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Thanks for warmly welcoming me to your love-filled and encouraging group. I often refer my individual clients to this website. Today, I am going to play one of the songs you posted for the grief support group I facilitate in Phoenix. You all are a treasure to me!

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Dear Dee

We are happy to see your warm smile in the posts....and yes, welcome you here.

Mary

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Since I started this thread I will share my call from my cardiologist today. I didn't think it really fit under 'Update on Anne' :blush:

I received a call from my cardiologist this afternoon. His concern was about my uncontrolled high B/P and an explanation of the cardiac catheterization and the PTCA test he performed last Monday. Since I have no blocked arteries outside the heart he went into the heart to check if there were any closed vessels that were preventing the blood to flow as freely as it could. He performed the cardiac catheterization first and then the PTCA. The good news - he determined that I did not need stents since the narrowing of some vessels were not severe enough at this time. We are still waiting on the report for any infection or diseased muscle inside the heart!

The new medication he has me on now is called Cozaar and it is to treat my enlarged heart. He calls it LVH or in BIG terms left ventricular hypertrophy.

After eight months of dealing with this I am happy to say that at least for these few weeks my B/P is in the high normal and the heart rate has stayed below 115!

Since I have been in congestive heart failure twice now he wants to send me to a kidney specialist to run some tests – my kidney failure is still in the high stage 3 and that is good. He doesn’t want it to skip up to stage 4 especially since it might have to do with the heart failure!! Now you know what I know. Probably more than you want to know.

How do I really feel about dealing with all this without my Jim. Angry, wishing that he were here. Wondering how I got myself in this predicament in the first place!

Did I ignore the signs of my own health while I was caring for Jim. I thought I did all I was suppose to do caring for Jim for the last five years as Alzheimer’s disease slowly took his person away from us. I fixed healthy meals for both of us – he was a diabetic and it was under control. We exercised as we could. I took time to go to my doctors. I guess I really did not focus on my own health as I should have.

At this point right now all I really want to be focused on is my grieving. I miss Jim.

YES, I am feeling sorry for myself.

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Anne, the fact that your HR, BP and edema has been stable and acceptable (not great, I know but acceptable) is excellent news. Just excellent. It seems the meds he has chosen are doing more than anything you have had in the 9 months you have dealt with this. I am sure you ask yourself what you might have done or not done to get here. You and I both spent 5 years day and night caring for a beloved husband who struggled with Alzheimer's....just focusing on all that involved was beyond the impossible. If you neglected your health, as I KNOW I did (and am paying the price with RA surfacing as a direct result of the stress...and exhaustion), we must know we did the best we could during those many years and since.

I am glad this doc is going for the kidneys also. That has always bothered me that the other docs did not do that.

You call sharing and a bit of venting "feeling sorry for yourself" ...but if I shared equal but different feeling and info, you would not call it "feeling sorry for myself". You are just sharing, Anne....and that is why we are here.

Peace

Mary

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Dear Anne,

Thank you for the updates on the status with the doctors. I am glad to hear that the report is one of stability and further exploration. That sounds very promising to me.

Hardly feeling sorry for yourself, more like sharing your thoughts and feelings, and allowing us the honor of traveling on this journey with you, thank you. It will be very good to have more information from the kidney check, too.

Anne and Mary, I know that after three years I was completely exhausted, and I have no idea how you two made it through five years. I do not mean to draw a comparison, but I can only imagine the effort, grief, loss of your normal life, based on my journey here, and them multiply it by 2. I think all, or most, of the health issues we face are related to the long term caregiving, no matter how much the love and joy in being able to do this for our Beloved. It still takes its toll.

I am thinking about proposing Weekend Wednesdays, which I used to do when I was at NU. My own day off. I have cleared my calendar for tomorrow, and I will stay clear of stress as much as I am able. I am still a bit shaky from this day, but getting better.

Off now, finally, to Music. :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Anne,

I am on 100 mg Losartan Potassium (generic of Cozaar) daily and it helps me but not quite enough, my doctor is switching me to something else, which will require an additional pill to counteract the side effects. I've been on Cozaar for years to manage my BP.

I hope they find a dosage that works well for you and also what causes all of this. I've only been told my heredity is the big thing, which makes me worry about my kids.

You aren't "feeling sorry for yourself", we appreciate your sharing with us. I'm glad the kidney disease is staying at bay!

