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In Darkness Comes The Light


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Dear Mary,

Yes, and because they are invisible, and we are none of us good at wearing signs that say, "Caution, treat with extreme gentleness, broken heart here." But sometimes, I think we should. There was a reason my Grams wore black, and my uncles black armbands when my Grampy died. I had a black dress for church. We wore those black things for a year, and everyone knew what it meant. Gram went out of mourning after a little more two , I think, but my great aunt stayed in mourning for four years for her husband before she began to wear purple, dark brown, navy. They took the time they needed to feel whole and balanced again. So few people do these rituals these days. I am still not able to wear other than a black hat to church, though. It just does not feel right.

And I think it is good to be more rather than less visible in our grief, actually. I am not in mourning, but I am not out dancing yet, either.

Jan, your words touched me. Trying to explain invisibility, and feeling an invisible hole in your heart that aches and is palpable to you, but unseen and unfelt by others. Then, when you talked about evenings, my mind filled with the times after we could not travel, but we would sit out on the patio, and Doug would say that most people would need to buy a ticket and come all the way to Montana to have such an evening in paradise. And he would lean over and kiss me. He could always find something positive, no matter what the circumstances.

And now they are waiting for us again.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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fae, I never thought of that, but you're right, people used to wear black, it was a reminder to others! We're in such an instant hurry-up society people don't have patience for grief any more. They should.

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I agree...wearing a black arm band and having that be acceptable so folks know who is grieving and then training the entire nation about death, loss and grief....would make our journeys so much different. Someday.... So much education is needed. Someday I will be a part of that but for now, I am not there yet. Maybe a book...who knows. :)

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I just lost a post that I wrote. As I copied it from Word, and started to paste it to this thread it just went puff!!! Strange…

Fae, I also believe that we do not choose when the light returns. I only know that there is much more darkness for me right now. For the first two months I thought I had died along with Jim. I can’t even tell anyone what happened or where I was for those months. I know I went to my daughter’s for several weeks. I know I returned to AZ and spent time doing paper work that never seemed to end. I think I cried. I think I ate. What I remembered most was wondering when Jim was going to come home. I do not ever recall feeling the pain that consumes me right now. Today I am feeling more with the heart than the mind. I still try to be in control – having answers for every little thing. I function better when I don’t allow the heart to take over but it is slowly taking over. And if that is a good I just want to tell you that it hurts deeply and I don’t like this pain!

Kay, my prayers seems to be that of ‘being still.’ I used to jump up and busy myself when painful thoughts came into my head. Now I try to stay and be still. I am trying to talk more about me and how I feel but it is foreign to me. I would rather be in the roll of listener and nurturer where I am more comfortable.

As Jan mentioned about waiting at the door for Keilbi to wee and turning back to go into the house to be with Pete – it doesn’t happen. When I sit on the patio in the evening and watch the sunset and wait for the darkness it is not the same without Jim. As Kay works around the house getting all the chores done I’m sure she is wishing that George would be there to keep her company and help her. Mary’s house is waiting to be painted and things are piled up and memories of when she first moved in with Bill sent her reeling. As Nats entered into a new relationship with Brenda his memories of his dear Ruth reminded him of the ‘new person’ he is becoming. And you Fae are right there with the rest of us. Who would not miss sitting outdoors and watching the beautiful Montana landscapes with Doug! We are all of us forever changed. And no one really knows what we are going through because we do not wear black. Everything is inside or invisible as Mary said. This place gives us a way to share our pain and darkness and hopefully our glimmers of light. Anne

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Yes Anne. Yes. I woke to deep sadness. Worse than usual and I don't know why except why not. I find that the sharing of our feelings on here does help as if we couldn't do it we would have to live in a world that doesnt see our invisible black armbands and just wants us to be as we were before. And we can never be so. I'm still struggling with how to be this person alone and I suspect I will have to carry on this struggle until I too die. The darkness is in my soul and I can't see the light. Even having a shower in the morning raises a question in my mind. Why bother? But thankfully I do. I don't want to be a drag on those around me. And yet I do want them to acknowledge my situation and I don't think they want to. I would be just the same I'm sure. But at least here we can be open and honest and sad.

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Anne, Jan, fae, Mary, Nats, anyone else reading this thread...

Yes, it's not the same. This morning it was snowing and I thought how different it felt when I could share it with George. How he would have loved Arlie! Life alone, instead of shared, is not the same feel. Being sick, doing chores, going places, holidays, NOTHING is the same.

