Changes I'm Making

[MartyT]

This is an extremely important message, Anne, and I thank you for sharing it here. ♥

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for sharing your inspiring message of Patience, self-care, and self-healing with us all. You are an inspiration and a joy for others of us going through health challenges.

I hope your spine therapy goes well today. I will be thinking of you and sending healing thoughts and prayers as you begin this new round of healing. I am so very proud of you for all you are doing to keep yourself well and strong.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

Anne,

How did it go today?

I find you an inspiration, you are one brave woman! I am so proud of you, you are achieving a great feat!

I am going to do all I can to get and stay healthy, and to help my dog become healthier as well. I see so many couch potatoes that eat their way into oblivion, and they seem to think there's nothing they can do about it...I don't want to be one of them, and it's time to wake up and take charge of my own life, as I have been for the last month and will continue. I want to get the excess weight off and help my dog to lose a bit, and take him hiking this coming summer. I don't want either of us to die prematurely.

I hope you'll update us on your therapy and how your session went.

[enna]

Yesterday was a first meeting with my Physical Therapist. She will wait for the OK from the neurosurgeon before we set up a schedule of care. Heavy heat packs were my only treatment ~ it felt so good I could have stayed for a longer time. I'll have another heat treatment on the 29th and on the 30th I see the neurosurgeon. I am praying for PT only to correct this disc problem.

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for the update! Was there any discussion of using heat therapy at home? I am so glad you had a positive sense from the heat therapy!

I, too, hope that this can be solved with PT treatments. That would be wonderful!

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Not a very nice day for me. The post lady arrived with two parcels and also two letters. One was to recall me for further breast scan after the one I had ten days ago didn't show enough. I'm trying to tell myself it will be fine as I know it's quite common for them not to get a good enough view especially with women like me with very small breasts. But it was unwelcome news. And the other letter was a speeding letter. I had been caught on camera doing 38 mph in a 30 mph zone. It was in the countryside just outside a village and in an area which intuitively seems like a 40 mph. But still. It will mean either a £100 fine and three penalty points on my license or a speeding course of three hours. If I can I will opt for the former which I think you have to pay for. So not a good post. Dear Anne I am following your posts if course. And am also thinking if our dear Kay. Jan

[enna]

Oh my goodness, Jan. I'm just checking in and I see your double wammy! I am sorry that you will have to go back for another test. As you say, it is not uncommon for women to have more than one scan. Keep us posted. I never figured you as a "speeder" and I don't believe those cameras. It was probably another car that picked up the 8 mi speed. Your laws are very strict in the UK!

Yes, we are all thinking of Kay at this time. She should be home this afternoon and I am waiting on a call from her friend who drove her to the hospital.

She knows we are all gathered around our fire ~ holding her up along with her George and praying.

[feralfae]

Oh, Jan,

I am sorry to hear about the speeding ticket. I think return scans are becoming more the norm: I have had three friends who were called back for return scans, and all were normal in the end. But at least it means that someone is paying close attention so that is good.

I must say that somehow, I did not think of you as a speeder, and your speed was not very much over. The amount of the fine seems high, but then, I know here in the states, traffic fines have become a primary source of revenue and rates for minor infractions have gone up in many localities.

I know we are all holding Kay close and in our hearts today. I will be glad when Anne hears something.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Anne,

by now I've already heard your report about your heat treatment, and am also hoping this is something you can continue with at home...hoping with you that PT is all that will be needed.

Jan,

Ouch! As already stated, I'm sure it's normal and they're just being extra vigilant...our thoughts are with you as you await your new appt.

As for the speeding ticket, here they are quite high, and I'm sorry you received a citation, never good news! Do they ever lower it if you appear in court? They used to here, but now they just make you go on line and pay and it raises your insurance rates for three years. The last one I got was trumped up but as it's your word against the cop's, it does no good to fight it.

[Wifflesnook]

What happens here is you have the chance of three penalty points on your driving license (if you get nine you lose it) and a fine if £100. Or you go for a four hour session on speeding and why it's so bad which costs £95 bit you don't get penalty points then.

