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Changes I'm Making


enna

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An amazing testimonial to the benefits of volunteering, dear Anne. As I've said elsewhere, you are an inspiration.

You left out one important thing: the information, comfort and support you offer so freely and so generously to all our members here.

What would we do without you?

What would I do without you??

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Anne, you are an inspiration to me as well. It is those on this site that have made me realize the changes I needed to make in my life. I never planned to retire alone. When I did so, I nearly hibernated for a year. I felt loss of purpose and didn't know what to do with my time. I had slight depression and lots of loneliness. I decided I needed to make some changes for this year. So I'm at the Senior Site two days a week, doing the treasury at my Church on Mondays, church on Sundays, and I try to call a friend for lunch every now and then. In addition to walking Arlie twice a day, I'm taking him to my neighbor's for an hour, nearly every day, to play with his dog and they run around and get exercise while we visit. It's all helped.

The last five weeks I've been down with health problems and have had to put my life on hold while I try to regain my health. This place is once again a lifesaver, without it I'd feel very alone and cut off from the world right now. But I know this is a limited time and am determined to get through it. It's going to be hard at the holidays if I'm convalescing, but I'll try not to think about that. One day at a time, right?

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Yes, dear Kay, one day at a time. Tomorrow you will know more after your doctor visit. You have accomplished so very many things on your grief journey. From the beginning of my journey it was you who inspired me. Your mostly positive attitude is what gave me the courage I needed. I am learning to be thankful for all the little things in my life. I find that those of us who have been here for a while are taking those steps that we need to take to cha cha through our new lives.

Oh, you should see my lemon and sweet orange trees. They are turning yellow and orange ~ ripe for the picking. I see lemon squares and fresh orange pound cakes and a lemon water recipe that my daughter makes ~ I have to call her because I forgot what else she adds to the lemon water ~ whatever it is it boosts your energy.

And Marty ~

The answer to your question, dear Marty, is not what you’d do without me/us but rather what would WE do without YOU.

With over 6650 members ~ many who may only visit once or visit anonymously or come often ~ if we did not have this place to come none of us would be able to say that we are a part of a special family.

I so appreciate your feedback to us when we come to this site. I have learned over the few years I have been coming here that what you say is genuine and from your heart. The information you share is rich with solid, reliable feedback. The website links you direct us to are filled with “tools” so we can move through our grief as we struggle with acceptance of our new realities.

I would not be where I am on my own journey today if I had not found this place. So, the answer to your question is ~ what would WE do without YOU. :wub:

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When we had teacher meetings several years ago, we always started our meetings with the acronym T. E. A. M. = Together Everyone Achieves More and I used that in the classroom for years. Aristotle had it right ~ when we work together we accomplish more. It's like the Greek word synergos - working together.

That's how we are here around our fire ~ working together, holding one another up. It is a good feeling knowing that we do not have to walk this grief path alone.

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So true! Synergy has always been a word that has great meaning to me. Remember Mary's picture of her art piece, with some people holding hands in a circle? I tried and tried to find the source on line but never saw one exactly like hers, only similar...she got it on one of her travels, so cool! (I think it was a candle holder but can't remember for sure...not sure where the post was.)

What's funny, Anne, it is you and fae that are largely inspiring me through my difficult times right now. I figure if you two can make it through what you've been through medically, surely I can! :) This type of sharing is a gift that keeps on giving...and returning! :)

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My thoughts ~ the most beautiful thing about people is that if our hearts are open we usually see the beauty in others. That is how I see you, Kay, and many others on this forum. Our hearts are open and we allow others to “see” our pain and in doing this we are able to share in the pain of those who touch our hearts.

I think inspiration comes from people not being afraid to open their hearts ~ to see the vulnerability that we all share in our collective grief.

Early on, in the most devastated grief I ever experienced (my Jim’s death), I was introduced to Brené Brown who has written a great deal on the topic of vulnerability ~ I keep her book Daring Greatly out on a table so I can pick it up and reread sections of it when that fear of not being enough creeps into my thoughts. I believe that each one of us learns from the other. I am where I am on my own grief journey because of the willingness of others to tell their stories. We are all “enough” and we accept that others are holding our courage until we are able to carry our own. Our inspiration comes from those here who are not afraid to show that anything can be overcome as long as we are not afraid to act. That is what I see here ~ we learn from others.

