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The Girl I Was Dating Dumped Me

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Seven years ago I started dating someone who was truly wonderful. She has severe adhd which kept the relationship from reaching its full potential (as well as her own) but I was willing to accept that since she is unlike anyone I've met before.

It's been 7 months now since I last saw her. Her dad had been ill for some time and was admitted to hospice care this past spring. He died in late April, I didn't contact her at all for a full week afterward (except to offer my condolences) because I know that the first few days after a death are very busy (not to mention painful). When I did contact her again she answered "I just don't feel like doing anything right now, I'm sorry" (understandable). So I backed off again for a few days, then just one month after her dad's death two of her relatives were hospitalized on the same day with life threatening issues, then to top it all off a friend of hers was murdered just 3 days later. When I texted her again she told me "now is not the time for us to see each other". In the 3 months that followed I texted her most every day asking if she wanted to get together; the most common answer I got was simply "busy". If I texted her about anything else she didn't answer. Then one night at the beginning of this month I felt the need to text her saying "I miss you sooo much! :'-(" (which after reading other posts on here I now realize was a BIG mistake!) then I was dealt the blow. She answered "I didn't know how to tell you this but when Dad died I started going to church, met someone there and started dating him. I have a boyfriend now so we need to stop talking. I'll always be grateful we had each other but I liked you more as a friend."

Let me tell you, those first few days afterward were pure HELL! I went for 30 hours straight without sleep, I drank Coke and Pepsi the whole next day to stay focused at work, and my doctor even called me in for an emergency session with a followup one week later (I'm in treatment for an anxiety disorder). I'm now at the point where I feel fine one minute then lousy the next; mornings are particularly bad for some reason. However, there is one thing I can be VERY thankful for.....this hasn't impaired my ability to function normally and independently.

Many people including my doctor have told me that it's likely she'll come back, I just have to give her space. I know now that's EXACTLY what I should have been doing these past few months. One person even told me "Her head is spinning and she doesn't know what she's doing. No one will ever treat her as good as you did, so in time she'll start missing you". However, I'm not going to sit around and hold on to what could be false hope; I've already started looking for someone new. I would be lying though if I were to say that I'm not hoping she comes back.

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Pollara   

Hi arbitrator. I am really sorry that you are in the same position as we did.
Don't say that it was a big mistake that you told her that you miss her so much cause she already had started dating with the other guy.

See the problem in most of the cases is that people get into depression due to grieving and don't have it into them to start a new relationship.

they don't have the energy to deal with the matters a relationship needs. Since she found the energy for another guy and couldn't find it for you.

I will be blunt, the chances that your girlfriend will return to you are really low. Since she found energy for some other I cannot see why you relate this to her grief. Well it might have a correlation but the fact is that she is with another guy. Why do you want to be with a girl that she found another guy?

I know that we like to excuse them and justify them and attribute everything to grief but for me we should look a little ourselves. Well it would have been nice to understand that you were the best for her and return back but what if the other guy dumps her and she will come back? will you accept her?
And in any case, for some unknown reason, it seems that people like to give hope to others even if the situation is a dead end end. If a friend of mine was telling me that I would just tell him to forget her and even if she comes back to not accept her. Grief can be responsible for a lot of thing but not to extent to lose our self respect.

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Thank you for your response Pollara. I was saying that telling her I miss her was a mistake because I have found from other posts that saying something like that makes you come off as needy, and a needy person is the last thing a grieving person needs. This would all be a lot easier if we didn't get along but it was just the opposite. We never fought or even yelled at each other.

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One other thing, I'm thinking that the "boyfriend" may just be a male friend (she has many) and that what she told me may have been a desperate attempt to make me go away (if it was, it worked). She shut me out once before, didn't say a thing to me for 9 months, then came back saying "it was a bad time in my life and I needed my own space, that's all". We're not talking about a bf/gf relationship here, we were only dating. That may not be enough for some, but I was quite happy with it.

