In Darkness Comes The Light

[Wifflesnook]

Anne this is such a hard time for you, and we see you being so brave about it. Your stoical personality shines out from your postings. I bet you just see what you perceive as your weakness and we see your strength. This is such a hard thing for you to have to bear after years of caring for Jim and then losing him. I wish I could help in any way whatsoever but all I can do is say my love and thoughts are with you. I'm so pleased you re gojng for a second opinion and am hoping that it will help. Jan

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, you might find this helpful: Arizona Palliative Home Care ~ and the video:

http://youtu.be/bu92BKIa1ug

[mfh]

Anne, this video is describing everything you have said you wanted. I know tomorrow you see the cardiologist for a second opinion and then have some decisions to make based on input this week. I wonder if it wouldn't be wise to get a Palliative Care team in to assist you with the decisions as well as the care. Our book club (a couple of months ago) read and discussed Ira Byock's The Best Care Possible and each woman in our club was so impressed with what is out there now in terms of services to help patients walk through the muddle and confusion of our medical system. I surely wish I had known about it for Bill. I feel so stupid and even neglectful in hindsight. But getting hooked up with a PC team could surely lighten your load. BTW I do not recommend the book right now as it is just filled with case studies that are rather laborious even though educational. It was not an easy read with all the detailed case studies and more than you need to take on right now. But talking to some PC people is what you have been wanting to do so I hope Julie can direct you to the right group. Thinking of you tomorrow and wishing I was there to go with you...or someone to go with you. Peace and love, Mary

[enna]

Oh Jan - what a friend you have become and you do help me with my grieving of Jim and my learning to accept this heart failure one day at a time! Sometimes it's hour by hour.

Thank you , Marty, for the link and video. I have seen both and am happy that there are so many helps available to us today. If HOV's Palliative Care Team is anything like the Hospice Team then I know I'll be in good, very good hands when I decide that it is time to call.

Mary, I won't read The Best Care Possible by Ira Byock, but his book Dying Well sounds good. Of course I ordered it!

[mfh]

Anne, I have not read that one but glad you like what he has to say. Let me know how it is. His website has a lot of good info also. You order books like I do....just do it. Peace, Mary

http://www.thebestcarepossible.org/ Discussion guide for Dying Well

http://www.thebestcarepossible.org/ A list of articles...not sure if any apply.

[feralfae]

Dearest Anne,

I wish I were closer than Alaska or Montana to be more comfort to you. When you are better and the guest room is done, even if you cannot ride horses, maybe you can come for a week of healing time up in Montana. My schedule is in flux right now, but I just wish I could send more than {{{HUGS}}}, prayers, *<fairy dust>* and hope.

I am sending love, and also: I am not sure we need to call this heart failure; maybe we can call it heart repair. It is, after all, still working and has not failed you. It is just in need of a lot of repair. So, just to focus on the positive, I propose we call it heart repair. And I do not like the other word because it makes one feel that they have failed. When they told me I had nerve transmission failure, I told them I had nerve reawakening to do. Nerve repair. I am not done yet, but I am far beyond their expectations.

How about looking at the Chopra Clinic? Other options? Once I am home, I will have access to more resources. I totally agree that allopathic medicine is often in the dark ages.

I know this is so very hard for you: to be alive and to be told that you are in poor health, and no one is giving you much hope right now. Listen to your own spirit and follow your heart. I like the idea of a team of assistants to help with research, finding support, looking at options, and helping you along the way.

Anne, please follow your heart and take time to meditate and listen to the kindly, loving messages you hear whispering to you so gently and softly. You are, in the cosmic sense, very well connected to all the love and good of the Universe. I hope you know that. {{{HUGS}}}

I send you a great deal of *<fairy dust>* and love.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[ShanN]

Oh Anne,

I'm so very sorry to read that you have heart failure. My Leo had congestive heart failure. And drs said 10 yrs ago he would not live to see 50. He lived to 52. And when I say lived... He truly lived! But he had immense trouble accepting his illnesses as so serious and the restrictions and things he had to give up. I'm so lost in his very recent loss that I have so much I could type to you... Encouraging things... But words fail me. Other than to say, Drs think they know everything. They are not perfect. YOU have to give yourself time to accept your diagnosis, but try to not let the health care professionals dictate your future. Take one day at a time. And know you have strength to fight whatever each day brings.

