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Don't be afraid to shout out their name.

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Angelina McLaughlin

Grief is where time stands still, winter where everything stops growing, goes dormant and hides. Your breath has been taken, stolen when you take another breath it's painful like your lungs are frozen. You crave isolation, peace, calm. Your world as you knew it will never be or feel the same. You can't find your grounding, you remembered how to walk and breathe yesterday? Your compass is no longer pointing North, it's spinning out of control. You're numb, then...Remembering makes your heart ache, you can't stop the pain. Tears flow like swollen rivers and a force that cannot be held back. Friends and family gather to comfort you. They don't say their name out of fear of hurting you. Really? Why? They were here, they lived, they loved greatly and it is their name that makes up your share memories and love. Say their name bravely. Scream it from the roof tops! I don't want to forget her/him they brought me to the garden of my soul. They are forever mine and death can Never change that. It has stolen enough from me. Their name is engraved on my heart forever, there love is mine, you cannot have that!

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If you cannot say her name

 I shall not remember yours

   

 

Kathy's husband          2016

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Healing from the loss of a spouse...

Posted AUG 12 2016 by GARYROE 

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©photodune.net

Kids dream. For them, anything is possible.

Then we grow up.

We take some hits. Life doesn’t go the way we planned. We lose – relationships, jobs, opportunities, and people.

The dreams morph over time. Then, well, they mostly disappear. And our broken hearts settle for what is.

 

When people die, some dreams do too

“My dreams are gone. Anything I thought I wanted to do disappeared. The goals are no more. It was all tied to him,” Renee said.

“I miss the future with him. It’s not there anymore,” she shared.

When Renee’s husband died, her future was turned upside down. Anything they had planned together was erased. Her dreams, hopes, and goals died with him.

 

Loss is like an earthquake

You know this if you’ve lost someone close: the earthquake hits, and then the aftershocks continue. Collateral damage starts to appear, and can continue to surface for months, even years later.

Then you’re faced with not only the pain but massive rebuilding. The key is to not be in a hurry. This isn’t a sprint. As you focus on taking care of yourself and healing well, you’ll be able later to handle the challenges of remaking the future – one step at a time.

 

An affirmation for today:

“My dreams are shattered. I’ll focus on healing well, and retool the future when it’s time.”

Grieving and healing take great courage. You are braver than you realize.

 

Adapted from Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse (Amazon Bestseller, USA Best Book Awards Finalist, National Indie Excellence Book Award Finalist).

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Refuge in Grief with Megan Devine

www.refugeingrief.com

Grief brain is a real thing.

A few days ago, I started work on a new book, based on the early days of grief. It has me heading back into my journals from those first few months. So I guess it’s not surprising that I’ve found myself wandering around, unsure of what to do.

I put the spatula in the freezer. Forgot where I put my keys. All those “widow-brain” moments that used to be so common have faded over the years, but they can, and do, come back.

 If grief has recently erupted in your life – and by recently, I mean anything from yesterday to two or so years ago – you will most likely find that your brain just does not work.

You may have been brilliant and organized Before. Able to multi-task, remember, execute.

But grief changes all of that. Changes it radically.

Think of it like this: let’s say you have 100 currents of brainpower for each day. Right now, the enormity of grief, trauma, sadness, missing, loneliness, takes up 99 of those energy currents. That remaining 1 current is what you have for the mundane and ordinary skills of life.

Remembering that cooking utensils belong in the drawer, not the freezer, that your keys are under the bathroom sink where you left them when you ran out of toilet paper – these things are just not high on the brain’s priority list. Your mind, like the rest of you, is doing the best it can to function and survive under very severe circumstances.

Now, up there, I said this grief-brain will happen anywhere up to around two or so years after your loss. I use that two-year marker not because it is scientifically proven, but because that was right about when some of my own brain skills began to come back on-line.

Fleetingly at first

I’d feel like I had it “back together” with my memory and cognition, only to have a completely confounding day. Then my brain would snap to again. And then lose it. Back and forth

In time, the days my brain was functioning well stretched into longer and longer arcs. The confounding days or actions became more sporadic. 

As I approach the 6-year mark, it’s those confounding days that are rare now; my mind seems to have largely recovered.

So the good news is, if you’ve felt like you’re losing your mind, if the simplest of activities proves far too complicated, you are not crazy. You’re completely normal. Your mind is simply doing the best it can with very limited resources.

If you are afraid your mind will never return, I can tell you that, most likely, it will. It may have some changes, but your general capacity to think, reason, remember, and organize will most likely come back.

Slowly at first, but day by day, your brain will come back on-line.

For me, when my brain gets tired and confused, it’s a clue that I need to slow down. Rest. Check in with my heart, see what comfort I might need.

It’s an on-going dance, this living with grief. A constant companion that is sometimes light, and sometimes just too much.

Your way will be found. You’ll just need to listen to yourself as best you can.