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kayc   

I hate to tell you this, but it's highly unlikely she'll be back for more than friendship, esp. since she's already seeing someone. It's not your fault, it's just what happens as a result of grief a lot of the time. Ask any of us. It's a shame. I'm sorry you're going through it, stay in close touch with your doctor to get your anxiety disorder under control, it's pretty tough during breakups...ask me.

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Also, it would be okay with me if she came back for friendship. We've been "just friends" for the past 6 years, but some of the things we've done together would be considered by some to be more than that. I can't go into details; she values privacy and I still feel honor bound to respect that. There's no way we're ever getting married and I'm okay with that too. My doctor told me himself that you don't marry someone with adhd, especially when it's untreated. I have a pic titled ""Just Friends" showing a man and woman being intimate but I can't post it here; it may be inappropriate.

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Thank you Pollara and KayC for your replies.

It's quite simple, really. She has adhd and all through the time we were dating we made so many plans together but when it came right down to making them happen, it was always "I can't, I'm busy". And my doctor told me that because of this she simply doesn't have the ability to hold up her end of a relationship. As he put it: "This relationship simply went as far as it could go because you're growing and she's not". It's holding her back in other aspects of her life as well. If it weren't for the fact that I know what it's like to be held back by an untreated mental health issue, I may have just moved on a long time ago. Pollara, you were saying that she has enough energy for someone else but not for me. I think a better way to think of it is that she doesn't have the energy to keep up with me (especially now since her father died) but the guy she's with now may require less energy because he may be stuck in neutral just like she is. KayC, the relationship actually never went farther than intimate friendship; her adhd kept it from evolving into a regular bf/gf relationship.

In any case, I'm hoping to hear from her again sometime in the future so I can tell her that I never meant to put pressure on her or be insensitive: I was simply trying to reach out to her and let her know I'm still there for her. However, I am NOT going to contact her first. From all the other posts I've seen here, I know now that I have to give her space.

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kayc   

Hmmm...my last husband was ADHD (untreated since he was a teenager), maybe that had something to do with how he checked out of our relationship. If so, you're wise to not go there.

Do you find it's painful to love someone that you can't evolve fully into a relationship with?

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Yes KayC, I did. But I found it became easier when I discussed her behavioral patterns with my doctor and he told me that's what she had. I even took a chance and let her know about it and much to my surprise she didn't get upset with me; she actually admitted she needed help. Unfortunately, she never got it. My guess is that she will have to hit rock bottom before she does.

I work with someone who has known her from childhood (recently hired). She asked me today how she's doing and I told her that I hadn't seen her since before her dad died and she has completely shut me out. She answered "I'm not surprised, her and her dad were really close".

I'm really glad Google Search directed me to this site, it's helpful and comforting to know that dumping one's significant other is a common grief reaction.

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kayc   

Hard to understand, but yes, it seems to be.

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There's one thing I forgot to mention: She has a tendency to tell white lies where matters of privacy or personal protection are concerned. There were times when she would get calls while we were out and she would tell them she was doing something completely different. She told me from the beginning that she's a private person and you can't completely protect your privacy and be 100 percent honest at the same time.

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Having read others' posts here and seeing scenarios which are surprisingly similar to my own, I have begun to wonder about something......does a love relationship carry more (or higher) expectations and/or require more energy than a family relationship or friendship? If it does, maybe this is why we are finding ourselves grieving the loss of our significant others due to their own grief. I've seen posts where only the significant others were shut out but the family/friends remain unaffected.

This past week someone who knows my XGF asked me how she's doing and I told them I hadn't seen her since before her Dad died and she has completely shut me out now. They answered "I'm not surprised, her and her Dad were really close".

Finally, there is something I would like to share with the group. It's a little embarassing but I'd like to share it nonetheless. When I graduated high school (back in the days before the internet, Facebook, social media, etc.) I worried I would lose touch with the girl I loved back then. Three months later a new TV show premiered, "Finder Of Lost Loves", which I immediately took an extreme liking to because I thought it would be wonderful if there were someone like that in real life in case I did lose touch with her. Long story short, years later I found out she wasn't who I thought she was, so everything worked out for the best. Now that I've lost my XGF to her grief process, I've taken a renewed interest in FOLL and have even found a website dedicated to it and getting it released on DVD (something quite rare for a show that lasted only one season!). I guess you could say she IS lost, just not in a missing person kind of way but lost inside her own world of grief.