((((((Hugs))))))) and love

[enna]

Oh my dear Shannon, my eyes feel with tears when I read the love coming from your words. You have been daily in my prayers and I do walk with you as you struggle to awaken to the loss of your dear Leo and your own very delicate health right now. It is more than enough that you focus on your own health right now and perhaps way down the line you and I can discuss congestive heart failure or as fae would like me to call it 'heart repair.' I accept your (((hugs))) and send them right back to you. Thank you and know you are in my heart.

Dear Fae, your warm invitation to visit you in Montana touched my soul. We have so many wonderful people at our 'fire' that I become overwhelmed by the genuine love offered. I really like your idea of 'heart repair' better than heart failure! It does make me feel that I have done something wrong by not taking care of myself!! I do not know why we find it easier to think in the negative rather than the positive.

Enough about me though - you are leaving tomorrow for Montana - please take it slow and give yourself rest. Stretching is important for you - when you tire - stop. I am glad that you will have chocolate with you - it is a natural healer, you know.

Mary, thank you for the links. I will go to them tonight. ps - to answer your e-mail - I did NOT have to call 911 today - now that IS a positive for me. One day at a time. I'm getting my questions ready for the consult with the cardiologist at Heart & Vascular on Tuesday.

[mfh]

Anne, so glad your vitals are stable today. I am sure you are thinking hard about the questions and concerns for your Tuesday meeting. I would think that once they see your test results you will want to know what they would do differently than the other place is doing and what they would recommend and why. I really hope this group has an approach that will be more effective and comforting for you. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday. Mary

[kayc]

Shannon, that is such a beautiful picture of the two of you! You are so sweet, thinking of others in the midst of all you are dealing with.

Anne, each day that your stats are good is a good day.

[enna]

THE GIVING TREE

Once there was a tree..... and she loved a little boy. And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the forest. He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples. And they would play hide-and-go-seek. And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. And the boy loved the tree.......very much. And the tree was happy.

But time went by. And the boy grew older. And the tree was often alone. Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said "Come, Boy, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and eat apples and play in my shade and be happy"

"I am too big to climb and play", said the boy. "I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?" "I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I have no money, I have only leaves and apples. Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy." And so the boy climbed up the tree and gathered her apples and carried them away. And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time.. and the tree was sad. And then one day the boy came back and the tree shook with joy and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and be happy." "I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy. "I want a house to keep me warm," he said. "I want a wife and I want children, and so I need a house. Can you give me a house?" "I have no house," said the tree. "The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house. Then you will be happy." And the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house. And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time. And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak. "Come, Boy," she whispered, "come and play." "I am too old and sad to play," said the boy. "I want a boat that takes me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?" "Cut down my trunk and make a boat," said the tree. "Then you can sail away...... and be happy." And so the boy cut down her trunk and made a boat and sailed away. And the tree was happy....

but not really. And after a long time the boy came back again. "I am sorry, Boy," said the tree,

"but I have nothing left to give you----" "My apples are gone." "My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy. "My branches are gone," said the tree. "You cannot swing on them------" "I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy. "My trunk is gone," said the tree. "You cannot climb--------" "I am too tired to climb," said the boy. "I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something------ but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump." "I don't need very much now," said the boy. "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired." "Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, "well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest." And the boy did. And the tree was happy.

© Shel Silverstein

We will all need to sit down and rest sometime in our busy lives. Be mindful today. And thank you for being my 'tree' as I plow through this health issue. I am going with fae's discription - 'heart repair' and not heart failure when I meet with a new cardiac doctor tomorrow.

