Cakes01 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 25, 2013 Kay, Not having time is something i too am upset about. I even get angry. Marcus used to say we should've met years and years ago. Your plans sound very nice. It is so sad and so unfair that you didn't get to carry them out. How long were you together? Not judging just curious. We used to talk about a hammock on a beach by the water as our happy place. Neighbors across the street just put a hammock up in their front yard. I'm surprised that this made me smile and not burst into tears. It's something we both wanted so badly. Next month we were supposed to take our first vacation where we may have found our hammock on the beach by the water. I so wish we had taken that trip.... How has your day been? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes01 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 25, 2013 Awe thank you Kay! We did talk about getting married. I feel like our connection is so deep and what we experienced with marraige in our previous relationships-we knew and told eachother we were it for eachother. Marraige papers or not. That was very nice to read though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 26, 2013 Report Share Posted April 26, 2013 It's true, it's the quality of the relationship that counts. We knew each other 6 1/2 years and we were married 3 years 8 months, to the day. A hammock on the beach sounds wonderful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemo Posted April 26, 2013 Report Share Posted April 26, 2013 I feel just like you do Cakes. It has been 18 months and I seem to be getting worse. The biggest thing for me is the alone feeling. When I'm at home I just can't shake it. I think I have accepted Jim's death and wouldn't ask for him back the way he was with the Alz. But after so many years of being with him and our family, I just feel abandoned. I can't get off this pity party when I know I need to help someone else and it would probably help my feelings. Today I'm going to talk to Hospice to see if I can help them in their office. I would be no good talking with patients at this point or probably ever. I'm hoping to find some purpose to my life so I quit thinking of how bad I have it. I have a nice home and I feel guilty for being so down when others have it so much worse. I know all that but changing my thinking is very hard to do. I hate my life the way it is and the future looks so bleak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes01 Posted April 26, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2013 Kay, I wish you had more time with Pete. Saying life is unfair doesn't make it better or clearer as to why, but it really is! I always pictured myself falling out of the hammock, but god what i wouldn't give to fall out of that hammock with him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes01 Posted April 26, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2013 Nemo, I understand those feelings. I know i should be grateful and though i am i am more sad and mad. I try to think how Marcus's girls must feel, but that brings me back to-i should be helping them, but can't cause of their mother and i feel even worse. He should be here for them. Why i'm still here i do not know. I don't think it will ever make sense to me. I had one person tell me that when i find "the one" for me i'll know why Marcus died. I wanted ti smack her face and i never hit people. The rage and overwhelming sadness that came over me was so intense. He is "the one" the only one for me. It sounds like a good idea you have about helping out at Hospice. Having ideas are good, but getting the strength to get up and out to do them can seem impossible. Sending you lots of strength and hugs I wish i could touch his face-he used to close his eyes and sigh why i did that. Said my tough centered him. Made things right. Again-lifevis so unfair :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 27, 2013 Report Share Posted April 27, 2013 George was my husband, not Pete. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes01 Posted April 27, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2013 My deepest apologies Kay. I'm all over the place these days. I'm truly sorry as i know how important our loved ones names are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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