reliant place, not nearly as much from a people-pleasing place, which is great -- freeing, really. I feel a bit more powerful lately -- like -- I am not abandoned by my deceased mother (which I know is just a feeling, it's not like she had any choice about dying) -- and I am strengthened by her -- and my deceased brother and grandmother too. I am drawing support for myself in my memories of how much love I shared with them -- and how I felt understood by them -- and truly loved. Got to let that keep nurturing me. So, you wrote that, "nothing can be changed now" regarding the past. So true. I will continue to stay in the moment, and keep learning as I go. Regarding my dad, I do think he loves me -- but -- there is a lot wrapped around that. My dad has love for me -- but -- it is very conditional. He says mean and thoughtless things to me so easily, that his love can be hard to trust. He is also too much in love with himself to be much of a support. Let's just say that, if he knew my true heart, he would probably use it against me, at some point -- or tell it to my sister -- or something. So, unfortunately, a confidante, he is not. Does he support me -- yes -- to the degree he can. Here's another fact: I also work with my dad and sister twice-a-week for our family business. Been doing this for the past 16 years. It has afforded me the opportunity to be around my family, and to make our relationships better. Thankfully, our relationships have gotten better throughout the years -- they just have stalled -- or reversed -- or just changed in general since my mom died. I am not ready to leave these people totally -- it would feel unfinished, and I would regret not being here for my dad -- I want to do this for my mom -- and me. I am thankful that lessons from my mom help me to cope with my dad and sister's personalities -- it's just very challenging. Where we work, we meet lots of new people, and I have some very nice (and sometimes deep) interactions with these people. I even think maybe some could be friends. I am cautious -- but still open to true, fair friendship. More than anything -- your caring and friendship has helped me so much, and I appreciate your support, insight, and the strength that you share. My best to you always! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted October 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) Hi Marty, Just wanted to thank you for your article, Dealing with Special Days: Anniversaries, Birthdays and Holidays (on open to hope). With my 51st birthday coming up this weekend, I am aware and accepting of my heightened sense of sadness. I thought, now that I am writing to my mom (per Kay's suggestion), how would it be to write an answer letter, from my mom, to me (as shown as an exercise to do in your article)? Looking forward to trying it. Miss Ngu, I took the liberty of adding a link to that article, above ~ Also, I see that there is a typo where that exercise is described. It should read as follows: Take the letter you write to your loved one's grave site (or some other special place) to be read aloud, then burn it in your fireplace or BBQ grill. Then, write a letter from your loved one back to you. Ask yourself: How would she answer you? When finished, fold her letter into a small enough size that when you put it into a box it will rattle. Then wrap it as a gift and, when you need it, simply rattle it – so you'll know it's a gift from your beloved. Edited October 18, 2012 by MartyT Link and corrected text added Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted October 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 I have been thinking of about what I wrote above, "...I heard that relying on our loved-ones who have passed keeps their spirit tied to this planet, instead of moving onward. Still, I watch the tv show "Long Island Medium" (about a woman who communicates with people that have died), and am comforted to think that my mom is here with me. I would, obviously, never want to do my mother's spirit any harm or hinder her spiritual growth in any way. I know this is not really answerable, as there are many beliefs surrounding this topic -- but -- that's always in the back of my mind." Hmmm...maybe it is not an all-or-nothing kind of thing?! So, hopefully, as long as I don't NEED my mom with me too much -- but just keep the memories of her love close to my heart always -- her spirit can both move on -- and -- also come to me (at times) as well? I know these are my "crazy" thoughts, that I can share with no one but you, dear reader. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 18, 2012 Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 Miss Ngu, I hope you have a wonderful birthday this weekend! You are the same age as my little sister. 51 was a good time for me. My 60s is yet to be written... I think your idea about writing your mom's answer to you is a great one. Sometimes we must give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we need to experience...forgiveness or love, or healing, to be heard, to listen. I hope you find what it is that you have need of. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted November 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 Here's an update...well...we finally got our house loan approved!! Now to wait a few more weeks to finally get the keys. I know that my dear mom has put her angelic touch on this process -- too many "little miracles". It hurts so much not to have her here during this big change in my life. She always helped me so much, in so many ways -- and now is no longer here. For instance...she would help me clean the new place (or, as she got older, hire someone to help me). She would even help me purchase an appliance, if need be. Having good parents is like winning the lottery. It was her joy to do these things for me (as I was also a child that adored her parents, and would do anything for them). Please, don't get me wrong...it's not the monetary things that I miss, it's the utter support, with her whole being, that I miss. Thankfully, my husband and I can pay for the things that we need, it's just that safety net for my emotional and my physical comfort -- and her complete support, makes life completely different. She was the glue for me and our family, so, how could life be anything but different? I have been feeling more scared and anxious lately. There is so much happening in my life -- and now -- the holidays are approaching as well. I do understand that time is fleeting, and that our lives can be changed or stopped at any time, so, I