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Pollara   

I don't know. I decided to cut off excuses and any hope that we are going to be togerher ever again. I decided to be realist and since then, I am doing better. All the time that I was trying to find excuses regarding his grief etc I only harmed myself.

Today a common friend came and asked me, when are you going to return to your country? I told her I don't know and I am not in a hurry since there is nothing waiting for me there, friends included. I don't care whether she will transfer it to him or not. Enough is enough.

For your own sake, I try to persuade anyone not to hold any hopes. Even 20% is true, it is their own problem after all.

In the end you know what? My ex seems to do very well while on the other hand I stayed 7.5 months in hell which I currently believe is worse than his. Yes I know that some people here might get pissed off about what I am saying but I really don't care

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Today, after only 4 hours of sleep last night and a splitting headache lasting half the morning, I thought about doing something that was done when my Dad died in hospice last year. A memorial contribution to the hospice was made in memory of him. It wasn't done anonymously; they notified me who made it. I'm thinking about making a memorial contribution in memory of my XGF's Dad (the same hospice cared for him). I don't plan on doing it right away; I'm thinking when the holidays get here (worst time for the grieving) and I plan on keeping it modest. I'd like to hear advice and opinions about this because I'm worried that it could be another mistake. In a way, I see it as making amends for unintentionally putting pressure on her the past few months because I may never get the chance to apologize to her and explain that I was only trying to reach out to her, not be a nuisance.

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kayc   

I don't see that as a gesture that would ever be out of line, so long as your motives are in the right place (no expectation attached).

I feel the same way Pollara, as soon as I let go of hope and determined not to cry over him again, and accepted that we were done in our relationship, I began to do much better. It was the vacilating and him yanking me around emotionally that was hard.

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My doctor had recommended that I take one hour of "grieving time" each day and look at pictures of my XGF, something I have been reluctant to do because I was afraid of what it might do to me. But last night I took a chance and went into the "pain file" on my computer and looked at some of her pics, but only for a few minutes. I find that it wasn't as difficult as I thought, and I was able to get 8 hours of sleep last night and no headache this morning (thank God). This entire pattern of hers is consistent with when she shut me out for most of 2008 when she was "going through a bad time in her life" but I'm still looking for someone new, not sitting around and holding on to what could be false hope.

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kayc   

Good for you!

When Jim broke up with me, I packed up all of his stuff and dropped it off with his roommate the next morning. Everything he gave me I put away so I wouldn't have to see it. It is still painful to look at, and I reckon I should get rid of it.

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Pollara   

Arbitrator, I will be really blunt to the point that you might not like what I am going to say, but in the future you will see that I don't have any bad intentions. I don't know what your doctor has said to you and I am not a doctor myself, but to me it is totally unforgivable to see one hour per day the images of the person you lost. Frankly, until now I knew the only good solution to move on was to cut off any attachments, including gifts, images and personal stuffs. Also to me it seems that your doctor wants to give you hopes in staying in this sick situation instead of moving on.

You didn't do anything wrong and your girl for me was abusing you even before the death. She left once and she returned, you didn't even had a normal relationship. I don't believe she told lies to you that she is seeing another guy. Why do you want a girl that she doesn't seem to care for you that much anyway?

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Pollara, you're right; it is a sick situation. Her adhd (sickness) is the reason we didn't have a normal relationship. Beneath that, she is a very kind and caring person, I've seen it in her. She simply doesn't have the ability to keep up with what you call a "normal relationship". I've been thinking back to when I was her age when I had no idea how I would ever make it on my own. Now I don't know why I ever felt that way. In the same way her adhd keeps her from making logical, rational decisions and as a result she is struggling and missing out on life. Her father's death has pushed her off the edge. Treatment would change all of this for her, but unfortunately that's not something I can make happen; only she can.