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fae,

Your Wednesday weekends sounds like a good idea, anything to counteract the thugs! Do whatever you enjoy, whatever makes you relax!

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Hi Kay,

Wednesday weekends used to be my life-saver when I was at NU. I would do things like wash my hair, read, give myself a manicure and pedicure, and take long walks on the beach north of campus, which was within easy walking distance.

I'm sitting here, sipping some delicious decaf, not even doing any needlepoint, and just chilling as I let this sense of being bruised emotionally flow from my body, and slowly exercise my poor legs to counteract the over-striding and running yesterday. I am going to take it very easy today, and just listen to my heart and body. I have yogurt curry made, organic plums and peaches, and some organic sausage I may try with scrambled eggs for dinner. I am trying to take very good care of myself today.

I hope your little package arrives soon. :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Oh Anne thank you for the update. And NO it didn't sound as though you were feeling sorry for yourself (though that is ok anyway) but sharing your feelings with us. So far so good from the sound of it with your treatment. Please keep sharing.

I am having a quiet day after all the activity of the long weekend. I'm getting better at taking rest without feeling guilty. And now to some meditation. I have so many sites I can visit for different kinds so one of my tasks for the near future is to list the good ones.

Peace

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As I read your posts, I am awed by how articulate you all are in sharing your experience of grief, your continued bond with your loved ones and your hope for the future. As a Bereavement Counselor with Hospice of the Valley, I am privileged to hear the love stories of many couples from all walks of life - it is an honor to be here with you on this site. I love Michael Leunig's poems, thank you for being there for each other. Peace as you all continue on your journey towards healing. Joyce

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Dear Jan,

Ah, resting. Good!

I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. I hope you have a wonderful day of rest and recovery, and that the meditation time feels healing and helpful.

And as you sort some of your favorites, I hope you will share a few links here as well. We can all use more meditation, I think.

Much Love, so glad you are having a quiet day!

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Dear Joyce,

I don't think I have said hello to you! Thank you for being with us, and sharing with us. It is comforting and helpful to have our presence with us.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Joyce, thank you! This is a special place to have and be!

Jan, so glad you are taking some time out to rest today...we are all learning from each other how to balance our lives!

fae, Mary keeps us in meditation fodder, does she not! :)

Anne, have I told you how much I love you today?

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Things go wrong. We suffer. Misfortune can cripple our bodies, frazzle our emotions, or fog our intellects. Sometimes life looks so bleak to us that we think we may never recover our former health and happiness. At times like these, empathy and support from others can be not only a comfort but a stimulus toward healing.

We are that support to one another. Yes, Kay, I always need to know that I am loved. Thank you.

I believe that those of us around this 'fire' are strong, loving, caring, and fragile. We never know what words may bring comfort to any one of us at any given moment. We are 'taking care of each other' as we have been directed. I believe that we do give one another hope and love. Anne

fullrainbow.jpg

Hope and Love

As the earth spins into day and night,
so the human soul basks in light
and quivers in darkness.
And as the earth sometimes has foul weather,
the soul too has it hurricanes and rains.

Hope and love are, were, will be.
Hope is God's eternal nudge in our ribs.
Something is ahead
and, knowing not its shape,
we push toward it nonetheless.
Hope pulls us.

Love is everywhere, and always has been.
Love existed before we came to join it.
Love made us.
Love makes us make more of us.
Love is God's radiant comfort in our souls.
Love binds us.

With hope to pull and love to bind,
we need not fear.

When all is seemingly lost,
when it is nighttime in the soul,
when there is wind and rain,
there are yet two forces to sustain us.

Hope.
Love. by Alan Harris

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Thank you, Anne, that is beautiful.

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Hi Kay,

Wednesday weekends used to be my life-saver when I was at NU. I would do things like wash my hair, read, give myself a manicure and pedicure, and take long walks on the beach north of campus, which was within easy walking distance.

I'm sitting here, sipping some delicious decaf, not even doing any needlepoint, and just chilling as I let this sense of being bruised emotionally flow from my body, and slowly exercise my poor legs to counteract the over-striding and running yesterday. I am going to take it very easy today, and just listen to my heart and body. I have yogurt curry made, organic plums and peaches, and some organic sausage I may try with scrambled eggs for dinner. I am trying to take very good care of myself today.

fae, I am celebrating your quiet time...you are a great role model for that. I used to take a Thursday weekend similar to your Wednesday. Bill would plan to do whatever including errands or woodworking and I would jsut have a quiet day to take a long bath, meditate, read, etc. We chose to see clients just 3 days a week so we had the luxury of enjoying each other and time and our woods. People thought we were nuts because we could have earned a lot more money by working 5 but we just wanted time...I hope your dinner was great..it surely sounds great :) Mary

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Jan, I am so glad you are finding it easier to rest....it took me a long time also as you all well know...but I think I am very close to where i want to be. Now it is your turn :) and you are moving into that place where you have permission to take care of yourself.