Being alone these 31 years, my mom has gone over the edge. Oh, I know she wasn't right to start with, and Dementia certainly hasn't helped the matter any, but I think all of the aloneness has surely driven her finally and for certain...crazy. I used to go see her once a week when my kids were young (she lived 1 1/4 hours away from me) and my other sister would call her every day and visit once a month, my brother saw her every Sunday with his wife and kids, the others visited on special occasions, but still, she spent a lot of time alone. Is that where I'm headed? Am I going to go over the edge? How do you know when you're getting there? Oh yeah, my kids will probably tell me. :)

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I think we are all going to wake to sadness many times in our lives now. Jan, you are approaching your first year since Pete died. So many emotions are surfacing for you as for me. May is not going to be an easy month for either one of us. I know there is no way to prepare for this so what I am going to try to do is open myself to any feeling that comes and try to remember what others have said – feelings are just feelings. I would consider it a major move forward if I could only sit and be still and let the pain enter and then leave. I cry so easily thinking of so many wonderful memories. I know Jim is not here physically but he is with me. He is in my very being. I carry him in my heart so as long as this heart beats Jim will be in me. This is NOT as I want it to be but it is the new reality.

We will and do see glimmers of light, Jan. I am sure others can share with us those first years without their loved one. I can think of many glimmers of light that we have shared – visiting grandchildren, walking with Keilbi or Benji or Arlie or Bentley or our two corgis: Sassy & Faith, getting our hands dirty in the flower beds, watching the moon or the weather changes. I believe that our loved ones are with us as we sit quietly reading, drinking tea or sipping wine, listening to music, watching the stars appear, picking up poop in the yard before garbage day (for me that would be Sunday)! I do talk to Jim when I’m doing that.

My dear Kay, we do not know where any of us are headed. I would like to be as graceful and beautiful as you are right now. Whatever comes our way we will be ready for we all have suffered so much. No suffering can be compared so I just like to think that if we accept what comes our way with grace then we will be all right.

Those who have been on this journey can hear what we are saying and they know that our lives will never be the same. Anne

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Kay, I want to think about your post but for right now...the first thought that comes up for me is that your mom went into her old age with many mental health issues as well as pre-dementia problems, a history of being a mother who could not provide solid love for her kids...that is a lot to carry into old age. No one will ever know how conscious she is and was about her life and history.

You on the other hand are not your mother. You are involved in life; you are healthy physically and emotionally; you have friends (maybe not as many as you want or need) but you are a social being involved in work, pets, life, HOV. I do not think you can compare yourself to her and assume you will travel a path similar to hers.

We have no clue how our lives will go...the health issues that lie ahead...or how it will end. I think the best we can do is be the best person we can be each day; stay involved with others; follow our passions...in your case Arlie is one of them for sure :)

I wonder what it is that leads you to wonder about this as you do.

Peace

Mary

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Mary,

Just that I too was widowed young...younger than my mom, in fact. I hope I don't live to be her age and I hope I don't develop Dementia. BUT I wonder how much her being alone has contributed to her mental state. I know it's not the same as my situation...in fact, my mom has had better support from her kids than I do from mine, her having six of them and and collectively they could see her more and do more for her. But I also know my mom didn't continue learning and using her brain and has been socially stunted all her life and has had a history of mental illness from the time she was a child, that I do not have. So I know we aren't on even footing...but for the living alone as a widow for years.

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This is very, very hard for me but I think it might be part of my healing on this journey of accepting Jim’s death to share some of my flashbacks of almost one year ago. I am finding that I am reliving those weeks just before Jim died. I remember the panic I felt every time he fell and I had to call 911. I am remembering one night when I went into the other bedroom just to try and sleep for a few hours and something woke me and when I went into our bedroom Jim was on his knees hanging on the edge of the bed just looking at me unable to get up!! That was one of the scariest times of my life. I called HOV and then they called 911 for me - it took three paramedics to life him up and into the bed – he was not really coherent (due to the ALZ disease) but otherwise all right. The paramedics wanted to take him to the ER just to check him out. We knew that there would be no more tests, no more probing, no more MRIs, CAT scans, bright lights, etc. and since he didn’t have any broken bones there was no need to go to the ER. Our HOV nurse asked me what I wanted to do so we kept him in his bed and told them we'd call them if we changed our minds. After cleaning Jim up and taking his vitals again and getting him comfortable the nurse left and told me to call her no matter what. She was only five minutes away. Jim and I talked for a long while and he told me he was all right and wanted ice cream! He did not know what happened. He said he was looking for me!! He thanked me that night for not letting the ‘men’ take him away. From that night on I did not sleep anywhere but in our bed until I had to have the hospital bed brought in with all the bells and whistles. Yes, I mean bells since Jim really liked getting out of bed and that is when he would fall so I had to pin a bell on his shirt so I would know when he started to get up. By this time I needed to follow Jim's wishes and keep him home with me. I knew things were not good. I knew he was slipping away from me. The pain is almost as real today as if it happened yesterday. I hope this is normal.