Thanks for all reassuring comments about breast scan recalls. I'm going to stay overnight with our son and wife and William has offered to go with me. I was going to say no I'd be fine but then I thought how nice of William to offer and that Pete would want me to say yes so I shall

[MartyT]

Jan, my dear, I've been called back several times for repeat scans, and twice for biopsies ~ all of which turned out to be normal. I think these machines get more and more sensitive every year, and such recalls are far more common now. Still, each time it happened to me I was terrified ~ so I don't blame you for feeling as you do. "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best" ~ far easier said than done. It's a very hard place to be, keeping those fears at bay and trying to keep your wits about you. I'm SO glad you've accepted William's offer to accompany you, and I agree: Your beloved Pete would want you to say yes. Good for you! Do keep us posted, and know that our thoughts and prayers are with you. ♥

[Wifflesnook]

Marty thanks. That is reassuring. And I wish you and your family and everyone on the forum as good a Christmas as possible given our circumstances. Here it is just after seven am and the little ones are still asleep so we have a chance for coffee before they see that Father Christmas hasn't forgotten them!

[enna]

Keeping you in thought, Jan, as you wait for appointments and updates on your scans.

Coming to the close of another Christmas and wondering how it can be possible that 31 months have passed since my Jim died. Christmas Day I started out visiting on the phone with my grandchildren in another state wishing that I could be with them but it didn’t happen this Christmas. It is okay because we have for many years accepted the fact that to travel from the west coast to the Midwest during December is not a good idea so we either plan visits in November or the springtime.

This year I chose to not take part in parties or dinners on Christmas Eve and Christmas day instead I visited the hospice center here and brought banana nut bread and apricot kolaches to the staff that are so dedicated in their work with the dying. This is the first time I have visited the hospice center that Jim spent two weeks in before I brought him back home. He needed emergency care for a medical issue that could be corrected and since he was already in hospice they were able to take care for him in hospital and I was able to get some rest.

I remember how frightened he was the first two days as I was “ordered” to only visit for a short time (as I needed respite) as other family members visited. We had been glued together for almost five year and he felt secure and calm as long as I was in sight.

This time was traumatic for me because I was being told that I could not continue to care for him at home so I had to spend time visiting facilities that would be suited for Alzheimer’s clients. While in the hospice hospital Jim declined to the point where he needed full bed care. He did not know how to feed himself, he was bedridden, he could not talk in complete sentences BUT he knew who I was and that was enough for me to tell the family that I would be taking Jim back home where he wanted to die. This was our plan and I intended to see it through. After all, we had already been through the hardest part of caregiving ~ managing a mobile person who could fall or wander or possibly hurt himself if not watched every minute.

As we gathered together for a family dinner before those who lived in other states prepared to return to their homes I told them that I would be taking Jim home rather than having him brought to an ALZ facility and with our Hospice Team, a private duty nurse and myself that is what I did. I am still forever grateful to our HOV (Hospice of the Valley) here in AZ as they continued to show care for Jim and our family during the last two weeks of his life. How do you thank someone for that!

Changes come slowly, but they come, when we are open to the grief work that it takes as we find different ways to live our new lives without our loved ones here with us in their physical presence.

Today I am not in despair over the death of Jim as I was in the early months; rather, I am living the good memories we shared together and I know I will continue to find ways to honor his life and our life until our energies are blended together once again. I shall always miss him and know there will be "triggers" that send me into deep mourning. I have enough knowledge about grief now to know that those "triggers" will pass.

[MartyT]

You have indeed become an expert in grief, and I am so sorry that you had to learn it this way. Blessings to you, dear Anne . . . ♥

[kayc]

Jan,

I am glad you are going to have your son with you, I think that is important. I hope the citation and points don't present too much of a hardship to you, Jan.

[enna]

Dear Marty,

Thank you for your comment to me under my post “Changes I’m Making” ~ I value your comments as someone knowledgeable who knows the work it takes to do grief work. I believe I have progressed on my journey because of the help I have received from you, from others on this forum and other places during these many months.

Yes, I did and still do take advantage of much of the material supplied to us.

