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I'm sitting here fighting the feeling of breaking. Marcus used to say he hated being alone. i always said i didn't mind being alone just hated being without him. he later started to say he"i hate being alone and no just anyone won't do. i need to be with you-my KJ"

I am a loss without him. i have one friend in Florida who is pulling away. i get it people don't know what to say. it doesn't ease the pain of being so alone. he didn't believe he was my everything, but he was and always will be. i still can't believe he's dead. i don't know how to keep going and i don't want to. as he said i belong by his side. he wanted me to take my place there. i wish he would come get me. i hate being alone now and no not just anyone do. just you my sweet Marcus. it's always been you.

We talked about everything happening for a reason and maybe with nothing to do with me there is a reason why he died, but as for my purpose? I see none and i do not want to see one. only be with him.

I am so alone. i only hope and pray he is not alone and feels my love still. he is my everything.

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Kristen,

I do know how you're feeling, all of us have said/felt these same things. The aloneness is one of the hardest parts of this grief journey. I was the strong one, didn't mind being alone, independent. I was ill prepared for how hard this would hit. And while I never minded being alone part of the time, when there was a choice, it's altogether different when there IS no choice and you're always missing them! Purpose is another thing that's hard to find again. I don't think I've found mine yet. I admire Mary, who has a plan. Me, I just feel like I'm waiting for something, and I've been here one of the longest, so I don't know how things will go but am waiting to see how life plays out. I wish I could be more proactive with it, I'm a planner, I'm used to taking charge of things, but honestly, I don't know where to start with my own life. George and I had plans...when he died, they were gone.

I don't think Marcus is alone and yes I think he's very aware of your love. I had a near-death experience once, years ago, and I still remember that feeling, it's hard to describe, but it was a very positive floating kind of feeling, and I felt like I had a choice (to go or stay)...I would have picked "to go" except I still had young children and felt they needed me in their lives, so I stayed. But it made it something to not fear about death because it's merely a transition to somewhere/something else, something good.

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My dear Kristen,

When I had those feelings of being so alone I made myself go for a walk. For me there is nothing more beautiful than being in nature. I had a dream once where I was out in a field of wildflowers and I sat down and could actually see myself turn into part of the field - crazy - NO - just a way to go to a different place for awhile to distract yourself from the grief. Sometimes it is good to walk away from the grief for awhile. Use your imagination to place yourself in a safe place - float in a hot air balloon - swim with the dolphins - pretend you are flowers popping out of the ground that is still hard from the winter - sit in an open space and have ten puppies lick your face -

Your Marcus is in your heart and you will always be with him and his love for you will carry you. Anne

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Hello Cakes01...

We all indeed understand how you feel as we ourselves have had those feelings...this is a hard journey and early in the stages we find no reasoning to our loss and emptiness...the friends are normal, as your correct they don't know what to say and it makes them uncomfortable, I found the best support Here as we all have the that "understanding" and can relate...In the days and months to come things will settle but it does take time, we just need to be patient, it's hard I know even at 3 years I have my days...something that works for me is "Happy Memories", I focus on them when feeling despair, I do become a full blown wave of tears but the feeling passes quicker and my mind settles with a comfort...as for Marcus being alone, my faith tells me he is fine, still and always in Love with you as well as all of our spouses still love us in fact they are with us more than we know, we just need to be open to the messages they project...take things day by day and allow your mind to rest some as all this trying to figure out things really just confuses us more.

May Peace Be With You, continue to come here we will all travel with you.......

NATS

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I really appreciate the responses to me. i look forward to reading them when i get to my tablet soon. i am going to see a therapist that Marcus had gone with me to see only a few months before he died. it will be nice to be around someone who knew how much we love another.

I wanted to say thank you in advance cause it really means so much to me that people care. i am alone here. not on this site, but in my life here. so....THANK YOU.

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Kristen,

When I was new to my grief journey, any thought of George hurt and would set off tears. As time went on it changed and instead of intense pain from the loss, the memories brought smiles, comfort, encouragement. I don't know at what point it changed, but it did, I just want you to know there is that hope ahead.

Like Anne said, try taking a "thought break" and think about something pleasant if only for a moment, it's renewing. With what she's going through, she'll be our expert at surviving any time now. She may be already. :)

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Kristen, I agree with Anne and Kay...and yes, there is hope. You said you do not know how to do this journey but you ARE doing it..one day at a time, coming here for support, seeing the counselor you and Marcus saw. How nice that this person will have known Marcus. Good for you for scheduling that. It is one day at a time. And I do understand the lack of meaning you feel and it takes a while before you find meaning again but you will. Everyone here has had that feeling, believe me. Keep on posting and keep taking one day at a time.

Peace

mary

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Kristen,

On my way back to bed.

All I can offer are many (((((((gentle hugs))))))))

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Shannon, good to see you popping in, you're never far from our thoughts.

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Shannon, is your SIL going to accompany you to chemo? I know from going through this with too many friends that it is a long day and tiring....esp the first time.

How is Leo doing?

Mary

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Kay, i too think of the plans Marcus and i had. So many....it makes me want to not try. Makes me mad that we didn't have more time together. I do plan to make our business successful, but other then that i'm at a loss. What kind of plans did you and George have? If you'd like to share i would like to hear about them.

