arbitrator Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 KayC, I think you misunderstood. The psychiatrist only told me that my feelings will never go away. Finding someone else to suppress the feelings is a conclusion I came to on my own. I'm not in the misery I was in this time last year because I know what happened: A month after her dad died she had to go crawling back to the creepy loser she knows so she would have a place to live and at the same time she had to go crawling back to the dive bar to have a place to work. When all this happened in a relatively short amount of time, I got shut out and I'm not the only one she has done this to. If she wants to go on like this instead of getting professional help to make her life better, that's her problem. I'm totally independent and she's totally dependent . MartyT, it's good to hear from you again! I'll certainly take a look at the article. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 25, 2014 Report Share Posted November 25, 2014 Our feelings of caring may remain, but feeling despondent or sad over them will go away. I'm glad you aren't in the misery you were a year ago. Isn't it amazing...at the time we don't see how we'll survive it, but we do?! Yep, Marty always finds just the right link. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted December 12, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2014 Lately I've been reading online articles about people who cannot find a special someone no matter how hard they try. It's comforting to know that there are so many people in the same situation I am. I've told my psychiatrist that I know there are others out there for me; that isn't the problem. Making the connection is. He told me "I have heard so many people say that". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 12, 2014 Report Share Posted December 12, 2014 It's true. Makes you wonder if someone else is out there wishing for someone too...someone well suited for you. I think if it's meant to be, your paths will cross. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted December 12, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2014 That's just it, there are plenty of women out there for me but the meeting barrier is getting in the way. Also, the latest I've been told about my ex is that she doesn't do anything but sit in the house all day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted February 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2015 Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been here in a while I was having password difficulty with my account. Since last time I've heard a couple of encouraging things from others. One person asked me if my ex and I still talk and when I told her no, she said "She doesn't even talk to you?? That's (expletive)!" Another who knows her told me "I think the reason she keeps going back to (The on-again/off-again live-in she lives with now [again]) is because when she's with him she doesn't have to do anything, she can just lay around on her fat (expletive) all day". I feel blessed to have family, friends, my psychiatrist and, of course, this group to help me understand that I was in no way responsible for the ending of the relationship, it was all her. Also, I found her mom and her mom's boyfriend on Facebook. I friend requested both of them and the boyfriend accepted immediately! :-) I don't think her mom has seen the request yet because her page is pretty much blank and the friend request remains active. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 15, 2015 Report Share Posted February 15, 2015 I'm not sure why you'd want to be friends with your ex's mom but I hope you don't take it personal if she doesn't friend you...that can be awkward, she'll always be her daughter, no matter how she is. Well, hoping you meet someone you can enjoy and "forget her with" soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted February 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2015 Her mom once told me "You are so nice" ( ) so as I see it, why should I take it out on her just because her daughter chooses to be withdrawn and hurt those of us who care about her? I won't take it personally if I'm not friended; it looks to me like the boyfriend encouraged her to sign up for Facebook but she never took to it. One thing that's not awkward (actually quite helpful) is talking to those who know her and still want to be part of her life but she refuses to let them in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted March 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 This past week some friends of my ex (who she stopped speaking to 3 years ago) lost their father. Since they helped me feel better about what she did to me by showing me that she did the same thing to them, I wanted to try to help them feel better during their time of need. I sent flowers and also went to the visitation. I probably should have stayed for the service afterwards, but to me that part of the funeral process is more for family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 You are a kind friend. When we've been through it ourselves, we know how to be a comfort to others going through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted March 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 Something else which has really helped me along is having a supporting family. An aunt on my dad's side told me "we're all very proud of you for how well you've come through everything you've been through". Two of my cousin's on my mom's side (both female) had a conversation saying "If I ever see her, I'll punch her throat!" to which the other replied "Not before I punch her throat first!". The one told me "when you mess with one of us, you mess with ALL of us" and "you don't mess with blood". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 Yes, it's nice to have people that care about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted March 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2015 I watched "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" last night on HBO. Not the best movie I've ever seen but certainly one I can relate to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 29, 2015 Report Share Posted March 29, 2015 It's a little different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted April 26, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2015 2 years ago today my ex's dad passed. About a month later she had to go back to the on-again, off-again creep so she would have a place to live. When that happened the only things she said to me (via texting) were "can't", "busy" and "sorry" then after 3 months of that, she realized her life was not going to get any better and she would have to stay with caveboy to avoid homelessness and if he found out she had anything to do with me, he would kick her to the curb. That was when she dumped me. Today, I'm feeling much better not only because of this group (thank you everyone) but because I know that she's indigent and without caveboy she would have nowhere to live (that is what she meant by "I'm scared for me and my son's well-being"). Furthermore, it helps to know that she has done the same thing to her friends that she did to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 26, 2015 Report Share Posted April 26, 2015 While I'm sorry that you and her friends had to suffer, at least you know it wasn't directed to you personally, but rather issues she had. She needed to get away from "caveboy" and be self sufficient and on her own, providing for her son and herself. We can't look to other people to save us, we have to do for ourselves. In the end, she's using people and there's nothing loving about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted May 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2015 I started doing the online dating thing as soon as I was dumped, first Match.com then Zoosk. Last fall, I saw someone on Zoosk I would really like to meet. I tried contacting her but no reply. Just last weekend I saw her profile again and saw that it was "Facebook verified". She has a common first name spelled in a unique way, so I ran it through Facebook and only had to go through 3 profiles to find her. I found myself reading her posts and looking through her pics and in the days that followed I found myself thinking about her a lot and very little about my ex. Ironically, she's from the same town and the same high school class as my ex; maybe it's a sign (or a warning). I definitely know now that I want to find someone else so I can forget about my ex and she can continue her screwed up life without me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 2, 2015 Report Share Posted May 2, 2015 Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted September 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 Hi Everyone :-)- Two years ago tonight I was dumped by my significant other. After talking to her other friends (whom she also refuses to speak to or have anything to do with) I now know what happened. When her dad died she became reclusive then just over a month later (presumably when her living arrangement with her female roommate fell apart) she was forced to go crawling back to caveboy to have a place to live. Her story about how "she met someone at church, they started talking then dating" was simply a ruse designed to make me go away. Today I'm feeling much better not only because of this group (thank you everyone) but because my family is supportive of me and others who know us both tell me that I treated her well and didn't deserve what she did to me. Yes, I still think about her. However, whenever she comes to mind I simply think about how she's indigent and I'm not, and how I get to go out and have fun while she gets to sit in caveboy's house and ROT!! (lol...that actually rhymes!) Finally, even though my search for someone new remains fruitless I take comfort in knowing that it's not due to a lack of available women; it's due to the meeting and communication barrier which is very difficult to break through. Arbitrator Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 Arbitrator,At least you finally have answers, a lot of us never do get them but have to accept and move on anyway. Today you're in a better place for all of the grief work and adjusting you've done. When at last you do meet that special person, you'll be ready! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted November 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 For about the past week I've been experiencing what might be called a "downfall" in my recovery process. I've been feeling sad but surprisingly haven't done any crying. I'm finding that doing the things I enjoy are once again bringing me little if any joy. I am taking comfort though in knowing that this is part of the grief process. Also, a couple of months ago I found an article on thoughtcatalog.com titled "To Everyone Who Can't Stop Thinking About Their Ex" which says that not being able to stop thinking about your ex is not "crazy" or "obsessive", it's "simply the way we work". It goes on to say that our exes remain our "default setting" until someone new comes along and takes that role away from them. I forwarded this to my psychiatrist last night to get his opinion of it; he says that it "has a lot of good points". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 28, 2015 Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 I think so too. And it's probably hitting you now because of the holidays. Holidays are about traditions and we carry memories of them with our love, places we went, things we did together, all the hopes and dreams we shared and now you're feeling the loss of all that as well. Just be good to yourself. Have a cup of cocoa and give yourself the present of understanding and patience! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted December 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 10, 2015 I found an online article in Men's Health (The Science Of Heartbreak) which I forwarded to my psychiatrist to prepare for my 3-month session this weekend. It seems the inability to stop thinking about my ex and occasional feelings of sadness surrounding her are not personal weakness, but rather part of a biological process. According to the article, the brain has a "reward and punishment system" which not only compels us to search for food and water, but also love and sex. Success at finding (and keeping) these things results in a dopamine spike which makes us feel good (reward), but failure results in lower dopamine levels and higher stress hormone levels (punishment). Knowing this is helpful to me because there are those who would tell me to "snap out of it" but now I can tell them it's not that simple. I can also confirm what I've known all along; finding someone new is key to being over her once and for all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 10, 2015 Report Share Posted December 10, 2015 arbitrator, Good luck, I hope you have a good Christmas, with or without someone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arbitrator Posted February 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2016 Three years ago today was the last time I ever saw my ex; her dad died less than two months later and a month and a half after that she went back to caveboy to have a place to live. For the past two and a half years I've been worried that she would marry that punk before I found someone new but lately I haven't been as worried about that happening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now