I've told my doctor many times about how I thought she was using me and he always said "I see no indication that she's using you, but I see every indication that her life is a mess".

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kayc   

This "doctor" you're referring to, is he a therapist? If so, does he specialize in something? I kind of wondered about the logic in that (spending an hour a day...) too. It isn't necessary to shove it in our face for us to deal with it, it makes more sense to protect ourselves and deal with it little by little as we are ready and able. There's something to be said for clean breaks too. And when we are finally able to view it with emotional detachment, we can see that they are deficient and not something we need to attach ourselves to anyway.

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KayC, he's a psychiatrist. I first suspected 4 years ago my XGF has adhd and when I talked to him about it he said "Yes, from everything you've told me about her that's very likely" then just 2 years ago when we made plans to go out to lunch and when I went to pick her up we ended up texting back and forth while I waited for her to come out, she kept saying she didn't know if she wanted to go or not. Then when I left she blew up my phone with 6 texts and 4 calls pleading with me to turn around and come back, she was ready to go. 4 days later I had my next session and when I told him about it, he immediately said "that's adhd, there's no question about it anymore, she has it".

Part of my treatment is informing my doctor about anything unusually stressful which could result in my having panic attacks again. I do this by emailing him. Last month when she texted me saying "she's dating someone, she'll always be grateful we had each other but liked me more as a friend, she just didn't know how to tell me", I immediately emailed him about it and he replied "You are free!! And......likely she'll come back if you want her".

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Pollara   

Well I really don't know what to say. How did he come to this conclusion?

And also all relationship advisors the first thing to advice is to remove all attachments to your ex and then focus on yourself and go no contact. I have never heard of going over and over the pics everyday. Once I did it by mistake while I was trying to remove and it mess my whole week. Imagine to do that everyday.

I am not a doctor but I have friends who are psychologists and this doesn't sound healthy to me. Unless he wants to give you hopes in order not to tell you the truth and you collapse.

And how can someone tell what kind of disorder someone has without examining her and judging by a mere incident?

To me she is not that messed as you want to believe. Or maybe she wasn't is the right term. She had just taken you for granted and when she found guys more interesting than you (according to her) she was having a relationship with them. When things didn't turn out well she came back to you. But to my humble opinion she is not in love with you. She knows that you will already be there and she is taking advantage of it. If this isn't abusive then what is it?

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kayc   

It seems very hasty to me that he can conclude anything when he's never examined her! That is just amazing to me! Most doctors might say "she MAY have xxxx" but to conclude that from that bit of conversation is way premature! Honestly, for that alone I would have to wonder about his competence!

I just can't help but feel you are better off for not being in a relationship like this. I hope you both consider and find someone that is into YOU and treats you well. They exist, my son found one after many years of keeping his eye out, but he had to turn down a whole lot of good looking fun gals meanwhile...the key was, he knew what he was looking for and they weren't it...his now wife is. He is so glad he waited!

Good luck to you. Don't let this doctor goad you into hoping for her. It's NOT a good idea. I don't think I need a medical degree to know that, I have life experience and common sense that speaks to me.

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There is a lot that I haven't posted on here about her for the simple reason that I am worried that by some twist of fate she will find this forum and what I have posted. However, because my doctor maintains a strict confidentiality policy I have told him everything there is to tell about her (including multiple incidents, not just a single one). I've shown him texts from her and even played her voicemails for him to listen to. I should also point out that he is reverred in his field and comes highly recommended. There is NO question about his competence, I have run his name through 2 provider rating websites. There have never been any disciplinary actions against him and he has received rave reviews.

Pollara, my better judgement tells me that you are right. Unfortunately there are only 2 things that will get me through this:

1) She comes back and agrees to start a new relationship, even if it's just friends at first. I will accept her but NOT her adhd coping strategies; they are unfair to both of us.

2) I find someone new who will help me forget all about her.

Smart money says it's #2.

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