[mfh]

Did you type the entire Giving Tree? Wow! It is truly a lovely book...and just as we are your tree...you are ours. Thinking of you as you mentally prepare for tomorrow's meeting. Mary

[kayc]

That is the most wonderful story, thank you so much for sharing it with us. It's a valuable lesson that sometimes all that we need is really right here, and sometimes we miss out while we are looking for that happiness.

Thinking of you today, Anne...waiting for your report. My prayers are with you.

[Wifflesnook]

Oh lovely story. And we are with you in spirit tomorrow and hope for a more positive diagnosis Anne. Jan x

[feralfae]

I love the GivingTree. I used to read it to my daughters when they were little.

Thank you Anne, and I hope your day is going well.

Much Love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

I thought this topic was a perfect place for this post...as I sit here in the dark at 8am...street lights are still on as are headlights...thunder rolls as it has all night and lightning flashes in the rain. I lost track a long time ago of how many days in a row we have had gray/dark/rainy days and it is even getting to me...who actually likes rainy days. This weekend is our annual art fair in the village, a HUGE event, one that Bill and I have attended since 1987. I purchased art here for our first clinic in Madison. The village counts on the income as do the artists. We all hope rain stays away. My friend/groomer has 3 feet of water in her basement with a rain gauge reading 11 inches and that was last Friday. And she lives on a farm...not near the river. It has rained daily since then. Lots of flooding around here. I plan to take a drive today as I have not been out of this house in too long. I have succeeded folks in creating what most people would probably call a normal schedule...i.e. I am home a LOT and wonder as I look back to the last 3 years how I kept going on a schedule based on fear. Still pretty frightening to be so alone so much. I do have a breakfast scheduled tomorrow with the new owner of my publication, Voice. She wants me to write a column for each issue. So I agreed and will name it: Living Well, Dying Well. That allows me to use my skills in many areas and not have the column focused on dying/end of life issues more than half the time. People are not nuts about the concept. I do see myself turning to my paints a bit more often...just making charts but needed charts that I have tried to get to for 3 years...mixes, glazes, etc. but actually looking forward to getting to my studio and to finishing paintings I started a year ago or more. It seems my new normal includes a ton of solitude so far. If I ever define a passion, that could change some but not before January. I have extended my self-created sabbatical by 5 months at least since it really only started in April. I am seeing three clients, all people I saw years ago who tracked me down and who are dealing with new concerns...loss included. I won't "officially" start back to work before January and maybe later. Who knows....First I MUST become more comfortable with the solitude I am creating. Fine line between solitude and alone.

Anne, I know this topic is one that you started, which is the other reason I posted here. You are on my mind today as you approach this new team. I am hoping some kind of new information that leads to effective treatment and management surfaces today. I know you are discouraged and frustrated and frankly I do not know how you could have avoided those responses to a situation as frustrating and frightening and complicated as this. Let us know how it goes today. I hope this new MD can hear you and offer something that is hopeful and comforting...even if it means a short hospital stay to re-do tests. I carry you in my heart. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Thinking of you, Anne, this morning as you see the doctor today and I pray a calm serenity goes with you..

Mary, the column seems appropriately named. I think we have an abhorrence about death because of the many changes it brings...changes we don't want. It is not the person dying that struggles with it, I believe, but the person left behind...or the person dying worrying about leaving those behind. In the end, death comes when it will.

[mfh]

No one knows this better than we do. I agree.

Mary

[enna]

Important to me.

"When I am feeling deep grief, I try to remember that it is, simply, because of love. I also try to remember that even with all its grief and suffering and pain, the world is still beautiful in its way because they were here. They were here." - Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

Photo credit unknown source

[kayc]

And none but us fellow grievers can begin to understand that, Anne. My one sister that thinks I've ruined my life with my sweet Arlie (she thinks he costs too much, worries me too much, ties me down, and my life would be better without him) continues her digs about him, in spite of my having told her, "You have your husband, do you mind if I have my dog?". People who have not had this loss cannot begin to understand. With us, we carry this grief inside our hearts always, so that whatever good there is, whatever joy, it must share co-existence with this ever-present grief. My Arlie is that bit of joy.