It Never Ends

[ShanN]

My husband had another stroke. This one much more serious. He is a stubborn guy though and his fighting so hard.

I was in the hospital Saturday night and Sunday. I was so worried and stressed that I literally could not breathe and was hyperventilating I was dry heaving for about 10 mins straight and then really vomited and I was so shaky and extremely dizzy and short of breathe. My BP rose to 210/120 my my heart rate was above 120. I managed to call 911 barely able to speak. They got more BP meds on board in the ER and a lot of Ativan which I haven't taken in years. It took a while to get my breathing under control and my BP and vitals calmed down. I'm home now. Thank God I was able to make that 911 call on my own. I thought I was having a heart attack and was going to pass out.

As for my husband, I had to take care of myself and still need to because I don't ever want to go through what I did this weekend. He is obviously still hospitalized. I just totally fell apart when they called me with the news he had a stroke and worse. My issues happened when I came home from seeing him in ICU. It just all overtook me. Terrifying quite honestly.

So I'm on Ativan on top of my normal meds. And my Benicar was added to my Verapamil for my BP. But I will follow up with my PCP this week.

5 weeks is drawing closer... Anniversary of my Mother's murder. On top of coping with hubby's poor health.

[enna]

Dear Shannon,

I am so sorry that you are having your own health concerns. Please know that you are in my prayers. Prayers for both you and your hubby. I cannot imagine how terrified you are. Know that we are here keeping you in our hearts. Anne

[kayc]

Shannon,

How frightening that must have seemed! I'm glad your husband is in the hospital where he can get the care he needs. And I'm glad you got help with 911 for you. How are you feeling today?

[feralfae]

Dear Shannon,

My dear one, you are bearing more than one should ever need to bear. I, too, am glad your husband is in the hospital where he can get the care he needs, and that you are now beginning to get proper care for yourself as well.

And I can easily see how it all overtook you. Please do stay in close touch with your medical crew, at even the slightest little bit of any change that might cause you any worry. Err on the side of being overly cautious right now, because you are very tired, emotionally exhausted, and have the anniversary coming up, which we all know will not be an easy time, even just anticipating the date.

Be very gentle and compassionate with yourself. Be especially caring, and listen to what you need for your body to heal, and listen to what your heart needs to heal as well. Take the very best care of you. {{{hugs}}}

Much Love, and Blessings to you. I hope you can find some peace for your heart during these days.

Please let us know how you are doing.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[ShanN]

Thanks

I'm doing as well as can be. I'm scared. My husband doesn't even remember our anniversary. And he couldn't remember my name this morning.

My med dr raised my Seroquel, Lexapro, and Klonopin. So I'm pretty calm, and tired. Going to sleep now.

It's hard to even find words right now. My heart is very scared and very sad.

God Bless.

[feralfae]

Shannon, Dear one,

I hope you have a very good night of rest, and that through the fear and sadness, you can find some peace for a few hours. I hope you can get a really good night of sleep tonight.

I am tossing fairy dust to make you peaceful and sleepy, because I think you need some.

*<twinkles>* (toss,toss)

Much Love and Special Warm {{{hugs}}}

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Shannon,

Have you talked to the doctor about his memory loss? Is it due to the stroke? Is it likely to come back?

Try to remember that what was there is still there...what you've shared may seem beyond his grasp at the moment, but it is intact and will be there for both of you always.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[mfh]

Shannon, what a time you are having. I am so very sorry. I agree with Kay, you need information...the loss may be temporary or it might be drug induced. I hope you get answers and that you take care of yourself.

Peace

Mary

[ShanN]

Thanks Anne, Fae, Kay and Mary.

Leo's memory issues, confusion, agitation, and difficulty getting things out... He was beginning to have these symptoms before getting so ill. They are telling me things may improve some in time and rehab, recovering from his stroke activity. But also he does indeed have an early diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease. Drs knew the before his last two strokes.

I'm finding it very difficult to be with him, because he repeats things, he asks things that he should know, and he gets very confused and highly agitated. Which is just making my anxiety really high still. I'm trying to figure out what is his and our future going to be now? And where are my boundaries I need to set so I don't go off the deep end.

I spent 3 hrs today with him... And I'm thoroughly exhausted.

He is 52 1/2, I'm not ready to lose him. Not like this.

His Dad died so early from heart failure and he had Alzheimer's very early too.

[kayc]

Shannon,

My mom is a Dementia patient. I'd advise you to read, read, read up on it! The more you learn the easier it is to know how to deal with it. It takes a great deal of patience and compassion. It helps to understand their limitations. For instance, my mom no longer has the ability to reason, has no common sense, can't learn, and what she did know is going...it helps me to understand that because it makes a difference in how I respond to her. I can no longer respond to her like I might someone else. I've learned not to argue with her. I listen to her, try to reassure her and let her repeat herself. They can get going in loops. They can't help it. I think how frightening it must be for them at times, so I try to do what I can to put her at ease. She imagines things and thinks negatively; since I can't refute what she says, I try to reassure and listen to her. It's tough.

