kayc Posted September 1, 2014 Report Share Posted September 1, 2014 You suffered a narrow escape on this one, I'm afraid. I hope she's able to figure things out someday and make her life more to her liking, including being independent. It sounds like she's not very good at life choices. But none of that concerns you now, yes indeed, you are free. As for you, you have your whole life ahead of you, and I hope you're living it to the fullest! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted September 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2014 One other thing: Everyone always told me that she was using me, but my psychiatrist always said "I see no indication that she's using you but I see EVERY indication that her life is a mess". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 2, 2014 Report Share Posted September 2, 2014 Yep, sure looks like it! I think your psy. is right! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul man 82 Posted September 4, 2014 Report Share Posted September 4, 2014 Arbitrator I'm sorry to hear about how this girl has treated you, seems like she's got some demons she's wrestling and it's causing her to make some bad decisions. I hope your search for a new girl goes well! just keep in mind sometimes you need to let her find you, you can never rush this. As for your girlfriend acting the way she did, I certainly wouldn't blame the ADHD as it has nothing to do her breaking things off with you. I myself have ADHD and would never dream of doing the things this girl has done. "Attention deficit hyperactive disorder" as they call it is about having a mind that thinks too much, it races which often makes it hard to concentrate, and on top of that you have the hyper activity. It's not a sickness it's just a different brain function. We all have different traits that make us who we are. I myself have a huge heart, I help those in need, will help a turtle cross the road on the way to the cottage, or pick up money someone dropped and give it back but that's just because I'm me. Some people are just plain cruel, abuse animals, steal, abuse others, and that's a part of their human trait. I hope this helps your understanding that it was probably the grief that caused your breakup. I couldn't tell you why she acted the way she did after the fact tho. I wish you luck my friend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted September 7, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2014 Thank you Soul man. It's been a year now and I'm sitting here thinking about how this time last year I went for 30 hours straight without sleep; my psychiatrist also called me in for an emergency session that day. I'm feeling better these days knowing that I have this group to talk to and I also have her friends and acquaintances to talk to also. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted September 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2014 Had my 3-month with my psychiatrist this past Saturday (the one year anniversary of my being dumped). I told him that I so wish my feelings for my ex would just GO AWAY, but he told me "your feelings for her will never go away, they will only lessen with time". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 9, 2014 Report Share Posted September 9, 2014 Having been through six major relationships in my life (either married or engaged), I can honestly say that sometimes the bond is so great that it does not go away, but other times the experience was so horrible that you become quite over it. And yes, it lessens in time. I will never stop feeling for my late husband, nor for my kids' dad, and I have caring feelings for my last fiance (we're still friends) but my first XH was a monster that I never want to see again, the the last husband was a horrid con that I am so over. It depends upon the relationship and the quality of the person involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted September 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 10, 2014 I can understand what you're saying KayC. It would be much simpler had my ex been a monster, I would now feel like I've had a weight lifted off my shoulders but she was just the opposite. She was kind and caring, we never fought or even yelled at each other. It was her mess of a life that destroyed what we could have had together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 10, 2014 Report Share Posted September 10, 2014 You will undoubtedly always remember her fondly then, but it will likely settle into acceptance eventually, where you no longer yearn for her...unless you fight it. We had one person on here that fixated on the XBF and 30 years later was still going crazy over it, even with therapy, but I think she had problems to start with. We all told her she needed to not contact him (he was married) but she didn't listen. Of course, he didn't reply. Sometimes we have to accept what we cannot change (part of Serenity Prayer). It's harder when we don't understand the "why" but it can be done. I never got answers most of the time. I'm starting to wonder if anyone gives clear reasons when they break up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted September 13, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 This morning I had a girl I don't know friend me on Facebook and we started a conversation. For one fleeting moment I found myself happy and not thinking about my ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted September 13, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 Also, the guy who wanted to share racy pics of our exes; he's back with his...so you can just imagine the position I would be in now had I been stupid enough to go along with it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 14, 2014 Report Share Posted September 14, 2014 Be careful, there's all kinds of trollers that use FB to gain access. How do you know it's even a girl or looks like the pictures she posted? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted September 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2014 Right before the last time I saw my ex, she quit her job at the bar she had been working at (the second of only 2 places she has ever worked) without finding a new job. A few days ago I talked to her friends again and they told me that they think she dumped me when she went back to work there and started dating the owner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 25, 2014 Report Share Posted September 25, 2014 Wow. Wouldn't it have been nice if she'd have let YOU in on that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted October 1, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2014 Today it has been one year since I joined this group The support has been wonderful, and after talking with my ex's friends I know what happened just over a year ago. Just over a month after her father's death, she was forced to go crawling back to her on-again/off-again male roommate so she would have a place to live and at the same time she had to go crawling back to the dive bar she left three months prior so she would have a job. I can imagine that if either of them found out she still had anything at all to do with me, they would cut her off and leave her out in the cold. I think this is what she meant by "I'm scared for my well-being" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 1, 2014 Report Share Posted October 1, 2014 I thought it was about a year, although I didn't know the exact day. See how far you've come! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted October 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 I thought I was onto something when I recently found someone on Zoosk (same age and location as my ex!). She asked for more info on me but she doesn't reply Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 22, 2014 Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 Hmm...she's trolling? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted October 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2014 No, I initiated the contact so it's definitely not trolling. So far no results in my search for someone new but I'll never stop trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 29, 2014 Report Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'm sure you'll have luck eventually! Meanwhile, just keep enjoying life and being busy with friends/family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted November 17, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2014 I talked to an acquaintance of my ex's yesterday (former coworker) who told me that she doesn't do anything all day but stay in the house. It's comforting to know that her life is pathetic and mine isn't! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 17, 2014 Report Share Posted November 17, 2014 You'll know you're really over her when it ceases to matter one way or another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted November 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2014 Yes, but for that to happen I have to find someone else. At my last appointment with my psychiatrist, I told him that I wish the feelings I have for her would just GO AWAY. He told me that they will never go away, so I have to find someone else to suppress them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 21, 2014 Report Share Posted November 21, 2014 Your love for her does NOT have to go away, NOR do you have to find someone else in order to get over her! Suppression is not the answer. Realizing what's true is. I am shocked a psychiatrist would tell you that! I am "over" Jim. I still care about him, but he no longer has the power to send my heart into a tailspin. I have not dated since him, so I didn't use someone else to get over him or suppress my feelings. I had to deal with my heartbreak head on. I did my grief work. I cried, I questioned, but I went through it and I'm okay now. I did not get all of my questions answered. Sometimes break ups just aren't nice and neat like that. We want answers but we can't always get them. It's not dependent on something they do or don't do, or something they say or don't say, for us to get over them. It is up to us to get over them. So wrong to involve someone else in your misery, but it seems duplicit to use someone else in this way. Who wants to get involved with someone who is still pining over someone else! How much better for you to do your grief work and get in a healthy place where you can bring something better to the table than this before you involve yet another person! Perhaps instead of asking a psychiatrist about this, you should be seeing an actual grief counselor that understands the nature of grief and gets it. They would be better informed to help you through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 21, 2014 Report Share Posted November 21, 2014 Kay makes some valid points, my friend, and I hope you will take them to heart. You might find this article helpful: Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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