really try to appreciate each and every moment, and enjoy what I can. I am noticing that my husband doesn't seem to remember this concept, and I can get caught-up in his impatience and thoughtless behavior. It scares me that the only person that really brought me solace, comfort, and understanding, was my mother, and she is no longer here. Ok -- so there is no human here to really talk to. Writing this out does feel better -- which is great!! Thank you, reader for your compassion, and Marty, for keeping this very safe space. I rely and talk to my Higher Spirit, which has always been my salvation. I spoke with some old friends on my birthday, and was so happy to receive their good wishes. It seems like talking on the phone is becoming a thing of the past. No one has the time anymore. Hey -- even I feel like my time is going away when I am on a long conversation. So...I guess that's just the way life is evolving. So, now to see if our traveling plans are still going to come before the holidays. So much going on, and I am missing my mom through each minute. I am also living my life the best I can to honor her, and how she raised me. Women are strong in my family. We don't give up. I don't give up. I'm in pain -- but, I'm going on...and I am Thankful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 3, 2012 Report Share Posted November 3, 2012 Congratulations on your home, that is great news! I think fear is part of anxiety disorder (I have it too). Have you talked to your doctor about it? I am on medication for it and will never go off of it, anything that helps take the edge off...it seems to strike mostly in the wee hours so I like it when I sleep through those hours and skip it. You will be busy in the upcoming weeks, but I hope it is a busyness that is rewarding as you see your goals come to fruition. For the record, you can still talk to your mom...listen for her answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted November 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2012 Hi Kay, and thank you for your reply and support! It really means a lot to me. Regarding anxiety disorder -- yes, I have been diagnosed (and see my doctor every 6 months), and I have medication to take for anxiety attacks (which does help a lot). You wrote, "You will be busy in the upcoming weeks, but I hope it is a busyness that is rewarding as you see your goals come to fruition". Thank you for these words -- they remind me of something my mom would say to me, and definately words that I will look at again and again to remind me to keep plugging away. Thank you. It helps me to know that you care. My best to you always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 6, 2012 Report Share Posted November 6, 2012 (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted January 26, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 So...even after all of this time in my grieiving process, I am still confronted with conversations that don't really include me. There is nowhere to turn with this pain except for here (which I am grateful exists). I try to talk to my Dad about what is happening in my life...but...his response to me isn't even closely related to what I am saying. Like...I was giving him some details about getting the appliances for our new house changed-over to gas appliances. His response..."that's interesting". And then, when I pause because his response catches me off guard (since it was an odd response to what I was saying), he starts-up telling me where he is going with his new companion. Ok -- then -- a friend actually calls me today -- I wait and listen to her tell me about her life for, like, a half an hour -- and then -- tells me she has to go -- without even asking me how I am doing. This has got to stop. I am not getting anything out of these "conversations" except upset. As niamh said a while ago, I need to tell people point blank "if you are not interested in what I have to say, why should I listen to what you have to say". I only get upset with myself for allowing my time to be taken-up by one-way friendships -- and I have to do something about this. I still feel hopeful that my turn to speak and be heard will occur -- but -- it doesn't. I have put a lot of time and effort into my friendships, only to have them turn out to be very superficial. I know that no one will EVER be as close to me as my mother was -- but -- I need to be willing to tell the truth (as best I can), and risk losing my relationships with even my acquaintances, because I am only more upset after feeling used and uncared for. I am very aware in my conversations to stay upbeat and positive, and not dwell too long on my story, and be fair to the person with whom I am conversing. Others' don't seem to care about this fairness, I guess. I keep thinking I should be used to this by now, since it has been going on since my Mom died (May 12, 2011), but it is still a sad awakening to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 26, 2013 Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 You are being heard, Miss Ngu. When I first came on this site someone told me that is what this site is for - to express our grief in any way we need to and to know that we are being heard and not judged. Never feel that you are whinning - you are grieving. All of our pain is so individual. Morganrothmommy , you also are being heard. I am glad that you found this site. We can truly walk through our journeys together as we grieve. Your loss is so fresh. I am sorry that you have lost your mom. Visit this site often. You are both in my heart. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 26, 2013 Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 Miss Ngu, I am sorry people aren't being there for you like you have for them. I would be very explicit to them about what you need for them. If they are so deficient as to not be able to give a little, I would limit my time with them as you don't need anyone who drains you and doesn't ever give back. Friendship, whether family or friends, should be a two way street. Your dad sounds like he just doesn't have it in him. When your friend is ready to hang up, perhaps you could say, "hold on a second, I've listened to you for an hour, don't you care to hear how I am doing?