Significant Quotes

[mfh]

I also read this today in the Huffington Post. Excellent piece about when to go through our spouses belongings, sell a car, move...etc. It all boils down to listening to our hearts, of course.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-brody-fleet/grief-counseling-death-of-a-spouse_b_3077685.html?utm_source=Alert-blogger&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Email%2BNotifications

[feralfae]

Thank you.

Once again, you have posted a link to an article that is was exactly the right time for me to read. And, yes, I am pacing myself even on the sorting and packing. I am slow, but I have finally figured out that the tiredness is due as much to the emotional pain of this process as to the physical effort -- maybe more emotional than physical, actually.

It is so very easy to forget to honor our own needs and feelings when we begin to create -- or have created for us by others -- deadlines. I really have no deadlines to move. I can take a year if I want to do so. But I have had a habit of "getting things done" and right now, I need to slow down and honor my emotional needs above performance, and my physical limits above the need to "tough it out and get stronger."

I am still feeling compelled to be packing, but I am working on mitigating that with honoring my own health and healing. Thank you.

The article was just what I needed to read, thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

See also Tips on Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings, which includes suggestions from our own HOV members ♥

[mfh]

Marty, the author of the piece in the Huffington Post would probably like to read what you posted. These quotes make it all so very real. I have not touch 95% of Bill's belongings yet...I can feel the time getting closer and know I will do it a little bit at a time so I can really be present to what I am doing. A very very difficult task. I will spend some time at this site (Grief Healing) before I start down the road.

[kayc]

That was very good. reading it reminded me of how I felt when I cleaned out George's trailer, so I searched for and found that post, I knew it was probably July 2005. My goodness, reading such raw feelings reminded me just how rough this was in the beginning. That any of us have survived it is amazing!

[mfh]

Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation You are tired because grieving is hard work. Your body, your mind, your heart, and your soul are all reacting to this great loss in their own way. What is seen on the surface (in your eyes, on your face, and even in your actions) is only a tiny part of the work that is going on beneath the surface. Give yourself credit for standing in the center of a whirlwind.

[mfh]

http://widowisland.wordpress.com/2013/04/26/once-there-was-a-way/

I came across this piece today, a blog I read regularly by a woman who lost her husband 8 years ago and who says in this blog that because he was home for her, she lost home when he died. I have always thought of Bill as my home (and he felt the same about me). As long as we were together, we were home. So, of course, when he died, I felt/feel homeless....a piece of why I am attempting to move into this house that we bought, but never really fixed to our liking because it was too much for him just 11 months before Bill died. Reading this blog this morning helped me and reminded me to better accept/understand my intense reaction to feeling homeless for three weeks now because of the chaos in literally every room (due to having painters in to paint more than half the house inside) and because of the chaos, it does not feel like the only safe place I have right now. I have scolded myself for being a drama queen these weeks; for over reacting three years into this journey as if three years is all I get for my grief and now that the marker has passed last month, I am "supposed" to do what society thinks I should have done long ago: "move on". I do know better and would never ever treat another human being that way. Reading this piece early this morning reminded me that at 3 years or 8 years or maybe 20 years my grief is and will be with me and there will be times (not just days here and there as happens) of turmoil as there has been these past 4 months (since Christmas Day when pneumonia hit for the second time since Bill died) and since reliving the last two months of Bill's life in Feb/March became more difficult this year than the first two, and now as I attempt to stay sane in the midst of chaos in the only "home" I have left...one that is so empty with Bill's absence.

The kicker in reading this piece this morning is that as I scrolled through it, there at the bottom was a picture of the Beatle's album cover (Abbey Road) and their song of home. The cover is one I (and the photography team I had for the publication I sold last fall) replicated here in town about seven months before Bill died. You see, every year the General Store in our village hosts a Beatlefest, a day where all the local music groups/bands sing only Beatle songs in the yard behind the General Store using the back porch as a stage and bringing to the yard perhaps 1,500 people (more than our population here) to picnic on local food and local beer and listen. I decided to replicate the cover of this album for the cover of my publication the month preceding the Beatlefest in 2010. By replicated I mean we got 4 men, who looked a bit like the Beatles, found a street that resembled the one in their shot, set up a cross walk identical to that in the picture, got the local police to barricade it and stay with us as we got a VW Bug and set it behind the four men at an angle, created a replica of the license plate, moved other cars around, and re-created our version of this photo. You have to look twice and hard to see that it is not the real thing. The first person was "played" by a young man who showed up as directed all in white except for his black shoes. Since I had set up a lawn chair on the side for Bill to sit in and watch as our crew shot this cover photo over about 3 hours, Bill offered his gym shoes so this young man had white shoes for the shot. I just, this week, came across the original photograph that the photographer, a friend, gave me as a memory of the day. It is loaded with memories and of Bill enjoying the day but also not able to be very present because of his various forms of dementia. He died 7 months later. Here is the link again to the piece about how losing our spouses is like losing home.

http://widowisland.wordpress.com/2013/04/26/once-there-was-a-way/

[mfh]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-kessler/grief-and-grieving-boston_b_3133885.html?ir=GPS+for+the+Soul

"Our grief is as unique as our fingerprints."

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

You are a fountain of unending love and compassion, of caring and comfort.

We are so very rich for having you here with us.

I hope you and Bentley are having some quite space today, and that you can pace yourself as you bring your home back and make it "yours" for your life as it is now. Remember to take rest breaks, dear one.

