Don't Want To Get Too Close

[Miss Ngu]

I know this won't sound good, and it's just the way life is...but...now that my mother has died, and my 81-year-old dad's health is failing, I realize that I don't want to get too close to too many people. I have no energy to deal with their lives -- and then -- ultimately -- their deaths. Taking care of my dad while he has been ill these past few weeks has been rough (as you caregivers know). If I continue to outlive him ('cause you never know when you time is up on the planet), I still have my husband to take care of and love -- until -- possibly taking care of him (like I did when he broke his back 5 years ago). This caregiving work is exhausting. I hate to admit it, because I know that it's important to me to take care of those I love, but I am Thankful that I don't have too many people that I will need to do this for.

[kayc]

I have been a caregiver so I know what you mean. At the time you can't look beyond today and it's enough just to get through that. As far as tomorrow and relationships go...leave that for tomorrow and try not to go there right now, you have your hands full. My best to you, I know it's hard to go through.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Kay, and thanks for your response. I hope the fires that were near you are out, and no longer a threat to you and you animals. I am looking forward to your next post regarding this matter, as my thoughts and prayers go out to you.

[Miss Ngu]

I want to run away from my life. All I feel is pressure and anxiety. I am SO sad. I have nothing left to give to anyone. I feel depleted. I want peace and quiet. My marriage, now, is even suffering. I sit in my bathroom and hide, just to get some space. It doesn't help that there is work being done to my house, and being at home is not (currently) a place I can get much relief during the daytime. I just don't have time for myself, and when I do, I'm exhausted. There are people who love life -- I am not one of them. Never was. Always felt that being human was a painful learning experience. Yes, I have been more "positive" in life as well, and can only say that "realistic" is more rational and reasonable to me. I am not really looking for an answer to my troubles -- just needed a place to vent.

[kayc]

Miss Ngu,

It is okay to sit in the bathroom and hide...from the workmen, from your dad needing you, from everything that is overwhelming to you in your life. I think we all feel like that at times, but most critically when you're a caretaker, as that is indeed an exhausting role. I used to think they were nuts when they said to join a support group...and who takes care of the ill person while you're off attending a support group? Like it's easy to get away. Like there'd even BE a problem if only you could get away. I felt if I could get away, it wouldn't be to a support group, it'd be alone in the woods near a body of water where I could just breathe and "be". I wish you had someone to relieve you so you could take some "you time", it sounds like you could use it. Do you have a sibling, neighbor, friend, church, hospice, anyone to call to give you some respite?

Remember to breathe.

The workmen will be done soon and go away, and maybe when it's just you and your dad again, it'll be a bit easier, maybe when your dad is sleeping you can have a break? Let all of the rest of the world go on...you just need time to breathe.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[niamh]

I'm sorry Miss Ngu, I can totally relate to wanting to run away from life. I used to absolutely love life and even when things went wrong I would always think that everything will turn out for the best but I can't believe that anymore now I just have to trudge through everyday, looking forward to sleep time at night when I can "forget" everything. Just know you're not alone with your feelings.

big hugs and love to you

Niamh

x

[blujonny]

Hi Miss Ngu, I just felt I had to say my thoughts go out to you regarding what you're going through right now. I know it must be hard to feel like you take the world on your back sometimes and yet you have no control over what you feel at the same time.

Blujonny

[Miss Ngu]

Thank you for your posts:

Kay - Thank you for your support. I truly appreciate it. I have gotten a little bit of a respite these last few days. Actually got a full day with no workmen -- and -- my dad was able to be at his apartment alone. I remembered to breathe and relax. I also found that, for me, my anxiety is accumulative. What I mean is, even after a nice, peaceful day on my own, all that has to happen is a phone call from my dad to snap me back into stress. Yes, I have a bit more patience from having some time off, but, just the phone ringing itself gets me irritated. Shows me that there isn't really enough "recovery" time for me to not be triggered so rapidly. I'm not sure I am explaining this correctly. It's like...where I live...it rains A LOT (about 150 inches per year - no kidding). It can get on your nerves. Then -- a sunny day comes along -- maybe even two -- but when that rain starts up again, it's like it never stopped. Anyway...thank you again for your understanding and comfort -- and your wonderful (((hugs))).

Niamh - You are always so helpful to me, and I am very thankful to you. Knowing that we are trudging through together gives me more strength knowing I am not alone. It is sad that we are aligned in these feelings, but so comforting to be able to be honest SOMEWHERE -- and to be understood and feel cared-for. I really want to feel happy again. Happiness might not ever feel like it did without my mom here, but, I would like to be less stressed-out and feel some sense of true happiness. I will wait for it to evolve, and hope that it does. I am very thankful to have kept most of my sense of humor -- off-beat as it may be sometimes, as it also offers a bit of relief. I also agree that sleep is blissful -- for me -- a little too blissful. I have to be careful not to "check out" and sleep to much, as to avoid life. Waking up to the reality of my best friend (my mother) being gone is still the worst thing about sleeping. Please know that your warmth, love, and hugs keep me going.

blujonny - Thank you for your response. I don't know that I always understand what you write, but I am thankful that you take the time to do so. Yes, it is hard to feel the weight of my world on my shoulders, and I don't always have control over what I am feeling, but Thankfully, no matter how I am feeling, I still have LOTS of control over my reactions to things and situations. I think it would be helpful to hear how YOU handle these situations, and give me YOUR insight, rather than telling me how I am feeling. Still, thank you for your thoughts.

Now that my dad is a bit more stable (most days), the load on me is currently a bit less. I know, however, that without my mom here, my dad can be quite a handful. I also know that forever (at least this lifetime, on this planet) truly does have an end, and the caregiving ends as well. And then...the missing begins!

An acquaintance wrote something beautiful to me about me missing my mother. He wrote, "I also know you have a great deal of your mother in you. Anytime you miss her, take a good look in the mirror. You may find her smiling back at you". Such sweet words. I am proud to be like her, and proud to be her daughter.

[kayc]

Anytime you miss her, take a good look in the mirror. You may find her smiling back at you".

I love that!

I understand anxiety all too well, I have GAD and am on medication for it. Sometimes the medication isn't quite enough but it helps. I do understand that a bout with a trigger is enough to make all the good you've just had feel done away with.