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it is one of those nights...it will pass but still be within.

running

how far can a soul run before she finds peace?

and if she runs, can she (will she) stop when she

discovers that peace does not exist out there?

how much pain can a heart experience

before it just stops pumping life

into a body that feels so dead, so empty,

so lost, so meaningless?

there are no answers to these queries.

so this soul goes on hoping

(most times against all hope)

that peace will find her;

that life won't hurt so much;

that the canyon in her heart will heal

just a tiny bit more, for she knows

it won't ever heal completely;

that her emptiness will be filled;

that she will find herself...again

and really believe (some of the time)

that peace resides within her own being

waiting to be found and

that there is nowhere to run.

4-9-13

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Mary, dear one,

Your words catch the very essence of sorrow, of grief, of loss, and of emptiness. I hope you are collecting all of these.

Your words pull my heart in to sorrow, then set me free, with the shared Oneness of these human energies, for then I know that we also share among us our joy, love of life, excitement, wonder, and delight. We celebrate and laugh together.

And we cry and wail together. We say goodbye together. We throw our energies into the ocean of humankind. And at the same time, we swim in those energies. Marvelous. Your words help us to accept and restore the balance to life, the time of the seasons.

I believe that your emptiness -- and my emptiness, and all our emptiness -- will be filled with Love, and whether from Bill, us, others, or yourself, your heart will fill to overflowing again, and you will dance in joy to be in this life. And you will feel Bill laughing in your heart, so that your own heart will make you laugh again.

I believe that for each of us.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Dear Fae

I'm not sure if it was in this thread or another, but I asked you to recommend a book on quantum physics and you recommended Fabric of the Universe by Denis Postle. When I saw that it was published in 1976 I thought hmmm will it be ok? Anyway I ordered it on Amazon and got a second hand copy for only £2.80 (practically free!) and it arrived today. It looks wonderful and I shall read it slowly and carefully.thankyou so much. Jan

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fae, you are an artist and your brushes are your words. I put my hands on many treasures in several rooms yesterday: art we purchased together; photos of various moments; gifts we gave each other; antique clocks-part of Bill's collection; a box of photos that demanded my attention before I put it away and even the books. It was a day of touching memories and today is more of the same....like a life review. My timing in doing this project leaves much to be desired...i.e. on the heels of a rough March and early April. I am good at creating monsters once in a while :) Waiting for my new dishwasher to be delivered so will use the time to put more memories in Bill's office and my art room, the latter newly painted, the former will wait.

mary

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Mary,

A beautifully written piece, I'm sure it was heavy on your heart as you begin the preparations for all of the changes. One thought came to my mind as I read it...I know there will be a day I will move to a smaller place as I age, and it won't have George's ashes for they're scattered here, and we won't have lived together there like we did here. This is the home he called "our home in the clouds" because it's on a mountain. This is the place we shared memories and life. But this is a structure, a piece of property. It can no more house the love we shared than it can dam it. The truth is, wherever I go, there will George be, for I am his home, not a building. It is I who inhabited him and our memories, so I can never lose him no matter how far I move. Still, visual structures and property symbolize all of the sharing we've done, so it's poignant to move and a hard adjustment for anyone transversing that change.

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Dear Mary,

Well, you are an artist, and your words of poetry are your art, too.

It sounds as though this redecorating is doing for you what such projects do for so many: stirring things up, on many levels. What an emotional journey you must be on as you sort through, touch, move, rearrange, and remember! And what a time of beautiful memories for you!

It is an in and out day for me here, as I make master sheets for cartons, continue to be transfixed by the beautiful portrait of Doug that arrived yesterday; both feeling love, and also a sense of memory, as though that embodiment was known and loved, but is no longer as fetching of emotional response as it once was for me. That was Doug then. He escaped from that non-functioning body. He was a magnificent Doug, but now he is spirit and as he said, it was just a body he wore and had a lot of fun in it, and Doug was just a body label. So, here in this portrait is another memory of that body label in that body, but it is not who he is now. He reminds me fairly routinely that he is not that body.

