When Is It Time To Move And Change Because Chicago Isn't Changing

[ADH]

When it it time to move? Moving is stressful but my husband is gone (as of April 2014) and starting over in Chicago..1200 miles away from family and in nine months of winter is getting too hard for words!

I am getting so tired of the same streets of memories, the flat economy here, the same faces, nine months of the cold, dark days of winter and just the same old tired everything. It is also really expensive downtown! I feel like I am pushing a pebble up a steep mountain with my nose every single day. If Harvey was here, I would be tired of winter but I would not feel hopeless.

I have heard that widows should wait a year before moving or making any major decisions. Good luck to all of us if those are the ground rules! I have graduation to complete on 12-12 (I am grateful!) , but I need to look for a job/career here or somewhere else right after that. God knows there are better economies in other parts of the country.

To the other widows that are still having to work for another 10-15-20 years??..... How did you make these decisions alone? I am 45 years old. Harvey died while I was finishing my Masters, and I knew I would be in a place of transition for 3-12 months but....he was going to be here. We were going to do it together. I thought a Masters from the University of Chicago would matter a lot, but the economy is "the worst it has been in 60 years".....according to the economists at the University. I am really sorry, but it is hard not to regret getting the degree. My time would have been better spent in a job!

I am truly living in misery every single day and it is hard. I am crawling through each day. I do not know how to fix this. I always knew how to fix everything. I am lost. ugh.......what if I move and that falls apart as well?

Is there any adivce anyone can give to me? Selling my condo and picking up and moving sounds liberating on one hand and deadly on the other. My family is in New Orleans, Houston, Austin and Pensacola, FL. Where in the world where Chester (my almost 12 year old cat) and I go?

Something has got to give........

xoxo,

Audra

[kayc]

If this is a transition place for you and an unfavorable one at that, and away from family and friends, I hardly think the one year rule would apply. That is a general rule mainly because we're in a fog and it'd be easy to make a wrong major decision, but it sounds like you already have an idea in your gut of what you want to do. If you'll be graduating and looking for work around the holidays, why not look where you'd really like to live and be? It can be a fresh start...it doesn't sound like you and your husband had major ties to Chicago. Where, of those places you named, sounds most appealing? Why not apply for jobs all of those places and see what happens? You'll need a job to go to anyway. I don't think a Masters Degree is ever a bad idea. It's the one thing you can't lose in life, you'll always have your degree. Jobs on the other hand, have a way of coming and going...I lost my favorite job shortly after my husband died, never to get one I liked again. Now I'm retired and volunteering. Good luck to you, what ever you decide! I'm sure you'll make the right decision for YOU...and your husband will be rooting for you.

[enna]

Hi Audra,

Instead of sending you a PM I decided to respond to your post here.

Ok, I’m going to give some advice ~ you are so very early in your grief. You cannot get from point A to point B fast. Stop and take a very slow, deep breath ~ GOOD.

You asked how I got through this.

My journey has taken me over seven years. Jim started to decline with Alzheimer’s disease in 2007. I was his caregiver until he died in 2012. I was in anticipatory grief during the time I cared for Jim. From the time he died in May of 2012 I have been working on this grief journey. It takes daily work. I have posted about most of my journey on the forum because it has helped me. Everyone is different.

You have a presentation to get through on Tuesday evening. The winter cold has not started yet in the Chicago area so you have time before you have to think of going through a long, cold winter in Chicago.

What is your major? Have you even started looking for work in the Chicago area? If not, perhaps you could go to one of the places where your family is just to gather your thoughts.

You asked about whether or not I had to think about moving or not.

Jim and I moved to AZ after he retired. We had our home built here in 1999 and it was ready to move into that summer. I found a teaching job that school year. When I left teaching to care for Jim I had four decades of teaching behind me. I am retired now so I do not face the problems you will be facing.

Every situation is different for each person about what you should or should not do about moving. You need to focus on your graduation on 12/12. Then, you probably need a few days or weeks to gather yourself. You have worked tirelessly to finish your Masters ~ I commend you for sticking with it. A dream both you and Harvey had together.

I know you must be confused and frustrated. How could you not be! You will get through this. You will have good and very bad days. Perhaps after you graduate you’ll have time to do some reading about grief. Perhaps you can find a grief counselor in the Chicago area who can guide you through some of the things you are struggling with.

People here on the forum understand. Keep sharing you story here if you want to. There are others who do understand what you are going through. No one here judges anyone. It is a place that you can feel protected.

I am waiting to celebrate with you on 12/12 when you walk across that stage at the UofC and receive your MA diploma ~ you know that Harvey will be right there with you.

Now what’s this about it being cold in Chicago! That’s why some of us moved away. I hate the cold, but I love the dry, sunny beautiful days in the valley here in AZ.

Anne

[JeL]

Hi Audra,

What a huge goal you're accomplishing during a tough time in your life. I hope you are proud of yourself. You know Harvey's proud of you.