I am off to forage for breakfast.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Painters are here. I am leaving shortly to go shower at a friend's home, then get some lunch, and then go to another friend's daughter's concert (a 21 year old gal who sings classical like an angel). I am hoping the painters get coat 1 on the kitchen and bathroom before they leave but I have growing confidence that this will be over Friday. Next weekend....order returns.

Glad you are taking it easy this morning and let the godchildren do the work today...you can supervise

[mfh]

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief

Sometimes grieving feels like scaling a mountain. It's exhausting, arduous work. Just when you think you've reached a plateau, another peak comes into sight. Sometimes you have to rest and can't go another step and then comes a day when you start climbing again. You can't rush the journey.

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you.

Perfect metaphor.

fae

[kayc]

How true...no way to speed it up or circumvent it, it just goes it's own pace like it has a mind of its own.

[enna]

I think over time we all learn that the 'journey' cannot be rushed. Thank you for the quote and picture, Mary. Beautiful.

A qutoe in the picture below is one I wish to share with all of you.

[kayc]

That is so like you, Anne. Always thinking of others, thank you.

How did your day "off line" go?

[mfh]

Anne, I love the quote and the purple. I like purple and lime green. I like color.

Kay and Anne, I agree...we can't speed grief up...can't push the river though I am guilty of trying too often...it does not work.

Peace and love

Mary

[mfh]

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief There are certain times of the year, certain days that might feel extra raw for you. You can expect to be more sensitive, more prone to tears, more irritable. It could be a wedding anniversary, the time of diagnosis, a birthday, an angelversary (or departure day). See these times as a chance to revisit your grief and deepen your attachment to your loved one. Use the time to give yourself permission to feel your pain and permission to honor their amazing impact on your life.

(I also think there are times and days totally unrelated (on the surface or not) when our grief is tripped off...we practice self compassion by acknowledging and honoring that pain.)

[enna]

Oh, I do not like pain. I don’t even like the word. It would be nice if we could exchange the word pain to maybe joy, comfort, pleasure, elation, delight – there are so many other words that I would rather focus on! I know we walk this life now and any little thing can set us off. Today it might be a card found in an unread book and tomorrow it might be walking down the cookie isle and seeing the package of pecan sandies. In my own mind I will always think about the gift it is to have known someone like my Jim. Others I’m sure can recite hundreds of funny, uplifting facts about our loved ones. Today I am thinking of the amazing things that Jim and me had going on with each other – tomorrow I may be down in that deep hole I find myself in without any warning! Pain – I guess it is part of our living now. How sad. Anne

Love the picture, Mary. Has spring finally come to Spring Green? Are you still a prisoner in your home? I can hardly wait for things to be back to ‘normal’ for you.

[kayc]

What you say here, Mary, is so aptly put! It is how it goes. And Anne, as you expressed it, that is our journey...one moment thinking of everything wonderful and the next engulfed in the pain of loss. Ahh we've come to learn to roll with the tides...

[mfh]

As much as I love these days of sun and warmth and have longed for them at one level, they increase the loneliness and sadness. People are talking about their trips, plans, camping days, etc. They are outside having the fun that Bill and I used to love so much. It is bittersweet. Everything is bittersweet...all of life. Trying to focus on the sweet!!

[kayc]

I know. I had a meeting with the music planning (for church) Sunday and they wanted to know who was going to be around this summer...it's sad to realize you have nowhere to go and no one to go with. Guess they can count on me all summer.

[feralfae]

Oh, Dear Kay,

You will have fun flinging flower seeds this summer, playing with Arlie, and if I decide to drive out that way, we can meet for coffee or tea or lunch or dinner, as soon as I figure out how to find you, which we can do with PMs.

I am still planning this drive first to Yakima to see Doug's one loving sister and my only link in the family to Doug. She is a dear, 13 years older than Doug, and her son, who is also Doug, named for Doug, is staying with them and on dialysis. It will be good and healing to see them all. So, if you are going to be around, maybe we can have dinner? I probably cannot come to your home, because I am really allergic to kitties. But I would love to meet Arlie, so we will see. Then I will be heading north to Whitehorse and on to Fairbanks.

It is feeling very alien to be planning to drive up the AlCan alone, and with no Doug waiting at the other end of the journey. It is okay, though and if, as time gets closer, I feel it is too much for me, I will fly up and rent a car to finish cleaning out the house. And if that is too much, I will hire someone to go clean out things and put them in storage. I am giving myself all the "outs" I can think of to stay out of too much emotional overload.

Time to go meditate.

Stay warm. I have turned on the expensive heat here, and have no fires going. I am on stay-cation, I think.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae, I don't have PMS, I already went through the change. That was supposed to be a joke!

You are brave, driving that far by yourself! If you do make it through Oakridge on a Fri/Sat/Sun DO call me! We have a beautiful park we can meet at. I'm sorry you can't be around cats! My BIL is allergic to dogs and cats and didn't want kids so my poor sister can't have anything! But she has him, so she's lucky in that at least (right now they're in Hawaii...I can't feel too sorry for them!)

Yep, pace yourself, do that meditation, rest, enjoy!

[mfh]

Yes, Kay...my late July and August will include 7 trips to Chicago for eye stuff and in September a family wedding out east which will be difficult and then one more trip to Chicago...between July 23 and September 25...it is all about eyes and family. I would prefer to be going to Door County with our bikes....you and I will sit this summer out, eh?

[mfh]

fae, so glad you have many back up plans. That is wise planning. I have had to back off some of my outdoor plans for the summer...which I know is a wise move also. That is one long drive up to AK....but glad you have flying as a back up plan...Nice!

Mary