And I know that you know that Bill is there with you, dwelling with you in spirit and heart, love and compassion, and yes, he is watching you and also understanding the pain, the sense of loss, and the grief we agree to undergo as conscious beings when we take on these human forms. Whew! And I remember that even Christ had moments of feeling abandoned, angry, and lost while in human embodiment. It just goes with the role. Which does not make it a lot easier, but at least, when I can remember that spirit dwell in eternal joy, makes it bearable. And mostly, we are called to live in joy and celebration of the miracle and gift of life, I believe. I think here in this Tribe, we sort of get our training wheels under us as we learn to ride in joy again, much as when we were six and found our balance on a bike for the first time. :) We are all finding and practicing our new balance on these new unicycles. That is a rough metaphor, but I hope there is some resonance in it.

I hope you find time today to take a break from dishwashers, painting, moving things, and the tasks of the day to settle in for peace, meditation, and loving your precious and tender self for a while. You are so worthy of your own compassion and love, dear Mary.

I go to make more master sheets for cartons already taped and ready to go to storage.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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The dishwasher is being installed. This fellow installed the one that is in here as well as the refrigerator. Small town. We all get our appliances at the same place. Bill and I bought a lot of appliances from these guys (family run) and the owners (brothers now) always sincerely ask me how I am doing. I saved yesterday's dishes in order to test it. Really I just did not feel like washing them. :) I agree, Kay. Home is Bill and this house and the things in it are symbols of him, of me, of we. Actually the time we had together here is filled with painful memories. We moved in May 09. Bill died 11 months later and the last 11 months (and some previous to that) were the toughest. But his spirit is here. Our final good-byes are here. Our love is here and wherever I go...like you. It goes with me. I hope to go out of here directly to the cemetery where Bill's body is buried. But who knows what life has in store.

Do let us know when you get test results. I am so sorry there is yet another threat to your fur babies.

Mary

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Dear Kay,

Thank you for an eloquent and insightful statement of what home means, and on the other hand, what a house can mean. We loved this place with its dramatic, panoramic views, its wildlife, and its peace and privacy when we moved out here. While the view remains, the close comfort is gone, and so, it is time.

I know it will not be easy, and I am trying to honor the sense of loss in my heart every day, but I know that I, like you, will take with me the love, memories, and images, the feelings and emotional upwellings, that are sparked by those memories and images. Material things and places do not bind our love: it is bound to our hearts.

Thank you for your insights and groundedness.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Thank you, Anne, for sharing that article...I shared it with my FB friends. When, at 1:00 am I couldn't sleep, I wish I'd gotten up and come here, it seems some others of you were up too, I could have used that article then! :)

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I think I posted about Arlie last in the Positives section. Although it didn't sound/feel very positive last night. :( Waiting on pins and needles for the results of the tests...

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fae, yes actually picking up so many items, each one with mindfulness and presence, is a journey in and of itself...but it is ok. the walls are now bare, the dishwasher installer is busy at work, the treasures are no longer in this space....it is strange..as if I am moving but I am not. I have always suggested to women clients that we are nesting creatures. when we move from one place or state of mind to another or deal with loss we need to make certain our nest (our home) is in order and reflecting who we are before we can fully give ourselves over to our interior, to the internal nest...that our soul longs to fill. So, I am nesting here...creating a space for me...so I can continue my journey through grief and life and the tomorrows of my days here. I plan to take my time putting it all back together and once done, i will look at the bedrooms (which I am not doing right now) and my office....and see what changes I need to make in those rooms for now. I will get carpets cleaned also. There are lovely maple floors beneath the carpet but when we moved in and tore up the old carpet Bill was fearful of slipping on the wooden floor or tripping on an area rugs so we put carpet down. Someday, I will tear it up and get the floors sanded.

I agree with you, fae, Doug and Bill and all of our beloveds are pure light, star stuff, energy, consciousness now. the shell we call body is what died...and our lessons include grieving and celebrating what we had and in many ways always will have. You are packing, I am painting....change, change, transition. And yes, Christ had his moments of loss, betrayal, rejection...as we all do. On the other side I believe we continue to grow but because we will have new eyes, I am hoping the lessons will come with greater ease than they have here. We shall see. Peace to your day, Mary

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Mary,

Your home sounds lovely, and the changes a reflection of what is going on inside of you. Maple floors, how beautiful that'd be!