So, when we are challenged with “obstacles” like poor health or lack of money, we do what we have to and as best we can to change any outcome. We learn this by watching how others do it ~ I think.

Anne

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I posted here about a lumbar problem I discovered I had after an MRI.

Received a second call from Barro Neurological Center ~ after the neurosurgeon reviewed the MRI he is suggesting spinal injections to improve function and reduce the inflammation in the lumbar region and then do some intensive spinal rehab therapy. I have an issue with the nerves pressing in a cluster around two discs that are bulging.

Now, I haven’t even seen this doctor ~ my MRI was sent to them and after review this is what the doctor wants to start with!

Their rehab center is in east Phoenix and the doctor is in Scottsdale – not practical since I live on the southwest side of AZ and going to these places would be at best a three hour drive every time I’d need injections and rehab. Not practical for me since someone would have to go with me since I couldn't drive after the procedures.

It took a few weeks before I could get an appointment set up - first call there was an available spot in mid-March at Barro Neurological center, the second place closer to me has an opening in mid-February, I settled on the first available appointment which is at the end of this month.

I will keep my end of the month appointment with the neurosurgeon at CORE and hope that we will start with spinal therapy first – no injections unless he says they are necessary for the inflammation and success of the therapy! Their rehab center is out here in the southwest valley. IF they say I need surgery I will get a second or third opinion.

Why can’t life be less complicated!

I have to return to my Primary Doctor because some of the blood tests had issues!

I’m sure they lost the paper work because they said they sent out a letter to me saying I had to come in to discuss the results in two weeks. I called them this morning again since I still did not have anything on the blood tests I had drawn on the 21st of Nov. Enough to make my blood boil. In the mean time I am doing some bending and gentle twisting exercises to give me some relief from the pain. Trying to roll on a very huge ball at my age is enough to send me giggling. I do not like taking pills so I'm trying alternatives and the big oversized ball is a good exercise.

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Dear Anne,

And this, too.

I like that the ball rolling is making you giggle. That is good. :)

I hope that a more reasonable, simpler, closer to home solution emerges from all your efforts to find a healing path for this spine challenge.

The "lost papers" syndrome seems to be one of the big challenges under the new medical programs. Either lost or simply "failure to communicate" with patients seems to be the new normal for us these days.

As soon as I am stronger, I will be looking around for other places for care. My friend Linda and I were laughing last evening that this might mean moving to another town where there is not a monopoly on health care delivery the way we have here in Helena. I am at least glad you have some choices. Do you have a close friend or family member who can advocate for you?

And I know how tiring this can get, and how fast it gets tiring. As well, I think when we are making our way solo through the medical maze, things are just more difficult because we are already not well, and then we are trying to negotiate with a variety of providers whom we do not know, and who know very very little about us. And we are trying to gather and hold all the knowledge we need to make decisions, without our usual advisor along to help us with these big decisions.

I think that client advocacy is going to be a growing business. I am still very unhappy with a lot of aspects of my care here, but for now, I need to rest and heal, get strong again, and then begin to re-sort my life around these new realities of my days.

I wish I were closer to be more support for you through this emotionally-challenging time. My prayers and good thoughts are with you.

namaste,

fae

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Anne, my dear, we all wish we were closer to you physically ~ but I hope you know we are with you in spirit. I feel for you as you navigate this crazy health care system all by yourself, and I pray that you'll find a non-surgical solution to your back problem. You said it: Why can't life be less complicated! How I wish I knew the answer to that one!

life-is-beautiful1.jpg

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Dear Anne,

Yes, life seems to get more complicated as we gain in experience (and wisdom, one hopes!) and the options seem to increase, while the "good" options seem to narrow in scope. I think that you are right that as we grow through our grief, we also grow into an expanded state of compassion and awareness. Then, it seems, we are met with a new way of making decisions based on compassion, but more of the compassion founded along the Buddha-thought lines of right action and right thought.

One of the epiphanies that I am slowly coming to enter and contemplate seems to be the need to turn more inward for healing and right action on decisions, and less of turning outward to heal the world or those around me, much less taking action toward the outside world. In other words, I seem to spend more time growing my own spiritual strength and the life of my heart than growing solutions for problems I see all around me. That is helping a bit to un-complicate my life. At least, from today's perspective, this seems to be true. There seems to be so little I can actually DO to change of fix things in the outside world, whereas there are many things I can do to fix myself from within.