Caregiving is a huge responsibility. I think it only works if you have had serious talks with your loved one and know just what he/she wants. I never doubted any decision I made when Jim was not able to because we did talk often about our end-of-life wishes. I felt honored to be with Jim as he began and ended his journey on this earth. Anne

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Kay,I have friends who have been alone for 20 and 22 years. They are active, involved women. Do they miss their spouses? Absolutely. But in some instances they are healthier and happier IMHO than some of my married friends who have not lost a spouse. I think your future (all of our futures) are dependent on what we make of them. I suspect your mother did not have the self awareness that you had. You are tuned in and aware and you have, as much as any person has, "control" over how you create your future. I do think that involvement with others is critical even for those of us who are introverts or who do not like big groups. Having friends to turn to matters. Having people who hear us matters. You seems so different in every way than your mom. It sounds like your main concern is having so many years as a widow...perhaps 40 but I truly do not think that is what makes the difference. I think it has more to do with what YOU want and what you are willing to do to get it and your awareness, your basic mental health (which seems good to me from here). YOu use your mind and you have not been socially stunted as your mom was. What do you want these years ahead to be like considering you are alone now? What do you want IN your life? What are your passions (besides Arlie :)? Let's start there. I think I asked the question because you know you and your mom are soo different so it seemed like there was a fear that perhaps you have not voiced? I do not think being fulfilled is about being alone or not. Is it what we want? No. but I think we can have meaningful and fulfilling lives alone as long as we have dreams, passions, involvements, self awareness, friends. Do you see pieces of your mom in yourself?

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Anne, as I said to you in the email (and you requested I respond here also) I believe what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Yes, reliving and remembering and flashbacks...are all normal especially as an anniversary approaches. IMHO. That is what happened to me when I stripped the house. That is what March was about for me. You and I had a similar journey. We were dealing with traumatic events constantly (day and night) for years. We watched our husbands die bit by bit by bit....as I said, one leaf at a time fell off the tree and sometimes a wind came along and took an entire branch in one fell swoop. Just do not judge these, let yourself be where you are (something I still struggle with when difficult days come, yes, but it is still what we must do). I too remember Bill falling, hallucinating, and decisions, and exhaustion and more. I still remember clearly as if it were yesterday when I heard Bill up at 2am for the umpteenth time and the love of my life, this brilliant, kind, loving quick-minded man was standing in the middle of his office with his walker and refused to move because "Mary, I can't move. I am up to my knees in water." I weep typing this. I could report, as you can, a million of these events. I think, for me at least, each one was a mini-trauma not just a bad experience. Some were huge. I can feel it in my body today, 3 years later. This journey is about patience and acceptance. I believe as a first anniversary (and look at my 3rd last month) comes around...we do relive more than we do other times...we do not question this when it is a wedding anniversary we shared with our men. We relive our wedding day, proposal day, honeymoon...and think it perfectly normal. That is how we need to approach the anniversary of a death...reliving, remembering is perfectly normal. It is an anniversary and our cells remember. Today, I had to take a detour to go get a rototiller as the road was closed. I turned down Cty C and tears flowed. I was baffled. Then my body told me that I had not been on this road since Bill died and it was one we drove a lot. Tears fell. So simple and so profound. You were watching the love of your life drift away bit by bit for YEARS and there was not one thing you could do to stop it..nothing. You felt helpless every minute of every day AND night. We got no sleep...of any quality and no REM sleep. That is traumatic in my books. I know this is a bit longer than my email to you in response to this question but I had more thoughts about it as I retyped it. Keep in mind also that you are not used to operating at a feeling level (as you have told me) the way I have done personally and professionally for years. I am at home with feelings..needing others to listen is another story but I am comfortable with feelings. They do not scare me and they are familiar. That is not how you and Jim operated as you said to me. So having all these emotions hit you now is tough for you. It is tough for me and I am used to emotions...used to feeling and expressing and sharing them. Two sensitive shrinks in the same house...come on ^_^!! I think it might help to you journal some of this to get it identified and out of you a bit and onto paper. It helps me and drains it off some. These are hard days and you still have 5 weeks, I believe (May 24). Sharing here is really important...maybe several times a day. We all are here for you as you go through this. We all, I believe I can speak for every one of us, welcome your posts and your just owning your pain and feelings here. It helps so much. When I got home yesterday I just needed to share my day with someone who got it. I did not feel like calling anyone and there are few in my life who would understand that seeing Jane Goodall walk on a stage made me cry for Bill. I knew everyone here would get it. I do understand. Keep sharing...it will help you pull those feelings up and clear them out so there is room for the next flood or drip, depending on the day or the moment. It is cathartic to write it and even more so if you know someone who cares and gets it will read it and even more so if they respond. Go for it! We are here. We have your back.

