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Dear Jan, I know it feels like you are exactly where you were when Pete died...but I also think that is impossible. You have come through a storm of pain, flood, tsunamis, tornadoes of agony....those things change us and though you might not see the changes or feel them right now...I would bet my house that you are not in the same place. I do understand you feeling best at home. I like being home and part of what I miss when I get caught up in old ways is not being home....alone. I am glad your counselor is coming. No he can not turn the clock back but he can listen and listen. A time for you to just talk about Pete, your pain, your emptiness and your feeling that you are in the same place.

Peace

Mary

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Jan, our progression is not noticed by us because we are in it...it takes an observing eye to notice the changes because sometimes they're so subtle. But I'd bet you are not at the same place you were the day he died. We adjust little by little, it's our bodies' way of surviving. We could not take the intensity of that first day, week, month if it were to continue like that. I understand wanting to be in your home, I do too...too much probably. I know I can't stay here forever, I'm getting older and won't be able to keep it up financially or otherwise as I age, but for now, I enjoy where I am. Our home is not the same without him in it, but I think Arlie did as good as he could filling his shoes, he's a lot like him in ways, full of zest and life, doting and loving.

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"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others."

- Solomon Ibn Gabriol

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Ahh we need a "like button"!

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Wow what a quote. And Mary and Kay thank you. My counsellor came and I told him I thought I was in the same place and he advised me to read back in my journal. But I'm not going to do that because I can't stand to read that pain. He said he sees much difference in me but I just think I am able to mask my pain when with others.

I'm in the living room of our daughter's house nw preparing for sleep on a blow up bed. Little Ellie was so so pleased to see me which was nice. Here until Tuesday.

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Jan, I hope you enjoy your stay. I can't wait to have grandchildren! (My son says a couple more years...we'll see).

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Jan, I am glad you talked to your counselor. I hope your visit goes well. Kids are such healers...kids and dogs.

I doubt you would have been able to mask your pain as well a few months ago. I see changes in your messages and emails...I see strength and I see you sharing a lot more than way back. I think the changes we experience are sometimes very small. I remember the first time many many months ago when I caught myself humming and another time when I did not cry for a whole day for the first time. small changes but they matter. It is happening....Jan.

Peace

Mary

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Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief

Grief will burst into your life when you least expect it. As time goes by, as you heal, even then grief will continue to burst through. No matter how many years go by, these bursts will come and go. Rather than dread them, see them as an invitation to go a little deeper with your growth. See them as a chance to revisit your feelings and recognize anew how love has deeply touched your life. And then, watch the burst move on.

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I need another "like" button here!

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I am so close, I may look distant.

So completely mixed with you, I may look separate.

So out in the open, I appear hidden.

So silent, because I am constantly talking with you.

Rumi

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It is International Woman's Day today, March 8...celebrated at a time when women's right to be honored and respected is once again in the hearts and minds of all who care. I came across this post on FB and thought of all of us on this board especially the men who have lost their soulmates...the last three lines tell us what you have lost. In some way this could be converted to a statement about we women here who have lost our men..for we too have lost our "our arms and legs and head..husband (partner), lover-confidant, Lifelong Bosom Friend...

Some say that a woman is for sleeping with

Long winter nights..

Some say that a woman is for play-like

Like a sexy dancer on a green harvest ground

To make her dance with nine-castanets…

Some say she is my spouse..

Some say she is the spiritual debt

That I carry around my neck

Some say; she’s the one who leavens my bread,

Some say; she’s one who gives my children birth…

She’s neither this nor that, not a sexy dancer, not a spouse, not a debt, none of that!

She is my arms and my legs and my head..

My mother, my wife, my sister, my lover-confidant

She is My Lifelong Bosom Friend...

~ Nazım Hikmet

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Rumi says:

Don't run away from grief , o soul

Look for the remedy inside the pain.

because the rose came from the thorn

and the ruby came from a stone.

On Facebook this morning.

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Dear Mary,

Thank you for a bit of Rumi this morning! What a wonderful way to begin the day, and an idea to meditate about this day.

Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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You are welcome, fae. I am sort of a quotation "addict" among my other "addictions" (passions): nature, spirituality, reading, painting, Bentley and of course, Bill, to name a few :)

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Death is the new reality that we all have to come to grips with. It becomes a part of who we are now. My quote comes from William Mather Lewis:

The abundant life does not come to those who have had a lot of obstacles removed from their path by others. It develops from within and is rooted in strong mental and moral fiber.

