kayc Posted February 22, 2014 Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Could be, or might not either. I mean, maybe he reminds her of that period of time, whereas someone new wouldn't? But it doesn't much matter what their reasoning is, the point is, it's over, and he's honestly better off without her. Hard to adjust to, cruel, undeserved, but I really believe he'll find the right one someday. Sometimes we think we know who the right one is but we're shown differently on down the road, and this is one of those cases. Hope you're doing okay, arbitrator. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted February 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 Thank you KayC I am doing better now and the one thing that helps me to be better is knowing that she's struggling and I'm not. I can pay my bills and she can't pay hers. I helped her out with a lot of things and the only thing I asked for in return was that we made a date out of it. She won't get terms like that from anyone else; they will tire of her dependent ways very quickly and run for the hills. Also, I have now had two coworkers (both female) tell me "she had a good man and she didn't even know it". I told one of them about the "I'll never find my soulmate" tweet and they told me "she let him pass her by". I've had a couple of conversations on Twitter with the bff in the past week which also helps me feel better, but I do NOT bring up the ex. If she brings her up I'll simply say "She shut me out when her dad died. She wants nothing to do with me. Turns out it's a typical grief reaction." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted March 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2014 This past week I had my 3-month session with my psychiatrist. He offered me an interesting analogy which actually made me feel better. "You stood on her porch and knocked and knocked on her door but she never let you in. She didn't do this out of cruelty or sadism, but because her life is such a mess she simply felt she couldn't open the door for you even though she really wanted to." He feels it's wrong that I'm amused by her indigence; however, I feel that I'm entitled to this because of the pain and suffering she has caused me. I continue to communicate with her bff (who has now given me her cell # so we can text each other) but not about her; I will only talk about her if asked, then the only thing I will say is "She shut me out when her dad died, she wants nothing to do with me. I always treated her with respect then she did this to me, so I am the better person". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 8, 2014 Report Share Posted March 8, 2014 I understand your psy's feeling about that but then perhaps he hasn't been through this himself. You were good to her, you treated her well, so now she needs to know what life is like w/o you in it helping her. It's never good to be gleeful about someone's sorry demise, but on the other hand, sometimes people do need to realize how well off they had it and then they threw it all away. It's not even about who is better, she is in a place where she can't deal with a relationship with you right now, but you keep taking the high road and doing the right thing...it will come back to you someday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted March 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2014 I helped her out in a lot of ways and the only thing I ever asked for in return is that we make a date out of it. We usually went out to dinner because that was about all she could ever fit into her "busy" schedule. It was a win-win for her because I picked up the cost of everything. I even told her once that when we do it that way, as far as I was concerned it was give and take and she owed me nothing. She answered that with "awww, that's so sweet". She will NEVER get terms like that from anyone else; at the very least they will expect her to put out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 9, 2014 Report Share Posted March 9, 2014 To me it's a red flag if one person does all of the giving. Both should care about each other and automatically want to show it by giving to each other, whether in a friendship or a relationship. It needn't be monetary, but something! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted March 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2014 Yesterday my ex posted a selfie on Twitter looking as unhappy and impoverished as she was the last time I saw her more than a year ago.....lol. I know it seems cruel to be amused by this, but what she did to me was equally if not more cruel. I'm still in communication with both her bff (unless she has a new bff) and one of her other acquaintances through texting and social media...this is really helping me with the healing process. I don't ask them about her though or even mention her, that would just wreak of desperation. I regret now that I didn't keep our relationship at a friends with benefits level. The first few months we dated I thought that was all that we were doing and it was wonderful. Then one night when we went out to dinner she referred to me as her "boyfriend" then I was like "Oh, ok. Cool! I have a girlfriend!" Then after a few months her life became complicated and everything fell apart, then I started being asked by friends and family why they never met her; a few even asked when to expect wedding invitations. Then almost a year ago her dad died and she shut me out. How funny is this? She once said to me "when my dad dies I'll really be looking to you for support". