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enna

Music That Soothes Me

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1/21/2014

When my heart is broken I turn to music. Today my heart is truly broken. My home is quiet. Benji is no longer under foot. Benji no longer gives his almost inaudible bark when he wants in from the patio. There is no nudge on my knee to remind me it’s treat time or I want to play tug-of-war with this squeaky toy I have in my mouth. No more reminders that it’s time for dinner (usually an hour before it’s time).

These are a few of my comfort/reflection pieces. Please add yours to this thread if you wish. Anne

Music that soothes me:

Brian’s Song – Henry Mancini

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w26pW2Uz2-Y

Songbird – Eva Cassady

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFFo1pu4q7Q

The Promise – Tracy Chapman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r67RjdVKSrY

Hallelujah – Leonard Cohen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrLk4vdY28Q 

Amazing Grace – ll Divo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45lC97l9zBc

Pope Francis – Make me a channel of your peace

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdl1ajNpWjQ

Holy Holy – Neil Diamond

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQwqQwD6OOw

I Am I Said – Neil Diamond

The Best of Tchaikovsky  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_WWz2DSnT8

Tchaikovsky: Swan Lake

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rJoB7y6Ncs

The Three Tenors in Concert 1994 in LA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_9OGUPDamQ

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My dear Anne,

First of all, I send you a warm hug...more than 20 seconds :)

I am sure waking up today made you more deeply aware (if that is possible) of the absence of your dear Benji. We all know that feeling of waking and realizing the person/pet is gone and the pain hits raw and hard. We are all with you. I was so touched by the outpouring of love for you and Benji yesterday. People gathered around you and they are still there.

These choices of music are amazing. I know them all and I am particularly (at this moment) drawn to the prayer of St. Francis along with Diamond's Holy Holy. I am so glad you have music and art as a healing tool in these days ahead. And I am glad you are sharing your pain here....

Peace, Mary

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Dear Anne,

Thank you for all the beautiful music. I am listening to Chariots of Fire today, because it gives me solace. Doug was a runner, and this was his music.

I know you are moving in a new, changed world today, both outside of you in your house, and inside of you in your heart. I, too send a very long {{{hug}}} to you, dear one. And I hope you have chocolate. This is a very sad time, with more of the letting go we are all learning about. I am sorry for your heart ache and that you are there alone. I know you are finding ways—through the music and other soothing and compassionate self-care—to begin to heal from this loss. I am sorry the losses have kept coming for so many of us here.

Mostly, I am entirely grateful that we have each other for comfort through these times.

Namaste,

fae

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This makes me weep, then giggle, then laugh. And of course, first, the curiosity builds as he states the themes for the piece.

And this a wonderful conductor.

Holst. Planets. Jupiter.

:)

fae

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A delightful piece, Fae. I liked the conductor. He has quite an expressive style.

My piece for tonight - a favorite

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Listening to this again gives me calm and peace. One of my Jim's favorites.

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Thank you, Anne

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Holding onto memories gives some hope...

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Don't Give Up. . .

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We never give up, Anne, and you certainly set an example of that for the rest of us. I know there are moments and days when you want to just cave in to all of it but on we go because it is our calling. I honor that in you.

Still cold...snow tonight...hitting the 20 below mark again....the entire month of January has been below zero...schools have closed a lot...I think the lowest we got was 44 below. Hibernation time for sure.

Mary

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Oh Mary, The Dubai Fountain is so beautiful. I have always liked it. Powerful with the song, "I will always love you..."

It seems strange not tending to Benji's needs these past days. I miss all the attention I gave him. I miss his kisses. I miss him here in the den.

I miss keeping the patio door open so he could run in and out. There is a piece of my heart that just aches. I like thinking about him though because he brought so much joy to me. Today would have been a haircut day. I forgot to take it off my calendar so it popped up on my computer screen this morning.

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Yes, Anne, I know it has to be strange not to be getting food in a dog food bowl, letting Benji out to do his duty, taking him to be groomed and so much more. And in so many other ways, you are still feeling some of those "absences" from your Jim...fixing his breakfast, maybe helping him to the patio, etc. That pain is all in your soul these days along, of course, with the joy. Loss is certainly a huge lesson on how to carrry both of these with one predominating sometimes as it is now for everyone here... esp you with a second loss.

A peace filled moment today,

Mary

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Thank you, Mary. Yes, you are right - I am still feeling the loss of Jim. 20 months is such a very short time yet it seems like forever.

Opposites: joy - sorrow, laughter - sadness I think I am ready for more joy and laughter

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Of course, Anne, you are feeling the loss of Jim and you will feel that loss in another 20 months also...as you know. This loss of Benji, I would guess, has probably torn that very very thin membrane of healing and now you grieve two losses (and your sister's also). I also know you well enough, I believe, to know you (like others here) will keep on keeping on...one day at a time...for as long as it takes. I have no doubt of that and we are all here with you on that trek.

Peace, Anne

Mary

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When I get Where I'm Going.

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I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. . .

  • Upvote 1

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How nice it would be if we could only go back to before...death is so cruel. If we only could put time in a bottle.

