In Darkness Comes The Light

[enna]

I shall be taking a 24 hour day of silence, Sunday April 28th, away from all social media honoring all who have lost a child. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore (Professor at ASU) and founder of the MISS Foundation has asked us to set this time aside to remember anyone who has lost a loved one especially a child. What a perfect way to begin the twelth month of Jim's death. There should be more healing as I get dirty in the yard and read without the TV or any other social media. Music of course will fill the house and walks with Benji are always on the agenda. Happy Sunday. Anne

[MartyT]

A perfect way to spend your day tomorrow, dear Anne ~ and just so you know, for us Midwesterners, this finally happened today!

[kayc]

I hadn't heard of this, but I think it's a beautiful way to demonstrate support for those who have lost a child...including Marty and two of my sisters.

[enna]

My day of silence away from all social media was a good one. It is tiring to look inward and accept yourself where you are and not always look elsewhere. My heart is happy to know that some of you are finally seeing the signs of spring. Thank you for the picture, Marty. I did read, work in the yard, walk Benji, and meditate. Oh yes, I took two short naps also! The quote below pretty much says what I believe.

Mary, did you get the trellis for the clematis up? Anne

[kayc]

Anne,

the quote you posted is so true. I'm glad it was a good day for you. I have a lot of solitude in my life and have learned not to "rush to fill the silence" but view it as a friend. I tried some of the meditations here this weekend. I'm not used to having a meditation done up for me to use, but rather to just meditate by myself w/o sounds or pictures, but the one of the ocean was nice...I could listen to that for hours.

[mfh]

Yes, Anne, the trellis is up but I still have to figure out a way to not have it lean...it leans about 1/2 inch just enough to drive me crazy.

It is thundering and lightning and rain is coming. The sun was out this morning. Painter came back and is busy behind the fridge. Whoever built this house in 1952 created a space for the refrigerator so the front is flush with the walls. It was a spec house then, I am told with new things in it for the 50s and people use to walk by it just to see it. To me it looks like a 1950s home and what they thought was new is hard to detect now.

Tornado season is coming so I have to set up my basement safe place. I took it apart in the winter. I keep water, flash lights, batteries, chair, dog food etc there. We had 18 touch down around us about 5 years ago. One crossed the highway right in front of me one day...I mean within 500 feet...I felt lucky that day They do not scare me...I guess I am used to them and last year was unusually quiet.

So glad your silence day was good for you. I admire you doing that. I have not done that for a while and was just thinking about it when I saw Joanne's post but it did not work out. I am thinking about a 3-4 day retreat away from home.

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for the beautiful quote. I am slowly -- very slowly -- learning to listen a little bit better some days.

Kay, I have found that when I start with a guided meditation, then just stay there for a while longer, it really helps. But, like you, I also find meditation in silence and alone, watching my thoughts and feeling my breath, is a good way to meditate.

Oh, Mary! 500 feet from a tornado! I am glad you have a basement safe place for you and Bentley. And I am smiling at your 1950s home with the special improvements of the day. One of the nicest things about many 1950 and 60s houses I have visited is that they seem to have been overbuilt, so that they are very sturdy.

Maybe your painter could take a look at the trellis for you?

For us all: how much have you rested today? Anne? Kay? Mary? Jan? Kristen? Queenie Mary, if she is around? Marty? I am about to go put my feet up and watch a silly film or read or something distracting and entertaining for a while. I was going to paint more, but the studio is even dustier than the house, because I had the doors open earlier for paint to dry. This would not be a good day to hang out laundry: it would come in dust-covered.

Off to huddle over an air cleaner and do something distracting.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Yes, 500 feet. I went back the next day as the fields were torn up in its path and figured out about where i was. It was not a big one but enough to rip up the fields on both sides of the road. Several neighbors lost roofs that summer including the vet's office here in town. I can not get Bentley to the basement...he is afraid of the steps so I rigged up a deal. The basement door is in an alcove so I barricade that off and I sit on the steps. I had Bill parked in the basement on the chair. Bentley won't go down those steps even for beef. He goes up and down other steps but these are old 50s steps, rather narrow treads...and not well lit. Same in last house and he would not do those steps either.