-- William Mather Lewis

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Yes, it does...it happens every single morning.

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"The problem is that weariness is far worse than anger. Far more stultifying than mere indifference. Weariness comes from a soul whose hope has been disappointed one time too many. To be weary is not a condition of the body -- that's tiredness. No, weariness is a condition of the heart that has lost the energy to care anymore." Sister Joan Chittister

I posted a piece by Joan Chittister today (on Facebook) about the new Pope. In it she said the following referring to Catholics and went on to say what has made them weary. The definition she gives for the word 'weary' seems so appropriate for how many of us feel or have felt in regards to our loss, especially when losses keep coming or when life continues to put challenges on our plates. It just felt too powerful a definition not to share here. This also tells me why it is so important for us to share our weariness, our sadness, our sorrow...because others can help lift us up out of that feeling...help us to gain the lost energy back. A rising tide lifts all ships....kind of thing.

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I often wonder how you find the time to find all of these appropriate quotes...I am thankful that you do. I understand her application of the word "weary" and it is significantly different than "tired". Yesterday I felt so tired, still recuperating from illness, having been through so much stress lately with Arlie and my job and my mom...my mom was in the hospital having her battery replaced in her pacemaker...at 91 years old, I was a little scared, but she came through okay. So yesterday I let myself rest all day and had a friend over for dinner. Today I'm tackling everything I should have done yesterday but taking a break to meet another friend for lunch...this one is very dear to me and she's been in the hospital all week with her heart...they can't do anything for her except increase her medicines and I'm very concerned, I don't want to lose her. You know, it kind of sucks being this age! Nothing prepares you for all of the losses and changes...

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Kay, I agree...we think we are prepared for losses and I do feel more prepared now more than ever....so many here have lost close people lately and pets and so many of my friends and acquaintances have died so I do feel more prepared but are we ever really totally prepared. I doubt it.

I have a lot of "subscriptions" to various websites. The quote on weary came to me because i get the column from NCR in my email. Free. I also "like" a ton of sites on Facebook and read read read read read.... BUT I am not working right now....except for a couple of hours a week and hopefully in the fall that will rise to about 5 but no more. So I do have time but I often times spend more time on line when I could (note: not should) be doing things like more purging of the house...which is underway. The painter was here and will be painting in April. I can't wait to to have happen.

As for Arlie, I would think he might have a couple symptoms because he did ingest that stuff but I would trust the vet....is that vet at the same place as the woman vet? it sounds like two different places. I am just thinking that if they are at different places and you begin to get scared about Tim being right or wrong, perhaps another opinion with that gal would help..for the sake of peace of mind.

Keep us informed.

Peace

Mary

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They are both at Delta Oaks in Eugene, about 60 miles from here, but once a week she comes to Oakridge and has a little clinic here for the locals, it's about 8 miles from here. He listened to his heart beat, asked questions, saw how he was feeling and acting, etc. plus looked at his stools, so I trust his assessment. If something changes in how he's feeling, I'll get him in again right away. I don't know when he lost his fur...I'd noticed a small patch on his tummy but just discovered the larger patch on his leg last night. I can only assume it's related as he's never lost a patch of fur before. Sometimes I wish they could talk!

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Dear Mary,

Thank you for "weary." Yes, it does fit my feelings much of the time, no energy to care anymore. I am trying to focus on finding the small, tiny,miraculous good things that happen all the time, and acknowledge and be grateful for them. I know I have so much for which I can be grateful, when I open my heart to let myself feel appreciation. But sometimes, my heart feels as though it is locked with a combination I cannot find in that moment, and I just ride it out, and let myself be miserable and weary for a while.

Thank you, and I am glad you are mostly "unemployed" right now, and able to share so much with us here. You are a blessing among blessings.

*<twinkle>(

fae

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Kay, I am glad that at least one day a week there is a vet nearby and good that the records are in the same place and that you trust his assessment. Remind me again when the 30 days are up. I will breathe easier when that day arrives....as will you. :)

fae, you are so close in time to losing the love of your life...that this feeling: "my heart feels as though it is locked with a combination I cannot find in that moment, and I just ride it out, and let myself be miserable and weary for a while." seems quite like normal grief. Our hearts have been torn asunder...why would we want to open them? This journey takes time...I used to try to rush it (and still struggle with that sometimes but not as often by any means). Most times I am content to be where I am planted. I am grieving. That's it. So are you. So is everybody here. I am happy to share what I am able to share. You also share a great deal...reaching out constantly to others.

Peace,

Mary

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