You also, Jan... as your first anniversary is just around the corner also and you are going through the same thing as Anne...as you told me earlier today.

Yes, you will relive...that is what I did in March...and it feels like you are right back there but it is just a turn in the labyrinth...almost retracing but really on a path right along side of the one you just left and going forward to the center. I have no clue how long it takes to get to the center....

Gotta run...art group starts in 4 minutes.

Mary

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Mary,

Bless you, thank you for your insightfulness and taking the time to respond.

You and Anne and so many others here have been through so much...I do think that losing your spouse to Dementia must surely be one of the hardest ways to go...bit by bit, piece by piece, a slow death for the surviving spouse for sure. I had the opposite problem...George died so quickly and without notice I was completely in shock...for quite some time. But if I had to choose, I'd take the heart attack over Dementia any day.

You're right, my mom and I are nothing alike. The only commonality is I have her nose, her organizational skills (her's borders on OCD), her efficiency (when she was younger), and her long years as a widow. It stops there. I should lay aside my worry, besides, what will be will be.

You ask my passion...I like people, although I like solitude too, I enjoy creativity/art, nature, animals, walking. George and I enjoyed the same things together...only his other passion was food instead of art. :D I enjoy singing too. Funny, my passions haven't changed, whether married or single. I still am who I am.

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Thank you for your response, Mary. Jim died on May 25th at 4:30 am. I do think it is good for us to know that we are not alone in our reactions to memories of our loved ones deaths. I do journal only most of what I write is private. I am beginning to understand that it is necessary to express our feelings to others as we go through this journey. I do know that I am not nor will I be the only one to go through a loss. All we have to do is watch the news - these bombings in Boston stop me right in my tracks and I think of how insignificant my little world is compared to catastrophes that are occuring all around us. Anne

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Comparisons are fruitless, dear Anne. Your "little world" is no less significant than anyone else's, and your grief is just as legitimate. The events in Boston certainly do remind us how fragile life really is, and how anyone's world can be turned upside down in a heartbeat ~ but don't ever think that your life ~ or your love for Jim, or the grief you are feeling now ~ is any less important than anyone else's.

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Oh, Anne, I so agree with Marty. Your pain can not be compared to anyone elses and it matters just as much as anyone's. I feel badly as I leapt out of here so quickly suddenly realizing I was late for art group and I had the key to let 8 people including our instructor in the building on a cold night. I also did not mean to lecture...I am so sorry. I did not mean to discount you in any way...just reactive Mary.

I send you peace and you know I am here for you.

Mary with love

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I agree. Your feelings and all you are going through is very valid.

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I do not ever feel that you lecture, Mary. You have a generous heart and are always giving of yourself. I do believe that our journeys are a bit easier because of the people on this forum. I do agree with Marty. Anne

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Dear Anne,

First of all, I could not help smiling at "two sensitive shrinks in the house" that Mary wrote. I can just imagine!

Dear Anne, I think that probably everything you are feeling and that is happening means that you are so wonderfully in touch with your grief and sense of loss, that you are allowing the emotional flow that is so healing, and that "You" can still detach from the pain to share with us about it. I know this sounds very Buddhist, and it is, a bit, but my entire point is that you are doing such a good job of caring for yourself, handling as much grief and its pain as you are able to each day, and that you are willing to stay in the flow of it. You are not denying any of it; you are experiencing it and then letting it go. I think that is very healthy.

As you approach May 25th, it may be that you will experience a shift of not. Mine is only now seeming to happen. But I think the renewed sadness and the flashbacks are a part of the journey. I am so sorry that you are having all this pain.