Joyce, I checked out some of Michael Leunig's poems and I do like them. Thank you for that lead.

fae and Anne, thank you for the lovely posts.

I find myself pretty worn out this evening but need to take Bentley for a walk...so I will return later.

Mary

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A message I give to myself.

from: Transcending loss: Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief

Grief is an invisible wound. It's not obvious that you are hurting, devastated, crushed. In the Victorian era, grievers wore a black armband to signify to the world that they were in mourning. The message was "handle with care, I am grieving." But today, we must forge ahead without a warning label. It's up to you to handle yourself with care.

 
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Thank you, Marty, for leaving us in such good hands when you took some well-deserved time off to be with family. Dee, Joyce, and Kathy all took good care of us during your absence. We tried to be easy on them! Not that we needed to, but just so we would not embarrass our ‘gentle’ moderator! We are all glad that you have joined us once again around our ‘fire.’

post-15704-0-14693800-1373559324_thumb.j

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Mary, and aren't you glad you chose "time" over "money"?! That's what people don't get, it is our time together that is really so precious. Once gone, it cannot be retrieved.

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My dear Anne, you (and all our precious members) are so very, very welcome ~ and I know you were in good hands, what with Kathy, Joyce and Dee keeping a watchful eye on things ~ along with the fact that you all continue to take very good care of one another. (Just one of the things I know we all love about this special place)

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Kay, yes I am glad we took time over money. And I am glad you enjoyed my salad circle....some of those salads are masterpieces. I do not attend often and missed last night as I was tired after a long wonderful day with my friend.

I have slippers on, fae!!

Mary

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My day started out at around 5:30 am - it had rained a little here in The Valley but not enough to make a difference - just made it humid (we are in the monsoon season here in AZ) - I sat out on the patio and hoped for rain but it did not come. Benji is not real happy with mommy because I did not take him to the circle today for his play and walk – He wiggled right out of his harness the other day and it took four of us to get him to come back - I am almost afraid to take him out for fear that we will run away again - I think he'd come back, but I am fearful of him getting hit by a car!!!!! OR worse! I think it is time for some discipline training! I think he is 'testing' me!

My cardiac visit went OK - NO cardiac ablation yet at this time - the doctor wants to continue to increase my medication to see if that will bring down the rapid heart rate - I do not have any infections - I do have damage in the muscle in the left side of the heart - he asked me if I had ever had a heart attack before!!!! I said, “NOT to my knowledge!” I have to go back on Tuesday for another EKG and maybe another echo - when they repeat the echo they are looking for any further enlargement of the heart. He changed some of my meds - put me back on a higher dose of Zestril that lowers the B/P (they had taken me off of it at cardiac solutions), he said that he might increase the Cozaar when he sees me on Tuesday because it helps the heart to pump more effectively, and the added Toprol I'm taking should decrease the heart’s workload - it regulates the heart beat. I am taking so much medicine. I don’t want to be putting all this stuff in my body!

I am tired - I am tired of all the medications - I am tired of being glued to the house for three or three and a half hours when I take the Lasiks to rid my body of fluid - if I don't take it the fluid will fill up around the heart or there is added risk of pulmonary edema. The reality of this whole stinking thing is that I do have congestive heart failure. I don’t like it. I hate what is happening to my usually healthy body. I don’t know if I want to live like this.

I’m in a situation where if I keep going to doctors my quality of life will keep going down hill – if I stop all medications I’ll die! I don’t want to die but I do want quality of life! hummmm

Mary reminded me that when I express my feelings I am NOT whining! So, I am expressing my feelings to those whom I feel ‘safe’ with here around our fire. It is very hard for me to do this, but it is important for me to know that those here know what I really want to be doing and that is grieving for the loss of my Jim. I don’t like these secondary loses. I don’t like being vulnerable. I don’t really know how to be compassionate to ME. It is so much easier to be compassionate to others. I need those around our ‘fire’ to know that I need you. Anne

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