Grief And Jealousy

[Fiona]

I am so alone.

I know actually that I need to help myself, I just don't know how. Since my mother died last year of fast growing brest cancer, I actually thought I was doing OK. But recently I've become painfully jealous, and I've never been like this before in my life.

My husband works away from home, and I miss him terribly, and I can't seem to to stop the painful jealousy growing inside myself. I need to be able to overcome this stuff, and get on with my own life... but I just don't know how.

Any suggestions could make a difference to my life.

F

[bobsgal]

Hi Fiona,

I am sorry for the loss of your mom and that you are feeling the grief that is associated with that. I have not had my mom die, but I have lost 'my other half', my husband Bob. I'm not exactly sure what all you mean by jealously, but when I read your post I thought of some of the experiences I went through. Bob has been gone for 8 years now, and the tunnel vision I have is much clearer than it was at one year or even two or three years in this grief journey.

When I first came out of the shock part of this grief, I found that I was jealous of other 'couple' friends and family and their lives together. I wanted nothing more than to be part of a couple again, to have Bob back with me so life would go back to normal. It was physically hard to be around these couples, and I found that I would get really mad at them for little things that would happen. It ticked me off when my sister would complain about my brother in law and how he would leave his dirty clothes next to the bed, and I would be thinking, I would gladly pick up anything just to have Bob back. I resented their happiness when I could not find any true happiness in my life. My best friend and confident had died, and I would become angered at my friends ignorance in thinking that their life and existence together was forever, and that all was well in the world. I became angry at how they would take each other for granted, and how could they not know that it could all be gone in an instant? Weren't they thinking? Didn't they pay attention to me when Bob died? Didn't they understand the devastation I had experienced?

Eventually, I began to really deal with my grief, not just stuff it inside and try to hide from it. I found a group for grief online and through talking to others who experienced what I had, I began to understand that not all of life is centered around death, and that death is just a small part of this living experience. I began to find joy and happiness in living again, and was able to let go of the jealously and anger. I was able to look back at what Bob and I had and feel blessed that we had all the time we had together, and the happiness we had was more than some ever have in a lifetime. I could see that at one time before that early morning when Bob died, I too thought that we had all the time in the world, and that is normal thinking.

For a while the grief distorts our thinking and makes all those normal thoughts seem so ridiculous, but they're not. They are part of the living of life, not of the dying of it. I decided for myself that if I am going to continue on in this world I would have to live in it, not die in it. I am not exactly back to thinking that all is perfect, I know that normal can be gone in an instant. I have more patience now than I ever did, things have changed in my priorities, and my relationships are more precious. Bob is deeply embedded in my heart, and is with me always. I am proud of my friends and family couples, and listen to their bickering with humor now, not the anger and jealously. I know that one day I will be there for that friend that has lost their spouse to give them an understanding that comes from experience of being there.

This may or may not relate to the feelings of jealously that you are experiencing. I do hope that it helps somewhat to know that others do and think things that they are not especially proud of in grieving. You are not alone in this Fiona, there are many of us who are just waiting to reach out and comfort and help you as you need it.

Sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in,

Love and Blessings,

Lynda(bobsgal)

[Fiona]

Hi Lynda

Thankyou so much for your comforting reply.

More than anything my jealousy is to do with a masssive insecurity I'm feeling. I guess I just want some certainties. And I know I'll never get them.

When my husband is away without me, I suffer so much not knowing and seeing everything that he's doing.

Before I was never a jealous person, but I know I have taken refuge in this man since my mother's death. Perhaps a little to quickly even. But I love him.

But it's all tangled up together now. When I feel loney without my husband I cry for my mother.

I think it's a kind of insanity... and I don't know how to separate the two things. I'm just not sure where my loneliness ends and the grief begins.

F

[STARKISS]

Hi Fiona,

First of all I am very sorry for your loss, I too have a real problem with jealous. I have never been a really jealous person before but after my parents death I have become a really jealous person.... What can you about it I really can not tell you but I too hope it is just part of the grieving process.... Take care Shelley

[Penny1]

Jealousy is such a negative emotion but yes I have experienced it too in this grieving journey....

When I first lost mom, my husband was wonderfully supportive in the beginning and still is yet in such a different way....

I let my jealosy get totally out of control....it would make me crazy when he wanted to do something without me...I couldn't even grasp the concept that he could possibly abandon me at such a horrible time in my life.... we ended up separating only 2 months after mom's death and then I was left with just me....

Although it was so terrible to go through my grief alone it was an awakening for me in the end...

I spent many hours depressed, miserable and angry at him feeling as though I wanted my life to end...

The positive part in that time was I truly looked within myself and realized that my life would go on without her... I was forced to face my fears and find true happiness within myself..

He was dealing with my grief the best he could at the time... he had to carry on and be the responsible one... I was a mess

In my time alone... I learnt how to find peace and be content with being by myself... it was so amazing to just sit in the silence and actually find comfort in it...I spent many hours walking on the beach and learning to appreciate the beauty of nature...

Now, I look forward to my time alone... I changed my schedule at work and now have a day off by myself... I love it..

I never thought I would conquer my jealousy and wanting him around all the time but now I look forward to my days by myself...

I don't know how to put it into words but losing mom has made me realize that I could carry on down the negative path or choose to heal and become more spiritually aware of the positive side of life... have faith is all I can tell you....

Hope all my babble helps