Maybe I can propose some ideas that will help you decide. Grief wisdom advises no big decisions for a while, yet an academic milestone and new career often take us up up and away to new places, hopefully a new job and a whole new social scene.

I'm still a working girl, will be for several years. My husband's death last year changed so many things, one being my retirement plans. I'm grateful for a secure job I really like and I wish that for you too. I'll be working for a while.

Some things to consider:

- Were you planning to stay in Chicago or re-locate after you graduated?

- Where are your main emotional/grief supporters living? If you transition to a different social circle, what are those pro's & con's?

- As you look at cost of living in Chicago vs elsewhere, consider that many professions earn higher wagers in big cities and certain geographic regions. Do Chicago job options look/feel good?

- Does your new degree/career offer temporary work opportunities? For example, I work in the medical field....it's easy for RNs, MDs, therapists to travel for short term, lucrative pay assignments (usually 3-6 months). If you're in transition, that may help fill a gap, chose a place close to family/warm, not have to make a permanent decision now.

Please consider that your grief work has to be done....wise men and women far ahead of you and me on their grief paths share that the healing goes on for years. So even tho' some of us work full time in jobs, we do well to save time and energy for heart & spirit. I'm learning to "chunk" it, an evening here, a weekend day there, to process my grief. That's becoming easier as the months pass. It used to control me, now most days I can direct my attention and intention.

As Anne said, after you graduate next month, stop and breathe. You deserve it.

I live in cold country, too....Alaska. My only gripe is that we haven't had a frost yet, my new skis are gathering dust :-)

I, too, will be cheering for you on December 12 as you walk for your Master's degree diploma!

take good care.

Jo

[ADH]

Thank you, Anne, Kay and Jo! I appreciate your feedback so much. My last presentation was tonight and it went great!

My degree is in liberal arts. I am so proud to be a UofC graduate, but it is not an degree I would have chosen as a single person. I chose the degree when I thought I would have a life with Harvey and frankly. a dual income. I did this with his strong suggestion and support. I was not really planning on leaving real estate, but the market never came back here in new construction. I worked solely in new construction and adaptive reuse development. My career type dissolved for everyone in my field in 2008. I held on until earlier this year. I thought the market in general would return. It has not and it will not in my working life span. It is hard. Harvey had a lot of contacts. it would have been easy to figure out a plan B but.....I am lost without him in my life.

There is nothing I can do but move on to something else. My support system is not here. I am trying to make new friends here, but I am basically starting over. The firends Harvey and I shared were all couples, so they are gone now. They no longer call. I could start over somewhere else. Looking for a job in the other areas I talked about, and seeing where a job pans out first is probably a good idea.

I do have to admit that I am having a hard time deciding what I would like to do. It may sound strange, but I think working as an admin asst on an executive level would be interesting. How does one decide what to do during this transition and what appears to be a mid-life crisis in the midst of grieving? What color is my darn parachute? My other two degrees were job specific. I have tried career coaches, but they seem to just want to take your money and tell you a lot of crap that goes in circles. I cannot believe I am 45, and I do not have an exact direction on a career. I do not mean to complain, but I never imagined my career evaporating and my husband dying as well. I feel like I went to sleep and woke up on Mars.....

I do agree about giving myself a break until 12-12, and probably after that for a little bit. I do keep hoping for an ah-ha moment of clarity, when my future path seems clear and even obvious. So far, I am coming up with a blank screen....I cannot imagine what a normal future looks like. I have never been so lost.

Thank you also for sharing more intimate details about your losses as well. It is not easy to lose a spouse the way that we all have.

My goodness.....this stinks. Graduation is a good thing though! God willing,,,,someone will give me a sign or a clue from the heavens about what is next.

Thank you!

Audra

[kayc]

I admire anyone with all those degrees, I know they're not easily come by! It takes ambition, setting goals, and steadfast determination to make it through.

Start by figuring out what kind of jobs you personally think you are qualified for, and then...what appeals to you.

I worked as an Office Mgr. and Bookkeeper (and Adm Asst) for 45 years. I loved Office Mgt and was very good at both, but it really depends on the company you work for. Originally I thought the field would be broad, but I've found that most specialize nowadays, so it's not as broad as it once was. You might want to consider something where you could also use your liberal arts bent, like marketing. I'm sure you'll find something that appeals to you.

Normally I would discourage early moves, but being as you don't like Chicago and your family is elsewhere, I think you could use a support system at this time, so I think in your case it'd be the exception. That's why I thought maybe if you apply to positions in the cities you have family, maybe one of them would pan out and help you with your decision. Remember, you can always move again later, you needn't feel stuck wherever you move to.

[enna]

Hi Audra,

I just knew that your final presentation would go off without a hitch. Job well done! Can’t tell me you don’t have someone watching over you (Harvey).
Now we wait for 12/12 ~ what an accomplishment you completed as you are grieving your beloved Harvey.

