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Eyes - Mary's, Queen Mary's, Kay's And Anyone Else Here...


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Dear Friends,

I am still on the planet. These challenging days find me being extremely emotional and very tired. No glasses work for reading or computer in spite of my efforts to find a creative solution. My left eye has astigmatism so the new readers blur things. The right eye requires a new Rx so my computer glasses do not work in spite of taking out the right lens and putting in a blank. I CAN see distance well enough to drive comfortably now so I got Rx-free sun glasses today. I am actually typing this in a large font in Word and will reduce it, copy-paste it to the post.

I have been sleeping and crying my way through these days. Very emotional. No energy, no focus...getting nothing done. Oh, well! This has all thrown me off guard as I did not expect this. When Bill had cataract surgery he was fine almost immediately..as were some friends. None of them were grieving nor were they scared of coming out without vision, and they all had experience with surgery. And I was there for and with Bill all the time. None of those were true in my case.

I knew this would be tricky but did not expect the overwhelming emotions...almost like the first months after Bill died. I did have a lovely dream about Bill last night...we were happy and affectionate together. I woke up with that dream and instantly started crying. Usually dreams like that do not result in sadness now. They used to but now I am so grateful for moments of feeling like we are together that I feel happier than I do sad. I am really looking forward to these surgeries being behind me so I can have at least a page or two of peace awareness in this chapter of my life and think about someone besides me.

I watched some Super Soul Sunday tapes today...several of them (Brene Brown, Carolyn Myss, Mary Walker, Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, and more). They help as they lift my spirits and remind me of my goal.

I have read a few of your posts in email. But basically I am not on line as it really strains my eyes. The eye drops blur my vision and burn for a couple of hours and then it approaches time to do them again. :) I do not get a new Rx until Sept. 20. So new glasses a week or so later. We have a great local shop. Friends have reached out but I have no energy to sit and talk or go anywhere. Thinking of all of you with gratitude. Peace to your hearts and thank you for all your messages. Anne, I do know you go barefoot!! Harry, stay out of the sinkholes. Kay, I am glad for your weekend. fae, rest. All of you...be peace! In spite of my venting, I am, in the midst of these wild emotions, very aware that I am OK and that my identity IS peace and love. It is just hiding right now.

Mary, with love for all of you.

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Hello all you readers out there. :)

Mary,

I just want to say, that with all you are going through at this time, you are just one amazingly courageous adventurer out here in these Games. I stand and applaud. *<twinkles>* I don't think the Angels could bench you if they wanted to do so. You truly are a total Miracle. Rest, rest, rest, and therefore heal.

Hello All!

I had Reiki today and J. was able to help me release a lot more anger. I am working up to that golden bubble that I can toss from the tips of my fingers and send it away to be healed where healing takes place. Not my job. Client case out the door to FedEx. Karen came to look at working on pocket gardens for me and brought fresh swiss chard from her garden and some of her hens' eggs of many colors. I am surrounded by love. :).

I seem to be in the midst of some huge energetic shift, so I am just going with it, since all the new awareness seems to be lovely Light energies such as love, mercy, forgiveness, humor, joy, compassion, and more . So much energy is being shifted that I am taking naps and sleeping a lot more right now. It is all good. The anger is lessening. I am just writing pages and pages of nasty commentary, printing it out, and tossing it in my big wood stove. :) Soemtimes after I print it, I re-read bits and make more angry notes in RED before I crumple up the pages. Feels very, very good! It will be a great heap of kindling starter for the winter's first fire. Much done in the Studio arranging, but found a well-established mouse nest behind my big Skutt kiln. Mice. I will figure it out.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the house staining, which was a Doug project, and he had planned to be here to supervise it all with the G*dchildren. I think I may need to call in a professional to supervise, at least.

Message of the day, I am sure it comes from somewhere, but it was clear as a bell when I rose from prayers:

"At the close of each day, count your blessings twice and two hurts as one. Close the day with peace and gratitude. Balance the world. "

Well, it certainly cannot hurt to experiment with this for a while ...

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Mary,

Thinking of you...I know this is a hard time...can't wait until end of Sept. when you get new glasses and can READ again!

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Thanks for the large font...that helps...a lot. It is a strain to read anything on line or in print. It seems to irritate the eyes. A combination of Rx and surgery, I believe. Two months of this is not a picnic but I am glad to have the problem... i.e. I CAN see!! :)

Mary

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Kay, you are entirely brilliant! Thank you.

Mary, You have so much *<fairy dust>* around you that you may find yourself leaving the floor occasionally. Just sayin' *<twinkles>*

My grief counselor was right: I have been carrying a lot of Doug's anger, PTS, and other stuff. I am letting it go.

Mary, whistle a happy tune.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Dear Mary,

I've haven't been able to get on the forum for the last two weeks. But, I was saying prayers for your speedy recovery from your eye surgery on 7/24. I've had migraines all my life and two weeks ago started seeing double. I've had that before in my 40's with optic neuritis when the doctor thought it was MS.