Anne

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, you are a shining example of a person who is willing to use every tool for healing that is available to you, trying everything, keeping what proves useful to you, and tossing out the rest. Truly you are a teacher in the best sense of the word, because you never, ever stop searching and learning, you evaluate, critique and take to heart whatever it is that you find, and you share so willingly and so freely that which you have found. I am so proud of you, and so honored and so grateful that you continue to grace us with your presence. Our circle is richer for it. ♥

[enna]

Thank you, Marty. I appreciate you. You are always so helpful to us no matter where we are on our journey.

[Queeniemary]

I had just typed a post for this thread....and then my computer decided to disconnect from the internet...and I lost it all. I cannot recreate the post.

I was looking through old emails this morning, and discovered an email inviting me to look at this thread. My brain is scattered these days, so I either just forgot, or failed to read the email. All I can say right now is that I felt so right there with all of you in what you were posting here. My time has grown short, I have a place where I need to be soon, but I will come back here and post later today.

QMary

[Queeniemary]

Jan, my daughter, who had not had a mammogram since before her youngest daughter (16) was born, finally, at my insistence, had one this past year. (she finally had insurance) It was questionable, and she had to have it biopsied, we all worried for a couple of weeks, but it turned out to be nothing.....it was a little cist. I do not think it is unusual to have to have them repeated, sometimes it is something like my daughters, and sometimes the machine just does not take good pictures, gives shadows where none exist. Glad your son will be with you. Sorry about the citation.

I am not as organized in my thinking as some of you are about the changes you are making in your lives. I have always been a person that just drifts along, letting things happen, and not particularly having goals. That is not to say that I do not strive for things, just have always been content to let life take me along. A phone call on January 13th, 2010 changed a lot of that for me. I was in the hospital trying to reach Mike on the phone, my daughter went to check on him. I called his phone, when I knew she had time to get to my house. My daughter answered, and I ask her what was wrong. What was wrong was that she had just found Mike's body. Neither of us will ever recover from that day or that phone call.

Now, nearly 5 years later, I am struggling to think what changes I have made to cope in this new life. I know the first few months are just a blur, as I recovered from total knee replacement, and tried to wrap my head around Mike's sudden and unexpected death.

I keep pretty busy with the community theatre group, of which I have been involved since the mid 70s. I am no longer an active part of the business part of the group, but I am a member of the group, and will be directing a play in June. I direct at least one play a year. I also have acted in some plays, but the older I get, the harder it is to remember lines.....

I have a close group of friends, two of them are fellow widow/widower, and we get together at least several times a month for movie and food, or cards and food. Food always plays a large part. We are a pretty diverse group, several gays, most not gay, an older married couple, some younger people, 20s and 30s. We have become a family.

I have just recently started going again to church. Before this fall, the last time I was in my church was the Christmas Eve before Mike died when we went to the midnight service. I just could not bring myself to attend. I have visited other churches. At the beginning of fall, when our new priest came, I made the decision to go back. I have become rather regular, and am finding a great deal of peace in the ritual of the episcopal service. I am finding that being there on Sunday morning gives my week a good starting point, and gives me comfort.

So as I look at my changes, they are not really that big. I always did theatre with Mike, and I have continued with doing that. We always got together with friends, and Mike did not go to church with me except for special occasions like Christmas Eve. I have just learned to do things without him. I miss him all the time, and tonight our NYE party at my friend Vive's house, 12 Oaks, will be especially poignant. NYE, 2008, was the best party at 12 Oaks, a small group of us played games, ate, and had a great time. Nearing midnight, we were all a little tipsy. Mike was sitting on one end of the couch, looking to be asleep, we were playing trivial pursuit, when a question was read, he would raise his head, answer correctly, then lay his head back down....he was the best in trivial pursuit...everyone wanted to be on his team!! April, 2009, Morris (48) died, September 2009, Ann (60) died, January 2010, Mike (62) died. We lost 3 people within less than a year. All were young, and only one had a long term illness. Mike and Morris's deaths were very sudden and unexpected. Our group has tried to make sense out of this big loss, and I do believe it has drawn us all closer.

I have gotten much better about traveling (driving) on my own. When Mike was alive, he did all the driving, and I was very happy to let him do that. I have never been particularly enamored of being a driver. I have gotten pretty brave over the past 5 years, going so far as to drive in Little Rock this past summer when my sister was in the hospital there. I NEVER thought I would do that!