While I have been packing things, I have learned to just let the tears fall whenever they need to. I have been having a lot of flashbacks to happier times. But around 7 February, I was having flashbacks to Doug's last days, and his weakness, his stubborn determination to tell me things. His last hours, and then my heart opens through the tears and sorrow to his love, and I am able to sob and mourn and let myself feel the pain of his leaving. I don't know any other way to do this, but to let the feelings flow through me.

Your love and life together were so precious to both of you. Through all those years, you held each other's love and joy, sharing and identity, being each other's mirrors through time. Those aspects of your life will never go away. Those parts of your identity -- those years of your life, the love you shared--are forever present for and with you.

It is only very recently that I have been able to look back and smile with gratitude and love occasionally, and without tears of longing. But sometimes it happens now, that I can think of Doug, his celebration of life, his love for me, and our truly wonderful adventures, our love and life together, and I do not cry. Now is not one of those times, as the tears are flowing. But sometimes.

Some day, you will find yourself remembering something about Jim, and you will find yourself smiling, and a deeper peace and sense of being loved will settle into your heart for a moment, and plant a new seed. It happens.

I hold you in my heart as you approach May 25.

{{{hugs}}}

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Yes I'm in the same place as Anne. The circumstances of Pete's illness and death are so hard for me. And I've struggled about how much I should be thinking about his cruel death in the light of his so happy life. I've shared with Anne and Mary and its helped to write it down. I think if we don't share, but just keep processing it over and over in our heads it isnt good. I need to acknowledge the pain I feel about seeing my beloved husband struck down by a devastating stroke, reduced to a person unable to move on one side of his body, unable to speak or eat, with problems with his throat as a result, and then, after I successfully fought to get him home to be cared for by me for six weeks, to have to let him go into respite care (just for two weeks was the plan) so that I could be our daughter's birth partner because she is a single mother. And then, the day after our little Rosie-Mae was born, Pete died alone in the nursing home. He had written on his note pad to the ambulance people that he knew I had to do that. He knew and understood that he was just going to the nursing home for a little while. But neither of knew that he would die there. My tears are flowing as I write this and I'm finding it almost unbearable to share this pain with you. It's almost a year. The date is May 4th. I still feel as bad as I did the day it happened. I can't imagine ever coming to terms with it. I know I have to carry on because there is no alternative. I don't know where to put all the love I have for Pete. It's no good anyone saying give it to others because it only belongs to him and us. I know you all understand and are coping with very similar feelings.

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Thanks, Anne. I appreciate that. And yes, I do believe we cannot compare losses.

Mary

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Oh, Jan, I know you hurt so. I feel your pain and I know I can not take it from you nor would I want to for it is yours. I spoke many of the same words early on...i.e. I did not see myself ever feeling better or even wanting to go on. But I do feel better and different. I want to say, "do not give up hope of feeling better," but I know those words can not be heard right now...I could not hear nor did I care to hear anyone telling me it would be better (i.e. less gut wrenching pain). Just know I walk this labyrinth of grief with you and every step you take on the journey brings you one step closer to the center where there is light and calm a good amount of the time. You are not alone and we here all know the pain of losing the most important person in our lives. Peace to your heart,

Love

Mary

I just saw this on FB

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief People will admire your strength, but usually what they mean is your ability to look 'together', to be stoic, to have on a mask that indicates "I'm ok." What people don't realize is that the real strength comes in facing the grief, which might look like falling apart, inability to show up, tears, sadness, and head under the covers. You are strong, every day you choose to be alive, but let your real strength be in facing the feelings so that you move through the process.
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Oh Jan, I feel your pain and can only imagine how you felt, having gone through all that, just to lose him. I don't understand why things happen as they do and I'm inclined to think there isn't a "why", things just happen and we have to deal with it as best as we can...I think a lot of people try to find meaning where there is none. I'm glad you got your Rosie May and all went well for her birth and am glad you have your daughter to journey with. I'm sure Pete did understand, as it was important enough to him to write about.

Mary, I agree, strength is not looking stoic, strength is in facing things.

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Anne,

Your possitive attitude is admirable. Whether or not you can carry out certain acts the fact that you are even able to see the possitives-have people and things that make you happy is so great. All the questions you stated about why--i wonder the same things. Also when you said until you can be with Jim again....one of my most said phrases these days. That's all i want is to be with MM again. Why must we go on and suffer so without our soul mates?? Makes me cry and so mad.

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