Our eye sight is so very precious and I can't imagine how scary it was going through that surgery. But you knew Bill and all your angels were with you. I'm so glad you can cuddle with Bentley again.

I went to two different doctors for help. The eye physician I saw looked at me and said, it's a stroke, and I want to you call your primary care immediately and get a brain scan. Then five minutes later after looking into my eyes and reading info on her computer, she changed her mind and said to not pay attention to what she said about it being a stroke, because she now believed the double vision was due to the migraines and a shortage of blood to the fourth nerve in my eye. Thank God my daughter was there with me. Needless to say I was so upset. All this physician told me to do was to go home and rest.

Next morning my daughter rushed me to urgent care because I was dizzy and my heart was pounding and still seeing double and dizzy. The doctor at urgent care checked me out very thoroughly and said he believed the double vision was caused by migraines and that the eye doctor should not have told me it was a stroke which caused me to experience an anxiety attack and made things worse. The urgent care doctor said the eye doctor should have prescribed prednisone for seven days to resolve the double vision. Needless to say, I am never going back to that eye doctor. my double vision finally resolved yesterday.

You are one strong lady to have gone through all that you have so far. I'm still praying that your second surgery on August 20 goes smoothly, August 20th will be one year since my Marco passed. Being on this forum and going to a grief support group at church has gotten me through this difficult first year. I am so thankful for all the caring and compassionate people on this forum.

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pumpkin,

Any doctor that would diagnose something so severe I would definitely get a second opinion. I'm glad your vision is resolved. Finish out the Prednisone anyway so it doesn't reoccur. I had double vision years ago and it was due to my eyes not tracking together...I have a lazy eye. I had to go through eye therapy to bring them back in line together. If they start to do it, I do a couple of eye exercises and it works like a charm. It happens mostly when I'm tired or under stress.

Even if your eye doctor suspected stroke, they should have kept quiet until after they'd run tests to confirm it, that's ridiculous and I hope she learned from it.

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I am not reading posts or posting except to say I am in Chicago, safe, and will see MD in the morning.i will post when I get home tomorrow evening. Thank you all for caring and understanding. I am more level emotionally today.

Love and peace

Mary

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Anne,

Thank you for the great spirit prayer.

Mary,

You are on my heart today...am wondering what you learned.

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It has been a frightening day with a decent/OK even good ending (still to be determined). I am very stressed out. I just got home at 7:30. A friend called and offered to get Bentley before the kennel closed...so nice he was here when I got here. I suspected all week that something might be wrong. So when I went in and the technician ran some vision tests..in prep for the MD, she was puzzled that my vision was not what it should be. I asked what the possibilities were and she said it could have been swelling or anything....

So Sharon comes in and is surprised at the results and sees that numbers are not matching up on piles of tests..before and after tests. Runs a long series of tests. She knows the surface of my eye is irritated and suspects that one med irritated it and that it is dry but those did not account for the readings and numbers and vision. I knew my vision was worse today compared to last Thursday...

After two+ hours of tests...and talking...and a lot of stress...she tells me that except for the irritated and dry surface which has been very frustrating, this is what is wrong. When a cataract surgery is done the exterior layer of the lens is left in the eye and over time it shrink wraps around the new artificial lens and the placement of the lens is based on the gazillions of measurements they take ahead of time. In a rare instance the lens shifts a microscopic amount because of the makeup or shape of my eye and it is a torque lens for astigmatism..to boot and that microscopic shift affects my vision..big time. Leaving me with two options so far. She may suggest more on the 20th when we do more tests and measurements. One is to remove that new lens (in another surgery on that eye) and place another lens in. The other is correct the vision with a Rx. Well for me there is no choice as I planned to wear glasses anyway so I do not have t take glasses on and off every time I want to read...the reading would basically be the same as it has been but clear with the cataract gone. She had told me I probably would not need a Rx for distance after surgery. The word probably is a BIG word...I now know... leaving me with the option to wear reading glasses or full glasses with no Rx in the top. I asked what she would do and she agreed that wearing glasses which I will need anyway for reading and correcting the top of the lens to match the new vision (which is opposite of what it was) is certainly acceptable but I also sensed her disappointment that the surgery did not turn out perfect. She is extremely OCD when it comes to surgery. She said if I wanted to remove the new lens that is what she would do but it was my call. Considering the risks there is no option here. I asked her if just correcting it with a Rx was safe...and she said yes. She wants me to come down early on the 20th (day before surgery) for a long series of tests measurements again so she can compare for the left (non surgical) eye which is scheduled for the 21st. I will not have torque in that eye as the astygmatism is not as bad. She said this whole thing is extremely rare and that the makeup of my eye in spite of all the measurements causes the problem because the measurements assume the lens placement...The good news is that the cornea is unchanged, pressures are fine, optic nerve is fine, NO swelling, etc.