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I forgot Arlie was part Golden...so you know the draw towards people :) I will still try sometime to lure him or order him away from people

Thanks, Kay. I am moving books and taking a much needed break. The house is 60+ years old but a great house. The location leaves something to be desired. We bought it when we needed Bill to be close enough to the main drag to walk to the General Store for coffee, etc. The road in front is fairly busy and on one side of me is an building that has been converted to a shop. The good news is that that building and the arbor vitae in the back yard gives me a lot of privacy.

Back to the book moving.

Mary

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Mary

My mom's house had beautiful hardwood floors, so I appreciate that. Mine is just a 35 year old mobile home that's seen better days, but it's in great shape except it needs painted and new carpet, but at least no rot and everything works, new hot water heater, dishwasher, etc. What I love about it are the extra little touches...the marble floor my son put in in the circular kitchen, the sponge painting the kids and I did on the kitchen walls (plus painted the cabinets and added china knobs). Also, my kids' dad was handy at woodworking and he built a huge linen cupboard over the toilet in the master bathroom, and we took out the garden tub in the same and put in shelves ceiling to floor in that spot with double clothes rods in front of the shelves and mirrored doors, so it's a great storage closet and will house every size I've ever been! :D He also built a HUGE built in bookshelves in the living room, has all my books on prayer, etc. He also made a handy shelf in the utility room to hold hangers and stain removers, etc. And another shelf in the laundry room to hold paper sacks. Those are the things I'll miss about the house. Over the years we added a wood stove and an oil one. I don't use the oil one because it's too expensive and the guy that repairs it comes from two hours away so I hate to depend on it. But it's nice having that choice. One of the things I love the most is the 30 1/2 ft x 14 ft covered patio...it overlooks the hillside and I hang potted flowers all across it in the summer, plus my hummingbird feeder. George loved those flowers. And my son built a brick wall that encases my apple trees, behind the garage, he spent a whole summer on it when he was just a little boy. We've planted trees there and my son, again, as a little boy, built our circular driveway, by hand with nothing but a shovel and some rock. It's the extra touches that mean so much.

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Kay, your home sounds like a piece of heaven to me. Huge deck overlooking the countryside, apple trees, a creek nearby I believe...and all the personal touches inside. We both hope we can stay put until we die but probably we won't. Longevity runs in my family. Mom was a couple of months from 100 and except for a shakey memory...short term but not horrible...was in great health, no meds, no surgeries..until she broke her hip and fell. I tend to have her body type so the chances of my living long, with my history are pretty good...though I have no desire to go to 100 except my curiosity as to where this planet and technology and saving our earth and more goes in the next 27 years. Otherwise I am ready whenever....

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I'll have to sell when I can no longer work because I can't afford my house payment and property taxes (Oregon is one of the highest because we have no sales tax) on social security. But that's okay, I've resigned myself to that. I already have an idea of where I want to live.

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Wow Kay I can't imagine a mobile home like that. In the Uk we call them caravans though the trend is to calling them mobile homes but they are pretty small, a living room cum kitchen a bathroom and two bedrooms. I think mobile homes in the States aren't very mobile? As for me I live in a 1935 house which started as a basic corrugated iron shack and gradually grew and got covered in cedar wood. And we love it. And Pete feels so near here. And I feel when I die I will haunt it and I hope he does just that. And because I still feel at home here despite his absence I think he does haunt it in a good way.

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This one is 24' by 64' it's a "double wide", no, it's not mobile. Once they remove the tung and tires (which they do right away) and put in skirting and a front porch and back patio, it's pretty much there to stay. When it's used it's usefulness, it'll probably be demolished and the debris hauled away. I saw that happen next door, it was pretty awesome to watch, gone in two days. They can dismantle it and move it but because of the expense, it's not worth it. It can run $12,000 to move a single wide, and they are way easier! Comes a point it's not cost effective.