I hope you're right about Marcus not being alone and feeling my love. I think i got a few signs from him today. I was calmer then yesterday and i've read that extreme grief can make it hard for them to get threw. I don't know i'm just reaching for something anything to connect with him. Anne is a wonderful woman from what i've have had the pleasure to know of her so far. I pray she will be ok . I can not say it enough as i'm sure many say-life can be so unfair :(

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Anne,

I think Marcus sent me a message threw you. Hot air balloon? Swim with dolphins? He surprised me with a hot air balloon ride and wanted to teach me to scuba dive and swim with the dolphins! Come to think of it you may have known about the balloon ride already, but i still feel him tonight. I will take your suggestions. Thank you :)post-16377-0-52870100-1366858736_thumb.j

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Hi NATS

Thank you for your kind words. It brought me great comfort when you said you believe Marcus is fine. I know we don't know eachother, but i know most people that mention a faith usually believe in it strongly so thank you for that comfort. I am trying to stay calm as to hopefully see more signs from him. He knows i'm not observant so i'm hoping he will send me some in my face signs. I believe he will. I still don't understand why he died. It should've been me....

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Mary,

How have you been?? How is the remodeling going?

Today turned out to be a good day. Well maybe a doable if that's a word better describes it. Seeing Dr.S made me feel so close to Marcus. She knows all about us and knows how much we love eachother. It felt really nice. I broke down and she cried with me. He was such a likable man-charming, but not sleazy like some men by pouring it on too thick. Just charming. I miss him!

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Many gentle hugs to you Shannon

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Kristen, I am doing ok. Thank you. Tired from too much art today :) More tomorrow. I am just having painting done and some valances installed and blinds in my art studio. But it is moving way way way too slowly. It could have all been done by Monday if they had come every day and worked an 8 hour day. I am very frustrated. This is what they do in small towns to grab business....work several jobs so they do not turn people down. I have, over the past many years, dealt with dozens of contractors and only the one who did my art studio and one who helped us gut our country home and the electrician in CO came when they said they would come, did a great job, called if they were to be a bit late...basics, I think. Ah...lessons everywhere.

Sounds like you had a good meeting with the therapist. So glad.

Mary

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Mary,

Is there such a thing as too much art? :)

I can only imagine how frustrating it can be to deal with people when they don't just do what they say they're going to do or be paid for. I bet you'll feel so good when it's all done.

How is Bentley doing?

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Hi NATS

Thank you for your kind words. It brought me great comfort when you said you believe Marcus is fine. I know we don't know eachother, but i know most people that mention a faith usually believe in it strongly so thank you for that comfort. I am trying to stay calm as to hopefully see more signs from him. He knows i'm not observant so i'm hoping he will send me some in my face signs. I believe he will. I still don't understand why he died. It should've been me....

Cakes01...

Your so welcome, I'm glad I was able to provide you with that feeling...I am very strong in my faith and as I see signs and messages it becomes even stronger...the pennies from no where, things rearranged, the feelings of Ruth in the room, all things that allow me to know she is very much with me in spirit...you know someone else mentioned talking to our loved ones and that indeed brings some comfort, I agree and speak to Ruth often...I think none us understand why our loved ones passed even as many were sick we did not want to think they would pass, many including myself had faith they would be better and life would be normal again...I sure it does happen for some, but for most it's about a reason, a learning, and a mission we have been chosen for, the reason is not for us to question only attempt to complete, your Marcus was a wise man saying "everything has a reason" he understood what many miss in life...he must be very caring and patient...reflect on what you have with his thoughts and you will endure his strength as you heal and find your place on this journey...

Take Care and Peace Be With You...

NATS

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Hello Kristen,

We are always looking for things to read to help us along our journeys and I know how much it helped me to have information at my fingertips during this first year. This link goes to one of Marty's sites that is filled with readings that you might find helpful. Thinking of you today. Anne

http://www.griefhealing.com/helping-the-grieving.htm

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Kristen,

You asked what kind of plans we had...nothing big, but I think I may have posted a link to when I was newer in my grief that mentioned some of it. We planned to work until age 65 and then retire, we bought a porch swing and put it on our back deck for us to "grow old together" on. We loved camping and taking walks together (I loved hiking but George couldn't keep up...now we know why). There were places we wanted to go to together and his abrupt ending called a halt to all that. I haven't been camping since. Somehow taking a drive by yourself is just not the same. There was a "back way" to his hometown we always wanted to take, I still haven't been on it. I remember after he died finding the extra sharp cheese I bought for him to try (he never got to) and the Cornish Game Hens in the freezer I wanted to fix for him (he'd never had them) and he never got them. So many things I wanted to do together, he never got to go to Disneyland, we never got to the Grand Canyon. :( Still, we lived life to the fullest the short time we got to be together so I have no regrets, we always treated each other with the utmost love and respect. Sure we had a couple of fights, but I think everyone has, we never resorted to anything we had to be sorry for. Most of all, I just miss spending the rest of my life with him. I wish we could have been grandparents together.

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Kristen,

If you never got to be married, that doesn't mean you weren't still his wife in your hearts.

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Thank you NATS. Your words are very comforting. Marcus was very wise. I never liked when people would make someone who has died into this flawless person so no he was not perfect, but he was perfect for me. He was stubborn at times, but mostly right about things and very in touch with himself-getting there at least and very in touch with me. I have been feeling him with me more often then not the last few days. I don't want to be here on this earth, but for as long as i have to be i will do so in his honor and make him proud.

I hope you are a having a nice day :)

Kristen

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Anne,

I am liking all the links people leave here. Thank you for another. I will be sure to check it out. I'm feeling more guilt as i haven't been a crying mess yesterday or today. Only when i was in our therapists office retelling the night Marcus died. I think it's because i feel Marcus with me. Hope it's not just pain meds numbing me.

How are you feeling today?

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Thank you Marty. I am not on facebook, but looks like something that could've been helpful.

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