Needless to say I am like a wet rag but I am home. I am trying to focus on the fact that my eye came through ok....but the lens is a microscopic hair off. It may shift before the next surgery...hence the next batch of tests. So it is still unknown at this point...it could get worse or better, I guess. I was so tired I did not think of some questions which I will write out and call on later in the week.

As you can imagine, I am shaken and weepy. It was a LONG drive home with fatigue, construction, and heavy traffic. NO rain... She removed the med she suspects, added artificial tears so that will help with the constant irritation and I start to cut back on drops over the coming almost three weeks. 4x a day now, then 3 for a week, then 2 for a week and then 1 for 4 days.

Very tired. Thank you all for caring. Anne, I got your email and I know you are worried sick about Benji. I wish I could call you tonight but I am empty. Just empty.

Queen Mary...remember my eye is ok....and this is RARE....

Mary

She said using the computer or reading won't hurt my eyes but it does tire them so it is up to me...I will not use it much. She said i could read all day and it won't hurt them. It just is tiring as no glasses work for distance, computer or reading. Now i know why.

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Oh Mary, what luck! Some of the news is good, some of it is less than hoped for. All in all at least it'll work with corrective lenses, but it's so hard to wait. I can see why they want to wait, make sure it doesn't do any more changing. I am NOT looking forward to getting cataract surgery. They ruined my mom's eyes and my sister's (both had different types of surgery) and frankly it scares me having anyone coming at my eyes with a scalpel (or laser). But when it reaches the point there's no alternative, I'll have to deal with it.

I hope you and Bentley have a good night tonight and get lots of rest, along with Anne and Benji.

Extra hugs!!!

Kay

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You have had a long and tiring day, Mary. I am so glad that someone had Bentley already at the house. I hope you have not scheduled anything for the weekend so that you can get some much deserved rest. Benji is doing fine. I have rested. Tomorrow is a new day. :wub:

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Dear Mary,

Woof. You've had quite a day. At least the news is not catastrophic--which is honestly what I feared at the start of your post; that the cornea was going and you were in big trouble.

I know you are frustrated. And worn out and wrung out. I can't imagine what today was like, truly, for you. But you can rest now. Be well and give Bentley a scratch for us all.

Peace,

Harry

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Thinking of you Mary,

It's good to know Bentley is there with you.

Stephen

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My Dear Mary, I was not on the computer at all yesterday, spent the day preparing, running and folding inserts for the program at the OAC office for Peter Pan, which opens tonight. I am so sorry you did not get the best report, however, it sounds like this can be dealt with, without more surgery on that eye. The cornea is still good, and that was a great concern. I am glad you are home, and just rest and be with Bentley. There is nothing you can do, except be patient, and wait, and I know that is very difficult. Thinking of you

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Dear Friends,

I thank you for reading that lengthy explanation and for supporting me on this journey. I fell asleep in the chair early last evening, woke up around 11 and fell back to sleep again waking up IN the chair at 5am. I have never done that in my life. The phone woke me at 8am....with an apologetic voice on the other end. My friends know not to call me early as I meditate etc. I have them "trained" :)

I am washed out today and my only outing will be walking Bentley and picking up mail. I have no plans this weekend.

With the permission from my MD to starting using artificial tears again in between the Rx drops my vision is better. Part of why my vision was so bad yesterday is the irritated surface from the medication and dryness. She kept telling me to blink as that clears up the vision but my eye was so dry that it did not help. I am just grateful my eye is ok...living with the unknown as three people are conferring in the examination room was frightening but I was grateful that she was communicating with me during that time as opposed to me sitting elsewhere wondering what was happening. Sharon said she was explaining everything in detail to me because she knows I will just try to figure things out myself and drive myself crazy. She knows me. At one point early on I had to wait an hour so I sat and did lovingkindness meditation and prayer to strengthen my ability to accept the outcome. It helped a LOT.

So now I prepare for the next round including another round of extensive testing the day before surgery. One friend emailed me and said we will team the driving next time...i.e. others help with the driving...a lot. I had that offer this time but it is just easier to drive myself as I can just be quiet and relax. I think next time after surgery, I will leave the monastery on the same day but go to a nearby motel for a couple of days and hang out before I drive home.

Thanks again for all your messages. I will pop in and out a bit but mostly I am resting my exhausted eyes and being. I love you all.

Mary

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I'm glad you are resting this weekend and if you get plenty of sleep that will do wonders for your eyes!

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Dear Friends, I am up for an award for "people who sleep a lot". Slept the day away. BTW I am ok reading regular size print...now that I know it does not hurt my eyes....but just tires them. I thank Kay and all who followed in her footsteps for the large font. I am not reading everything...too tiring but am skimming some email notifications.

fae, I love your property. How deep is your kiva?

anne, I hope you are also getting a bit caught up with sleep...your lunch sounds awesome. It is Friday in Wisconsin which means Fish fry or fish broil or fish bake (used to be fish fry until healthy eating came along :) A friend just called and invited me over for leftovers (her company just left)...so since I have slept all afternoon...I will buzz over.

Until later,

Mary

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