It helps to have someone else care for them when they get too far gone, 24 hour care is impossible as you exhaust yourself...you can't be awake 24/7 to make sure they don't burn the place down, etc. If you have someone to spell you, that helps. I have to work outside the home and our family decided it in my mom's best interest to have her in a Dementia Care Facility...in part because she won't listen to any of us and she was unsafe. She has to listen to them, it's a lock down unit. She would wander the streets, call 911, etc. yet balk whenever we tried to help her. She knows me some of the time but not all of the time. It comes and goes (her mind). She has good days and bad days. The bad days are tough. The good days we appreciate.

Please talk to his doctor at length about this, and also there are support groups, Alz. foundation, etc.

[ShanN]

Kay, it utterly breaks my heart that Alzheimer's has affected so many here and everywhere.

I knew you were struggling with your Mom. And that many here have lost loved ones this way.

It's ripping at my heart to see and hear my love going through this. He is on Aricept... But cautiously because of his heart, low BP, and COPD. And on so many other meds. Spent another 4 hrs with him today. It's hard because... He knows his sister, he knows his daughter... Yet he DOESN'T know ME!!!

He is in a rehab facility... I'm not certain how long he will be there. It need to be worked out care here at home so he will be able to be with me. I want it no other way. I will not give up on him as long as he still has breath in his body.

I'm sleeping with struggle with my heart so heavy and my mind that keeps going like the energizer bunny... But the increase in my Lexapro, Seroquel, and Klonopin is helping my sleep length.

But I'm just honestly so emotionally exhausted, I just feel like I'm tripping over myself just trying to breathe.

Seeing my therapist tomorrow. Thank God.

[mfh]

Shannon, I totally understand your desire to take care of your husband at home. I had the same desire with Bill who also had Alzheimer's. However, I was not sick myself. You have been and are struggling with your own health issues and I hope you will at least consider giving yourself a good break before you bring your husband home. Get your own health back to a large degree and perhaps get some sessions in with your therapist before you make big decisions. I took care of my husband at home and it took more energy than I had and since he died I have struggled to get my body back to good health. Just give it some thought. Sorry to sound like an advice giver but your road has been so difficult that I worry about you taking on something and then getting sicker yourself.

Peace, Mary

[ShanN]

Dear Mary,

No apologies... I so respect you and all advice you give. My heart goes out to you because I know you fought this with your love.

I think it is not my intention to have him home right now... It will most likely not be until April. It's going to take some time to really get the arrangements for help in his care when he does return. And I agree, I'm not emotionally or physically ready myself. Not with the panic attacks I've been having. I see the cardiologist tomorrow after my therapist. Am having a Holter monitor for the weekend. Because of my erratic heart rates and changes in ekg's and BP's.

[mfh]

I am relieved to hear that you are taking this slowly. Maybe leaving the door open even to May or June if you need that. I am glad your physical issues are being attended to and that you are seeing your therapist. Keep on keeping on. Good for you. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Having your loved one cared for in a facility is not giving up on them...it's wanting the best care possible for them, ensuring their safety, and considering your limitations and needs realistically. Each situation is different. I know if my George were in this situation, I would naturally want to be with him and taking care of him...but I also know there might come a day I might not be able to meet the needed requirements...he was a big man and very strong and I'm little. Also, if you have a good support system and people to spell you it can make a difference...I'm afraid it's pretty impossible without that.

I'm glad you are going to try to get your own health under control before such an undertaking. His needs to be under control too before coming home. Dementia in itself is one thing, but throw in the mix things like strokes or COPD, Pneumonia, anything like that, and it's too much for one person to handle alone.

I hope today is a day of rest for you and those medicines do their job.

[ShanN]

Today has been very much a rollarcoaster day of emotions. Guilt that I'm rather limited in caring for Leo. I'm his wife... His partner... His soul mate. I made vows to him, "in sickness and in health, in good times and bad... Till death do us part..." It's my job. And I'm failing him. I failed my Mom. I failed my Nana. I failed that unborn child taken from me when I was a teenager.

I have a heart monitor on me for the weekend. The cardiologist isn't happy with things.

I have limits... I also have vows to keep.

I'm just so conflicted.

[mfh]

Shannon, Leo made a vow to you also...in sickness and in health. But I know you are not saying he is guilty of not taking care of you when you need someone to care for you. Of course not. You are doing all you can and by allowing him to get the help he needs in a setting designed to provide that help...that is your best....i.e. you ARE providing for him. I know it is not the way you would want it but it is the best that can be done given the whole picture. I hope you will consider feeding yourself more positive messages..when those feelings of guilt come up...by doing that you will have more energy. You are doing the best you can do...no one can ask more.