I took a concealed carry class (which would amuse Mike greatly), and bought a small gun for my protection when I travel. That is probably the only time the gun will be loaded, when I am traveling to Missouri or Minnesota to see my sons. Before taking the class I had only shot a gun one time, with Mike years ago. I did pretty well when shooting with him, and I did very well in the class on the shooting part. All the rest of the time the gun is in a locked case, which is locked into a bag, and the extra keys are hidden, and the other keys are on my key ring. And the bag is hidden in my room.

I suppose I am somewhat braver than I was when Mike was alive. I have had to become braver to continue living without him. I do things, like driving in big cities, taking off on my own, making decision alone, that I never would be doing if Mike were alive. Living through the kind of grief (and it is never over) that we have all suffered, and are suffering makes you strong and brave. It does not happen overnight. At first you feel like you cannot do anything, you are just numb and living in a fog. Gradually the fog lifts, and that in itself is horrible. When the fog lifts, you begin to realize this is real, he is truly gone, and is not coming back. This is such a cliché, but it is true for me....time has helped. I have learned to do many things without Mike, I do find happiness in my friends and family. I do not sit around and weep all the time anymore, I am a stronger, more able to cope with life person. Always Mike is in my mind and heart, and I feel him here at times, I will never stop grieving for him, and missing him, but I will do my best to live my life. I will be as happy as I can be, I will continue to grow as a person, I will continue to learn new things, and meet new people.

When I found this site in April, 2010, it was like I had found a lifeline. I was just starting to come out of the fog. So many people here on this site have given me strength. This place has become my home, and the many wonderful people who share have become my family. Some people may think that 5 years is long enough to grieve, that it is time to let it go....my family on this site knows that there is no set time for anything, and that I will grieve the rest of my life. I will live, but I will always miss E. Michael.

QMary

[enna]

Oh thank you, QMary. We all learn and are inspired by those who come here. For me, it gives me hope to know that there is life after death of our soul mates. It's those tiny steps that we make. Most of the time we don't even know we are moving forward. We are indeed a circle of friends.

[enna]

I cannot think of a better way to end my 2014 but to express my gratitude to all those who have rekindled my fire when it grew dim.

We truly have been present to one another on this journey.

[enna]

I have been following Tom Zuba for many months now and one of my changes is to do his 21 Days of Gratitude ~ the first day of the New Year seems to be a good place to start.

DAY 1: 21+1 Days of Gratitude
If the only prayer you say is thank you, that will be enough.
Most "experts" say it takes 21 days to really "cement" a new habit; to anchor a new way of being. Set the intention today. Right now. To be grateful. For all of it. All of it. Especially your powerful resistance. Especially that part of you that SCREAMS, "I will not be grateful. Not this time." Set the intention to be grateful for all of it. Are you in? This is where we begin. Together. In collective intention.

There is a new way to go grief.
A way rooted in gratitude.
Join us at www.facebook.com/tomzuba2

 

[enna]

We made it. Another season of holidays is over. For some of us it was gut-wrenching and for others we may have found it just a little bit easier. Wherever we are in our grief one thing is for sure and that is we who have found ourselves in this place are not alone.

As I reflect over the past year I am overwhelmed by the compassion on this forum.

The different threads make it possible for anyone who comes here can find a place to voice their pain. It is indeed a safe place. It is a place where raw grief is expressed and compassionate understanding is expressed in the most honest and gentle responses.

We have been through some of the most devastated losses ~ children, parents, grandparents, spouses, siblings, relationships, pets, and even health issues. No matter what the loss there have been responses that have touched my heart by the way those in their own grief have reached out with compassion to others.

We have been forced to deal with anticipatory grief and mourning and behaviors.

During this time we have even found the courage to see positives in our lives.

Some have made it to the tools for healing and living with loss threads. The wealth of information on our forum has been rich in content supplied by our moderators and all of us who come here.

May we begin a new year knowing that all who come here will be heard and never judged for where we are in our grief journeys.

[kayc]

Nice reflections, Anne, I echo them. This place is very valuable to us all.