Hopefully, you will be able to continue your grief work during this respite time before your graduation.

We begin at the beginning because we are different and will be starting a new life. It doesn’t come easy or quickly. It takes grief work to move through yet another “task” you have in front of you ~ one that none of us asked for nor want.

Coming to this forum will help you ~ a big part of our healing comes with sharing our stories. Those of us here understand. Those of us here are a support to each other because we are walking together ~ yet alone. We accept our differences with no judgments.

I’d like to share two links that I have found to be a help to me.

1) Think about taking this e-course: http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/course-52.html

It is written and led by our moderator, Marty. It educates us about the journey we are now on and gives us the help we need with this grief work.

2) Go to: http://www.griefhealing.com/blog and use the resources there that fit your grief. It is another one of Marty’s who, after all, is our expert here on this forum.

Anne

[widower]

My family is in New Orleans, Houston, Austin and Pensacola, FL.

With the possible exception of Austin, those places are not exactly booming economies either......frankly Chicago, being so huge, is probably one of the best places you could be job-wise, even more so if you're feeling unsure of your career direction.

I think the 1 yr (ish....ballpark of course) advice is good, esp as you own a place vs renting. Moving is never fun, but doing it in middle age harder still...and in circumstances like this, even more so...so I would be very cautious. As you said, what if you move and hate it there? Another move? How much can you endure bouncing around??

Beware the "grass is greener on the other side" delusion. Maybe it is best to move on sooner or later, but IMO based on what you've said, you're better off at least in the short term to stand pat. The LAST thing you need is more upheaval in your life, esp as your loss hasn't been that long ago, relatively speaking. There is no quick fix, including moving. Just IMO

[kayc]

I think that would be true if Chicago were her permanent roots not a temporary place to go to school or if she had a support system about her there...I feel her case is exceptional in that she hates Chicago and it was temporary before this happened...wouldn't it make sense to apply to places her family lives so she could be around them? Surely she's already had exposure to those cities enough to know if they'd be somewhere she'd want to live or not. Is it upheaval, or a better change? If she doesn't land a job where her family is, of course she could take one in Chicago if that pans out better.

BTW, good to see you here, been a while!

[ADH]

Thank you everyone for your ideas. I do not have a family support system here, but I have recently joined a widows group here. It is hard because I have to return to work after Harvey's death, and the economy is so bad. It is not a good time for a career change. I am struggling, and I would give anything for this to be different.

My graduation is around the corner. I guess I will look here for a while, and at some point I will likely leave. Nine months of winter is probably going to seal the deal as we freeze here. Harvey and I supported each other so much. Being alone here is becoming impossible.

I hope this note finds the rest of you well. I know Fae is ill. I am praying for her.

Hugs,

Audra

[JeL]

I am struggling, and I would give anything for this to be different.

Hi Audra,

You are so early in your grief, still in the year of firsts. I'm only a few months ahead of you in loss and I understand your struggle...we all do, as we pick up the pieces after losing our spouse, best friend, life partner. I'm learning that when I slow down, read grief references, meditate, swim laps (works for me!), good options present themselves to dilemmas I'm stressing over. There are many good mediation references here to try if you'd like a new tool to slow yourself down.

Work can be a blessing in grief - for me, it's good structure. I have nothing to come home to, so I take all the overtime pay assignments I can get. It gets me out and social. I'm tired after 8-12 hours of physical and mental work, so I sleep decently most nights. I hope you find a transitional job that challenges you enough for healthy distraction, pays the bills, looks good on your resume.

Chicago in winter: I recently shared about SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) lights on another page. I've never had a true depression issue, but the low winter light gets to me. Since I started using a SAD light Nov - Feb (many years running), I sleep better, have better mental clarity, more energy in the day, perform better at work. If you'll be in Chicago this winter, it may be worth a look. Costco - $40. Best health investment I've made in a long time. I've had mine for 10 years.

You have a huge accomplishment coming up. It's on my calendar! If I don't acknowledge your graduation on 12/12 it's likely cuz I'll be gone helping my Mom who fell and broke her hip a few days ago. Be proud! Harvey's proud of you, you know it.

Jo

[kayc]

Audra,

Praying you'll know what is right for YOU and will follow that path. Please keep us posted. All of us will be cheering for you on your big day!

[enna]

Today, Audra is graduating from the University of Chicago with a masters in liberal arts. She and her Harvey worked together so she could accomplish something for herself. She continued her studies when Harvey died even though her heart was broken. You should be so proud, Audra. Have a good visit with your family and know we are holding you close.

Anne

[kayc]

Congratulations, Audra! It must feel good to have that done, and now to be able to take a much needed break! Wishing you the best as you make important decisions.

[MartyT]

Warmest congratulations to you from all of us, dear Audra!