Take care, fae

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

I've been gardening. I think it helps me a tiny bit. I looked out this morning at what I had done and felt a little lightening of my heart so I will continue. I'd like to do what Mary plans, and make something new in the garden for Pete but I can't think of any way I'd want to change our garden from how he made it. I'm reading, listening to testimonies of people who have experienced NDEs, watching Deepak Chopra. In fact I spend much of my time searching. I think losing Pete has forced me into being a different person in some ways. When Pete was physically here I was anchored in the physical world alongside him. Now he is somewhere else I search for him all the time. Sometimes I think I find him. Often, because I still feel comfortable and safe in our home even though I can't experience his presence, nevertheless I think he must be here, alongside me in a different sense. Spent a while when I woke up watching Anita Moorjani. Inspirational. You all know how different our lives are when we have to continue living without our soul mates as physical presences.

[mfh]

Well, Jan...I wish I was there to brainstorm with you about your garden. Do you have a bench in the garden? I will be putting the bench that we dragged around with us for many years ultimately in the center of the labyrinth but for this year I will put it beneath one of the new trees I hope to buy today. They won't really be big enough to put a bench under but I am getting a fast growing white pine or two and in the labyrinth will be a maple. Another idea is a small pond but you would need help with that...too much for me. Maybe just caring for the plants is sufficient...adding a couple here and there.

As John O'Donohue (one of my favorite authors: Anam Cara and a bunch of other books) says of the dead we love: "Where else would they be but right where you are?" I can not imagine Bill being anywhere else. We are not whole without each other...

I am thinking of you a lot this week as you approach the 1st anniversary of Pete's death. I am wondering how the week is going for you.

Mary with love

[kayc]

My sister's front yard is a small little place, enclosed by an ivy covered fence and some shade trees...some bushes here, some flowers there, it reminds me of a garden where fairies might go...it's enchanting, secluded. She has a little bench out there under one of the trees where she likes to read. A fountain would look great tucked away there. She said her husband just put up an overhead thing so she can enjoy it whether rain or shine, I haven't seen it yet.

Jan, when you get a good start on your garden, you'll have to share some pictures with us! I don't have a garden but I do love decking my patio out with flowers and watch the hummingbirds come and go.

[enna]

A message to our 'Tribe"... Today I would like to focus on peace. Peace in our world and peace within each of us.

Anne

[MartyT]

Beautiful, Anne ~ thank you. One of my very favorite songs, and so very true. I once heard Barbara Bush say that what happens in the White House is far less important than what happens in your house. We cannot make peace in the world if we cannot make peace in our own families. So let it begin with me, and with every single one of us ♥

[kayc]

Thank you so much, Anne, that is beautiful and I truly enjoyed all of the quotes! As usual, you have found something special to share with each of us, a real gift.

[mfh]

Anne, this is one of my all time favorites. I chose it for the final song at Bill's funeral because I truly believe that peace IS the goal and as the Course in Miracles says, love is the way. Thanks for this. I hesitated to listen to it but I did get through it as I also saw all of us walking out of the church at Bill's funeral. It was ok.

Peace

Mary

[enna]

Peace really does begin with each one of us. Mary, I remember you talking about Bill's funeral and the songs you chose. I did not know which peace song you chose. I am glad that you were able to listen to mine.

My focus for the next several days until the 25th will be on the journey I am on as I complete the first year of Jim's death. It seems like only yesterday and then again it seems like forever! I have journeyed that is for sure. I have changed that is for sure. I have held on to 'The Tribe' like a scared rabbit, but I hope I will be emerging a little less scared.

