mfh Posted April 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2013 Oh, I do not like pain. I don’t even like the word. Pain – I guess it is part of our living now. How sad! Love the picture, Mary. Has spring finally come to Spring Green? Are you still a prisoner in your home? I can hardly wait for things to be back to ‘normal’ for you. Anne, where would we be without pain? It is pain that causes us to grow and change. Now, I am not nuts about the level of pain we are all dealing with but in and of itself, pain does bring about growth...and with growth comes joy, insight, etc. I do see pain as a teacher...and I also see this gut wrenching pain, the loss of our spouses, as more than I ever knew existed. As for my house...I just put the new shower liner and old but clean shower curtain up. Put up a towel rack (I had him leave the holes) clean towels. I get to shower in the morning...in MY shower. I don't want to go further (rug on floor, etc) as my cleaning gal comes Thursday and I want to have her spend a lot of time cleaning the bathroom. She won't be able to get into the kitchen or Bill's office/guest room which is still filled with chairs etc. from the kitchen. But the living room and dining area can be dealt with. Maybe the art room if my friend comes before Thursday to put up blinds. Slowly but surely. The bathroom color looks good. And the geese that someone put on the wall are a memory...or a nightmare. When I went to buy trees today...the car thermometer read 82 outside...it is HOT!!! You can see AZ and I would never make it together. And don't tell me it is dry because after a summer there in 2000, all I felt was boiling hot. And with all those sprinklers going (in a desert???) and swimming pools and golf course sprinklers...lots of water in the air there What happens when AZ runs out of water? The Colorado River is going dry... It will take a long time for us to empty Lake Superior and Lake Michigan...on the other hand. I think I am feeling wacky today. The chaos finally got to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 30, 2013 Report Share Posted April 30, 2013 Anne, where would we be without pain? Comfortable? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted April 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2013 Anne, I knew your humor would result in a fun answer. And you ARE right Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation Widowed people are often told that they are "strong." Those same widowed people (me included!) have a tenancy to push that word away, to be unwilling to own it. Here's the thing. If you are widowed and you are waking up every day living your life carrying the weight of grief on your shoulders with every step you take...you are strong. You may not feel strong, you may wish you didn't have to be strong, you may have weak moments that others don't see...but carrying that weight builds emotional muscle. Own your strength, it has been hard-won.~mnh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 1, 2013 Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 Thank you Mary, that is a good point. We are very strong. We are here, going on. And we have courage, too. To stay and face tomorrow alone. I think we also have faith, and that is the best strengthener of all, I think. That was Kay who quipped "Comfortable?" Kay, that was the perfect riposte. I laughed. Good one! Much Love All, *<twinkles>* fae, munching her GF, high-Pro cornbread. Yum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 Sorry, Anne. Kay, good one. Anne, it could have been you for you also have a great sense of humor..even in the pain you are in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 1, 2013 Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 Mary, Where you are going for your eyes, in Chicago, is it close to where your brother lives? Will you have someone with you and to care for you? I know you will, but just checking. You have a lot of traveling to do. I mean a lot of trips. Going to Alaska may be my only trip this year. I hope to do more, but I am trying to be more aware of the rest I still need. One reason a birding mosey up the road seems a nice, soft way to do this trip. I am glad you are having your eyes cared for, just wish you did not need to do so many trips. Pace yourself. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 1, 2013 Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 Dear Anne, How are you doing? I am sending love and compassion, knowing that this is a time of shadowed days for you, dear one. As you walk these days, I hope the tears will fall freely, healing and cleansing some of the pain from your heart. I will be checking around here for you each day, to see how you are doing. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 The MD is in the south west suburbs and my brother is 20 minutes away and will be going to the hospital with me. He will be around if all goes as scheduled. I could stay down there but I do not enjoy being there that long so I will get a bunch of books on tape and make the best of it. I would rather drive the same number of miles on a trip than back and forth, back and forth. The suburb is Olympia Fields (near Flossmoor and Homewood). Near where I grew up after age 10. Previous to age 10 we were on the north side of Chicago near the lake. Thanks for checking. I do miss Bill going with me...I am not a good patient as I have very little experience with the medical world and honestly my eyes are a point of real vulnerability...they saved me many times in my childhood. As the time approaches I find myself getting more anxious and it is almost 3 months off so I will welcome September. I don't allow it to enter my mind much. The books on tape really shorten the trip. I was going to take Bentley with me but I decided it best not to given he would be in a strange place and I would be gone a lot. I trust this woman...totally trust her. Thanks, fae Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 1, 2013 Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 Thank you Mary. Ah, okay, sounds as though you have a pretty good plan lined out. Good for you. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 1, 2013 Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 I am glad that you are keeping Mary straight, fae. I would have no doubt said that same thing Kay said only she beat me to it. You asked how I am doing fae - I am doing ok. At this time right now there is a peace over me that I am just enjoying. I had a good time away from the social media on Sunday and found a sense of peace. I did not mind being in my own thoughts. I did not mind spending more time outdoors than in. I am going to try to accept this pain I am sometimes in and own it - like Mary advises. Today I had a visit with my HOV grief counselor and she said that there seemed to be something different with me! I told her that I think I am finally learning how to live as a widow. I am so grateful for so many things that it is just the way I want to be. I don't like the pain, Mary, but I will learn to accept it. I don't like doing things as a single person when I have for forty years been always partnered with Jim. It is a pain that can't be seen because it rests deep in the heart as so many of you know. She will visit with me two times in May. Before the anniversary and again after to see how I am doing. We will have one more visit together before she releases me to fly on my own. She says I am ready. I shall miss her but as we both know - I shall do just fine. This is the single most helpful thing I did when I called HOV and told them that I would like to take advantage of their program for spouses who have lost a soulmate. The guidance has been amazing and I am so grateful for her kindness and loving care of me as a person. She is concerned as I am about my dx. I see the team tomorrow! More on that later. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 I am glad that you are keeping Mary straight, fae. I am going to try to accept this pain I am sometimes in and own it - like Mary advises. I told her that I think I am finally learning how to live as a widow. I see the team tomorrow! Keeping me straight, eh? Hmmmm! Accept does not mean like. It just means that you accept it as real. Accept means: Consent to receive (a thing offered). That is it...I think you already do that. Let us know what the doc says tomorrow. I still wish you had someone going with you on at least some of these trips. Sleep well. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 1, 2013 Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 Dear Anne, I will be checking in here today to see how the day goes for you. Mary, remember to PACE yourself. It is 9:15 here, and I am still in bed, after getting up at 3 AM when the wind storm blew through and set everything to rattling and banging, even the patio chairs and table. Whew! Quite a wind. I threw on some jeans and shoes and went out to reposition things from the wind blowing around. Very brisk and cold, but invigorating. But it woke me up, wide awake, so I finally got back to sleep around 5 AM. Fortunately, unlike most days, physical therapy is this afternoon, not this morning. We will all have a good day today. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 1, 2013 Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 Anne, when do you go in today? Please let us know how it goes! fae, glad you survived the wind, sounds like quite a storm! Mary, I'm glad you'll have someone with you when you go. Try not to worry ahead about it, remember, stay in the present and enjoy your summer...worrying won't change the outcome anyway so you might as well enjoy what is today. But I understand you'll breathe a sigh of relief when it is over, that is how we are! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 1, 2013 Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 Try not to worry ahead about it, remember, stay in the present and enjoy your summer...worrying won't change the outcome anyway so you might as well enjoy what is today. But I understand you'll breathe a sigh of relief when it is over, that is how we are! Oh, Kay, wise words! Staying in the present is so difficult some days. I know I look around, think of all I need to do, think of my life, where I will go, what I will do, who I will be, and it all overwhelms me. Then I get scared, afraid I will make a wrong decision. I am so glad to have this fire and Tribe to share, talk things over, learn from what others are doing -- and Not doing! -- and trying to make good decisions that will help me find balance in my life again. Ann was so right about learning how to be a widow. It is a huge shift. Even with all the reading, counseling, and sharing, some days, it just feels as though I am losing my balance on a high wire, and going to fall off the world. Waking up in the night with things banging on the side of the house, turning on all the lights, going to the door, peering out, and seeing chairs knocking against the house ... noises in the night were Doug's job. Our whole lives are so completely different now. I have no idea why all of this is bubbling up and spilling out today, but goodness! I am so overcome with tears! It is good that I don't have any appointments for a few more hours. I simply cannot stop crying. I need to go find another box of tissues. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 1, 2013 Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 fae, that was me last night, I was overcome with grief last night and cried and cried, thinking about George's last weekend and how I was gone, and how I didn't know how sick he was, I just want him back, want to lay my head on his chest and feel his arms around me one more time...ahh but that's how it is and it hits when we least expect it. I am pretty good at staying in the present in the daytime or evening, but it's at 3:00 in the morning I can "worry around the world" and anything can/does overwhelm me. I worry what if the roof leaks or my car breaks down or my house catches on fire or I get old/alone (like I'm not already?), or what if I have a stroke, who would take care of Arlie, what about my job, yada yada. I need an anxiety pill by my bedside just in case I wake up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 "Mary, I'm glad you'll have someone with you when you go. Try not to worry ahead about it, remember, stay in the present and enjoy your summer...worrying won't change the outcome anyway so you might as well enjoy what is today. But I understand you'll breathe a sigh of relief when it is over, that is how we are!" Kay, that is what I am doing...ignoring the anxiety so it does not build but I know it is there...hard sometimes to sort out all the feelings...they overlap so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 Well, it sounds like between Kay, fae and me...we are keeping Kleenix, Inc in business this week. I wonder sometimes if I had kept all the tears I have wept since Bill got sick, how many gallons I would have filled. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 1, 2013 Report Share Posted May 1, 2013 I wanted to use the image extension but I guess we can't so I'm sending the quote as a thumbnail. All of us are on this grief journey and I think Deepak's quote is right on. The more we own the pain and feel the pain and go beyond it I'm sure we'll see something special waiting for us. Tears are good. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 2, 2013 Report Share Posted May 2, 2013 Thank you Anne, that is beautiful, and Congratulations once again. Lovely news on your visit to the cardio people. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2013 I wanted to use the image extension but I guess we can't so I'm sending the quote as a thumbnail. All of us are on this grief journey and I think Deepak's quote is right on. The more we own the pain and feel the pain and go beyond it I'm sure we'll see something special waiting for us. Tears are good. Anne Yes, Anne. I do like that one...you knew I would. I find crying so helpful to release the pain and the tension that builds up with it. I cried back and forth to the next town today (errands) and felt better when I got home. What do you mean by the image extension? I have pasted pictures (jpg) into posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2013 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-johnson/self-trust_b_3186153.html?utm_source=Alert-blogger&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Email%2BNotifications One of the adjustments we are going through with the loss of our spouses is we no longer have that person with whom we were interdependent...we are on our own. This piece is about trusting ourselves...and I believe it is relevant as we not only grieve our loss but search and try to figure out who we are alone and where we are going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2013 Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief Grief will surprise you. You might think that you're doing better and then suddenly dissolve into tears with virtually no warning. Perhaps a song, a smell, a memory triggers you to sorrow. Know that no matter how many years have gone by, you will occasionally have these grief 'bursts' that take your breath away. So intentionally breathe deeply and let it be. See it as another way to connect to your loved one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2013 Jan just posted this on Facebook...even on a day of pain, she is acknowledging the good in our lives. I hope it is ok, Jan, that I copied this to here. Jan Crowther shared Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation's photo. You can choose to see the good in your life today. Right now, mixed in with the painful parts of your life, is something that matters. Find it. Hold onto it. Call it by name. Every time you want to give up, repeat the steps above.~mnh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 4, 2013 Report Share Posted May 4, 2013 My quote for today. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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