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 31, 2014 Report Share Posted March 31, 2014 It sounds like your relationship just "happened" rather than looking for the right person and choosing her. I hope next time it will be someone of your choosing and someone that is a positive choice for you. And I hope it works out. I know how hard break ups can be. The advice given to not relish in her misfortune remains good advice, no matter what she's done. I know she didn't handle things well with you and perhaps grief is no excuse, but she was grieving and as such, was in a state of fog. Try to take the upper road and sincerely wish her well (not in person, but in her thoughts). Be glad you are not "friends with benefits", you don't want to use her, it's best to have a clean break and be on your way...easier for moving on that way. Sex ties you to someone, emotionally at least, and can have unwanted results (pregnancy) that can tie you for life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted April 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2014 It's been quite a day today It's my ex's birthday and four of her friends messaged me on Facebook telling me to wish her a happy bday and to tell her they love her and miss her. Of course, I had to tell them "she's not speaking to me, she shut me out when her dad died. Sorry, I can't help you". One told me "I can't believe she broke up with you, you treated her gooood!!!". They also told me "I'm sure the two of you will be friends again". I'm not waiting for that to happen, I'm still actively looking for someone new (not finding though). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 4, 2014 Report Share Posted April 4, 2014 I'm so sorry, it seems like it was a bum day, and I didn't see this yesterday. Thank goodness bad days don't last forever, and you got through it. You will find someone, there's plenty of people looking for someone nice. What are you doing to try and find someone? My son found his wife on line, I know you have to sift through some fakes and jerks but if you keep your eyes open and are careful, it can happen, to find the right one. Let your friends all know you are looking for someone too, perhaps one of them will run across the right one for you. Don't give up hope! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted April 7, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 You're right KayC, there are plenty of people. The problem is making the connection; they don't wear signs that say "I'm available". I'm actively participating in online dating (big joke) and I also go to restaurants on a regular basis to try to get to know some of the wait staff; this allows me to show the real me and hopefully capture the attention of someone who likes what she sees (I met my ex in this way). My story has taken another twist. It seems my ex's bff sent her a slanderous email about me saying that I'm asking about her and trying to gather info on her (total lie). I got tweets from her about this yesterday and saying that she's "scared for her and her son's well being" (understandable since she can't pay her bills and is totally dependent upon others). I simply replied saying I honestly didn't know what she was talking about. Her birthday was also this past week and some of her friends messaged me on Facebook asking me to wish her a happy birthday and tell her they love her and miss her. I was only able to say "she's not speaking to me, she shut me out when her dad died. Sorry, I can't help you". One of them replied "I can't believe she dumped you, you treated her good". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 It seems any contact you have with her or about her ends with you feeling bad, so maybe it's time to totally block her and those she knows. If there are mutual friends you don't want to let go of, make it clear to them that they are NOT to bring her up to you. If they can adhere to that, fine, if not, let them go. I think it'd be best for your well being. You don't need someone who slanders you, insinuates bad things about you, or reminds you of anything negative. You're a good person that didn't get what you deserved. Your energy is best spent being open to someone new that would treat you better and appreciate you. I know you haven't met that person yet, but you will. Meanwhile, try not to focus on that as much as just living and enjoying your life. Reconnect with family and friends that you may not have had as much time to see when you were in a relationship. Seek new hobbies, join a gym, take a class, anything that focuses your energy on something positive. Live for YOU! It will happen, all in due time, probably when you least expect it. You might try attending church, joining a club, anything that gets you out around people. The more contacts you have, the more likely you'll find her. Let us know when you do! We'll all rejoice with you! I met my late husband, of all places, when I was doing prison ministry through my church and had written a letter to the editor about it...George wrote to me about the letter, we clicked, and the rest is history. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I'd meet my future husband and soulmate that day I took pen in hand! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted April 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2014 Last night I told my ex via Twitter that it was her friends who were asking me about her, not the other way around. I also told her that as far as my getting info on her, she had been lied to. Normally I would be reluctant to contact her for fear of being accused of harassment, but Twitter is different. When you tweet someone, it's like posting a message on a wall and hoping they walk by and see it. Since she has me blocked, she's not notified about my tweets. I feel I have the right to defend myself against accusations. She responded though, which means she has to be looking up my account and reading my tweets. She told me "she doesn't have any friends so she doesn't know what I'm talking about". Also, it was mylife.com who sent her the email saying I was looking for her. I don't understand this because I'm not even on that site and I certainly wouldn't ask them to obtain info on her because I know she wouldn't appreciate that. It's clear now that I'm not the only one who's shut out, it's everyone else who cares about her too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 mylife.com will send that message years after the fact, so if you have EVER looked up anything on her, they will state it, makes it sound like it's current when it isn't. So you now know she is keeping tabs on you with her tweets. Honestly, I feel any contact with her isn't good for you, it just upsets you. I'd block her from anything/everything and not make any contact. You don't have to defend yourself to someone who isn't important to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted April 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 It doesn't upset me KayC, it actually makes me feel better. Now more than ever I know that it's not my fault, I didn't do anything to cause this. If I had, she would be slinging insults at me among