Peace

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Shannon,

I second all that Mary just expressed so very well.

Did you do one good thing today? Yes, you came here to share with us, to let us know how you were doing, to be in touch. That is one good thing.

You took care of yourself.

You cared for Leo, even if not in the same house.

I know you are wearing a Holter, so here is a little story for you, my darling Shannon, to let your mind rest a few minutes...

I live in Helena, Montana, where I am an artist and consultant, human rights worker and generally rather goofy person. Now, I get to tell this good story to you, and I thank you for letting me tell it.

When I first came here more than twenty years ago, I was looking for a new art form. I wandered in to the Holter Museum, where I was met by the most charming woman -- tall , elegant, and well put together. She was entirely charming, and asked me if I would like a tour. For some reason, we did not introduce ourselves: I think because we were talking art.

We had a nice tour, talked about me having a show there some day, and I admired the work of local potters. There was a lot of really great pottery stuff! Amazing! It was only later that I found out the Archie Bray Center for the Ceramic Arts was here.

I picked up a lovely vase, and it slipped from my hands. As it was falling, the kind woman simply dipped down and swooped it up, and saved me from spending $500 I did not have.

"I'm a tennis player." she said. "And, you could make a donation," she said with a huge grin. Then she introduced herself. It was Jane Holter. She was the widow of Jeff Holter, who invented the device you are wearing. She was still grieving for Jeff, and she spent her days at the museum they had donated to Helena.

And that is how I know about your Holter! {{{hugs}}}

There. Now you have done one more good thing. You have let your mind rest a bit while reading the story.

Do this for yourself as often as you can. Even if you can do it only for a few minutes. Read a book, watch a film. Call the weather service for an update. Let your body relax and heal, and then you can do more. Draw one flower, with a pencil, crayons, or markers. Draw whatever you want to draw.

Now, please wear the Holter well, and keep it happy, by being as calm as you can, drinking lots of water and eating well, and taking care of you. Please take good care of you, and please keep us posted.

I send lots of love and {{{hugs}}} and I think you need some special *<fairy dust>*

*<twinkles>*

fae

[ShanN]

Thanks Mary... I know in my head you are so right, that I AM doing what he needs to be taken care of and that I hold nothing against him for not being able to take care of me. It's my heart, which I wear on my sleeve, that I need to try to keep convincing.

I did get a call earlier tonight... Surprised th heck out of me... Leo was on the other end, telling me he misses me, he wants to be with me, and he loves me. I mean not 3 hrs prior I was with him... He couldn't tell me who I was. I told him on the phone I miss him, love him so much, and it will be ok... I would see him tomorrow.

It certainly utterly breaks my heart that this is happening.

Fae... Thank you for bringing a smile to my face. Love the Holter monitor story!

I don't really like the monitor itself... It's impeding on my sleeping on my side. I have had 2 leads unattached a few times already. Frustrating when I want to sleep.

There is a "there's company" marathon on in a bit. I'm just leaving the tv tuned to TVLand and dozing. I absolutely love the show... Especially John Ritter... May he R.I.P.

Gnight. Hugs and love to both of you.

[ShanN]

Sorry...typo.... I mean "Three's Company"

[feralfae]

Dear Shannon,

I just thought I'd check back to see if you had been here, and thank you for posting and letting us know what is going on. So glad you have silly shows to watch and enjoy.

It sounds as though Leo is improving a bit. And tomorrow, when you see him, if you do, you will be cheered by that little improvement.

Peace to you and I am so glad to hear you are taking care of yourself.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[ShanN]

Thanks Fae,

I got "some" sleep last night. But this Holter monitor is such a pain in the rear!

I'm having a quiet morning, I've got a pretty good migraine settling in. So am resting with a cold pack on my head.

Going to see Leo later.

[kayc]

Shannon, You haven't failed anybody, you are a very caring giving person. We can't be faulted for what is beyond our ability, and right now you need to get YOU well! As for your mom, well, you were a child...if it was your child, would you fault her? Of course not!

How is Leo today?

[ShanN]

Woke up feeling weak, with a migraine, and my heart racing. Called my SIL and BIL and they took me to the ER earlier this evening. I'm not sick. But being affected by stress. My potassium and electrolytes were messed up. Bp was low. They gave me three bags of fluids. My BP finally went up. I was less dizzy when discharged. I have lost weight enough lately that my wedding ring is falling off.

So I took it off as I will be broken if I lost it.

Didn't see Leo today. But he is in more confusion again.

I'm home, tucked in and pushing water, and tea.

Attached is a pic my SIL took today of me.

[kayc]

So young to be going through so much. I hope you sleep well and tomorrow brings improvement to both of you. Goodnight!