This time of resting has become a respite from the world, and from struggling with so many things in the world. It seems that the more I simply accept the days as they present themselves, and their challenges as they appear over the horizon, that my life is becoming easier. I seem to be un-complicating my life mostly by letting go of more and more of the outcomes, and by "pulling back" into a simpler set of expectations and desires.

We will see what today brings, and then what tomorrow brings. Meanwhile, you, dear Anne, remain a lamp lit for us all to see better the choices available to us, and the freedom of attitude and action that is available to each of us as we make our way. I hope I am learning better to smell the roses blooming beautifully from the thorny bushes along my path.

namaste,

fae

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Later,

It occurs to me that I am balancing on that point in space/time of looking outward toward the world around me, and beginning to look inward, toward that world within me. As I read Mary's posts about her inward journey, I am wondering if I am arriving at some door of my own, where inner reflection is surpassing the urge to look outward. I know I feel some sense of deep change, not only due to the hospitalizations, but as well, to something deeper within me that wants to find expression and its place within my being. I am going to explore this. This is a huge change: to begin to look inward, toward the parts of me that remain, and the parts of me that are shifting and coming together in new ways, as well as the parts of me that long for a new kind of peace and self-acceptance. I want to have peace within my being, and I want to have the courage to acknowledge the forms this peace may take as it arrives.

It is scary letting go of old pieces of my identity that cannot serve me any longer. Being Doug's wife cannot serve me much, other than through cherished memories and as a part of my life which has ended almost three years ago, but which still brings occasional sweeping tides of longing. I am no longer served by being at odds with others, even if it means old grudges and angers must die off and be left behind. It no longer serves me to carry around a whole set of expectations for myself that are tied to the life I had with Doug, because those were share dreams, and now I am just me.

I am not sure this is making much sense, but I feel as though I have a lot to let go, so that I can have room to invite in and become acquainted with the new pieces of me that are trying to show themselves to me. I am not sure yet what any of these new pieces are, but I know they are there, abiding peacefully until I invite them to step into my life and visit for a while, and see how all these pieces might fit together to make a new, whole me. I am no longer Doug's wife, although he will always be a part of my heart. I have grown so much, changed so much, learned so much, transformed so much, and left behind so much these past almost three years. I am not the same person who said goodbye to Doug. And I am not sure how to say hello to the new pieces of life within me that I am finding, or that are finding me.

And I think I should begin a new thread about this, but not sure where or how. Thank you, Anne, for letting me take up all this space with my nattering.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I think this is a perfect place for those of us who have been on this grief journey for a few years now. And I think that you, fae, are making some changes as many of us are as we look to our futures. We are bound to change because we are not the same. I know that I am not the same person i was when Jim was alive. Grief does change us.

Yes, I think some of us are well into our own "inward journeys." I like the name of this thread Living with Loss because that is what we are doing with the changes we are making.

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I just want to convey on behalf of Mary and myself, thoughts prayers and healing energy to all who seem to be suffering with one form of health ailment or another.

❤️❤️❤️

Butch

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Thank you so much Butch. I am taking your prayers and healing energy and wrapping my heart around them as I heal and get stronger.

I am sending lots of love and of course lots of *<fairy dust>* to you and Mary and the family. I hope you are getting more rest and more sleep now, and that Hospice is helping out enough so that you can truly relax and stand down a bit more so that you have time to care for your own need for rest and sleep. When Mary is awake, please toss this handfull of *<dust>* all around her. I am holding you close in my heart.

fae

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Wow, don't know how I missed these post the past few days! It's at the bottom of my screen, requiring me to scroll down, perhaps that's why.

What I'm learning is to put myself first. As wives, as mothers, as employees, we somehow learned to put everyone else first, but with my recent health, I've had to make myself priority. I've learned other times in my life, if you don't take care of yourself first, you will not be of any good to anyone else. If we care about others, we must take care of ourselves first.