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted January 27, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 To confirm this lack of conversation with my "friends" isn't all in my head... I got a text from another one of my very old "friends" just now stating that she knows she hasn't been "very talkative lately". I know people have their own stuff to deal with, but, boy, I really think I picked some "winners", and the timing of their own stuff seems to have coincided with the timing of my mother's passing. Are the two connected? Is it just a time in my life where I need to learn another hard lesson, and truth about people -- and myself? I will continue to learn, and count on prayer, myself (with all the information my mother and grandmother gave to me), my husband, and this website, and be grateful that I have this much. Still, I am confused and sad -- but -- continuing to work on how I am feeling about what life is showing me, and how to maintain love and compassion (for myself and others). I must say that I could almost "feel" the support from this website yesterday. Knowing that there were people reading what I wrote -- and knowing that they are thinking about me (as I have read their writings, and think about them also) -- and know that I have support from people I don't even know. Thank you for reading -- and caring. Anne -- thank you for writing to me. It means a lot to know that you care. Yes...sometimes I think I should stop writing on this site, thinking that I shouldn't be writing on a grieving website, because I am not sure that the issues I am going through fall into that category anymore. But...this time, following my mother's passing, is new to me, emotionally and physically, and it feels wonderful to be heard (read) and understood by others that have gone through similar situations. Kay -- I've written down your words, "hold on a second, I've listened to you for an hour, don't you care to hear how I am doing?", as they are some that I'm going to try (if/when I talk to a friend, and receive the same treatment). I am trying to speak well, and not regret my words -- by speaking out of anger. I also don't want to just avoid those people, and would rather they know what is true for me. I am an outgoing person, and not very shy, but, my people-pleasing side emerges at my own expense, and I need to try harder to get the courage to gently, but honestly tell the truth, as I would prefer this treatment from them as well. Thank you, as always, for your wonderful support! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 27, 2013 Report Share Posted January 27, 2013 Another thing you might consider, Miss Ngu. I've noticed with one particular friend of mine that, if she places the call to me, we spend the first half of our time discussing her life and whatever it might be that she's dealing with. When she's had her say, I feel free to take the floor. On the other hand, if I am the one to place the call, it is understood that I get to "dump my bucket" first, and when I'm done, she gets equal air time, and my full attention. This is just something we've worked out over time, but it seems to work well for us. Maybe next time you feel a need for the support of your friend, you might place the call, and begin with a statement that you really want to know what's going on in her life, and you are more than interested to know, but first you need for her to listen to what you're dealing with right now. Maybe if you let her know straight away of your need to share, she will give you the time and space you need ~ and then, in turn, you can give the same to her. Just a thought . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 I love Marty's idea, it might take some reminding, but it sounds like a great solution if you can get your friends to agree to it, and I don't see why they wouldn't. Don't feel bad for coming here, this IS a caring site, and if it branches out beyond grief, well sometimes life doesn't stay in a neat little box. And sometimes there are what you call "secondary losses", that is, things that you experience that may not be the original loss itself, but may result from it. Needing people to hear you would fall into that category. What Deborah and I were talking about today (survival, financial hardships, etc.) also falls into that category (if we hadn't lost our husbands we wouldn't be in this situation). Not everything is only about missing the person, there are MANY losses due to grief, of which missing them is the primary one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted January 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 Hi Marty -- Thank you for your suggestion. I tried this with a friend of mine a few months ago. Asked her when she had time to talk to me, as I had some things of which I wanted her opinion. Thankfully, it did work, and she did listen to me. Unfortunately, I felt heard, but not understood, exactly, from her. Kind of a let down. But, at least she gave me the space to vent a bit. So...good suggestion, and maybe I will try it again -- and maybe with a different friend. Your input is always so welcome, and I am always grateful to hear from you, and know that you care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Ngu Posted January 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 Hi Kay -- Yes...Marty's suggestion, as I wrote above, is a good one -- and -- as you said...it might take some reminding to keep my friends on the listening side of the conversation a little longer -- before they go back to their own stories. Also...thank you for reminding me about "secondary losses". What I am feeling is a direct effect of my mother's passing, and trying to find my way in the world again. Grief is way different than I thought it might be, and missing my mom is huge -- but only a part of the downline changes that have occurred. I am grateful to be able to share my thoughts on this website, and feel encouraged and understood. It is a true Blessing -- and I truly appreciate your insight always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 Dear Miss Ngu, It does sound like you have had good love and support from your grandmother, mom, husband, and others during your life. Now, you are doing what you need to do and that is grieve for your dear mother. I believe that their words will always be in your heart. Your strength will come from what is in your heart. Those on this forum are caring and have ever ending patience to listen and hear what others are saying. And as Kay says you must be direct in what you want. I learned early on from people on this site that no one really knows what you need so you have to ask. You will move through this grief and be comfortable that you have had those in your life who have loved and do love you. You are in my heart. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now