An iron shack, huh? I haven't seen a building made out of iron! My garage is covered in cedar shakes and an aluminum roof. Alum. roofs last forever but mine has rust stains on it because it's about 50 years old, so not so sightly but it does it's job. I have a pole barn too that houses our travel trailer, winter supply of wood, and misc. equipment. That was erected in one day by my kids' dad, he was pretty handy. He cut down the trees himself, stripped them (ahead of time), and erected the building by himself, and put on an aluminum roof. It's been a nice place to live and for the kids to grow up. Someday it'll be time for another family to take their turn.

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I have heard it is costly to move those....

I can't live anywhere less expensive than here...lower mortgage than rent anywhere. Taxes bring it up to about equal. If I need to I will get a reverse loan down the road.

Time to make some dinner. I have over extended myself and will NOT go to the salad night. A group of women and we eat bring an ingredient for a salad...so it is never the same...and just chat. Nice group and different women, mostly, than I usually spend time with. But not tonight. See how good I am getting. :)

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Hey, good for you! So important to listen to what our bodies need. Last night I listened to myself and got out, which is opposite from usual, usually I guard my evening so totally! But my friend was having a jewelry party (all jewelry she has made) and she's selling to give herself spending $ for her trip home to TX and she'll be gone over two weeks so I wanted to go in support of her and just to get out. (Ended up buying some)

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I went to my history group last night. Not so difficult as the previous one which I drove back from in floods of tears because no Pete waiting for me with wine, only to find a power cut. This time no tears and no power cut. Just pretty numb. I volunteered for a couple of things. I suspect people are thinking "oh good to see Jan getting over Pete." How little they know! I'm pushing myself because I feel I should but I don't care in the slightest about the group. Never mind it's better to go through the motions isn't it? Today my dear friend and neighbour Sandra is coming round to help me clear out and reorganise a cupboard. Not Pete's stuff though everything here is our stuff. I feel the need to do some gentle clearing and I can't do it alone. Thank goodness for a dear friend. Kay I hope Arlie is showing improvement. I am thinking of him. Jan

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The moving kit from Uline arrives this morning by a big truck: it is a lot of cartons and even wardrobe cartons. Already, as I am sorting things, the house is feeling less occupied, although all the art is still on the walls or on the stands, until Nain comes to help me with all of it. It's funny to see how much I can live without while I am sorting and packing.

Kay, I hope Alrie is very much better today.

Jan, I am glad you went to history group. I keep doing things that are "normal" and sometimes, it helps me to feel a little more "normal." Tonight is my church committee, and I am actually looking forward to seeing everyone. You are right, though, that coming home and no Doug here to share with will be a little tough, I imagine.

Well, I must go move the car, and then move the tent project so that the pallets of moving cartons can be put into the space the tent is now occupying. But my beautiful stencils arrived from England yesterday, and the paints, so I now have everything in hand to finish the tent. Then the entire area can become a staging place for the packing and sorting.

I was blessed to find this house at auction, but pretty wrecked. Doug and I replaced the sub-floor, flooring, drywall, doors, some windows, and were always fiddling with something. Now it is a lovely home, but really too big for one person(3,600 sf). We filled it up, though. Two offices, library, guest room, our big master suite that we made out of two bedrooms and a bath, and had so much fun making it all.

I do know that I do not want to spend a summer here on the go-cart track with the free range dogs who run the poor does and fawns. I hope to be ready to move soon after I get back from Alaska. So, I am taking deep breaths and staying with this task when not otherwise working. I know I could hire packers, but I really want and need to go through things and observe this ritual of leaving this place, sorting Doug's things and the memories. even if takes me extra months to get it all done. And this place is paid for, so at least as long as I am here, I am saving on rent or mortgage payments. But the taxes and insurance feel like a mortgage payment sometimes!

Mary, I am thinking about you, going through a lot of the same sorting and memories, accepting the grief and cherishing the memories that are flowing. Your decorating sounds so lovely. At least this way, I can stop and cry whenever I need to do so, and not feel I am holding up anyone's work schedule. I imagine it is the similar for you, as we touch, hold, and contemplate memories. {{{hugs}}}

We had already sorted the library, and I have only one wall of books, so I plan to take them all with me wherever I go. They are my friends, and bring me much solace when I need to escape.

Blessings to us all this day, as we take another step, or half-step, on this journey.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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