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Dear Anne,

I don't know if this is any help or comfort, but I have come to see some of my memories of Doug as time in a bottle. When I pick up something that he made, or look at a photo of us doing something, I feel as though it is time in a bottle, and sometimes I can feel the happiness we had, and the love we shared, and the joy and adventure of our days. I remember what it was like to feel so very alive and filled with delight. In the wine cellar is a bottle of wine from a chap in Napa. Doug wrote a while note and taped it to the bottle, so I would know when to open it and what to remember. Every time I go into the wine cellar, I touch the top of that bottle, and the touch brings back a flood of wonderful memories of joyful times.

I know when I open it, it will fill my heart with happy memories. Actually, there is not a bottle I have opened since Doug has been gone that has not flooded me with wonderful memories of Doug and our life. Yes, more than half the time I also cry, and my heart feels as though it is being pulled back in time to those remarkable days of laugher and love, of work and effort, of quiet talks and simple hugs. But I have come to be able to hold bits of memories in my hand, and thank Doug and G*D for the gift of our marriage and life together, and in that moment of gratitude, I find a little peace.

I know you are having the same sorts of experiences about Jim. And some about Benji. I find that the losses swirl together in my heart, and touch each other, making new patterns of sadness and loss. And then I remember how blessed I have bee in my life, how rich and full it has been so far, and I know that this is a time to rest, sit here on the mountain top and admire my efforts thus far, and to marvel and wonder that I have been so blessed with such a beautiful life, and with love that fills me with wonder.

I have not been listening to music for the last couple of days. I am enjoying the peace and solitude that deep snow brings. It is 6F outside, and another half foot or so of snow fell last night. More is falling right now.

Somehow, even if I cannot see a pattern from up here where I am resting and restoring, I know there is a pattern and a reason for all of this, and I hope one day to have a better understanding of it all.

namaste,

fae

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Anne and fae, your posts reminded me of the box I keep in my living room with little pieces of paper in it, each one a joyous memory as I think of them. Putting those in a bottle...time in a bottle...the right bottle is now on my list. I do believe that remembering all the good times even when we are, or especially when we are in the depths of pain helps us through grief....we were all so blessed to have such wondrous men/women to love us and to love.

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I love this idea. When I think of my past with Pete (50 years) I do feel happy just for a while. This is one of the reasons I don't find the advice of living in the present at all helpful. Basically I don't want to live in the present. Much of the time I want to live in the past. I know people who haven't experienced such loss as we have think that we should move on etc. but I've no intention of doing this. My happy years are like having a deposit of money in the bank. Now I need to start drawing upon it for the remainder of my life. Ok I will also live actively, do my research, help out my daughter, enjoy our grand daughters, but that is only one part of my life. I need to look back in order to be able to cope with living in the present.

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Anne, my dear, your idea reminds me of Darcie Sims' "Blessing Box" ~ which she describes in this Internet Talk Radio program: THE BLESSING BOX SHOW

(For those who do not know, Darcie Sims was an expert in the field of grief, a well-known speaker and author, one of the most beloved individuals ever to walk this earth. She died yesterday, and this world will never be the same without her.)

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I still don't see too many 'blessings' yet - a few creep in every once in a while...I loved listening to Darcie and her down to earth talks. It was like having her in my livingroom. So very sad that she was snatched away so quickly. The thought below does remind me that I do have 'blessings'- new 'grief' friends and connections have enabled me to heal and begin to open myself to those joys that are deep down in my very being. Darcie's 'blessing box' is like my snow bowl I have on the fireplace...filled with ten joyful memories Jim and I had during our four decades together. And I thank those of you who are some of my blessings guiding me to new beginnings.

"Endings always have beginnings embedded within them. Although you would never have chosen these new beginnings, notice what has emerged out of your grief. Do you have new 'grief' friends and connections? Do you have a different understanding of life and death and love? Do you have a new mission? Know that endings lead to beginnings." - Ashley Davis Bush

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Blessings, joyous memories, gifts, graces....When I start sinking into loss (as I did yesterday for a long while) I have sort of developed a habit of counterbalancing those feelings with sitting with the blessings of my life with Bill. My box of blessings/joyous memories comes in handy for that but beyond what is in there, I do find myself remembering more and more good times that I have not thought of since he died. Perhaps a song trips it off or something I find when I am cleaning out a drawer...like the day I looked at his money clip. I have used it since he died but this moment, I just sat with it. He had lost his favorite one (forgotten it somewhere really about a year before he died) and so I got him a new one, had it engraved and picked one that just suited his tastes. It was him. The smile on his face at that moment was one i will never forget because he knew I knew him...he felt known and loved. And the sadness of leaving his money clip somewhere, one he treasured, lifted. So even though seeing the money clip was painful, I focused on both the pain and the joy. These memories that return out of nowhere are gifts from him and I hope to gather hundreds of them over the years ahead. I do not look for them, they appear or pop into my head...I urge you when that happens to you to write them down, sit with them, before they disappear into the recesses of your pain. Grab them and hold them and save them. We do it with our pain...we need to do it with the joys. It took a long time for me to see anything other than pain and as time goes on and with my own awareness...and commitment more and more of the joyous moments show their faces and I do not want to lose them again. They are like a present...opened and savored and treasured and it surely helps us through the journey.

I have been listening to some of Darcie Sims radio shows, talks, and DVDs a bit since yesterday. What a treasure...a pioneer. Our loss and our gift for so many years.

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