 How about you? How has that widowed-brain, or grief-brain, shown up inside your loss? Are there early warning signs that tell you-you need to slow down, turn inside, listen? If you’re outside that initial impact of grief, how have you noticed your mind changing, as you become more accustomed to the weight of grief?

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So true, Anne!

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When we struggle, when we are sick, we are not meant to simply “get back to normal”. We are meant to evolve because of it. Wake up a bit, and slough off or at least acknowledge that pattern, person, or belief that this challenge was meant to bring to our attention.

Important stuff in this piece, Anne. Certainly a fine commentary on Francis Weller's The Wild Edge of Sorrow. Thank you for sharing it here 

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Grief hurts

Losing a loved one is painful and traumatic. It can wound the soul and crush the heart.

We lose parents, siblings, relatives, friends, co-workers, and even children and grandchildren. We lose people to death, divorce, moves, disasters, or illness. We can lose them in an instant, or we can lose them over time.

Unfortunately, loss is a huge part of life. How we deal with it makes all the difference – both for ourselves and those around us.

Your grieving relative or friend is hurting. Their “normal” is gone. The disappearance of someone they love is affecting them deeply...   read more

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/handling-pain-grief  

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This came to my inbox and it brought back good memories. It was one of the best gifts I gave myself during my first year of having lost my Jim. I had no idea how to handle this loss but with grief counseling and other grief work I learned how to manage to live without Jim. I'm sharing this hoping it just might help one person.

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Hi Anne,

 

This is a final gentle reminder that the sale on grief counselor Marty Tousley's well-regarded course, The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey will close very soon.  

 

If you or someone in your circle is in need of grief healing this season, consider enrolling in this featured course this week.  

 

We leave you with one final student review: 

 

"During the early months of my loss, I heard from my hospice grief counselor that there was an online e-course offered by our very own Marty that deals with the first year of grief. I was so devastated that I thought anything at that point couldn’t hurt so I signed up for the e-course. It was a decision that started me on my journey of healing. I had never, ever felt despair and pain like I was experiencing. The loss of my Jim (married for forty years) was more than I could bear. I was a mess. I had no hope of dealing with this loss. But those feelings began to change. It took months but I began to see a glimmer of light.

 

I began the e-course with a bit of skepticism but after the first month I began to look forward to the e-lessons coming to my e-mail twice a month. I was very glad that I chose that time because I needed the in-between time to digest the material given and read the links included in each lesson.

 

I am telling those of you who are so new to your grief that there is a healthy way to move through this grief you find yourself in right now. Your feelings and thoughts will change as you begin to understand that the feelings and thoughts are just that ~ they don’t control you unless you allow them to. Marty’s e-course changed my perspective and gave me some of the tools I needed to manage my grief. It is your work but there is help for those who don’t know where to begin. I am not giving a pitch for this e-course only giving you one tool that helped me and may help you begin to manage your grief…"  Anne, forum post (used with permission)  

 

If you are not ready to start this course just now, no problem. You may secure this course (with bonuses) at the discounted price and set the course to start next week, next month or whenever. 

 

Wishes for peace and healing, 

 

Your Friends at Self Healing Expressions

 

P.S. – As usual, this popular Self Healing Expressions course comes with a 60-day money back guarantee so there is absolutely no risk to purchase. 

 

featured-course-at-sale-price.png

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Thank you, Marty. The article was in my email and the links I provided went back to my email!

Thank you for linking it here. I'm off for a three day Spa Retreat. I am doing this for ME. 

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Thank you for this, Anne. I absolutely love books written especially for children on the subject of death, loss and grief, and I've been collecting them for years. They help us to explain complex matters in terms simple enough for kids as well as adults (myself included) to understand, and the illustrations are works of art, in and of themselves. (I've written more about this topic here: Using Children's Books to Help with Grief.) 

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Yes, Marty, this book is in your grief healing bookstore list. I did not notice it before but Brian Pickings articles come to me and I just really liked the article.

I do not think I could find anything that you have not already found and shared in one place or another. :wub:  I have had your 'Using Children's Books to Help with Grief" on my Pinterest Board for a few years now. I still get requests from teachers for information about this topic. 

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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

The Path Through Grief by Mark Liebenow 

Your path through grief may be different than mine. I’m not talking about comparing how often anger erupts, what time of day depression tends to descend, or how long it took for the initial shock of death to wear off and we could feel our fingers again.

I’m talking about where you go to deal with your emotions. Where is your place of refuge, your place of renewal where you feel comforted, accepted, and can work your way through grief? This is likely to be a place or an activity that was pleasurable before death struck. Now it becomes therapeutic.

For one person it may be carpentry or gardening. For another, it may be working with horses. Maybe it’s going to the movies, the ocean, or the golf course. Whatever it is, this is where you can step back and focus on something else for a few hours or a day, while in the back of your mind you are working your way through grief. Do not neglect to go there, even if you don’t feel like going. You probably don’t feel like doing anything.

Pause whenever some thought or feeling shows up out of the blue. Listen for where it leads.

My go-to place was Yosemite, and the following are notes from one of my trips. I hope you find parallels with your own journey.