other things. She needs professional help but she's not getting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pollara Posted April 16, 2014 Report Share Posted April 16, 2014 I agree with Kay. Stop concerning yourself over her whereabouts. The more you do that, the more you end up hurting yourself. It has been a while now. If she changes in the future then you will deal with it. Just let it go for your own good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted June 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2014 Sorry I haven't been around in a while....I finally got my new computer my old one was freezing, crashing and rebooting then repeating. About a month ago my ex took pics of 3 dresses and 2 pairs of shoes I helped her get then tweeted them. In less than 24 hours she deleted the tweets. She was probably hoping to get a rise out of me but I wasn't going to let that happen. Since then I have been sure to tweet everything good that happens in my life; I figure if she wants to watch me on Twitter I'll give her something to look at. I just wish someone new would come along so I could do some selfies of us, then I would tweet those and let her look at THAT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 21, 2014 Report Share Posted June 21, 2014 You're giving her entirely too much thought. While you're trying to impress her with how well you're doing, she still has a hold of your heart. Cut off all contact and you'll really be past her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted June 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2014 Yes you're right KayC, I do give her entirely too much thought, but it's only because I haven't found a replacement for her (yet). I'm not trying to impress her; it simply makes me feel better to know that she can't support herself and has to depend upon others. She can't have a hold on my heart because there's nothing left to hold on to, she ripped it to pieces...lol. I'll only be really past her when someone else replaces her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 21, 2014 Report Share Posted June 21, 2014 Even wanting karma or revenge on someone shows they play too much into your thoughts. You know you are over them when you don't think one way or another about them. You and her have not maintained a friendship after the breakup, if you had it'd be different, but if I recall she wasn't very nice to you in her breakup, correct me if I'm wrong. You don't need a replacement to be over someone. Trust me, I've survived many breakups! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 25, 2014 Report Share Posted June 25, 2014 arbitrator, Keep us posted how you're doing, I've been following your thread for quite some time. I think it'll all work out for you in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted July 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2014 My story has taken something of an interesting twist. One of my ex's friends, whom she also shut out, her boyfriend dumped her, saying he was tired of all the drama. He has contacted me saying that he wants to exchange racy pictures of our exes. I refuse to do this not only because I made a promise that my ex's pics would stay between us, but because I cannot risk having my ex file a lawsuit against me. As you already know, the one thing that really helps me is thinking about how she is completely indigent and I am completely independent, so I have no need for revenge porn and I will not turn the tables so that she is independent and I am indigent. It also helps that I now have another person to talk to, someone who has been through a bad relationship and breakup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 22, 2014 Report Share Posted July 22, 2014 I would hope to hell you wouldn't participate in something like that! I would not even have contact with him because he's already shown his character, but that's just me, I have high standards for whom I'd want as a friend. Being in a place of wanting revenge is not a healthy place and I would worry about his influence. That said, it's your choice, I just hope you'll consider that. I am glad you take the high road and do not want to exact revenge...revenge is one of those funny things that comes back to bite the person exacting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted August 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2014 Revenge is a dish which is best served cold, but I have no need for it. I only need to think about how she has to depend on others for everything and I don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted September 1, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2014 I wanted to wait until this Saturday, the one year anniversary of my being dumped, to post this but I really want to share it. After what her friends and acquaintances have told me, as well as findings from my own social media research, I have determined that my ex's dad's death is not the main reason why she dumped me. It may have something to do with it, but is not the main reason. The month after her dad died her living arrangement with her female roommate fell apart, presumably when she went to live with someone she had been seeing. She posted on Facebook that she got married, but the only comments were ones of shock, to which she answered "I'll explain later". My ex then had no other choice but to go live with a guy who she has been living with off and on for the past 6 years. The guy is a loser; he has a criminal record and she even had him arrested for domestic violence four years ago. One person who knows him also told me he is a drug addict. He claims he "owns" the house they are living in, so when she told me that she was "scared for her and her son's well-being" she most likely meant that she was afraid he would kick her out if he found out she still had anything to do with me. One friend told me that a guy he knows let them move in. As for her telling me she was dating someone from church, I really think that was just smoke designed to make me go away and move on. The night I was dumped I emailed my psychiatrist about it and he immediately replied with "You are free!!" One year later the feelings I have now feel much less like sadness and much more like freedom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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