My candle has burned for almost 12 months now and it will continue to burn in my heart forever.

These are bittersweet days with such a mixture of emotions. The waves and the roller coaster rides have not been fun. I know that I have grown. I know that I am never going to be finished with my journey but I shall try to make it a journey of hope since I truly believe that Jim and I will be together again when the time comes.

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Your words touch my heart with hope and healing.

I hold you in my heart and in prayer these next days as you walk through a time of memories, love, happiness, peace, joy, and enlightenment. This journey seems to open so many new doors of understanding, and while a few physical doors appear to close, doors of the spirit and awareness seem to swing wide open on their hinges each time I ask to be shown my way. I know it is the same for you. We each have unique, other doors, other unique new understanding, but still, those shifts and growing that make this journey a precious one for me, and I imagine for you.

Now that I am 15 months away from Doug leaving, the tears still come even as I write this, but there is now a sense of acceptance and peace, of faith and love, which forms a new foundation of awareness in the ground of my being: it is all right. Everything is all right. I do know this now, even through the sadness and longing and grief.

I am not at all sure when this new sense of a ground of being began, but it is becoming more noticable: at least I can sense that there is a ground of being in there again. Today, as I was showing off my balance skills to my physical therapist, she challenged me to stand on two pillows on the floor, close my eyes, cross my hands over my heart, and then stand on one foot.

I started smiling, thinking of how many balance challenges I have each day without Doug, and I closed my eyes, etc., and stood on one foot for about five seconds.

I think the metaphor here is apt: as we trust ourselves to be able to balance again, we are willing to try more challenging things. I have certainly found this to be true the last 15 months. There are many things I am not ready to do -- physically or emotionally -- but each day, or week, or month, I try one more way to get more balance. Sometimes I fail, and sometimes I wail. It is all a part of this journey.

I am so thankful to be here walking along with our Tribe. {{{hugs}}}

I send love and prayers, dear Anne, for these days.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

When George passed, the song I picked to sing was:

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well, with my soul.
   • Refrain:
     It is well, with my soul,
     It is well, it is well, with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

[enna]

Thank you, Kay - I love the song. Thank you fae - your words are very comforting.

I am at a place that seems very sacred to me right now. Good and painful memories with all the flashbacks.

I know my journey has really just begun but I have traveled far and I have many things to be grateful for - I treasure my forum friends and their deep love and gentle concerns. It is easy for tears to well up - I am learning to let the tears flow and be in the moment.

[Cakes01]

What you said was beautiful Anne.

Kay the words of your song are very touching.

[mfh]

Kay, your song is lovely. Those songs from our beloveds funeral/memorial are ours forever.

fae and Kay I got the ingredients for the cookies for Bentley and hope to make them soon.

Peace, Mary

[mfh]

I am at a place that seems very sacred to me right now. Good and painful memories with all the flashbacks.

I know my journey has really just begun but I have traveled far and I have many things to be grateful for - I treasure my forum friends and their deep love and gentle concerns. It is easy for tears to well up - I am learning to let the tears flow and be in the moment.

Anne, I do know how those memories come in flashbacks. I know about the sacred place you are in. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Mary

[enna]

It is a sacred moment to listen to this woman - Joan Halifax - This article was on FB this morning and I just felt like sharing it with all of you... She makes you feel like you are in another world.

http://chqdaily.com/2012/07/12/halifax-personal-stabilization-key-to-avoiding-elected-numbness/

[mfh]

http://www.onbeing.org/blog/encountering-grief-guided-meditation/4983

For Anne and everyone: ...Joan Halifax meditation on grief

[kayc]

Mary, just remember, add the rice flour a bit at a time, you may not need all of it or might want to add a tad more pumpkin. When I tried mixing it, it was very dry and crumbly, had to add another egg, then too sticky, a bit more flour, finally got it rolled out and cut. I finally got to use the little dog bone cookie cutter someone gave me!