Anne, I'm sorry to learn of this new health bomb. I'm glad you've found someplace closer and can get in sooner. I, too, had to giggle at the thought of you trying to roll on a ball. Teehee! What we don't do! Years ago when I had kids at home, they used to hold their stomachs in great laughter at me when I did my eye therapy. I had to walk back and forth on a beam. I stood on a balancing board (only has a "leg" in the middle, so you have to balance on it) while watching a ball hang from the ceiling go around and around me...I wasn't to move my head, just my eyes. And the pick up sticks...I'd have to pick up cheerios with them. I tied a string to a doorknob, held onto it and had to follow the string up and back, up and back with my eyes. They thought it was hilarious, glad they were amused! :D

fae, I think you're on the right track.

Butch, it's good to hear from you...bless your heart, with all you're going through, still you take time to pray for us! God bless you and Mary.

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Thank you, Kay, for your loving concern. I have learned much from you. IF I ever conquer the ball roll, I'll let you know!

The quote below speaks volumes to me as I continue my journey through grief. I believe that we do become more compassionate as we open our hearts to the pain of others.

"Imagine you are walking in the woods and you see a small dog sitting by a tree. As you approach it, it suddenly lunges at you, teeth bared. You are frightened and angry. But then you notice that one of its legs is caught in a trap. Immediately your mood shifts from anger to concern: You see that the dog's aggression is coming from a place of vulnerability and pain. This applies to all of us. When we behave in hurtful ways, it is because we are caught in some kind of trap. The more we look through the eyes of wisdom at ourselves and one another, the more we cultivate a compassionate heart." - Tara Brach, "True Refuge"

 

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That says it all!

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What a wonderful thought to wake up to ~ our eyes do open as we open our hearts.

I thank our Mary for posting this on FB.

As the love-codes unfold within you~

Inside the cells
of your heart
is a language
composed of
non-ordinary symbols,
magically arranged
as letters of light
to you from the beloved.
Attune to
the wild aliveness
of the somatic world
and watch
in astonishment
as the love-codes
unfold within you,
spinning color,
music, and poetry
out into the
four directions.
body4.jpg
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I like that: that meaning must be lost before it can be found.

I think all of us who are making this journey are so keenly aware of how our beliefs are shifting and being refined as we let go of old ways of thinking about life and death, and perhaps come to focus more on our daily sense of being. Thank you for posting that, Anne.

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Update on my health and the physical changes I’ve made ~

What a difference from several months ago when I was diagnosed with heart failure.

I spent most of 2013 and 2014 working on managing my health issues.

It took this long but I have successfully whined myself off of nine of the prescription pills I was on for the past two years. I kept hearing that heart failure can be managed so I questioned why I was taking so many pills then. After numerous tests on my heart and arteries I found out that my heart was really quite healthy ~ no blockages and no electrical problems inside the heart. I have LVH or left ventricular hypertrophy that simply means that the muscle is enlarged and that is why my heart pumps harder. Controlling my B/P is the number one factor in reducing this enlargement or at least stopping it from getting worse.

When I saw my Primary Care doctor he was surprised and pleased that my B/P and heart rate remain in the acceptable range ~ I had been dealing with high B/P and rapid heart rate for several years!

My next big challenge is to visit with my heart doctor in January for my three-month check-up. It will be then that I’ll have to let him know that I no longer take the nine pills he prescribed and I am only taking a low dose B/P pill and two other prescriptions not related to the heart. I am eating a heart-healthy diet and I have added meditation to my daily schedule. I do not recommend this action to anyone. Always go through your doctors.

Today I have a lumbar spine issue that I am hoping can be corrected with PT. I begin on Monday at the spine therapy institute to begin therapy to correct bulging discs in the lumbar region that are pressing on nerves! I have had degenerative spinal disease for decades but this is the first time I’ve had problems in the lumbar region.

I mention this here because I think it is important that we recognize that as caregivers our bodies can go through trauma and we need to pay attention to the physical aspects of our health. I did not when I was caring for Jim. I thought and acted like I was superwoman. It was only a few months after Jim died that I had the rude awakening that I was not this superwoman I thought I was.

Self Care is important for our overall good health ~ it is never too late to begin.

Paying attention to both the physical and mental aspects of my person has enabled me to open myself to the changes that are taking place after suffering such a great loss.

I shall always miss Jim. There will always be a hole in my heart. I am learning to focus more on the good memories that filled our lives for forty years.

Anne

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