Hiking any long trail in the mountains is rugged and demands more endurance than I think I have, but I need the challenge. I want to be worn out by physical activity because I’ve been sitting at home for too long with grief. Besides, nature is a good hiking companion.

When I come across a side trail, I take it, even if I don’t know where it goes. It leads me through a new area of the forest, over mountains, and down into valleys that hold the shadows of death. The path also leads me through my battered heart.

This morning a Jeffrey pine stands in front of me. I rub my hand over its bark, feel its roughness, and lean in close to see how it smells. I can never remember if it’s the Jeffrey or the Ponderosa that smells like vanilla. Ah, it’s the Jeffrey.

I listen to the Merced River flowing nearby, dip my hand into the cold of its snowmelt water, and feel the power of its surge. I wander into the meadow, sit in the wild, long-stemmed grass, and look closely at the hairy-stalked milkweed and the deep purple lupine.

My intention last night was to hike through the mountains. But what do I feel like doing this morning? Do I really want to tackle a demanding hike, or sit by the river and read? Maybe I’d rather saunter aimlessly.

I will not deliberately think about grief. I will focus on nature and exist in this moment as fully as I can and let nature guide my thoughts. If grief shows up, I will not push it away.

No one here knows who I am or what I’m struggling with, and I can tell them or not. I’m untethered and free to express whatever thoughts I have this morning. In the next hour, I may uncover deeper feelings and contradict myself. So be it. I will be enigmatic. I will find people who are thoughtful, and we will share food and drink. We will exchange stories that make us laugh, strengthen the heart, and give us courage. And if they are grieving, we will listen and comfort each other as a coyote trots past.

I listen to nature, to the breeze humming through the branches of the Sugar pines, the opinionated chatter of blue jays, the haunting cawing of ravens, and the scuffling of chipmunks through the leaves looking for acorns and seeds.

I lean back against a mountain and lose myself in nature’s wonder.

Posted by Mark Liebenow at 7:24 AM 

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Self Esteem Takes A Hit When Someone We Love Dies by Patti Fitzpatrick

When a death occurs, the bereaved person’s level of confidence takes a plunge for many reasons.

  • There is a feeling of insecurity because life has been drastically altered since the death of a loved one.
  • There is a feeling of helplessness because the bereaved was not able to prevent the death.
  • There is a feeling of not being “whole” after a death of a loved one.
  • There is a feeling of failure when the bereaved can’t seem to “get over” or “move forward” in their grief.
  • There is a feeling of fear about a future without our loved one.

All of these reasons contribute to a diminished sense of worth and self-esteem. Fortunately, there are ways to rebuild one’s self-esteem after the death of a loved one. Read on here 

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This looks like a good one, but I can't get the link to work. I tried to see if I could find it online by searching for it by title, but no luck. I did fine another interesting article while hunting...https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201304/daughters-unloving-mothers-7-common-wounds... I think that's part of my problem, having an "unloving" mother. She wasn't just unloving; she was narcissistic and cruelly critical. And she had my dad as a total satellite, revolving around her and doing her bidding. It was a brutal way to grow up, and if my sisters were people I knew elsewhere, I would be very empathic and understanding about how they got to be who they are. But since they are my sisters I find it hard to cope with the damage that was done to them that causes them to hurt me the way they do.

But after my mother died, it became apparent who he really was underneath. Although he missed her horribly, he was a much kinder and gentler person without her. My sisters didn't see it and couldn't get beyond the past - they wanted little to do with him (aside from his money). But I was wild to get him to move out here so I could really get to know him. We had a great decade together, even though he was going downhill. And it was SO good for me to finally have someone who really had my back...someone who was always on my side and believed in me no matter what had happened. It was such a healing thing for me. I came to have more confidence and better self-esteem than I had ever had in my life. And now it's all over and it's gone and I really have no idea if it's possible to get any of that back.

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Good article, Laura.  I can't begin to say how my mother's "problems" affected my development even as an adult, but it's taken me a lifetime to grow through it. 

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On 8/31/2016 at 6:54 AM, enna said:

I listen to nature, to the breeze humming through the branches of the Sugar pines, the opinionated chatter of blue jays, the haunting cawing of ravens, and the scuffling of chipmunks through the leaves looking for acorns and seeds.

I lean back against a mountain and lose myself in nature’s wonder.

Anne, this is what I, too, find healing.

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Your Grief Is Terrifying to Those Around You by Karyn Arnold

Here's what you don’t expect when suffering with the grief of losing someone you love; that suddenly the majority of the people you spend time with (family, friends, coworkers) are afraid of you.

“Afraid of me?”, you wonder, because really, what is more frail or feeble, than a person in the throes of grief?

It may not appear that they are afraid of you. In fact, it’s likely they don’t realize it themselves.

But consider this: prior to the loss of your loved one you may have felt that you had a mostly supportive group of friends and family. And I think for most, our hope is that when bad things happen in life, it’s going to be those closest friends and family who will be there to support us. Read on here

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